Here's a link: 2011 Absurdities in the Bible.
Author Archive for Steve WellsPage 4 of 7
Sorry for not posting more lately, but I've been revising the SAB, getting it ready to publish it in book form. I'm now working my way through the gospel of John, and I just noticed that the total number of absurdities is 2011.
- Noah, the just preacher of righteousness
For some reason, God really liked Noah. He hated everyone else, though. Hated them so much, in fact, that he drowned every last one of them, except for Noah (and his family), that is.
What was it that God liked about Noah? Well, the bible doesn't say. It only says that he was a "just and perfect preacher of righteousness." (Genesis 6:9, 7:1; 2 Peter 2:5)
It isn't until after the flood, though, that we find out about his true character. Noah plants a vineyard, gets drunk, and lies around naked in his tent. His son, Ham, happens to see his father in this condition. When Noah sobers up and hears "what his young son had done unto him" (what did he do besides look at him?), he curses not Ham, who "saw the nakedness of his father," but Ham's son, Canaan.
And Noah ... planted a vineyard: And he drank of the wine, and was drunken; and he was uncovered within his tent. And Ham, the father of Canaan, saw the nakedness of his father, and told his two brethren without. And Shem and Japheth took a garment, and laid it upon both their shoulders, and went backward, and covered the nakedness of their father; and their faces were backward, and they saw not their father's nakedness. And Noah awoke from his wine, and knew what his younger son had done unto him. And he said, Cursed be Canaan; a servant of servants shall he be unto his brethren. Genesis 9:20-25
So drink up on Father's Day all you dads out there. Pass out and lie around naked in front of God and everybody. If any of your kids happen to see you, curse them in the name of the Lord -- or better yet, curse your unborn grandkids and all of their descendants with slavery. Just follow the example of that just and perfect, godly preacher of righteousness, Noah!
- Lot, the just and righteous
Lot was a family man and one of God's special heroes. Out of all of the inhabitants of Sodom and Gomorrah, God saved only Lot and his family, because Lot was, according to the bible, a just and righteous man (2 Peter 2:7-8). He was also, no doubt, an excellent father. Here is what the Bible says about him.
He offered his two virgin daughters to a crowd of angel rapers, saying:
"Behold now, I have two daughters which have not known man; let me, I pray you, bring them out unto you, and do ye to them as is good in your eyes." -- Genesis 19:8
Later he got drunk and impregnated them.Lot ... dwelt in the mountain, and his two daughters with him.... And the firstborn said unto the younger, Our father is old, and there is not a man in the earth to come in unto us ... Come, let us make our father drink wine, and we will lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father. And they made their father drink wine that night: and the firstborn went in, and lay with her father; and he perceived not when she lay down, nor when she arose. And it came to pass on the morrow, that the firstborn said unto the younger, Behold, I lay yesternight with my father: let us make him drink wine this night also; and go thou in, and lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father. And they made their father drink wine that night also: and the younger arose, and lay with him; and he perceived not when she lay down, nor when she arose. Thus were both the daughters of Lot with child by their father. -- Genesis 19:30-36
So if you are attacked by a sex-crazed mob of angel rapers on Father's Day, follow the just and righteous Lot's example. Offer your virgin daughters to the mob to do whatever they want to do with them and then (if your daughters survive that) get drunk and impregnate them.
- Abraham
Abraham abandoned his first son, Ishmael, sending him and his mother into the desert to die.
Wherefore she (Sarah) said unto Abraham, Cast out this bondwoman (Hagar) and her son (Ishmael) ... And God said unto Abraham ... hearken unto her voice. ... And Abraham ... took bread, and a bottle of water, and gave it unto Hagar, putting it on her shoulder, and the child and sent her away: and she departed, and wandered in the wilderness. -- Genesis 21:10-14
He then agreed to sacrifice his second son (his "only" son) to God as a burnt offering.
And he said, Take now thy son, thine only son Isaac, whom thou lovest, and ... offer him there for a burnt offering.... And Abraham stretched forth his hand, and took the knife to slay his son. -- Genesis 22:2, 10
So if your wife can't stand one of your kids and tells you to throw him or her out of the house, follow Father Abraham's example and do what she says. Then later, if God asks you to kill one of your other children, do that too. Don't worry about it. God will probably send an angel to protect the abandoned child and provide a goat for you to kill instead your kid at the last minute. Just be willing to abandon and kill your children for God if he asks you to. That's the important thing.
- Isaac
Isaac had two sons, Esau and Jacob. Isaac loved Esau (because he liked to eat his venison), Rebekah loved Jacob (God knows why), and God hated Esau.
Isaac loved Esau, because he did eat of his venison: but Rebekah loved Jacob. -- Genesis 25:28
Jacob have I loved, but Esau have I hated. -- Romans 9:13
The Bible doesn't say anything more about Isaac's relationship with his two sons until he is about to die, when Rebekah, Jacob, and God all work together to steal Isaac's blessing of Esau and make it apply to Jacob instead. It's a bit too long to tell here, so I suggest you read the Brick Testament story instead.
There is an important message for fathers here. Every father should understand that God will love some of his children and hate others. Don't worry about it. Just try to find out which of you children God hates and then go and do likewise.
- Jacob
Jacob loved Joseph more than his other children, and he made it pretty obvious. So the other kids in the family hated Joseph. (God didn't seem to mind; he liked Joseph best, too.)
Now Israel [Jacob] loved Joseph more than all his children ... And when his brethren saw that their father loved him more than all his brethren, they hated him. -- Genesis 37:3-4
So don't fall for the modern secular lie that a father should love all of children as much and as equally as possible. Follow the example of Jacob and love one of your children more than all of the others.
- Aaron
Aaron just watched quietly as his sons were burned to death by God.
And Nadab and Abihu, the sons of Aaron ... offered strange fire before the LORD, which he commanded them not. And there went out fire from the LORD, and devoured them, and they died before the LORD. .... And Aaron held his peace. -- Leviticus 10:1-3
So if God decides to burn your children to death for burning incense or whatever, just watch quietly. And for God's sake, don't complain about it.
- Caleb
Caleb was one of the twelve scouts that Moses sent out during the Exodus to check out the land of Canaan. Since Caleb told Moses what he wanted to hear (that it would be easy to conquer the Canaanites), he was rewarded, while the ten honest scouts (who filed more discouraging reports) were killed by God in a plague (God's 18th killing).
Forty years later, when the Israelites were busy killing Canaanites, Caleb offered a reward to whomever could smite (kill all the inhabitants of) the city of Kirjathsepher. The reward was his daughter, Achsah.
Caleb said, He that smiteth Kirjathsepher, and taketh it, to him will I give Achsah my daughter to wife. Joshua 15:16
The guy who won the reward happened to be one of Caleb's relatives.
And Othniel the son of Kenaz, the brother of Caleb, took it: and he gave him Achsah his daughter to wife. Joshua 15:17
It's hard to tell from that verse whether Othniel was Caleb's brother or nephew, but whichever it was God approved of the whole thing. Because Caleb was "God's servant."
And the LORD said ... my servant Caleb, because he had another spirit with him, and hath followed me fully, him will I bring into the land whereinto he went; and his seed shall possess it. Numbers 15:20-23
So to all you dads out there, God says it's OK to give your daughter to someone who commits genocide for you, even if the someone is a close relative, like a uncle or even a brother. What the heck.
- Gideon
Gideon is a great example for all Christian men. He had many wives and seventy sons.
And Gideon had threescore and ten sons of his body begotten: for he had many wives. -- Judges 8:30
He taught taught his sons what it means to be a real man.
And he said unto Jether his firstborn, Up, and slay them. But the youth drew not his sword: for he feared, because he was yet a youth. ... And Gideon arose, and slew [them]. -- Judges 8:20-21
This one is pretty obvious. Try to have as many wives and sons as possible. And teach your sons what it means to be real men. (Real men are not afraid to kill people.)
- Jephthah
When the spirit of the Lord came upon Jephthah, he promised to offer to God as a burnt offering whatever came to greet him when he returned from battle. When his daughter greeted him after a successful God-assisted slaughter, he honored his promise to God by killing and burning his daughter for God.
Then the Spirit of the LORD came upon Jephthah.... And Jephthah vowed a vow unto the LORD, and said, If thou shalt without fail deliver the children of Ammon into mine hands, Then it shall be, that whatsoever cometh forth of the doors of my house to meet me, when I return in peace from the children of Ammon, shall surely be the LORD's, and I will offer it up for a burnt offering. So Jephthah passed over unto the children of Ammon to fight against them; and the LORD delivered them into his hands. And he smote them ... with a very great slaughter. ... And Jephthah came to Mizpeh unto his house, and, behold, his daughter came out to meet him with timbrels and with dances.... And ... when he saw her... said, Alas, my daughter! ... I have opened my mouth unto the LORD, and I cannot go back. And she said unto him ... Let this thing be done for me: let me alone two months, that I may go up and down upon the mountains, and bewail my virginity, I and my fellows. ... And it came to pass at the end of two months, that she returned unto her father, who did with her according to his vow which he had vowed. -- Judges 11:29-39
So when the spirit of the Lord comes upon you and you promise God to kill whomever you happen to see first when you get home from your latest God-assisted genocide, remember Jephthah and fulfill your promise to God.
- Saul
Saul offered to sell his daughter for 100 Philistine foreskins.
And Saul said, Thus shall ye say to David, The king desireth not any dowry, but an hundred foreskins of the Philistines. -- 1 Samuel 18:25
David bought her for twice the asking price (200 foreskins).Wherefore David arose and went, he and his men, and slew of the Philistines two hundred men; and David brought their foreskins, and they gave them in full tale to the king, that he might be the king's son in law. And Saul gave him Michal his daughter to wife. -- 1 Samuel 18:27
And since "David did that which was right in the eyes of the LORD ... save only in the matter of Uriah the Hittite," we know that God approved of the transaction.So don't settle for just a few foreskins when selling your daughters.
- David
You can tell a lot about a father by his last words to his children. Take David for example.
David asked his son Solomon to murder Joab for him.
So Solomon sent Benaiah to murder Joab.
Now the days of David drew nigh that he should die; and he charged Solomon his son, saying … thou knowest also what Joab the son of Zeruiah did to me … let not his hoar head go down to the grave in peace. 1 Kings 2.1-6
It was told king Solomon that Joab was fled unto the tabernacle of the LORD; and, behold, he is by the altar. Then Solomon sent Benaiah … saying, Go, fall upon him … So Benaiah … fell upon him, and slew him. 1 Kings 2:29-34
And another person that David asked his son to murder was Shimei.
So Solomon sent Benaiah to “fall on” Shimei, too.
Thou hast with thee Shimei … which cursed me with a grievous curse in the day when I went to Mahanaim: but he came down to meet me at Jordan, and I sware to him by the LORD, saying, I will not put thee to death with the sword. Now therefore hold him not guiltless: for thou art a wise man, and knowest what thou oughtest to do unto him; but his hoar head bring thou down to the grave with blood. 1 Kings 2:8-9So the king commanded Benaiah ... which went out, and fell upon him, that he died. 1 Kings 2:44-46
The lesson here is this: have a list of people you'd like your children to kill for you after your die.
Job was a perfect man (and perfect father) with ten children, seven sons and three daughters.
There was a man in the land of Uz, whose name was Job; and that man was perfect ... There were born unto him seven sons and three daughters. Job 1:1-2
As part of a bet, God and Satan killed Job's children. After the killing, Job "blessed God" and didn't "foolishly" blame God for his murderous Satanic bet. (See here for details. Or read all 8 of the Brick Testament stories about Job.)
In the end, God rewarded Job for not complaining by replacing the dead children with a completely a new set of ten kids. And the new daughters were even prettier than before!
So the LORD blessed the latter end of Job more than his beginning ... He had also seven sons and three daughters ... And in all the land were no women found so fair as the daughters of Job. Job 42:12-13
So remember dads, if you don't like your children all that much, or have some ugly daughters or whatnot, just ask God and Satan to kill them for you. That way you're sure to get a better set of kids.
- Simon Peter
We don't know from the gospels whether or not Peter was a father, but he was definitely a married man, since Jesus rebuked Peter's mother-in-law's fever.
He [Jesus] arose out of the synagogue, and entered into Simon's house. And Simon's wife's mother was taken with a great fever; and they besought him for her. And he stood over her, and rebuked the fever; and it left her: and immediately she arose and ministered unto them. Luke 4:38-39
Since Peter was married, it's reasonable to suppose that he had children, not that it matters much since Jesus encouraged his disciples to abandon their wives and children. (The first pope abandoned his family for Jesus in Luke 5:11.)
Jesus said ... Every one that hath forsaken ... wife, or children ... for my name's sake, shall receive an hundredfold, and shall inherit everlasting life. Matthew 19:28-29 Mark 10:29-30, Luke 18:29-30
So to hell with fatherhood. Forsake wife and children for Jesus. (He'll give you a big reward for it!)
- God the Father
Somehow I forgot about him. But you can read all about his fathering skills here: here.
- Noah, the just preacher of righteousness
For some reason, God really liked Noah. He hated everyone else, though. Hated them so much, in fact, that he drowned every last one of them, except for Noah (and his family), that is.
What was it that God liked about Noah? Well, the bible doesn't say. It only says that he was a "just and perfect preacher of righteousness." (Genesis 6:9, 7:1; 2 Peter 2:5)
It isn't until after the flood, though, that we find out about his true character. Noah plants a vineyard, gets drunk, and lies around naked in his tent. His son, Ham, happens to see his father in this condition. When Noah sobers up and hears "what his young son had done unto him" (what did he do besides look at him?), he curses not Ham, who "saw the nakedness of his father," but Ham's son, Canaan.
And Noah ... planted a vineyard: And he drank of the wine, and was drunken; and he was uncovered within his tent. And Ham, the father of Canaan, saw the nakedness of his father, and told his two brethren without. And Shem and Japheth took a garment, and laid it upon both their shoulders, and went backward, and covered the nakedness of their father; and their faces were backward, and they saw not their father's nakedness. And Noah awoke from his wine, and knew what his younger son had done unto him. And he said, Cursed be Canaan; a servant of servants shall he be unto his brethren. Genesis 9:20-25
So drink up on Father's Day all you dads out there. Pass out and lie around naked in front of God and everybody. If any of your kids happen to see you, curse them in the name of the Lord -- or better yet, curse your unborn grandkids and all of their descendants with slavery. Just follow the example of that just and perfect, godly preacher of righteousness, Noah!
- Lot, the just and righteous
Lot was a family man and one of God's special heroes. Out of all of the inhabitants of Sodom and Gomorrah, God saved only Lot and his family, because Lot was, according to the bible, a just and righteous man (2 Peter 2:7-8). He was also, no doubt, an excellent father. Here is what the Bible says about him.
He offered his two virgin daughters to a crowd of angel rapers, saying:
"Behold now, I have two daughters which have not known man; let me, I pray you, bring them out unto you, and do ye to them as is good in your eyes." -- Genesis 19:8
Later he got drunk and impregnated them.Lot ... dwelt in the mountain, and his two daughters with him.... And the firstborn said unto the younger, Our father is old, and there is not a man in the earth to come in unto us ... Come, let us make our father drink wine, and we will lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father. And they made their father drink wine that night: and the firstborn went in, and lay with her father; and he perceived not when she lay down, nor when she arose. And it came to pass on the morrow, that the firstborn said unto the younger, Behold, I lay yesternight with my father: let us make him drink wine this night also; and go thou in, and lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father. And they made their father drink wine that night also: and the younger arose, and lay with him; and he perceived not when she lay down, nor when she arose. Thus were both the daughters of Lot with child by their father. -- Genesis 19:30-36
So if you are attacked by a sex-crazed mob of angel rapers on Father's Day, follow the just and righteous Lot's example. Offer your virgin daughters to the mob to do whatever they want to do with them and then (if your daughters survive that) get drunk and impregnate them.
- Abraham
Abraham abandoned his first son, Ishmael, sending him and his mother into the desert to die.
Wherefore she (Sarah) said unto Abraham, Cast out this bondwoman (Hagar) and her son (Ishmael) ... And God said unto Abraham ... hearken unto her voice. ... And Abraham ... took bread, and a bottle of water, and gave it unto Hagar, putting it on her shoulder, and the child and sent her away: and she departed, and wandered in the wilderness. -- Genesis 21:10-14
He then agreed to sacrifice his second son (his "only" son) to God as a burnt offering.
And he said, Take now thy son, thine only son Isaac, whom thou lovest, and ... offer him there for a burnt offering.... And Abraham stretched forth his hand, and took the knife to slay his son. -- Genesis 22:2, 10
So if your wife can't stand one of your kids and tells you to throw him or her out of the house, follow Father Abraham's example and do what she says. Then later, if God asks you to kill one of your other children, do that too. Don't worry about it. God will probably send an angel to protect the abandoned child and provide a goat for you to kill instead your kid at the last minute. Just be willing to abandon and kill your children for God if he asks you to. That's the important thing.
- Isaac
Isaac had two sons, Esau and Jacob. Isaac loved Esau (because he liked to eat his venison), Rebekah loved Jacob (God knows why), and God hated Esau.
Isaac loved Esau, because he did eat of his venison: but Rebekah loved Jacob. -- Genesis 25:28
Jacob have I loved, but Esau have I hated. -- Romans 9:13
The Bible doesn't say anything more about Isaac's relationship with his two sons until he is about to die, when Rebekah, Jacob, and God all work together to steal Isaac's blessing of Esau and make it apply to Jacob instead. It's a bit too long to tell here, so I suggest you read the Brick Testament story instead.
There is an important message for fathers here. Every father should understand that God will love some of his children and hate others. Don't worry about it. Just try to find out which of you children God hates and then go and do likewise.
- Jacob
Jacob loved Joseph more than his other children, and he made it pretty obvious. So the other kids in the family hated Joseph. (God didn't seem to mind; he liked Joseph best, too.)
Now Israel [Jacob] loved Joseph more than all his children ... And when his brethren saw that their father loved him more than all his brethren, they hated him. -- Genesis 37:3-4
So don't fall for the modern secular lie that a father should love all of children as much and as equally as possible. Follow the example of Jacob and love one of your children more than all of the others.
- Aaron
Aaron just watched quietly as his sons were burned to death by God.
And Nadab and Abihu, the sons of Aaron ... offered strange fire before the LORD, which he commanded them not. And there went out fire from the LORD, and devoured them, and they died before the LORD. .... And Aaron held his peace. -- Leviticus 10:1-3
So if God decides to burn your children to death for burning incense or whatever, just watch quietly. And for God's sake, don't complain about it.
- Caleb
Caleb was one of the twelve scouts that Moses sent out during the Exodus to check out the land of Canaan. Since Caleb told Moses what he wanted to hear (that it would be easy to conquer the Canaanites), he was rewarded, while the ten honest scouts (who filed more discouraging reports) were killed by God in a plague (God's 18th killing).
Forty years later, when the Israelites were busy killing Canaanites, Caleb offered a reward to whomever could smite (kill all the inhabitants of) the city of Kirjathsepher. The reward was his daughter, Achsah.
Caleb said, He that smiteth Kirjathsepher, and taketh it, to him will I give Achsah my daughter to wife. Joshua 15:16
The guy who won the reward happened to be one of Caleb's relatives.
And Othniel the son of Kenaz, the brother of Caleb, took it: and he gave him Achsah his daughter to wife. Joshua 15:17
It's hard to tell from that verse whether Othniel was Caleb's brother or nephew, but whichever it was God approved of the whole thing. Because Caleb was "God's servant."
And the LORD said ... my servant Caleb, because he had another spirit with him, and hath followed me fully, him will I bring into the land whereinto he went; and his seed shall possess it. Numbers 15:20-23
So to all you dads out there, God says it's OK to give your daughter to someone who commits genocide for you, even if the someone is a close relative, like a uncle or even a brother. What the heck.
- Gideon
Gideon is a great example for all Christian men. He had many wives and seventy sons.
And Gideon had threescore and ten sons of his body begotten: for he had many wives. -- Judges 8:30
He taught taught his sons what it means to be a real man.
And he said unto Jether his firstborn, Up, and slay them. But the youth drew not his sword: for he feared, because he was yet a youth. ... And Gideon arose, and slew [them]. -- Judges 8:20-21
This one is pretty obvious. Try to have as many wives and sons as possible. And teach your sons what it means to be real men. (Real men are not afraid to kill people.)
- Jephthah
When the spirit of the Lord came upon Jephthah, he promised to offer to God as a burnt offering whatever came to greet him when he returned from battle. When his daughter greeted him after a successful God-assisted slaughter, he honored his promise to God by killing and burning his daughter for God.
Then the Spirit of the LORD came upon Jephthah.... And Jephthah vowed a vow unto the LORD, and said, If thou shalt without fail deliver the children of Ammon into mine hands, Then it shall be, that whatsoever cometh forth of the doors of my house to meet me, when I return in peace from the children of Ammon, shall surely be the LORD's, and I will offer it up for a burnt offering. So Jephthah passed over unto the children of Ammon to fight against them; and the LORD delivered them into his hands. And he smote them ... with a very great slaughter. ... And Jephthah came to Mizpeh unto his house, and, behold, his daughter came out to meet him with timbrels and with dances.... And ... when he saw her... said, Alas, my daughter! ... I have opened my mouth unto the LORD, and I cannot go back. And she said unto him ... Let this thing be done for me: let me alone two months, that I may go up and down upon the mountains, and bewail my virginity, I and my fellows. ... And it came to pass at the end of two months, that she returned unto her father, who did with her according to his vow which he had vowed. -- Judges 11:29-39
So when the spirit of the Lord comes upon you and you promise God to kill whomever you happen to see first when you get home from your latest God-assisted genocide, remember Jephthah and fulfill your promise to God.
- Saul
Saul offered to sell his daughter for 100 Philistine foreskins.
And Saul said, Thus shall ye say to David, The king desireth not any dowry, but an hundred foreskins of the Philistines. -- 1 Samuel 18:25
David bought her for twice the asking price (200 foreskins).Wherefore David arose and went, he and his men, and slew of the Philistines two hundred men; and David brought their foreskins, and they gave them in full tale to the king, that he might be the king's son in law. And Saul gave him Michal his daughter to wife. -- 1 Samuel 18:27
And since "David did that which was right in the eyes of the LORD ... save only in the matter of Uriah the Hittite," we know that God approved of the transaction.So don't settle for just a few foreskins when selling your daughters.
- David
You can tell a lot about a father by his last words to his children. Take David for example.
David asked his son Solomon to murder Joab for him.
So Solomon sent Benaiah to murder Joab.Now the days of David drew nigh that he should die; and he charged Solomon his son, saying … thou knowest also what Joab the son of Zeruiah did to me … let not his hoar head go down to the grave in peace. 1 Kings 2.1-6
It was told king Solomon that Joab was fled unto the tabernacle of the LORD; and, behold, he is by the altar. Then Solomon sent Benaiah … saying, Go, fall upon him … So Benaiah … fell upon him, and slew him. 1 Kings 2:29-34
And another person that David asked his son to murder was Shimei.
So Solomon sent Benaiah to “fall on” Shimei, too.Thou hast with thee Shimei … which cursed me with a grievous curse in the day when I went to Mahanaim: but he came down to meet me at Jordan, and I sware to him by the LORD, saying, I will not put thee to death with the sword. Now therefore hold him not guiltless: for thou art a wise man, and knowest what thou oughtest to do unto him; but his hoar head bring thou down to the grave with blood. 1 Kings 2:8-9So the king commanded Benaiah ... which went out, and fell upon him, that he died. 1 Kings 2:44-46
The lesson here is this: have a list of people you'd like your children to kill for you after your die.
Job was a perfect man (and perfect father) with ten children, seven sons and three daughters.
There was a man in the land of Uz, whose name was Job; and that man was perfect ... There were born unto him seven sons and three daughters. Job 1:1-2
As part of a bet, God and Satan killed Job's children. After the killing, Job "blessed God" and didn't "foolishly" blame God for his murderous Satanic bet. (See here for details. Or read all 8 of the Brick Testament stories about Job.)
In the end, God rewarded Job for not complaining by replacing the dead children with a completely a new set of ten kids. And the new daughters were even prettier than before!
So the LORD blessed the latter end of Job more than his beginning ... He had also seven sons and three daughters ... And in all the land were no women found so fair as the daughters of Job. Job 42:12-13
So remember dads, if you don't like your children all that much, or have some ugly daughters or whatnot, just ask God and Satan to kill them for you. That way you're sure to get a better set of kids.
- Simon Peter
We don't know from the gospels whether or not Peter was a father, but he was definitely a married man, since Jesus rebuked Peter's mother-in-law's fever.
He [Jesus] arose out of the synagogue, and entered into Simon's house. And Simon's wife's mother was taken with a great fever; and they besought him for her. And he stood over her, and rebuked the fever; and it left her: and immediately she arose and ministered unto them. Luke 4:38-39
Since Peter was married, it's reasonable to suppose that he had children, not that it matters much since Jesus encouraged his disciples to abandon their wives and children. (The first pope abandoned his family for Jesus in Luke 5:11.)
Jesus said ... Every one that hath forsaken ... wife, or children ... for my name's sake, shall receive an hundredfold, and shall inherit everlasting life. Matthew 19:28-29 Mark 10:29-30, Luke 18:29-30
So to hell with fatherhood. Forsake wife and children for Jesus. (He'll give you a big reward for it!)
- God the Father
Somehow I forgot about him. But you can read all about his fathering skills here: here.
June 13, 2011 update: I found another way to be saved, a favorite among Republicans: Make friends with the mammon of unrighteousness.
Fundamentalist, born-again Christians love to say that there's only one way to get saved. But if you believe the Bible, there's a lot more than that. Here are the ways that I've found so far. Let me know if I've missed any and I'll add them to the list.
- Say the right things.
For by thy words thou shalt be justified. -- Matthew 12:37
- Do the right things. (Be a do-gooder.)
And shall come forth; they that have done good, unto the resurrection of life. -- John 5:29
I the Lord ... give every man according to his ways, and according to the fruit of his doings. -- Jeremiah 17:10
For we must all appear before the jugment seat of Christ, that each one may receive the things done in the body, according to what he has done, whether good or bad. -- 2 Corinthians 5:10
- Believe the right things.
A man is justified by faith without the deeds of the law. -- Romans 3:28
Therefore, being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. -- Romans 5:1
A man is not justified by the works of the law, but by the faith of Jesus Christ. -- Galatians 2:16
For by grace are ye saved through faith. -- Ephesians 2:8
- Do and believe the right things.
Faith, if it hath not works, is dead, being alone. -- James 2:17
- Work your way to heaven.
For you render to each one according to his works. -- Psalm 62:12
For the Son of Man will come in the glory of His Father with His angels, and then He will reward each according to his works. -- Matthew 16.27
And I saw the dead, small and great, stand before God; and the books were opened: and another book was opened, which is the book of life: and the dead were judged out of those things which were written in the books, according to their works. And the sea gave up the dead which were in it; and death and hell delivered up the dead which were in them: and they were judged every man according to their works. -- Revelation 20:12-13
Therefore it is no great thing if his ministers also transform themselves into ministers of righteousness, whose end will be according to their works. -- 2 Corinthians 11:15
The Father, who without partiality judges according to each one's work. -- 1 Peter 1:17
What doth it profit, my brethren, though a man say he hath faith, and have not works? can faith save him? -- James 2:14, 17, 20, 24, 26
I will give unto every one of you according to your works. -- Revelation 2:23
- Burn your work.
If any man's work shall be burned, he shall suffer loss: but he himself shall be saved; yet so as by fire. -- 1 Corinthians 3:15
- Be hungry now and never get full.
Blessed are ye that hunger now: for ye shall be filled. ... Woe unto you that are full! for ye shall hunger. -- Luke 6:21, 24
- Hunger and thirst after righteousness.
Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled. -- Matthew 5:6
- Do what is lawful and right.
When the wicked man turneth away from his wickedness ... and doeth that which is lawful and right, he shall save his soul. -- Ezekiel 18:27
- Obey the law of the wise.
The law of the wise is a fountain of life, to depart from the snares of death. -- Proverbs 13:14
- Do God's will
He that doeth the will of God abideth for ever. -- 1 John 2:17
- Do the will of Jesus' father.
Not every one that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven; but he that doeth the will of my Father which is in heaven. -- Matthew 7:21
- Be a doer of the law.
Who will render to each one according to his deeds. ... For not the hearers of the law are just in the sight of God, but the doers of the law will be justified. -- Romans 2:6, 13
- Call on the name of the Lord.
Whosoever shall call on the name of the Lord shall be saved. -- Acts 2:21, Romans 10:13
- Call upon God.
As for me, I will call upon God; and the LORD shall save me. -- Psalm 55:16
- Trust in the Lord.
The LORD shall ... save them, because they trust in him. -- Psalm 37:40
- Get to know God.
In flaming fire taking vengeance on them that know not God, and that obey not the gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ: Who shall be punished with everlasting destruction. -- 2 Thessalonians 1:8-9
- Wait for him.
Wait on the LORD, and he shall save thee. -- Proverbs 20:22
Lo, this is our God; we have waited for him, and he will save us. -- Isaiah 25:9
- Wait and come for 1335 days.
Blessed is he that waiteth, and cometh to the thousand three hundred and five and thirty days. -- Daniel 12:12
- Just look at him.
Look unto me, and be ye saved. -- Isaiah 45:22
- Get lost.
The Son of man is come to save that which was lost. -- Matthew 18:11, Luke 19:10
- Get lucky.
I will have mercy on whom I will have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I will have compassion. ... Therefore hath he mercy on whom he will have mercy, and whom he will he hardeneth. ... Shall the thing formed say to him that formed it, Why hast thou made me thus? Hath not the potter power over the clay, of the same lump to make one vessel unto honour, and another unto dishonour? What if God, willing to shew his wrath, and to make his power known, endured with much longsuffering the vessels of wrath fitted to destruction: -- Romans 9:15-22
- Hope.
For we are saved by hope. -- Romans 8:24
- Repent.
Except ye repent, ye shall all likewise perish. -- Luke 13:3, 5
- Don't be so darned wicked.
When the wicked man turneth away from his wickedness that he hath committed, and doeth that which is lawful and right, he shall save his soul. -- Ezekiel 18:27
- Don't offend the little ones.
But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea. -- Matthew 18:6, Mark 9:14, Luke 17:2
- Don't be filthy or naughty; receive the engrafted word.
Lay apart all filthiness and superfluity of naughtiness, and receive with meekness the engrafted word, which is able to save your souls. -- James 1:21
- Walk upright.
Whoso walketh uprightly shall be saved. -- Proverbs 28:18
- Don't lust.
Then when lust hath conceived, it bringeth forth sin: and sin, when it is finished, bringeth forth death. -- James 1:15
- Bridle your tongue.
If any man among you seem to be religious, and bridleth not his tongue, but deceiveth his own heart, this man's religion is vain. -- James 1:26
- Believe in Jesus.
Whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. -- John 3:16
- Believe on Jesus.
He that believeth on the Son hath everlasting life. -- John 3:36
Verily, verily, I say unto you, He that believeth on me hath everlasting life. -- John 6:47
Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, and thou shalt be saved. -- Acts 16:31
- See Jesus and believe on him.
Every one which seeth the Son, and believeth on him, may have everlasting life: and I will raise him up at the last day. -- John 6:40
- Confess with your mouth "Jesus is Lord" and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead.
If thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved. -- Romans 10:9
- Confess Jesus before men.
Whosoever therefore shall confess me before men, him will I confess also before my Father which is in heaven. -- Matthew 10:32
Whosoever shall confess me before men, him shall the Son of man also confess before the angels of God. -- Luke 12:8
- Obey Jesus.
And [Jesus] being made perfect, he became the author of eternal salvation unto all them that obey him. -- Hebrews 5:9
- Hear the words of Jesus and believe in whoever sent him.
He that heareth my word, and believeth on him that sent me, hath everlasting life. -- John 5:24
- Hear and do the sayings of Jesus.
Whosoever heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth them, I will liken him unto a wise man, which built his house upon a rock. -- Matthew 7:24
- Keep Jesus' saying.
If a man keep my saying, he shall never see death. -- John 8:51
- Drink Jesus' water.
Whosoever drinketh of the water that I shall give him shall never thirst; but the water that I shall give him shall be in him a well of water springing up into everlasting life. -- John 4:14
- Be dead with Jesus.
It is a faithful saying: For if we be dead with him, we shall also live with him: -- 2 Timothy 2:11
- Be born again.
Except a man be born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God. -- John 3:3
- Be born of water and the spirit.
Except a man be born of water and of the Spirit, he cannot enter into the kingdom of God. -- John 3:5
- Believe Paul's gospel.
Moreover, brethren, I declare unto you the gospel which I preached unto you, which also ye have received, and wherein ye stand; By which also ye are saved, if ye keep in memory what I preached unto you, unless ye have believed in vain. 1 Corinthians 15:1-2
- Believe and be baptized.
He that believeth and is baptized shall be saved. -- Mark 16:16
- Just get baptized (you can keep the filth of the flesh).
Baptism doth also now save us (not the putting away of the filth of the flesh). -- 1 Peter 3:21
- Have a contrite spirit.
The LORD ... saveth such as be of a contrite spirit. -- Psalm 34:18
- Don't be deluded by God.
God shall send them strong delusion, that they should believe a lie: That they all might be damned. -- 2 Thessalonians 2:11-12
- Don't be blinded by God.
Israel hath not obtained that which he seeketh for; but the election hath obtained it, and the rest were blinded. ... God hath given them the spirit of slumber, eyes that they should not see, and ears that they should not hear;) unto this day. ... Let their eyes be darkened, that they may not see. -- Romans 11:7-10
- Bear good fruit.
Every tree that bringeth not forth good fruit is hewn down, and cast into the fire. -- Matthew 7:19, Luke 3:9, 13:9
- Be grafted in.
And they also, if they abide not still in unbelief, shall be graffed in: for God is able to graff them in again. -- Romans 11:23
- Be chosen, not just called.
For many are called, but few are chosen. -- Matthew 22:14, 20:16
God hath from the beginning chosen you to salvation. -- 2 Thessalonians 2:13
- Be perfect.
Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect. -- Matthew 5:48
- Be meek.
When God arose to judgment, to save all the meek of the earth. -- Psalm 76:9
Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth. -- Matthew 5:5
- Be washed by the Holy Ghost.
Not by works of righteousness which we have done, but according to his mercy he saved us, by the washing of regeneration, and renewing of the Holy Ghost. -- Titus 3:5
- Get your sins remitted by someone who has received the Holy Ghost. (Or who has been
breathed on by Jesus)
And when he had said this, he breathed on them, and saith unto them, Receive ye the Holy Ghost: Whosesoever sins ye remit, they are remitted unto them; and whose soever sins ye retain, they are retained. -- John 20:22-23
- Be pure in heart.
Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see God. -- Matthew 5:8
- Be upright in heart.
My defence is of God, which saveth the upright in heart. -- Psalm 7:10
- Be converted and become like a little child.
Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven. -- Matthew 18:3, Mark 10:15
- Be a saint.
The LORD ... forsaketh not his saints; they are preserved for ever.. -- Psalm 37:28
- Be a child of the needy.
He shall save the children of the needy. -- Psalm 72:4
- Be persecuted for righteousness sake.
Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness' sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. -- Matthew 5:10
- Be righteous.
Righteousness delivereth from death. -- Proverbs 10:2, 11:4
And these shall go away into everlasting punishment: but the righteous into life eternal. -- Matthew 25:46
- Be more righteous than the scribes and Pharisees.
Except your righteousness shall exceed the righteousness of the scribes and Pharisees, ye shall in no case enter into the kingdom of heaven. -- Matthew 5:20
- Forsake all that you have.
Whosoever he be of you that forsaketh not all that he hath, he cannot be my disciple. -- Luke 14:33
- Hate your own life.
The man who loves his life will lose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life. John 12:25
- Lose your life.
Whosoever shall lose his life shall preserve it. -- Luke 17:33
- Lose your life for Christ's sake.
For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it. -- Matthew 10:39, 16:25, Mark 8:35, Luke 9:24, 17:33
- Belong to a household that has at least one believer.
And they said, Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, and thou shalt be saved, and thy house. -- Acts 16:31
For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy. -- 1 Corinthians 7:14
- Get saved by your spouse.
For what knowest thou, O wife, whether thou shalt save thy husband? or how knowest thou, O man, whether thou shalt save thy wife? -- 1 Corinthians 7:16
- Save your whole family by hearing Simon's magic words.
Call for Simon ... who shall tell thee words, whereby thou and all thy house shall be saved. -- Acts 11:13-14
- Follow the commandments (at least some of them).
If you want to enter into life, keep the commandments. He saith unto him, Which? Jesus said, Thou shalt do no murder, Thou shalt not commit adultery, Thou shalt not steal, Thou shalt not bear false witness, Honour thy father and thy mother: and, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. -- Matthew 19:17-19
And when he was gone forth into the way, there came one running, and kneeled to him, and asked him, Good Master, what shall I do that I may inherit eternal life? ... Thou knowest the commandments, Do not commit adultery, Do not kill, Do not steal, Do not bear false witness, Defraud not, Honour thy father and mother. -- Mark 10:17-19
Blessed are they that do his commandments, that they may have right to the tree of life. -- Revelation 22:14
- Keep some of the commandments, give all your money to the poor, and follow Jesus.
And a certain ruler asked him, saying, Good Master, what shall I do to inherit eternal life? ... Thou knowest the commandments, Do not commit adultery, Do not kill, Do not steal, Do not bear false witness, Honour thy father and thy mother. And he said, All these have I kept from my youth up. ...thou one thing: sell all that thou hast, and distribute unto the poor, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven: and come, follow me.-- Luke 18:18-22
- Keep the commandments of God and the faith of Jesus.
Here is the patience of the saints: here are they that keep the commandments of God, and the faith of Jesus. -- Revelation 14:12
- Do the commandments and teach others to do them.
Whosoever therefore shall break one of these least commandments, and shall teach men so, he shall be called the least in the kingdom of heaven: but whosoever shall do and teach them, the same shall be called great in the kingdom of heaven. -- Matthew 5:19
- Sow to the Spirit.
He that soweth to the Spirit shall of the Spirit reap life everlasting. -- Galatians 6:8
- Endure to the end.
He that endureth to the end shall be saved. -- Matthew 10:22, 24:13, Mark 13:13
- Wait until you die and then have the Mormons baptize you (after you're dead).
Else what shall they do which are baptized for the dead, if the dead rise not at all? why are they then baptized for the dead? -- 1 Corinthians 15:29
- Wait until you die and then hear the voice of the Son of God.
The dead shall hear the voice of the Son of God: and they that hear shall live. -- John 5:25
- Be faithful unto death.
Be thou faithful unto death, and I will give thee a crown of life. -- Revelation 2:10
- Get buried with Jesus by being baptized into death.
We are buried with him by baptism into death: that like as Christ was raised up from the dead by the glory of the Father, even so we also should walk in newness of life. For if we have been planted together in the likeness of his death, we shall be also in the likeness of his resurrection. -- Romans 6:4-5
- Always wear a wedding garment.
And when the king came in to see the guests, he saw there a man which had not on a wedding garment: And he saith unto him, Friend, how camest thou in hither not having a wedding garment? And he was speechless. Then said the king to the servants, Bind him hand and foot, and take him away, and cast him into outer darkness, there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth. -- Matthew 22:11-13
- Don't get married. (Married people don't go to heaven.)
They which shall be accounted worthy to obtain that world, and the resurrection from the dead, neither marry, nor are given in marriage. -- Luke 20:35
- Have lots of babies (and be faithful, charitable, holy, and sober).
And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived was in the transgression. Notwithstanding she shall be saved in childbearing, if they continue in faith and charity and holiness with sobriety. -- 1 Timothy 2:14-15
- Become a eunuch for the kingdom of heaven's sake.
There be eunuchs, which have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven's sake. He that is able to receive it, let him receive it. -- Matthew 19:12
- Don't defile yourself with women. (Be a virgin male.)
...the hundred and forty and four thousand, which were redeemed from the earth. These are they which were not defiled with women; for they are virgins. -- Revelation 14:4
- Don't love your family more than Jesus.
He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. -- Matthew 10:37
- Abandon your home and family for Jesus' name's sake.
And every one that hath forsaken houses, or brethren, or sisters, or father, or mother, or wife, or children, or lands, for my name's sake, shall receive an hundredfold, and shall inherit everlasting life. -- Matthew 19:29, Mark 10:29-30, Luke 18:29-30
- Hate your father, mother, wife, children, brothers, sisters, and your own life.
If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children,and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple. -- Luke 14:26
- Don't hate your brother.
Whosoever hateth his brother is a murderer: and ye know that no murderer hath eternal life abiding in him. -- 1 John 3:15
- Ask your parents to beat you with a rod.
Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die. Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell. -- Proverbs 23:13-14
- Receive a child in the name of Jesus.
Whosoever shall receive this child in my name receiveth me: and whosoever shall receive me receiveth him that sent me. -- Luke 9:48a, Matthew 18:5
- Receive a Christian.
He that receiveth you receiveth me, and he that receiveth me receiveth him that sent me. -- Matthew 10:40
- Receive a prophet in the name of a prophet.
He that receiveth a prophet in the name of a prophet shall receive a prophet's reward. -- Matthew 10:41
- Receive a righteous man in the name of a righteous man.
He that receiveth a righteous man in the name of a righteous man shall receive a righteous man's reward. -- Matthew 10:41
- Receive the gift of eternal life from God through Jesus.
The gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord. -- Romans 6:23
- Don't despise government or walk after flesh.
The Lord knoweth how ... to reserve the unjust unto the day of judgment to be punished: But chiefly them that walk after the flesh in the lust of uncleanness, and despise government. -- 2 Peter 2:9-10
- Don't resist the powers that be.
Let every soul be subject unto the higher powers. For there is no power but of God: the powers that be are ordained of God. Whosoever therefore resisteth the power, resisteth the ordinance of God: and they that resist shall receive to themselves damnation. -- Romans 13:2
- Wash your wicked heart.
Wash thine heart from wickedness, that thou mayest be saved. -- Jeremiah 4:14
- Wash your face and anoint your head when you fast.
When thou fastest, anoint thine head, and wash thy face; hat thou appear not unto men to fast, but unto thy Father which is in secret: and thy Father, which seeth in secret, shall reward thee openly. -- Matthew 6:17-18
- Heed yourself and the doctrine.
Take heed unto thyself, and unto the doctrine; continue in them: for in doing this thou shalt both save thyself, and them that hear thee. -- 1 Timothy 4:16
- Get saved by Jesus' name.
Neither is there salvation in any other: for there is none other name [beside's Jesus'] under heaven given among men, whereby we must be saved. -- Acts 4:12
- Get saved by God's name.
Save me, O God, by thy name. -- Psalm 54:1
- Get saved by God's shining face.
Turn us again, O God, and cause thy face to shine; and we shall be saved. -- Psalm 80:3, 7, 19
- Get saved by the angel of his presence.
The angel of his presence saved them. -- Isaiah 63:9
- Don't doubt.
He that doubteth is damned. -- Romans 14:23
- Don't fall away after you're saved.
For it is impossible for those who were once enlightened, and have tasted of the heavenly gift, and were made partakers of the Holy Ghost, And have tasted the good word of God, and the powers of the world to come, If they shall fall away, to renew them again unto repentance. -- Hebrews 6:4-6
- Don't eat your own vomit.
For it had been better for them not to have known the way of righteousness, than, after they have known it, to turn from the holy commandment delivered unto them. But it is happened unto them according to the true proverb, The dog is turned to his own vomit again; and the sow that was washed to her wallowing in the mire. -- 2 Peter 2:21-22
- Don't blaspheme the Holy Ghost
He that shall blaspheme against the Holy Ghost hath never forgiveness, but is in danger of eternal damnation. -- Mark 3:29, Matthew 12:31-32, Luke 12:10
- Don't let God make you wicked.
The LORD hath made all things for himself: yea, even the wicked for the day of evil. -- Proverbs 16:4
- Convert a sinner.
Let him know, that he which converteth the sinner from the error of his way shall save a soul from death. -- James 5:20
- Turn yourself over to Satan for the destruction of the flesh so your spirit may be saved. (For fornicators only.)
It is reported commonly that there is fornication among you ... deliver such an one unto Satan for the destruction of the flesh, that the spirit may be saved in the day of the Lord Jesus. -- 1 Corinthians 5:1-5
- Make friends with the mammon of unrighteousness.
Make to yourselves friends of the mammon of unrighteousness; that, when ye fail, they may receive you into everlasting habitations. Luke 16:9
- Enter at the strait gate.
Then said one unto him, Lord, are there few that be saved? And he said unto them, Strive to enter in at the strait gate: for many, I say unto you, will seek to enter in, and shall not be able. -- Luke 13:23-24
- Enter through the Jesus door.
I am the door: by me if any man enter in, he shall be saved. -- John 10:9
- Return and Rest.
In returning and rest shall ye be saved. -- Isaiah 30:15
- Don't look back.
Jesus said unto him, No man, having put his hand to the plough, and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God. -- Luke 9:62
- Become a truth-telling child of God.
Surely they are my people, children that will not lie: so he was their Saviour. -- Isaiah 63:8
- Become an Israeli citizen.
Israel shall be saved in the LORD with an everlasting salvation. -- Isaiah 45:17
And so all Israel shall be saved: as it is written, There shall come out of Sion the Deliverer, and shall turn away ungodliness from Jacob. -- Romans 11:26
- Don't be a Jew.
But the children of the kingdom shall be cast out into outer darkness: there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth. -- Matthew 8:12
- Don't be a serpent or a viper, and make sure none of your ancestors were prophet killers.
Ye are the children of them which killed the prophets ... Ye serpents, ye generation of vipers, how can ye escape the damnation of hell? -- Matthew 23:31-33
- Don't be an unrighteous fornicator, idolater, adulterer, effeminate, thief, covetous, drunkard, reviler, extortioner, or an abuser of yourself with mankind.
The unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind, Nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners, shall inherit the kingdom of God. -- 1 Corinthians 6:9-10
- Don't be fearful, unbelieving, abominable, murdering, whore mongering,
a sorcerer, an idolater, or a liar.
The fearful, and unbelieving, and the abominable, and murderers, and whoremongers, and sorcerers, and idolaters, and all liars, shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone: which is the second death. -- Revelation 21:8
- Fear God.
The fear of the LORD is a fountain of life, to depart from the snares of death. -- Proverbs 14:27
- Fear God and cry a lot while praying.
[Jesus] who in the days of his flesh, when he had offered up prayers and supplications with strong crying and tears unto him that was able to save him from death, and was heard in that he feared. -- Hebrews 5:7
- Don't let your eye become evil.
But if thine eye be evil, thy whole body shall be full of darkness. If therefore the light that is in thee be darkness, how great is that darkness! -- Matthew 6:23
- Pluck out your eye if it offends you.
And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell. -- Matthew 5:29-30, 18:8-9, Mark 9:43-49
- Cut off your right hand if it offends you.
If thy right hand offend thee, cut it off, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell. -- Matthew 5:29-30, 18:8-9, Mark 9:43-49
- Don't let your left hand know what your right hand is doing.
Let not thy left hand know what thy right hand doeth: That thine alms may be in secret: and thy Father which seeth in secret himself shall reward thee openly. -- Matthew 6:4-5
- Be ordained to eternal life.
As many as were ordained to eternal life believed. -- Acts 13:48
- Be drawn by by the Father.
No one can come to me unless the Father who sent me draws him, and I will raise him up at the last day. John 6:44
- Be elected by God before you're born.
For the children being not yet born, neither having done any good or evil, that the purpose of God according to election might stand, not of works, but of him that calleth. -- Romans 9:11
Knowing, brethren beloved, your election of God. -- 1 Thessalonians 1:4
- Don't be ashamed of Jesus.
Whosoever therefore shall be ashamed of me and of my words in this adulterous and sinful generation; of him also shall the Son of man be ashamed, when he cometh in the glory of his Father with the holy angels. -- Mark 8:38, Luke 9:26
- Don't let anyone see you do anything good.
Take heed that ye do not your alms before men, to be seen of them: otherwise ye have no reward of your Father which is in heaven. -- Matthew 6:1
- Don't let anyone say anything nice about you.
Woe unto you, when all men shall speak well of you! -- Luke 6:26
- Don't love the world or the things in it.
Love not the world, neither the things that are in the world. If any man love the world, the love of the Father is not in him. -- 1 John 2:15
- Don't be a friend to the world.
Whosoever therefore will be a friend of the world is the enemy of God. -- James 4:4
- Be given by the Father and come to the Son.
All that the Father giveth me shall come to me; and him that cometh to me I will in no wise cast out. -- John 6:37
- Come to the Father by Jesus.
Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me. -- John 14:6
- Be given by God to Jesus (or whatever).
These words spake Jesus, and lifted up his eyes to heaven, and said, Father, the hour is come; glorify thy Son, that thy Son also may glorify thee: As thou hast given him power over all flesh, that he should give eternal life to as many as thou hast given him. -- John 17:1-2
- Be saved by Jesus' life (if you're a friend) or by his death (if your an enemy).
For if, when we were enemies, we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, being reconciled, we shall be saved by his life. -- Romans 5:10
- Don't get circumcised.
Behold, I Paul say unto you, that if ye be circumcised, Christ shall profit you nothing ... ye are fallen from grace. -- Galatians 5:2-4
- Be dead in your sins and uncircumcised flesh, and then let God quicken you with Christ.
But God ... when we were dead in sins, hath quickened us together with Christ. -- Ephesians 2:4-5
- Be chosen from the beginning.
But we are bound to give thanks alway to God for you, brethren beloved of the Lord, because God hath from the beginning chosen you to salvation. -- 2 Thessalonians 2:13
And you, being dead in your sins and the uncircumcision of your flesh, hath he quickened together with him, having forgiven you all trespasses. -- Colossians 2:13
- Be predestinated by God.
For whom he did foreknow, he also did predestinate ... Moreover whom he did predestinate, them he also called: and whom he called, them he also justified: and whom he justified, them he also glorified. -- Romans 8:29-30
He hath chosen us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and without blame before him in love. Having predestinated us ... according to the good pleasure of his will. -- Ephesians 1:4-5
- Give your excess food and clothes to the poor.
The people asked him [John the Baptist], saying, What shall we do then? He answereth ... He that hath two coats, let him impart to him that hath none; and he that hath meat, let him do likewise. Luke 3:10-11
- Be poor, not rich.
He shall ... save the souls of the needy. -- Psalm 72:13
Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. --Matthew 5:3
Blessed be ye poor: for yours is the kingdom of God. ... But woe unto you that are rich! for ye have received your consolation. -- Luke 6:20, 24
Verily I say unto you, That a rich man shall hardly enter into the kingdom of heaven. And again I say unto you, It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God. -- Matthew 19:23-24
Ye rich men, weep and howl for your miseries that shall come upon you. -- James 5:1
- Be poor in this world, be rich in faith, and love God.
Hath not God chosen the poor of this world rich in faith, and heirs of the kingdom which he hath promised to them that love him? -- James 2:5
- Be sad.
Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted. -- Matthew 5:4
- Cry a lot.
Then they cried unto the LORD in their trouble, and he saved them. -- Psalm 107:13, 19
Blessed are ye that weep now: for ye shall laugh. -- Luke 6:21
- Don't laugh.
Woe unto you that laugh now! for ye shall mourn and weep. -- Luke 6:25
- Be last.
But many that are first shall be last; and the last shall be first. -- Matthew 19:30, 20:16; Mark 10:31; Luke 13:30
- Be least.
He that is least among you all, the same shall be great. -- Luke 9:48b
- Eat the bread that comes down from heaven.
This is the bread which cometh down from heaven, that a man may eat thereof, and not die. -- John 6:50
- Eat Jesus' body and drink his blood.
Except ye eat the flesh of the Son of man, and drink his blood, ye have no life in you. Whoso eateth my flesh, and drinketh my blood, hath eternal life; and I will raise him up at the last day. -- John 6:53-54
- Have faith in Jesus' blood.
God hath set forth to be a propitiation through faith in his blood. -- Romans 3:25
- Be saved and justified by Jesus' blood.
Much more then, being now justified by his blood, we shall be saved from wrath through him. -- Romans 5:9
- Make people revile you, persecute you, hate you, avoid you, say bad things about you, and call you names for Jesus' sake.
Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake. -- Matthew 5:11
Blessed are ye, when men shall hate you, and when they shall separate you from their company, and shall reproach you, and cast out your name as evil, for the Son of man's sake. Rejoice ye in that day, and leap for joy: for, behold, your reward is great in heaven. -- Luke 6:22-23
- Follow peace and holiness with all men.
Follow peace with all men, and holiness, without which no man shall see the Lord. -- Hebrews 12:14
- Take heaven by force.
From the days of John the Baptist until now the kingdom of heaven suffereth violence, and the violent take it by force. Matthew 11:12
- Believe in the foolishness of preaching.
For after that in the wisdom of God the world by wisdom knew not God, it pleased God by the foolishness of preaching to save them that believe. -- 1 Corinthians 1:21
- Be innocent.
He [God] shall deliver the island of the innocent. -- Job 22:30
- Give a cup of water to a Christian.
For whosoever shall give you a cup of water to drink in my name, because ye belong to Christ, verily I say unto you, he shall not lose his reward. -- Matthew 10:42, Mark 9:41
- Love Christians.
We know that we have passed from death unto life, because we love the brethren. He that loveth not his brother abideth in death. -- 1 John 3:14
- Love your enemies, do good to them, and give them lots of money.
But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. -- Luke 6:35, Matthew 5:44-45
- Love God and your neighbor.
He said unto him, What is written in the law? how readest thou? And he answering said, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy strength, and with all thy mind; and thy neighbour as thyself. And he said unto him, Thou hast answered right: this do, and thou shalt live. -- Luke 10:26-28
- Be a peacemaker.
Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God. -- Matthew 5:9
- Feed the hungry, give drink to the thirsty, take in strangers, clothe the naked, visit the sick and imprisoned.
Then shall the King say unto them on his right hand, Come, ye blessed of my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world. For I was an hungred, and ye gave me meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me drink: I was a stranger, and ye took me in: Naked, and ye clothed me: I was sick, and ye visited me: I was in prison, and ye came unto me. -- Matthew 25:34-36
- Be merciful.
Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy. -- Matthew 5:7
For he shall have judgment without mercy, that hath shewed no mercy; and mercy rejoiceth against judgment. -- James 2:13
- Forgive people.
For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. Matthew 6:14
- Don't judge.
Judge not, and ye shall not be judged. -- Matthew 7:1, Luke 6:37
- Be humble.
He [God] shall save the humble person. -- Job 22:29
Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven. -- Matthew 7:1
He that humbleth himself shall be exalted. -- Luke 14:11, 18:14
- Love the truth.
And with all deceivableness of unrighteousness in them that perish; because they received not the love of the truth, that they might be saved. -- 2 Thessalonians 2:10
- Do good. Avoid evil.
Depart from evil, and do good; and dwell for evermore. -- Psalm 37:27
- Don't pray in public.
And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward. -- Matthew 6:5
- Be saved by other people's unbelief.
(You can have some of mine; I've got plenty.)For as ye in times past have not believed God, yet have now obtained mercy through their unbelief. -- Romans 11:30
- Just ask.
Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you: For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened. -- Matthew 7:7-8
- All you need is love.
Love is of God; and every one that loveth is born of God. -- 1 John 4:7
OK, so now that we know all about Paul Revere's ride and Anthony's weener, let's get back to more important things. Like the end of the world.
Last month (seems longer ago than that, doesn't it?), Harold Camping predicted that the world would end at 6 pm local time on May 21, 2011. He figured it would have to happen then since it was exactly 7000 years after it started raining on Noah's ark.
He'd have never made that mistake, if he'd just listened to Jesus.
Here's what Jesus said about the end of the world.
(The synoptic gospels disagree a bit about the order of events, but this list is as close as I could get to what Jesus supposedly said.)
Before the end comes the following things must happen:
- Many false Christs and false prophets will show off signs and wonders that will deceive many people. Some will claim the end is near. Don't believe them.
Many shall come in my name, saying, I am Christ; and shall deceive many. Matthew 24:5
Many false prophets shall rise, and shall deceive many. Matthew 24:11
If any man shall say unto you, Lo, here is Christ, or there; believe it not. For there shall arise false Christs, and false prophets, and shall shew great signs and wonders; insomuch that, if it were possible, they shall deceive the very elect. Matthew 24:23-24
Many shall come in my name, saying, I am Christ; and shall deceive many. Mark 13:6
Many shall come in my name, saying, I am Christ; and the time draweth near: go ye not therefore after them. Luke 21:8
(I haven't noticed many "false Christs" or "great signs and wonders" lately, though there have been a few like Harold Camping, Hal Lindsey, William Miller, and the Jehovah's Witnesses that have said "the time draweth near." But they've been doing that forever. And they're always wrong.) - There will be wars, rumors of wars, and commotions. (Ignore all that.)
Ye shall hear of wars and rumours of wars: see that ye be not troubled: for all these things must come to pass, but the end is not yet. Matthew 24:6
Ye shall hear of wars and rumours of wars, be ye not troubled: for such things must needs be; but the end shall not be yet. Mark 13:7
When ye shall hear of wars and commotions, be not terrified: for these things must first come to pass; but the end is not by and by. Luke 21:9
(There will be wars. OK, he was right about that. But it hasn't been very helpful in setting the date for the end of the world.) - There will be earthquakes, famines, troubles, pestilences, fearful sights, and great signs from heaven. (This is just the beginning of sorrows.)
There shall be famines, and pestilences, and earthquakes, in divers places. All these are the beginning of sorrows. Matthew 24:7-8
There shall be earthquakes in divers places, and there shall be famines and troubles: these are the beginnings of sorrows. Mark 13:8
Great earthquakes shall be in divers places, and famines, and pestilences; and fearful sights and great signs shall there be from heaven. Luke 21:11
(This is one of the stupidest things Jesus is said to have said. There have always been earthquakes, diseases, etc. Couldn't God find a better way to communicate with us?) - Believers will be arrested, beaten, persecuted, and killed by Jews and kings.
Then shall they deliver you up to be afflicted, and shall kill you. Matthew 24:9
They shall deliver you up to councils; and in the synagogues ye shall be beaten: and ye shall be brought before rulers and kings for my sake, for a testimony against them. Mark 13:9
They shall lay their hands on you, and persecute you, delivering you up to the synagogues, and into prisons, being brought before kings and rulers for my name's sake. Luke 21:12
(This one has happened now and then, and still happens today in some parts of the world, though not noticeably more today than in in the past. But when did Jews persecute Christians? Seems like Jesus got this one backwards.) - But not a hair on a believer's head will perish. (Even if they are killed.)
But there shall not an hair of your head perish. Luke 21:18
(Since the visible part of hair is dead, I suppose Jesus was sort of right about this one. I guess the end is near.) - Believers will be hated by everyone (for Christ's sake).
Ye shall be hated of all nations for my name's sake. Matthew 24:9
Ye shall be hated of all men for my name's sake. Mark 13:13
Ye shall be hated of all men for my name's sake. Luke 21:17
(The religious right in the United States is starting to make this one come true.) - Believers will hate one another.
Then shall many be offended, and shall betray one another, and shall hate one another. Matthew 24:10
(Believers have been fighting among themselves since the time Jesus supposedly said this, but less today than in the past.)
- Friends and family will betray each other and some will be put to death.
Now the brother shall betray the brother to death, and the father the son; and children shall rise up against their parents, and shall cause them to be put to death. Mark 13:12
Ye shall be betrayed both by parents, and brethren, and kinsfolks, and friends; and some of you shall they cause to be put to death. Luke 21:16
(Have believers been betraying their family and friends to avoid persecution lately?) - Iniquity will abound and love wax cold. (But don't worry. If you make it this far, you'll be saved.)
Iniquity shall abound, the love of many shall wax cold. But he that shall endure unto the end, the same shall be saved. Matthew 24:12-13
He that shall endure unto the end, the same shall be saved. Mark 13:13
(Is there more iniquity or less love than usual? I hadn't noticed. Still, I am encouraged since I've endured this far. I guess I'm saved after all.) - The gospel will be preached to all nations (and then the end will come).
This gospel of the kingdom shall be preached in all the world for a witness unto all nations; and then shall the end come. Matthew 24:14
The gospel must first be published among all nations. Mark 13:10
(This one happened a long time ago. Paul even claimed it had happened back in his day. The entire world is sick of hearing about Jesus. Stop already!) - The abomination of desolations will be displayed where it shouldn't be. (When you see this,
it's time to head for the hills. Whoso readeth, let him understand.)
When ye ... see the abomination of desolation, spoken of by Daniel the prophet, stand in the holy place, (whoso readeth, let him understand:) Then let them which be in Judaea flee into the mountains:Matthew 24:15-16
When ye shall see the abomination of desolation, spoken of by Daniel the prophet, standing where it ought not, (let him that readeth understand,) then let them that be in Judaea flee to the mountains. Mark 13:14
(Nobody knows what the hell Jesus was talking about here.) - Pregnant and nursing women will be especially screwed.
Woe unto them that are with child, and to them that give suck in those days! Matthew 24:19
Woe to them that are with child, and to them that give suck in those days! Mark 13:17
Woe unto them that are with child, and to them that give suck, in those days! for there shall be great distress in the land, and wrath upon this people. Luke 21:23
(I suppose this one has always been true.) - Jerusalem will be trampled by non-Jews (until the time of the Gentiles be fulfilled).
Jerusalem shall be trodden down of the Gentiles, until the times of the Gentiles be fulfilled. Luke 21:24
(I don't know what to make of this one. Has the time of the non-Jews been fulfilled?) - It will be bloody hell out there.
Then shall be great tribulation, such as was not since the beginning of the world to this time, no, nor ever shall be. Matthew 24:21
In those days shall be affliction, such as was not from the beginning of the creation which God created unto this time, neither shall be. Mark 13:19
(I just checked and it looks pretty nice out there. Don't think this one has happened yet.) - Everyone will be afraid of everything.
Men's hearts failing them for fear, and for looking after those things which are coming on the earth: for the powers of heaven shall be shaken. Luke 21:26
(There's plenty of fear today, but is there any more than usual? And I'm pretty sure the powers of heaven haven't been shaken.) - The sun and moon will darken, the stars will fall down from the sky, the powers of heaven will shake, and waves on the sea will roar.
The sun be darkened, and the moon shall not give her light, and the stars shall fall from heaven, and the powers of the heavens shall be shaken. Matthew 24:29
The stars of heaven shall fall, and the powers that are in heaven shall be shaken. Mark 13:25
And there shall be signs in the sun, and in the moon, and in the stars; and upon the earth distress of nations, with perplexity; the sea and the waves roaring; Luke 21:25
(Jesus was talking about things that he knew nothing about. Ignore him.) - Then, and only then, will Jesus come in all his glory.
As the lightning cometh out of the east, and shineth even unto the west; so shall also the coming of the Son of man be. Matthew 24:27
Then shall appear the sign of the Son of man in heaven: and then shall all the tribes of the earth mourn, and they shall see the Son of man coming in the clouds of heaven with power and great glory. Matthew 24:30
And then shall they see the Son of man coming in the clouds with great power and glory. Mark 13:26
And then shall they see the Son of man coming in a cloud with power and great glory. Luke 21:26
(Everyone will get to see Jesus come. He'll come in the clouds like lightning, with one great and powerful splurge of omnipotence. Don't miss it.) - And he'll come within the lifetime of his contemporaries.
Verily I say unto you, This generation shall not pass, till all these things be fulfilled. Matthew 24:34
Verily I say unto you, that this generation shall not pass, till all these things be done. Mark 13:30
Verily I say unto you, This generation shall not pass away, till all be fulfilled. Luke 21:32
(Crap! We all missed it. It all happened nearly 2000 years ago. Oh well.)
So there you have it. That is what Jesus supposedly said about his own second coming and the end of the world. And he ought to know.
Except that it turns out he didn't. He had no idea when he was scheduled to return. Here's what he said about it (after he told everyone when he'd return).
Of that day and that hour knoweth no man, no, not the angels which are in heaven, neither the Son, but the Father. Mark 13:32
So forget Harold Camping. And forget Jesus, too.
OK, so now that we know all about Paul Revere's ride and Anthony's weener, let's get back to more important things. Like the end of the world.
Last month (seems longer ago than that, doesn't it?), Harold Camping predicted that the world would end at 6 pm local time on May 21, 2011. He figured it would have to happen then since it was exactly 7000 years after it started raining on Noah's ark.
He'd have never made that mistake, if he'd just listened to Jesus.
Here's what Jesus said about the end of the world.
(The synoptic gospels disagree a bit about the order of events, but this list is as close as I could get to what Jesus supposedly said.)
Before the end comes the following things must happen:
- Many false Christs and false prophets will show off signs and wonders that will deceive many people. Some will claim the end is near. Don't believe them.
Many shall come in my name, saying, I am Christ; and shall deceive many. Matthew 24:5
Many false prophets shall rise, and shall deceive many. Matthew 24:11
If any man shall say unto you, Lo, here is Christ, or there; believe it not. For there shall arise false Christs, and false prophets, and shall shew great signs and wonders; insomuch that, if it were possible, they shall deceive the very elect. Matthew 24:23-24
Many shall come in my name, saying, I am Christ; and shall deceive many. Mark 13:6
Many shall come in my name, saying, I am Christ; and the time draweth near: go ye not therefore after them. Luke 21:8
(I haven't noticed many "false Christs" or "great signs and wonders" lately, though there have been a few like Harold Camping, Hal Lindsey, William Miller, and the Jehovah's Witnesses that have said "the time draweth near." But they've been doing that forever. And they're always wrong.) - There will be wars, rumors of wars, and commotions. (Ignore all that.)
Ye shall hear of wars and rumours of wars: see that ye be not troubled: for all these things must come to pass, but the end is not yet. Matthew 24:6
Ye shall hear of wars and rumours of wars, be ye not troubled: for such things must needs be; but the end shall not be yet. Mark 13:7
When ye shall hear of wars and commotions, be not terrified: for these things must first come to pass; but the end is not by and by. Luke 21:9
(There will be wars. OK, he was right about that. But it hasn't been very helpful in setting the date for the end of the world.) - There will be earthquakes, famines, troubles, pestilences, fearful sights, and great signs from heaven. (This is just the beginning of sorrows.)
There shall be famines, and pestilences, and earthquakes, in divers places. All these are the beginning of sorrows. Matthew 24:7-8
There shall be earthquakes in divers places, and there shall be famines and troubles: these are the beginnings of sorrows. Mark 13:8
Great earthquakes shall be in divers places, and famines, and pestilences; and fearful sights and great signs shall there be from heaven. Luke 21:11
(This is one of the stupidest things Jesus is said to have said. There have always been earthquakes, diseases, etc. Couldn't God find a better way to communicate with us?) - Believers will be arrested, beaten, persecuted, and killed by Jews and kings.
Then shall they deliver you up to be afflicted, and shall kill you. Matthew 24:9
They shall deliver you up to councils; and in the synagogues ye shall be beaten: and ye shall be brought before rulers and kings for my sake, for a testimony against them. Mark 13:9
They shall lay their hands on you, and persecute you, delivering you up to the synagogues, and into prisons, being brought before kings and rulers for my name's sake. Luke 21:12
(This one has happened now and then, and still happens today in some parts of the world, though not noticeably more today than in in the past. But when did Jews persecute Christians? Seems like Jesus got this one backwards.) - But not a hair on a believer's head will perish. (Even if they are killed.)
But there shall not an hair of your head perish. Luke 21:18
(Since the visible part of hair is dead, I suppose Jesus was sort of right about this one. I guess the end is near.) - Believers will be hated by everyone (for Christ's sake).
Ye shall be hated of all nations for my name's sake. Matthew 24:9
Ye shall be hated of all men for my name's sake. Mark 13:13
Ye shall be hated of all men for my name's sake. Luke 21:17
(The religious right in the United States is starting to make this one come true.) - Believers will hate one another.
Then shall many be offended, and shall betray one another, and shall hate one another. Matthew 24:10
(Believers have been fighting among themselves since the time Jesus supposedly said this, but less today than in the past.)
- Friends and family will betray each other and some will be put to death.
Now the brother shall betray the brother to death, and the father the son; and children shall rise up against their parents, and shall cause them to be put to death. Mark 13:12
Ye shall be betrayed both by parents, and brethren, and kinsfolks, and friends; and some of you shall they cause to be put to death. Luke 21:16
(Have believers been betraying their family and friends to avoid persecution lately?) - Iniquity will abound and love wax cold. (But don't worry. If you make it this far, you'll be saved.)
Iniquity shall abound, the love of many shall wax cold. But he that shall endure unto the end, the same shall be saved. Matthew 24:12-13
He that shall endure unto the end, the same shall be saved. Mark 13:13
(Is there more iniquity or less love than usual? I hadn't noticed. Still, I am encouraged since I've endured this far. I guess I'm saved after all.) - The gospel will be preached to all nations (and then the end will come).
This gospel of the kingdom shall be preached in all the world for a witness unto all nations; and then shall the end come. Matthew 24:14
The gospel must first be published among all nations. Mark 13:10
(This one happened a long time ago. Paul even claimed it had happened back in his day. The entire world is sick of hearing about Jesus. Stop already!) - The abomination of desolations will be displayed where it shouldn't be. (When you see this,
it's time to head for the hills. Whoso readeth, let him understand.)
When ye ... see the abomination of desolation, spoken of by Daniel the prophet, stand in the holy place, (whoso readeth, let him understand:) Then let them which be in Judaea flee into the mountains:Matthew 24:15-16
When ye shall see the abomination of desolation, spoken of by Daniel the prophet, standing where it ought not, (let him that readeth understand,) then let them that be in Judaea flee to the mountains. Mark 13:14
(Nobody knows what the hell Jesus was talking about here.) - Pregnant and nursing women will be especially screwed.
Woe unto them that are with child, and to them that give suck in those days! Matthew 24:19
Woe to them that are with child, and to them that give suck in those days! Mark 13:17
Woe unto them that are with child, and to them that give suck, in those days! for there shall be great distress in the land, and wrath upon this people. Luke 21:23
(I suppose this one has always been true.) - Jerusalem will be trampled by non-Jews (until the time of the Gentiles be fulfilled).
Jerusalem shall be trodden down of the Gentiles, until the times of the Gentiles be fulfilled. Luke 21:24
(I don't know what to make of this one. Has the time of the non-Jews been fulfilled?) - It will be bloody hell out there.
Then shall be great tribulation, such as was not since the beginning of the world to this time, no, nor ever shall be. Matthew 24:21
In those days shall be affliction, such as was not from the beginning of the creation which God created unto this time, neither shall be. Mark 13:19
(I just checked and it looks pretty nice out there. Don't think this one has happened yet.) - Everyone will be afraid of everything.
Men's hearts failing them for fear, and for looking after those things which are coming on the earth: for the powers of heaven shall be shaken. Luke 21:26
(There's plenty of fear today, but is there any more than usual? And I'm pretty sure the powers of heaven haven't been shaken.) - The sun and moon will darken, the stars will fall down from the sky, the powers of heaven will shake, and waves on the sea will roar.
The sun be darkened, and the moon shall not give her light, and the stars shall fall from heaven, and the powers of the heavens shall be shaken. Matthew 24:29
The stars of heaven shall fall, and the powers that are in heaven shall be shaken. Mark 13:25
And there shall be signs in the sun, and in the moon, and in the stars; and upon the earth distress of nations, with perplexity; the sea and the waves roaring; Luke 21:25
(Jesus was talking about things that he knew nothing about. Ignore him.) - Then, and only then, will Jesus come in all his glory.
As the lightning cometh out of the east, and shineth even unto the west; so shall also the coming of the Son of man be. Matthew 24:27
Then shall appear the sign of the Son of man in heaven: and then shall all the tribes of the earth mourn, and they shall see the Son of man coming in the clouds of heaven with power and great glory. Matthew 24:30
And then shall they see the Son of man coming in the clouds with great power and glory. Mark 13:26
And then shall they see the Son of man coming in a cloud with power and great glory. Luke 21:26
(Everyone will get to see Jesus come. He'll come in the clouds like lightning, with one great and powerful splurge of omnipotence. Don't miss it.) - And he'll come within the lifetime of his contemporaries.
Verily I say unto you, This generation shall not pass, till all these things be fulfilled. Matthew 24:34
Verily I say unto you, that this generation shall not pass, till all these things be done. Mark 13:30
Verily I say unto you, This generation shall not pass away, till all be fulfilled. Luke 21:32
(Crap! We all missed it. It all happened nearly 2000 years ago. Oh well.)
So there you have it. That is what Jesus supposedly said about his own second coming and the end of the world. And he ought to know.
Except that it turns out he didn't. He had no idea when he was scheduled to return. Here's what he said about it (after he told everyone when he'd return).
Of that day and that hour knoweth no man, no, not the angels which are in heaven, neither the Son, but the Father. Mark 13:32
So forget Harold Camping. And forget Jesus, too.
A group of Islamic clerics wants the Pakistani Supreme Court to rule certain Bible passages blasphemous. They say that these passages present some of the prophets of Islam as being just a tad shy of completely virtuous.
Take Lot, for example. Lot is a prophet of Islam and is, therefore, a perfect example of moral virtue.
But that's not how he's portrayed in the Bible. I'll let Professor Brothers tell you the story from Genesis 19.
Now if that isn't blasphemy, I don't know what is.
But Muslims aren't bothered by Professor Brothers' story. They couldn't be, since the same story is told in the Quran.
When Our messengers came unto Lot, he was distressed and knew not how to protect them. ... And his people came unto him, running towards him - and before then they used to commit abominations - He said: O my people! Here are my daughters! They are purer for you. Beware of Allah, and degrade me not in (the person of) my guests. Is there not among you any upright man? Quran 11:77-78
When the messengers came unto the family of Lot ... And the people of the city came, rejoicing at the news (of new arrivals). He said: Lo! they are my guests. Affront me not! ... He said: Here are my daughters, if ye must be doing (so). Quran 15:61-71
No, it wasn't that Lot offered his virgin daughters to a sex-crazed mob of angel rapers. That was perfectly virtuous. It was the rest of the story in Genesis 19, the part that Professor Brothers just couldn't make himself tell.
Here is the blasphemous bit that upsets the Muslim clerics.
I guess getting drunk and impregnating your daughters is not considered virtuous to Muslims. (It doesn't bother Christians, though. They believe messed-up Bible story #7, and yet still consider Lot a "just and righteous man.")
Muslims deny Lot's drunken incestuous couple of nights in the cave. They say it didn't happen and anyone that says it did commits blasphemy (and must, therefore, be killed). Which means, of course, that Genesis 19:30-38 is blasphemy.
And the Bible has to be banned.
Oh well.
A group of Islamic clerics wants the Pakistani Supreme Court to rule certain Bible passages blasphemous. They say that these passages present some of the prophets of Islam as being just a tad shy of completely virtuous.
Take Lot, for example. Lot is a prophet of Islam and is, therefore, a perfect example of moral virtue.
But that's not how he's portrayed in the Bible. I'll let Professor Brothers tell you the story from Genesis 19.
Now if that isn't blasphemy, I don't know what is.
But Muslims aren't bothered by Professor Brothers' story. They couldn't be, since the same story is told in the Quran.
When Our messengers came unto Lot, he was distressed and knew not how to protect them. ... And his people came unto him, running towards him - and before then they used to commit abominations - He said: O my people! Here are my daughters! They are purer for you. Beware of Allah, and degrade me not in (the person of) my guests. Is there not among you any upright man? Quran 11:77-78
When the messengers came unto the family of Lot ... And the people of the city came, rejoicing at the news (of new arrivals). He said: Lo! they are my guests. Affront me not! ... He said: Here are my daughters, if ye must be doing (so). Quran 15:61-71
No, it wasn't that Lot offered his virgin daughters to a sex-crazed mob of angel rapers. That was perfectly virtuous. It was the rest of the story in Genesis 19, the part that Professor Brothers just couldn't make himself tell.
Here is the blasphemous bit that upsets the Muslim clerics.
I guess getting drunk and impregnating your daughters is not considered virtuous to Muslims. (It doesn't bother Christians, though. They believe messed-up Bible story #7, and yet still consider Lot a "just and righteous man.")
Muslims deny Lot's drunken incestuous couple of nights in the cave. They say it didn't happen and anyone that says it did commits blasphemy (and must, therefore, be killed). Which means, of course, that Genesis 19:30-38 is blasphemy.
And the Bible has to be banned.
Oh well.
Earlier this spring, the Egyptian military arrested women demonstrators in Tahrir Square and subjected them to "virginity tests." According to an Egyptian general, these tests were done for two reasons: 1) to prove that the Egyptian authorities didn't rape the women, and 2) to prove that the women were prostitutes.
And the test worked like a charm. All of the women failed the test, proving that they were prostitutes (since they were non-virgins) and that the authorities did not rape them (since you can't rape a woman who is not a virgin).
Since Egypt is a predominantly Muslim country, I thought I'd check to see if the Quran mentions virginity testing. It doesn't, so far as I can tell.
But the Bible does.
Here, for example, is how Moses told his military leaders to apply virginity tests on Midianite women. (God's 26th Killing)
Have ye saved all the women alive? ... Now therefore ... kill every woman that hath known man by lying with him. But all the women children, that have not known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves. Numbers 31:14-18
I suspect that the test procedure was similar to the Egyptian military's, but the outcome was different. The Egyptians tortured, terrorized, and humiliated women prisoners; the Israelites killed those who failed the test and enslaved (and raped) those that passed.
The same test was used in Judges 21, where the non-Benjamite Israelites were looking for wives for the Benjamites after their unsuccessful God-inspired genocide attempt. (It's a long story, see here for the details.)
Go and smite the inhabitants of Jabeshgilead with the edge of the sword, with the women and the children ... utterly destroy every male, and every woman that hath lain by man. And they found among the inhabitants of Jabeshgilead four hundred young virgins, that had known no man by lying with any male: and they brought them unto the camp to Shiloh. Judges 21:10-12
And, of course, virginity testing is required whenever a woman gets married. If she passes (by providing "the tokens of her virginity"), she becomes the possession of her husband; if she fails, the men of her city stone her to death.
If any man take a wife, and go in unto her, and hate her, And give occasions of speech against her, and bring up an evil name upon her, and say, I took this woman, and when I came to her, I found her not a maid: Then shall the father of the damsel, and her mother, take and bring forth the tokens of the damsel's virginity unto the elders of the city in the gate: And the damsel's father shall say unto the elders, I gave my daughter unto this man to wife, and he hateth her; And, lo, he hath given occasions of speech against her, saying, I found not thy daughter a maid; and yet these are the tokens of my daughter's virginity. And they shall spread the cloth before the elders of the city. And the elders of that city shall take that man and chastise him; And they shall amerce him in an hundred shekels of silver, and give them unto the father of the damsel, because he hath brought up an evil name upon a virgin of Israel: and she shall be his wife; he may not put her away all his days. But if this thing be true, and the tokens of virginity be not found for the damsel: Then they shall bring out the damsel to the door of her father's house, and the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she die: because she hath wrought folly in Israel, to play the whore in her father's house: so shalt thou put evil away from among you. Deuteronomy 22:13-21
"Virginity tests" are a degrading form of torture that should be condemned by everyone, regardless of nationality or religious belief.
But how can a Bible believer condemn such tests when they are approved and promoted by the Bible?
Earlier this spring, the Egyptian military arrested women demonstrators in Tahrir Square and subjected them to "virginity tests." According to an Egyptian general, these tests were done for two reasons: 1) to prove that the Egyptian authorities didn't rape the women, and 2) to prove that the women were prostitutes.
And the test worked like a charm. All of the women failed the test, proving that they were prostitutes (since they were non-virgins) and that the authorities did not rape them (since you can't rape a woman who is not a virgin).
Since Egypt is a predominantly Muslim country, I thought I'd check to see if the Quran mentions virginity testing. It doesn't, so far as I can tell.
But the Bible does.
Here, for example, is how Moses told his military leaders to apply virginity tests on Midianite women. (God's 26th Killing)
Have ye saved all the women alive? ... Now therefore ... kill every woman that hath known man by lying with him. But all the women children, that have not known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves. Numbers 31:14-18
I suspect that the test procedure was similar to the Egyptian military's, but the outcome was different. The Egyptians tortured, terrorized, and humiliated women prisoners; the Israelites killed those who failed the test and enslaved (and raped) those that passed.
The same test was used in Judges 21, where the non-Benjamite Israelites were looking for wives for the Benjamites after their unsuccessful God-inspired genocide attempt. (It's a long story, see here for the details.)
Go and smite the inhabitants of Jabeshgilead with the edge of the sword, with the women and the children ... utterly destroy every male, and every woman that hath lain by man. And they found among the inhabitants of Jabeshgilead four hundred young virgins, that had known no man by lying with any male: and they brought them unto the camp to Shiloh. Judges 21:10-12
And, of course, virginity testing is required whenever a woman gets married. If she passes (by providing "the tokens of her virginity"), she becomes the possession of her husband; if she fails, the men of her city stone her to death.
"Virginity tests" are a degrading form of torture that should be condemned by everyone, regardless of nationality or religious belief.
But how can a Bible believer condemn such tests when they are approved and promoted by the Bible?
I will utterly consume all things from off the land, saith the LORD. I will consume man and beast; I will consume the fowls of the heaven, and the fishes of the sea. Zephaniah 1:2-3
(You might not be able to tell just from reading it, but this passage shows God's concern for the environment and his attitude toward poverty and justice. That's why it is highlighted in both the Green Bible and the Poverty and Justice Bible.)
God is going to burn to death every living thing on earth, as he explains in Zephaniah 3:8 (which is also highlighted in the P&J Bible).
All the earth shall be devoured with the fire of my jealousy.
Christians aren't bothered by this, though, since it won't happen until after the Rapture. They'll be in heaven, while everyone and everything else is "devoured with the fire of [God's] jealousy."
So it all works out fine in the end. God's justice, concern for the environment, and his love for humanity will be clearly shown when he burns everyone and everything on earth (except the Bible-believers, of course).
That is why believers have been saying for nearly 2000 years, and still say today, "Come Lord Jesus!" They are looking forward to the day and the hour that Harold Camping tried to predict.
(Mr. Camping has a new date, by the way -- October 21, 2011.)
I will utterly consume all things from off the land, saith the LORD. I will consume man and beast; I will consume the fowls of the heaven, and the fishes of the sea. Zephaniah 1:2-3
(You might not be able to tell just from reading it, but this passage shows God's concern for the environment and his attitude toward poverty and justice. That's why it is highlighted in both the Green Bible and the Poverty and Justice Bible.)
God is going to burn to death every living thing on earth, as he explains in Zephaniah 3:8 (which is also highlighted in the P&J Bible).
All the earth shall be devoured with the fire of my jealousy.
Christians aren't bothered by this, though, since it won't happen until after the Rapture. They'll be in heaven, while everyone and everything else is "devoured with the fire of [God's] jealousy."
So it all works out fine in the end. God's justice, concern for the environment, and his love for humanity will be clearly shown when he burns everyone and everything on earth (except the Bible-believers, of course).
That is why believers have been saying for nearly 2000 years, and still say today, "Come Lord Jesus!" They are looking forward to the day and the hour that Harold Camping tried to predict.
(Mr. Camping has a new date, by the way -- October 21, 2011.)
There shall come in the last days scoffers ... saying, Where is the promise of his coming? for since the fathers fell asleep, all things continue as they were from the beginning of the creation. 2 Peter 3:3-4
There shall come in the last days scoffers ... saying, Where is the promise of his coming? for since the fathers fell asleep, all things continue as they were from the beginning of the creation. 2 Peter 3:3-4
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