Author Archive for Steve WellsPage 3 of 7
No, not that gay companion, silly. Not David. Jonathan's other gay companion.
Here's Ms. Bachmann's version of the story. (It starts at 4:30.)
And here's what really happened according to the Bible (1 Samuel 14:1-14).
(As always, be sure to read the Brick Testament story.)
One day Jonathan and his armor bearer decided to go find some uncircumcised guys to kill. Who knows? Maybe God would help them.
Jonathan said to the young man that bare his armour, Come, and let us go over unto the garrison of these uncircumcised: it may be that the LORD will work for us. 1 Samuel 14:6
Jonathan's amorous armor bearer said to him, "Do whatever is in your heart. Whatever is in your heart is in my heart, too." (They had a very close, intimate relationship.)
So Jonathan told him his plan. They will go over to the Philistines and if they say, "Wait there and we'll come over to you," then Jonathan and his armor bearer will stay put. But if the Philistines say, "Come up to us, and we will show you something," then they will attack, knowing that God will help kill them.
Then said Jonathan, Behold, we will pass over unto these men, and we will discover ourselves unto them. If they say thus unto us, Tarry until we come to you; then we will stand still in our place, and will not go up unto them. But if they say thus, Come up unto us; then we will go up: for the LORD hath delivered them into our hand: and this shall be a sign unto us. 1 Samuel 14:8-10
So they did that. And when the Philistines saw them, they said, "Look the Hebrews have crawled out of the holes they were hiding in."
And both of them discovered themselves unto the garrison of the Philistines: and the Philistines said, Behold, the Hebrews come forth out of the holes where they had hid themselves. 1 Samuel 14:11
And then the Philistines said the magic words of doom, "Come on up and we'll show you a thing or two."
And the men of the garrison answered Jonathan and his armourbearer, and said, Come up to us, and we will shew you a thing. 1 Samuel 14:12a
When Jonathan heard that, he told his partner that God would help them kill the Philistines.
And Jonathan said unto his armourbearer, Come up after me: for the LORD hath delivered them into the hand of Israel. 1 Samuel 14:12b
So they crawled out of their hole and began to kill Philistines.
And Jonathan climbed up upon his hands and upon his feet, and his armourbearer after him: and they fell before Jonathan; and his armourbearer slew after him. 1 Samuel 14:12
They killed about 20 of them, all in an area of half an acre or so. Which is not too bad for a very first slaughter.
And that first slaughter, which Jonathan and his armourbearer made, was about twenty men, within as it were an half acre of land, which a yoke of oxen might plow. 1 Samuel 14:14
But it is quite different from Ms. Bachmann's story. In her version, Jonathan and his friend kill the entire Philistine army, not just 20 guys in a half-acre.
Here's what she says (6:30 in the video).
And what was amazing is that Jonathan and his compatriot soldier took the entire army down. ... That's what God is looking for today.
But she was sort of right. After the 1/2 acre slaughter, God sent an earthquake and then he forced the Philistines to kill each other.
And there was trembling ... and the earth quaked: so it was a very great trembling. ... The multitude melted away, and they went on beating down one another ... Every man's sword was against his fellow. 1 Samuel 14:15-20
I guess the point is the same, though. God wants us to kill uncircumcised people (Muslims, Catholics, Democrats, old people, the poor, etc.). He will do it himself if he has to, but he'd like our help. Otherwise he'll have to send earthquakes and hurricanes and then force us all to kill each other. And you wouldn't want that to happen, would you?
"Yet she increased her whoring, remembering the days of her youth, when she played the whore in the land of Egypt and lusted after her paramours there, whose members were like those of donkeys, and whose issue was like that of horses. Thus you longed for the lewdness of your youth, when the Egyptians handled your bosom and pressed your young breasts." Ezekiel 23:19-21Is that pornographic? Did we really need to know how the Assyrians were hung, and how they ejaculated? Well, apparently God thinks so. Every word is profitable, right? Doug Wilson: On Being a Tricky Dancer
Pastor Doug quoted this pornographic passage from Ezekiel to defend a guy named Mark Driscoll, who is the featured speaker at next month's Christ Church conference, right here in Moscow, Idaho.
You see, Mark Driscoll "sees things."
Jesus shows him X-rated movies of people in his congregation having sex.
Here, I'll let MD tell you about it.
But, hey, Doug says, if God can talk about donkey dicks and horse-like splooge in Ezekiel 23:20 (for no apparent reason), then Mark Driscoll can talk about his dirty movies at the Christ Church conference.
You can register for the conference here.
- Christian New Wire: Sexpert Pastor Mark Driscoll is Told, 'Enough is Enough'
- Pyromaniacs: Pornographic Divination
- Pyromaniacs: Let's not dance around the real issue
- The Christian World View - Mark Driscoll: Is He Qualified To Lead?
Here's why.
It all has to do with the question that Byron York asked Michele Bachmann at the debate last Thursday night.
In 2006, when you were running for Congress, you described a moment in your life when your husband said you should study for a degree in tax law. You said you hated the idea, and then you explained: "But the Lord said, be submissive. Wives, you are to be submissive to your husband." As president, would you be submissive to your husband?
It was a surprisingly fair and balanced question for a debate sponsored by Fox News.
Ms. Bachmann didn't answer the question, of course. Instead she said that she respected her husband and was proud of their 28 kids.
And yet she believes she should be submissive to her husband in everything, as though he were God himself. She believes this because she believes in the Bible and the Bible says exactly that.
Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. Ephesians 5:22-24
Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord. Colossians 3:18
Wives, be in subjection to your own husbands. 1 Peter 3:1
Teach the young women to be ... obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed. Titus 2:4-5
So a vote for Michelle Bachmann is not a vote for her; it's a vote for her husband, Marcus.
And that might be OK with Bachmann's supporters. Marcus is, by all accounts, as bat-shit crazy as his wife. He loves Jesus just as much as she does (maybe even more).
But to vote for Marcus you must vote for Michele, which is something the Bible does not permit.
I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence. For Adam was first formed, then Eve. And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived was in the transgression. 1 Timothy 2:12-14
A woman president would have authority over men, and thereby cause the word of God to be blasphemed. (If, as Doug Wilson says, Titus 2:5 means anything.)
So those who agree with Michele Bachmann shouldn't vote for her.
(Neither, of course, should anyone else.)
As Jon Stewart points out, we are no longer allowed to say that rich people are rich. "You have to refer to them as 'job creators.' You can't even use the word 'rich'. You have to say, 'This chocolate cake is so moist and job creator.'"
Well then, here's what Jesus said about job creators.
Verily I say unto you, That arich manjob creator shall hardly enter into the kingdom of heaven. And again I say unto you, It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for arich manjob creator to enter into the kingdom of God. Matthew 19:23-24, Mark 10:25, Luke 18:25
Woe to you that arerichjob creators! for ye have received your consolation. Luke 6:24
There was a certainrich manjob creator, which was clothed in purple and fine linen, and fared sumptuously every day:And there was a certain beggar named Lazarus, which was laid at his gate, full of sores,
And desiring to be fed with the crumbs which fell from the
rich man'sjob creator's table: moreover the dogs came and licked his sores.And it came to pass, that the beggar died, and was carried by the angels into Abraham's bosom: the
rich manjob creator also died, and was buried;And in hell he lift up his eyes, being in torments, and seeth Abraham afar off, and Lazarus in his bosom.
And he cried and said, Father Abraham, have mercy on me, and send Lazarus, that he may dip the tip of his finger in water, and cool my tongue; for I am tormented in this flame.
But Abraham said, Son, remember that thou in thy lifetime receivedst thy good things, and likewise Lazarus evil things: but now he is comforted, and thou art tormented. Luke 16:19-25
Clearly, according to Jesus, job creators are going to hell. Their best hope for salvation is higher taxes. The more we tax them, the greater their chance of making it through the eye of the needle.
So let's save the job creators by taxing the hell out of them.
The US Air Force has discontinued its Christian-based training class for nuclear missile officers after a report by Truthout. I guess the Air Force no longer points to Jesus as a model for its mighty warriors.
Here is a slide that was used in the program's Power Point presentation.
And here is the full description of Jesus "Mighty Warrior" Christ from Revelation 19 (verses 11-17).
And I saw heaven opened, and behold a white horse; and he that sat upon him was called Faithful and True, and in righteousness he doth judge and make war.His eyes were as a flame of fire, and on his head were many crowns; and he had a name written, that no man knew, but he himself.
And he was clothed with a vesture dipped in blood: and his name is called The Word of God.
And the armies which were in heaven followed him upon white horses, clothed in fine linen, white and clean.
And out of his mouth goeth a sharp sword, that with it he should smite the nations: and he shall rule them with a rod of iron: and he treadeth the winepress of the fierceness and wrath of Almighty God.
And he hath on his vesture and on his thigh a name written, KING OF KINGS, AND LORD OF LORDS.
And I saw an angel standing in the sun; and he cried with a loud voice, saying to all the fowls that fly in the midst of heaven, Come and gather yourselves together unto the supper of the great God; hat ye may eat the flesh of kings, and the flesh of captains, and the flesh of mighty men, and the flesh of horses, and of them that sit on them, and the flesh of all men.
Yep, that's Just War Jesus for you.
He makes war, has eyes of fire, with many crowns on his head, a name that nobody knows but himself, has clothes dripping with blood, has another name called "the Word of God," leads an army of heavenly soldiers with a sharp sword sticking out of his mouth and an iron rod in his hand with a third set of names ("King of Kings and Lord of Lords") tattooed on his thigh (or scrotum), smiting nations and feeding the flesh of all the resulting dead human bodies to the birds.
Now that's a guy who'd enjoy launching a nuclear-armed Intercontinental Ballistic Missile!
The rich shall not give more, and the poor shall not give less than half a shekel. Exodus 30:15
OK, it might take more than half a shekel (~ $10) from each US taxpayer, but you get the idea. Each of us pays the same, whether rich or poor.
Take the military, for example. Each of the 100.6 million full-time employees chips in $6810 this year and we've got the wars in Afghanistan, Iraq, and Libya paid for. No sweat.
Then to pay off the debt (caused by unfunded wars and tax cuts for the wealthy), we each throw in another $142,000 or so. A piece of cake.
It might be a bit rough for for the average worker making $39,000 a year, but Oh well. We must protect our "Job Creators" (wealthy people).
The Reverend Geraint ap lorwert, rector of the St Peter ad Vincula Church in Pennal, Wales, began re-reading the Bible in Lent and was "gobsmacked" by the cruelty that he found within. So he cut out the "nasty bits" and displayed them on what he calls "the wall of shame."
He also included whatever good bits he could find, burning the remaining scraps as a testament to the "cruel and vile God" of the Bible, saying "the King James Bible should be praised for its language but not for the God it represents."
The result is sort of a condensed, artistic version of the SAB.
It's now Cru.
“We believe wholeheartedly that God has given us this new name,” said Steve Sellers, vice president for the U.S. for Campus Crusade for Christ.
God gave the original name (Campus Crusade for Christ) to Bill Bright back in 1951, but God figures it's time to rename it now. Having the word "campus" or "crusade" or "Christ" in it just doesn't sound right to the big guy anymore.
So on Tuesday, God chose a new name from over 1600 suggested, using the same method that he used to replace Judas after Judas hung himself and/or splattered his guts on the ground: he put all the names in a hat and picked the winner.
And God picked "Cru."
God knows what "cru" means, but he's not telling. It isn't short for "Crusade," though, if that's what you're thinking. "Crusade is a 1970s kind of word," as Robert Stewart, the executive director of the Christian Service Center for Central Florida, explained. It's outdated and God doesn't like it anymore.
So now it's just "cru."
(Or maybe "Cru for you-know-who")
Republicans and Democrats just can't seem to find a solution to the debt crisis. That's because they are ignoring what the Bible has to say about it. Because the perfect compromise can be found in 1 Timothy 5 and 6.
Chapter 5 should please the Republicans.
The author (I'll call him "Paul" since that's who he claimed to be, though he probably wasn't) explains precisely who should, and who should not, be helped. His focus was on widows, but the same principles could be applied to all.
The first thing Paul does is distinguish between "widows indeed" and other types of widows. Widows indeed (true widows) should be honored (given public assistance).
Honour widows that are widows indeed. 1 Timothy 5:3
But which widows are "widows indeed?"
Paul has a list of ten requirements. A widow is a widow indeed if she:
- Has no living children or nephews. (If the widow has any living children or nephews, it is their responsibility to take care of her.)
But if any widow have children or nephews, let them learn first to shew piety at home, and to requite their parents. 1 Timothy 5:4
- Is desolate, trusts in God, and prays all the time.
Now she that is a widow indeed, and desolate, trusteth in God, and continueth in supplications and prayers night and day. 1 Timothy 5:5
- Is not living in pleasure.
(A widow living in pleasure is the living dead.)But she that liveth in pleasure is dead while she liveth. 1 Timothy 5:6
- Is over 60 years old.
Let not a widow be taken into the number under threescore years old. 1 Timothy 5:9a
- Had only one husband.
(A woman who has buried two husbands wouldn't qualify.)Having been the wife of one man. 1 Timothy 5:9b
- Has raised children.
(No barren or selfish, childless women need apply.)If she have brought up children. 1 Timothy 5:10
- Has lodged strangers.
If she have lodged strangers. 1 Timothy 5:10
- Has washed the saints' feet.
If she have washed the saints' feet. 1 Timothy 5:10
- Has relieved the afflicted.
If she have relieved the afflicted. 1 Timothy 5:10
- Has diligently followed every good work.
If she have diligently followed every good work. 1 Timothy 5:10
Applying Paul's rules for widows would greatly reduce the number of widows that would qualify for public assistance. The same approach when extended to all seniors would result in the 1 Timothy 5 plan for Medicare -- which is the Paul Ryan plan. (No medicare at all.)
The money that is saved from the 1 Timothy 5/Paul (the Apostle) Ryan Medicare Plan could be applied to reducing the deficit -- or (more likely) giving tax cuts to wealthy individuals and corporations ("the job creators"). The "public assistance for job creators" plan should easily pass the House. I think it already has.
And now for the Democratic Plan.
It can stated in just two verses from 1 Timothy 6.
Charge them that are rich ... that they be ... ready to distribute. 1 Timothy 6:17-18
OK, never mind. Screw the compromise. Let's just go with 1 Timothy 6 plan. (If we can stay away from the first two verses, that is.)
It should be easy for Republicans to select a candidate for president.
Just let God do it for them.
The only problem with that is this: God has already endorsed several, if not all, of the candidates.
Fortunately, the Bible has a foolproof procedure guaranteed to work even when God can't make up his own mind. It's called a lottery.
That's how God selected the first king of Israel. Here's how it worked.
God told the people to present themselves to him by tribe and clan ("thousands").
Samuel called the people together unto the LORD ... And said unto the children of Israel, Thus saith the LORD ... present yourselves before the LORD by your tribes, and by your thousands. 1 Samuel 10:17-19
Then a tribe was selected by lot. (Benjamin had the lucky number.)
And when Samuel had caused all the tribes of Israel to come near, the tribe of Benjamin was taken. 1 Samuel 10:20
Next, a clan was selected. (Matri)
When he had caused the tribe of Benjamin to come near by their families, the family of Matri was taken. 1 Samuel 10:21a
And the king was selected from the clan. (Saul)
And Saul the son of Kish was taken. 1 Samuel 10:21b
But Shucks! When they looked, they couldn't find him.
When they sought him, he could not be found. 1 Samuel 10:21c
So they asked God what to do and God said that Saul was hiding in the stuff.
Therefore they enquired of the LORD further, if the man should yet come thither. And the LORD answered, Behold he hath hid himself among the stuff. 1 Samuel 10:22
And sure enough, they found Saul hiding in the stuff. He was hard to miss since he stood head and shoulders above everyone in Israel. (He was also the best-looking.)
And they ran and fetched him thence: and when he stood among the people, he was higher than any of the people from his shoulders and upward. 1 Samuel 10:23
It all worked out great in the end. God chose the best (tallest, best-looking) candidate and all the people shouted, "God save the king."
And Samuel said to all the people, See ye him whom the LORD hath chosen, that there is none like him among all the people? And all the people shouted, and said, God save the king. 1 Samuel 10:24
Well, except for a few "children of Belial" (RINOs) who complained about it a bit.
But the children of Belial said, How shall this man save us? And they despised him. 1 Samuel 10:27
So there you have it. No need for expensive campaigns, debates, caucuses, straw polls, primaries, or nominating conventions. God's party should select its candidate God's way: by lottery. (Either that or just choose the tallest, best looking candidate. It should work out the same.)
(By the way, this isn't the only time a lottery was used in the Bible to select an important candidate. Matthias was selected by lottery to replace Judas, who died by spilling his guts out and hanging himself.)
Congressmen Todd Akin (R-MO) recently said this about liberals:
At the heart of liberalism really is a hatred for God.
So I thought I'd check to see what the Bible says about them. Here's what I found.
- God makes liberals fat.
The liberal soul shall be made fat. -- Proverbs 11:25
- And since being fat is is sure sign of righteousness in the eyes of God, liberals are righteous people.
The righteous shall flourish like the palm tree ... they shall be fat and flourishing. -- Psalm 92:12-14
- Liberals are not lying, churlish, vile, villainous hypocrites that steal from the poor and hungry. (Guess who that would be.)
The vile person shall be no more called liberal ... For the vile person will speak villany, and his heart will work iniquity, to practise hypocrisy ... to make empty the soul of the hungry, and he will cause the drink of the thirsty to fail. The instruments also of the churl are evil: he deviseth wicked devices to destroy the poor with lying words. -- Isaiah 32:5-7
- Liberals distribute wealth from the rich to the poor.
For your liberal distribution ... unto all men ... Thanks be unto God. -- 2 Corinthians 9:13-15
- And lastly, liberals devise and stand for liberal things.
The liberal deviseth liberal things; and by liberal things shall he stand. -- Isaiah 32:8
God loves liberals. Todd Akin should become one. Then God would love him, too.
Have you noticed the Mormon reaction to the Tony-winning Broadway musical The Book of Mormon? Probably not. There wasn't much of one.
Mormons haven't tried to defend themselves by claiming that it got things wrong. And that is because it didn't. Mormons believe what The Book of Mormon claims they do.
Take the song, I Believe, for example. Here are some of the lyrics.
- I believe that ancient Jews built boats and sailed to America.
- I believe that in 1978 God changed his mind about black people.
Here is what God said in 1949 through the First Presidency under George Albert Smith:
The attitude of the Church with reference to the Negroes remains as it has always stood. It is not a matter of the declaration of a policy but of direct commandment from the Lord, on which is founded the doctrine of the Church from the days of its organization, to the effect that Negroes may become members of the Church but that they are not entitled to the Priesthood at the present time. The prophets of the Lord have made several statements as to the operation of the principle. President Brigham Young said: "Why are so many of the inhabitants of the earth cursed with a skin of blackness? It comes in consequence of their fathers rejecting the power of the holy priesthood, and the law of God. They will go down to death. And when all the rest of the children have received their blessings in the holy priesthood, then that curse will be removed from the seed of Cain, and they will then come up and possess the priesthood, and receive all the blessings which we now are entitled to."
And here is what God said after changing his mind in 1978:
He has heard our prayers, and by revelation has confirmed that the long-promised day has come when every faithful, worthy man in the church may receive the Holy Priesthood, with power to exercise its divine authority, and enjoy with his loved ones every blessing that follows there from, including the blessings of the temple. Accordingly, all worthy male members of the church may be ordained to the priesthood without regard for race or color. Priesthood leaders are instructed to follow the policy of carefully interviewing all candidates for ordination to either the Aaronic or the Melchizedek Priesthood to insure that they meet the established standards for worthiness.
- I believe that God lives on a planet called Kolob.
You can read all about it in chapter 3 of the Book of Abraham.
- And I believe that the garden of Eden was in Jackson County, Missouri.
This one is less clear to me, but there's no doubt about it among Mormons.
Here is the secret code left by Joseph Smith identifying Independence, Missouri in Jackson County as the original Garden of Eden. (Mormons believe "the center place" to be the Garden of Eden. You'll just have to trust them on that.)
Hearken, O ye elders of my church, sayeth the Lord your God, who have assembled yourselves together, according to my commandments, in this land, which is the land of Missouri, which is the land which I have appointed and consecrated for the gathering of saints.
Wherefore, this is the land of promise, and the place for the city of Zion.
Thus saith the Lord your God, if you will receive wisdom here is wisdom. Behold, the place which is now called Independence is the center place; a a spot for the temple is lying westward, upon a lot which is not far from the court-house. -- Doctrine and Covenants 57:1-3
That is a fair summary of entire Book of Mormon. Ancient Jews sailed to America and separated into two groups: one "fair and delightsome" to God, the other evil and dark-skinned. (God darkened their skin to punish them for their disbelief and to discourage intermarriage with the white folk.) The dark-skinned Jews killed off all their white relatives and thereby became the ancestors of today's Native Americans.
Richard Bushman, the Howard W. Hunter Visiting Professor of Mormon Studies at Claremont Graduate University in California, claims that "The Book of Mormon is like looking into a fun-house mirror; the reflection is hilarious but not really you."
But it is you, Dr. Bushman. It is you, and all Mormons like you, that believe the things you believe. You may not recognize yourself, since you've never looked at your beliefs in a flat mirror before. But your beliefs are bat-shit crazy, as anyone viewing them from the outside knows immediately.
And you seem to understand it, too, when you say this about The Book of Mormon:
I suppose it seems obvious to many people that a moment’s reflection about personal planets, Kolob, and the Garden of Eden in Missouri will plant doubts. Any rational person in the modern world who thinks about such outlandish ideas for one second will see they are preposterous. Mormons can’t think about their faith; they must “just believe.”
I agree with you here. It is obvious to any rational person after a moment's reflection that Mormon beliefs about personal planets, Kolob, the Missouri Garden of Eden are preposterous. Mormons can't think rationally about their faith; they must just believe.
And as long as they just believe, we will just laugh at them.
If Mormons don't like people laughing at them for believing stupid things, they should stop believing stupid things.
I'm number 65, which I guess makes me Terbium, the rarest of the rare earth elements. Or something like that.
Actually, though, my symbol is Ab, which is probably for "Annotated Bible" in the SAB, since, as you remember from your Chemistry class, only two letters are allowed for element symbols (S is taken by Sam Harris, and Sa by Carl Sagan). I'm grouped in "the wicked of the web," along with Sc (Skepchick, Rebecca Wastson), Bh (Blag Hag, Jen McCreight), Ec (Edward Current), and Md (Mr. Deity, Brian Keith Dalton). I am in very good company!
Sorry for not posting more lately, but I've been revising the SAB, getting it ready to publish it in book form. I'm now working my way through the gospel of John, and I just noticed that the total number of absurdities is 2011.
Here's a link: 2011 Absurdities in the Bible.
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