Since it's nearing Father's Day again, I thought I'd re-post this. I've added King David, an example to fathers everywhere.

Noah, the just preacher of righteousness
For some reason, God really liked Noah. He hated everyone else, though. Hated them so much, in fact, that he drowned every last one of them. Everyone except for Noah (and his family), that is.

What was it that God liked about Noah? Well, the bible doesn't say. It only says that he was a "just and perfect preacher of righteousness." (Genesis 6:9, 7:1; 2 Peter 2:5)

It isn't until after the flood, though, that we find out about his true character. Noah plants a vineyard, gets drunk, and lies around naked in his tent. His son, Ham, happens to see his father in this condition. When Noah sobers up and hears "what his young son had done unto him" (what did he do besides look at him?), he curses not Ham, who "saw the nakedness of his father," but Ham's son, Canaan.

And Noah ... planted a vineyard: And he drank of the wine, and was drunken; and he was uncovered within his tent. And Ham, the father of Canaan, saw the nakedness of his father, and told his two brethren without. And Shem and Japheth took a garment, and laid it upon both their shoulders, and went backward, and covered the nakedness of their father; and their faces were backward, and they saw not their father's nakedness. And Noah awoke from his wine, and knew what his younger son had done unto him. And he said, Cursed be Canaan; a servant of servants shall he be unto his brethren. Genesis 9:20-25

Lot, the just and righteous
Lot was a family man and one of God's special heroes. Out of all of the inhabitants of Sodom and Gomorrah, God saved only Lot and his family. This was because Lot was, according to the bible, a just and righteous man (2 Peter 2:7-8). He was also, no doubt, an excellent father. Here is what the Bible says about him:

He offered his two virgin daughters to a crowd of angel rapers, saying:

"Behold now, I have two daughters which have not known man; let me, I pray you, bring them out unto you, and do ye to them as is good in your eyes." -- Genesis 19:8

And Lot went up out of Zoar, and dwelt in the mountain, and his two daughters with him.... And the firstborn said unto the younger, Our father is old, and there is not a man in the earth to come in unto us after the manner of all the earth: Come, let us make our father drink wine, and we will lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father. And they made their father drink wine that night: and the firstborn went in, and lay with her father; and he perceived not when she lay down, nor when she arose. And it came to pass on the morrow, that the firstborn said unto the younger, Behold, I lay yesternight with my father: let us make him drink wine this night also; and go thou in, and lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father. And they made their father drink wine that night also: and the younger arose, and lay with him; and he perceived not when she lay down, nor when she arose. Thus were both the daughters of Lot with child by their father. -- Genesis 19:30-36

Abraham
Abraham abandoned his first son, Ishmael, sending him and his mother into the desert to die.

Wherefore she (Sarah) said unto Abraham, Cast out this bondwoman (Hagar) and her son (Ishmael) ... And God said unto Abraham, Let it not be grievous in thy sight because of the lad, and because of thy bondwoman; in all that Sarah hath said unto thee, hearken unto her voice. ... And Abraham ... took bread, and a bottle of water, and gave it unto Hagar, putting it on her shoulder, and the child and sent her away: and she departed, and wandered in the wilderness. -- Genesis 21:10-14

He then agreed to sacrifice his second son (his "only" son) to God as a burnt offering.

And he said, Take now thy son, thine only son Isaac, whom thou lovest, and ... offer him there for a burnt offering.... And Abraham stretched forth his hand, and took the knife to slay his son. -- Genesis 22:2, 10

Jacob
Jacob loved Joseph more than his other children, and he made it pretty obvious. So the other kids in the family hated Joseph. (God didn't seem to mind; he liked Joseph best, too.)

Now Israel [Jacob] loved Joseph more than all his children ... And when his brethren saw that their father loved him more than all his brethren, they hated him. -- Genesis 37:3-4

Aaron
Aaron just watched quietly as his sons were burned to death by God.

And Nadab and Abihu, the sons of Aaron ... offered strange fire before the LORD, which he commanded them not. And there went out fire from the LORD, and devoured them, and they died before the LORD. .... And Aaron held his peace. -- Leviticus 10:1-3

Gideon
Gideon is a great example for all Christian men. He had many wives and seventy sons.

And Gideon had threescore and ten sons of his body begotten: for he had many wives. -- Judges 8:30

He taught taught his sons what it means to be a real man.

And he said unto Jether his firstborn, Up, and slay them. But the youth drew not his sword: for he feared, because he was yet a youth. ... And Gideon arose, and slew [them]. -- Judges 8:20-21

Jephthah
When the spirit of the Lord came upon Jephthah, he promised to offer to God as a burnt offering whatever came to greet him when he returned from battle. When his daughter greeted him after a successful God-assisted slaughter, he honored his promise to God by killing and burning his daughter for God.

Then the Spirit of the LORD came upon Jephthah.... And Jephthah vowed a vow unto the LORD, and said, If thou shalt without fail deliver the children of Ammon into mine hands, Then it shall be, that whatsoever cometh forth of the doors of my house to meet me, when I return in peace from the children of Ammon, shall surely be the LORD's, and I will offer it up for a burnt offering. So Jephthah passed over unto the children of Ammon to fight against them; and the LORD delivered them into his hands. And he smote them ... with a very great slaughter. ... And Jephthah came to Mizpeh unto his house, and, behold, his daughter came out to meet him with timbrels and with dances.... And ... when he saw her... said, Alas, my daughter! ... I have opened my mouth unto the LORD, and I cannot go back. And she said unto him ... Let this thing be done for me: let me alone two months, that I may go up and down upon the mountains, and bewail my virginity, I and my fellows. ... And it came to pass at the end of two months, that she returned unto her father, who did with her according to his vow which he had vowed. -- Judges 11:29-39

Saul
Saul offered to sell his daughter for 100 Philistine foreskins.

And Saul said, Thus shall ye say to David, The king desireth not any dowry, but an hundred foreskins of the Philistines. -- 1 Samuel 18:25

Wherefore David arose and went, he and his men, and slew of the Philistines two hundred men; and David brought their foreskins, and they gave them in full tale to the king, that he might be the king's son in law. And Saul gave him Michal his daughter to wife. -- 1 Samuel 18:27

And since "David did that which was right in the eyes of the LORD ... save only in the matter of Uriah the Hittite," we know that God approved of the transaction.

Saul was also a model for Christian parents who discover that they have a gay child. Here's how Saul handled it when he found out about Jonathan's homosexual relationship with David.

Then Saul's anger was kindled against Jonathan, and he said unto him, Thou son of the perverse rebellious woman, do not I know that thou hast chosen the son of Jesse to thine own confusion, and unto the confusion of thy mother's nakedness? ... Wherefore now send and fetch him unto me, for he shall surely die. And Jonathan answered Saul his father, and said unto him, Wherefore shall he be slain? what hath he done? And Saul cast a javelin at him to smite him: whereby Jonathan knew that it was determined of his father to slay David. 1 Samuel 20:30-33

David
You can tell a lot about a father by his last words to his children. Take David for example.

David asked his son Solomon to murder Joab for him.

Now the days of David drew nigh that he should die; and he charged Solomon his son, saying … thou knowest also what Joab the son of Zeruiah did to me … let not his hoar head go down to the grave in peace. 1 Kings 2.1-6

So Solomon sent Benaiah to murder Joab.

It was told king Solomon that Joab was fled unto the tabernacle of the LORD; and, behold, he is by the altar. Then Solomon sent Benaiah … saying, Go, fall upon him … So Benaiah … fell upon him, and slew him. 1 Kings 2:29-34

And another person that David asked his son to murder was Shimei.

Thou hast with thee Shimei … which cursed me with a grievous curse in the day when I went to Mahanaim: but he came down to meet me at Jordan, and I sware to him by the LORD, saying, I will not put thee to death with the sword. Now therefore hold him not guiltless: for thou art a wise man, and knowest what thou oughtest to do unto him; but his hoar head bring thou down to the grave with blood. 1 Kings 2:8-9

So Solomon sent Benaiah to “fall on” Shimei, too.

So the king commanded Benaiah ... which went out, and fell upon him, that he died. 1 Kings 2:44-46

God the Father
Somehow I forgot about him. But you can read all about his fathering skills here: here.

Which do you think is the best Father's Day example?

When we last left Lehi and his family, they were camping out on the shore of the Red Sea next to the River Laman. The Lord had just visited Nephi and told him about his plan to lead Nephi to a new land that the Lord had prepared just for him, "a land which is choice above all other lands."

And then his dad had another dream.

And it came to pass that I, Nephi, returned from speaking with the Lord, to the tent of my father. And it came to pass that he spake unto me, saying: Behold I have dreamed a dream . . . 1 Nephi 3:1-2a

This wasn't just any old dream, either. It was a Book of Mormon dream.

. . . in the which the Lord hath commanded me that thou and thy brethren shall return to Jerusalem. 1 Nephi 3:2b

So Nephi and his brothers had to go back to Jerusalem. Why? Did they forget to lock the house? Leave the coffee pot on? What?

No, it's much more serious than that. They forgot their danged brass plates!

For behold, Laban hath the record of the Jews and also a genealogy of my forefathers, and they are engraven upon plates of brass. 1 Nephi 3:3

It had Lehi's whole genealogy on it, and Mormons love their genealogies (especially the ancient Jewish Mormons).

But it wasn't just Lehi that insisted on the 800+ kilometer round trip; it was God. (God is a Mormon and he's into genealogy, too.)

Wherefore, the Lord hath commanded me that thou and thy brothers should go unto the house of Laban, and seek the records, and bring them down hither into the wilderness. 1 Nephi 3:4

So God commanded Nephi and his brothers to return to Jerusalem, get the brass plates from a guy named Laban, and return "hither into the wilderness."

And after three more and-it-came-to-passes and one exceedingly, the four brothers were back in Jerusalem.

And it came to pass that when we had gone up to the land of Jerusalem, I and my brethren did consult one with another. 1 Nephi 3:10

Now they just needed to decide how to get the brass plates back from Laban.

Luckily, though, they had all read the Bible so they knew the proper way of deciding such things. They cast lots.

And we cast lots -- who of us should go in unto the house of Laban. 1 Nephi 3:11a

And the lot fell upon Laman, so he went in to talk to Laban about the plates.

And it came to pass that the lot fell upon Laman; and Laman went in unto the house of Laban, and he talked with him as he sat in his house. And he desired of Laban the records which were engraven upon the plates of brass, which contained the genealogy of my father. 1 Nephi 3:11b-12

But Laban refused to give him the plates, accused him of trying to rob him, and threatened to kill him.

And behold, it came to pass that Laban was angry, and thrust him out from his presence; and he would not that he should have the records. Wherefore, he said unto him: Behold thou art a robber, and I will slay thee. 1 Nephi 3:13

After that, Laman, Lemuel, and Sam wanted to give up on the plates and return "to the wilderness."

But Laman fled out of his presence, and told the things which Laban had done, unto us. And we began to be exceedingly sorrowful, and my brethren were about to return unto my father in the wilderness. 1 Nephi 3:14

But Nephi talked them out of it in a long, boring speech.

But behold I said unto them that: As the Lord liveth, and as we live, we will not go down unto our father in the wilderness until we have accomplished the thing which the Lord hath commanded us.

blah, blah, blah

And it came to pass that after this manner of language did I persuade my brethren, that they might be faithful in keeping the commandments of God. 1 Nephi 3:15-21

So Nephi and his brothers go get their father's gold, silver, and precious things (that were left behind on their wilderness trip), brought them to Laban, and offered to trade it all for the plates.

And it came to pass that we went down to the land of our inheritance, and we did gather together our gold, and our silver, and our precious things. And after we had gathered these things together, we went up again unto the house of Laban. And it came to pass that we went in unto Laban, and desired him that he would give unto us the records which were engraven upon the plates of brass, for which we would give unto him our gold, and our silver, and all our precious things. 1 Nephi 3:22-24

Laban wanted their gold and whatnot but he also wanted to keep the plates. (He was into genealogy, too.) So he decided to kill them and take their stuff.

And it came to pass that when Laban saw our property, and that it was exceedingly great, he did lust after it, insomuch that he thrust us out, and sent his servants to slay us, that he might obtain our property. 1 Nephi 3:25

Nephi and his brothers escaped to the wilderness and hid in "the cavity of a rock."

And it came to pass that we did flee before the servants of Laban, and we were obliged to leave behind our property, and it fell into the hands of Laban. And it came to pass that we fled into the wilderness, and the servants of Laban did not overtake us, and we hid ourselves in the cavity of a rock. 1 Nephi 3:26-27

By this time, Laman and Lemuel had had enough. They "did speak many hard words" to Nephi and started beating him with a rod.

And it came to pass that Laman was angry with me, and also with my father; and also was Lemuel, for he hearkened unto the words of Laman. Wherefore Laman and Lemuel did speak many hard words unto us, their younger brothers, and they did smite us even with a rod. 1 Nephi 3:28

Then an angel showed up and told them to stop beating Nephi; that God has chosen Nephi to rule over them; that they should go back to Jerusalem; and that God would deliver Laban into their hands.

And it came to pass as they smote us with a rod, behold, an angel of the Lord came and stood before them, and he spake unto them, saying: Why do ye smite your younger brother with a rod? Know ye not that the Lord hath chosen him to be a ruler over you, and this because of your iniquities? Behold ye shall go up to Jerusalem again, and the Lord will deliver Laban into your hands. 1 Nephi 3:29

But Laman and Lemuel weren't convinced by the angel.

And after the angel had departed, Laman and Lemuel again began to murmur, saying: How is it possible that the Lord will deliver Laban into our hands? Behold, he is a mighty man, and he can command fifty, yea, even he can slay fifty; then why not us?1 Nephi 3:31

Since they were Book of Mormon characters, they were used to angels dropping by to deliver messages from God. I suppose that sort of thing gets old after a while.

Surah 2 is the longest surah in the Quran, so it's going to take a while to get through it. I can only take so much of this stuff at a time.

It starts, as many surahs do, with three Arabic letters.

Alif. Lam. Mim. 2:1

No one knows what they mean or why they are there. But I have a theory.

The mysterious letters (Alif. Lam. Mim.) are the Quranic equivalent of W.T.F.

Allah is wise, mysterious, funny.

But he has a serious side, too. Take the next verse where he says:

This is the Scripture whereof there is no doubt. 2:2a

The Quran is true because the Quran says it's true, just like the Bible and the Book of Mormon. There is no doubt about it.

It's useful to those that "ward off evil," believe unseen things that Muhammad reveals to them, and are absolutely certain that they will survive their own death.

You know, the successful people. The Muslims.

[The Quran is] a guidance unto those who ward off evil. Who believe in the Unseen .. And who believe in that which is revealed unto thee (Muhammad) ... and are certain of the Hereafter. ... These are the successful. 2:2b-4

As for the other people, the disbelievers, Allah has already taken care of them. He has "sealed their hearing and their hearts" and put a covering on their eyes so they won't be able to believe.

As for the Disbelievers, Whether thou warn them or thou warn them not it is all one for them; they believe not. Allah hath sealed their hearing and their hearts, and on their eyes there is a covering. 2:6-7a

So if you don't believe by now, you never will. Allah has hardened your heart and blinded you to the truth. There's nothing you, or anyone else, can or should do about it.

And what happens to the disbelievers?

Theirs will be an awful doom. 2:7

You see, to Allah unbelief is like a disease. And he increases the disease. He's a spiritual anti-doctor.

In their hearts is a disease, and Allah increaseth their disease. 2:10

So if you don't believe in the unseen things that Muhammad revealed, you're pretty much out of luck. Allah has already blinded your eyes (so you won't be able to see unseen things), hardened your heart (so you'll think it's cruel for Allah to "doom" disbelievers for not believing things that he prevented them from believing), and increased your disease of unbelief. Yours will be an awful doom. Sorry about that.

Allah has made it impossible for you to believe as the foolish believe.

And when it is said unto them: believe as the people believe, they say: shall we believe as the foolish believe? are not they indeed the foolish? But they know not. 2:13

And after you die he'll torture you forever for it.

God speaks to Lehi in a dream and tells him to leave Jerusalem and go "into the wilderness."

The Lord spake unto my father, yea, even in a dream ... and ... the Lord commanded my father, even in a dream, that he should take his family and depart into the wilderness. 1 Nephi 2:1-2

So, with no further instructions, he and his family go into the wild. (Lephi's family included his wife Sariah, and four sons, Laman, Lemuel, Sam, and Nephi.)

He departed into the wilderness ...  with ... his family. 1 Nephi 2:4

Very quickly, and with no problem at all, they find themselves over 400 kilometers away, at "the shore of the Red Sea."

He came down by the borders near the shore of the Red Sea. 1 Nephi 2:5

Apparently the hike from Jerusalem to the Red Sea took only three days. I guess the family was in really good shape.

When he had traveled three days in the wilderness, he pitched his tent in a valley by the side of a river of water. 1 Nephi 1:6

Here's what Lehi's trip looked like in Google Earth.

But maybe the "three days" referred not to the length of the trip itself, but how long it took to find a good camping spot once they got there. I've had that problem before.

In any case and however long it took them to get there, when they arrived they found a continually flowing river that emptied into the Red Sea. (There aren't any permanent rivers that flow into the Red Sea, and there hasn't been for thousands of years. But God probably made one just for the occasion and then destroyed any evidence of it after Lehi and his family left. For a good time watch: Where is the River Laman?)

Lephi named the river after his slacker son, Laman, hoping it would inspire him to be more dependable, like the "continually running" river.

He called the name of the river, Laman, and it emptied into the Red Sea ... saying: O that thou mightest be like unto this river, continually running. 1 Nephi 2:8

And Lehi named the valley after his other worthless son, Lemuel, hoping it would somehow make him more "steadfast" and "immovable" like the big valley that the River Laman passed through.

And he also spake unto Lemuel: O that thou mightest be like unto this valley, firm and steadfast, and immovable in keeping the commandments of the Lord! 1 Nephi 2:10

But the magic didn't work. Laman and Lemuel were still a couple of whiny-ass, pieces of shit that were "like unto the Jews."

Now this he spake because of the stiffneckedness of Laman and Lemuel; for behold they did murmur in many things against their father.
....
They were like unto the Jews. 1 Nephi 2:11-13

Nephi wasn't like his older brothers, though. He didn't have a Jew-like bone in his body. (OK, he was a Jew, too, but he didn't act like one.) He wanted to know the mysteries of God, so he cried unto the Lord.

I, Nephi, ... having great desires to know of the mysteries of God, wherefore, I did cry unto the Lord 1 Nephi 2:16a

And, by golly, the Lord heard him and came to visit him to soften up his heart so he'd believe whatever the hell his bat-shit crazy dad said.

And behold he did visit me, and did soften my heart that I did believe all the words which had been spoken by my father; wherefore, I did not rebel against him like unto my brothers. 1 Nephi 2:16b

And the dumb-as-shit Sam went along with whatever the fuck the Holy Spirit revealed to his younger brother Nephi.

And I spake unto Sam, making known unto him the things which the Lord had manifested unto me by his Holy Spirit. And it came to pass that he believed in my words. 1 Nephi 2:17

But Laman and Lemuel wouldn't listen to Nephi because they suffered from Pharaoh's syndrome: the hardening of the heart. So Nephi asked his good friend God what to do about it.

But, behold, Laman and Lemuel would not hearken unto my words; and being grieved because of the hardness of their hearts I cried unto the Lord for them. 1 Nephi 2:18

God, who happened to be visiting at the time, told Nephi what a good boy he was, that he would live long and proper, and that God would lead him to a new land, a land that God had prepared just for him (and the Mormons) and that was better than everywhere else on earth. (Spoiler: God's talking about America here. God made the entire western hemisphere for Nephi and it's way better than anything in the Old World.)

Blessed art thou, Nephi, because of thy faith, for thou hast sought me diligently, with lowliness of heart ... Ye shall prosper, and shall be led to a land of promise; yea, even a land which I have prepared for you; yea, a land which is choice above all other lands. 1 Nephi 2:19-20

God goes on (and on) about what a great guy Nephi is and all the cool things he's going to do for him. But God hates Nephi's brothers, which he'll soon be cursing "even with a sore curse."

And inasmuch as thy brethren shall rebel against thee, they shall be cut off from the presence of the Lord ... For behold, in that day that they shall rebel against me, I will curse them even with a sore curse. 1 Nephi 2:21-23

The chapter ends with God saying something about how if Nephi's brothers continue to misbehave, he'll have to "stir them up in the ways of remembrance."

And if it so be that they rebel against me, they shall be a scourge unto thy seed, to stir them up in the ways of remembrance. 1 Nephi 2:24

I don't know what that means. God sometimes talks funny when he gets excited in the Book of Mormon (especially when he starts quoting the New Testament, 700 years before it was written).

As you may have noticed, I've been neglecting the Quran and the Book of Mormon lately. And I feel bad about that. So I've decided to blog my way through both god-awful books, revising the SAQ and SABoM as I go along. So if you see things that I've missed, misunderstood, misstated, or messed up, this is your chance to let me know.

The first book of the Book of Mormon is the First Book of Nephi. The author is a guy named Nephi who thinks quite a lot of himself. He had "goodly parents" was "highly favored of the Lord" and had "a great knowledge of the goodness and the mysteries of God."

I, Nephi, having been born of goodly parents, therefore I was taught somewhat in all the learning of my father; and having seen many afflictions in the course of my days, nevertheless, having been highly favored of the Lord in all my days; yea, having had a great knowledge of the goodness and the mysteries of God, therefore I make a record of my proceedings in my days. 1 Nephi 1:1

Nephi wrote in "the language of his father" -- Egyptian, which is a strange language for a an Israelite of 600 BCE to write in. But, then, we must get used to strange things if we are to read the Book of Mormon.

Yea, I make a record in the language of my father, which consists of the learning of the Jews and the language of the Egyptians. 1 Nephi 1:2

Nephi tells us that everything he's writing is complete bullshit.

Just kidding. It's all true because Nephi says it is. And if you can't believe a pompous, Egyptian-speaking Hebrew that supposedly lived 2600 years ago, who can you believe?

And I know that the record which I make is true; and I make it with mine own hand; and I make it according to my knowledge. 1 Nephi 1:3

Next, something comes to pass.

For it came to pass.... 1 Nephi 1:4a

This is the first of the 1297 times (that I've counted, anyway) that something comes to pass in the Book of Mormon. It's one of the things you notice as soon as you start reading the book.

Here's what Mark Twain said about it:

The author labored to give his words and phrases the quaint, old-fashioned sound and structure of our King James's translation of the Scriptures; ... Whenever he found his speech growing too modern--which was about every sentence or two--he ladled in a few such Scriptural phrases as "exceeding sore," "and it came to pass," etc., and made things satisfactory again. "And it came to pass" was his pet. If he had left that out, his Bible would have been only a pamphlet. Roughing It, Chapter 16

What came to pass, though, came to pass in the commencement (BoM-speak for beginning) of the first year of the reign of Zedekiah, king of Judah. There was a whole lot of prophesying going on.

For it came to pass in the commencement of the first year of the reign of Zedekiah, king of Judah, (my father, Lehi, having dwelt at Jerusalem in all his days); and in that same year there came many prophets, prophesying unto the people that they must repent, or the great city Jerusalem must be destroyed. 1 Nephi 1:

A couple more things come to pass and then Nephi's dad (Lehi) saw a pillar of fire on a rock that made him "quake and tremble exceedingly."

Wherefore it came to pass that my father, Lehi, as he went forth prayed unto the Lord, yea, even with all his heart, in behalf of his people. And it came to pass as he prayed unto the Lord, there came a pillar of fire and dwelt upon a rock before him; and he saw and heard much; and because of the things which he saw and heard he did quake and tremble exceedingly. 1 Nephi 1:5-6

After Lehi saw the burning pillar on a rock, "he thought he saw" God, lots of angels, Jesus, and the 12 apostles -- which is a strange sight for a Jew that lived 600 years before Jesus was born. (Though, as you'll see if you continue reading, strange sights are common in the BoM.)

And it came to pass that he returned to his own house at Jerusalem; and he cast himself upon his bed, being overcome with the Spirit and the things which he had seen. And being thus overcome with the Spirit, he was carried away in a vision, even that he saw the heavens open, and he thought he saw God sitting upon his throne, surrounded with numberless concourses of angels in the attitude of singing and praising their God. And it came to pass that he saw One descending out of the midst of heaven, and he beheld that his luster was above that of the sun at noon-day. And he also saw twelve others following him, and their brightness did exceed that of the stars in the firmament. 1 Nephi 1:7-10

Then God, Jesus, the apostles, and the host of angels came down from heaven to earth and God gave Lehi a book to read.

And they came down and went forth upon the face of the earth; and the first came and stood before my father, and gave unto him a book, and bade him that he should read. 1 Nephi 1:11

So Lehi read from the book, was filled with the Spirit of the Lord, and said stuff like, "Wo, wo, unto Jerusalem, for I have seen thine abominations!" and "Great and marvelous are thy works, O Lord God Almighty!" (Which means, I guess, that he was reading from the book of Revelation, which wouldn't be written for another 700 years of so.)

And it came to pass that as he read, he was filled with the Spirit of the Lord. And he read, saying: Wo, wo, unto Jerusalem, for I have seen thine abominations! Yea, and many things did my father read concerning Jerusalem -- that it should be destroyed, and the inhabitants thereof; many should perish by the sword, and many should be carried away captive into Babylon. And it came to pass that when my father had read and seen many great and marvelous things, he did exclaim many things unto the Lord; such as: Great and marvelous are thy works, O Lord God Almighty! Thy throne is high in the heavens, and thy power, and goodness, and mercy are over all the inhabitants of the earth, and, because thou art merciful, thou wilt not suffer those who come unto thee that they shall perish! And after this manner was the language of my father in the praising of his God; for his soul did rejoice, and his whole heart was filled, because of the things which he had seen, yea, which the Lord had shown unto him. 1 Nephi 1:12-15

Now Nephi tells us that he's not going to tell us all of the shit his dad said, wrote, and did while under the influence of the Spirit. Which is a good thing. I couldn't take much more of that.

And now I, Nephi, do not make a full account of the things which my father hath written, for he hath written many things which he saw in visions and in dreams; and he also hath written many things which he prophesied and spake unto his children, of which I shall not make a full account. 1 Nephi 1:16

He's (thankfully) going to just give us the abridged version of his father's babblings, which was probably a good idea since he was writing this stuff down on brass plates.

But I shall make an account of my proceedings in my days. Behold, I make an abridgment of the record of my father, upon plates which I have made with mine own hands; wherefore, after I have abridged the record of my father then will I make an account of mine own life. 1 Nephi 1:17

After Lehi saw the pillar of fire, God, Jesus, the apostles, and angels, and read from the book that God gave him, he went into town to tell the people about his day.

Therefore, I would that ye should know, that after the Lord had shown so many marvelous things unto my father, Lehi, yea, concerning the destruction of Jerusalem, behold he went forth among the people, and began to prophesy and to declare unto them concerning the things which he had both seen and heard. 1 Nephi 1:18

They all thought he was crazy, since they were a bunch of wicked, abominable Jews.

And it came to pass that the Jews did mock him because of the things which he testified of them; for he truly testified of their wickedness and their abominations; and he testified that the things which he saw and heard, and also the things which he read in the book, manifested plainly of the coming of the Messiah, and also the redemption of the world. And when the Jews heard these things they were angry with him; yea, even as with the prophets of old, whom they had cast out, and stoned, and slain; and they also sought his life, that they might take it away. But behold, I, Nephi, will show unto you that the tender mercies of the Lord are over all those whom he hath chosen, because of their faith, to make them mighty even unto the power of deliverance. 1 Nephi 1:19-20

And that's all that came to pass in chapter 1.

There aren't many things that God enjoys more than burning people to death.

He burned everyone in Sodom and Gomorrah with fire and brimstone, burned Aaron's sons for offering him "strange fire", burned the Israelites for complaining, burned 250 men for burning incense, and burned 102 more for asking Elijah to come down from his hill. Burning people alive is just God's way of having fun.

So no one, certainly not Bible believers, should be wonder about global warming. It's not the CO₂; it's God.

And he's just getting started.

Here's what God has planned for the earth.

Howl ye; for the day of the LORD is at hand ... every man's heart shall melt ... their faces shall be as flames. Isaiah 13:6-8

The land shall be utterly emptied, and utterly spoiled: for the LORD hath spoken this word ... Therefore hath the curse devoured the earth ... the inhabitants of the earth are burned, and few men left. Isaiah 24:3-6

The people shall be as the burnings of lime ... they be burned in the fire. Isaiah 33:12

For it is the day of the LORD's vengeance ... And the streams thereof shall be turned into pitch, and the dust thereof into brimstone, and the land thereof shall become burning pitch. It shall not be quenched night nor day; the smoke thereof shall go up for ever: from generation to generation it shall lie waste; none shall pass through it for ever and ever. Isaiah 34:8-10

Thus saith the Lord GOD; Behold, I will kindle a fire ... and it shall devour every green tree ... and every dry tree: the flaming flame shall not be quenched, and all faces from the south to the north shall be burned therein. And all flesh shall see that I the LORD have kindled it. Ezekiel 20:47-48

The day of the LORD cometh, for it is nigh at hand ... A fire devoureth before them; and behind them a flame burneth ... yea, and nothing shall escape them. Joel 2:1-3

For, behold, the day cometh, that shall burn as an oven ... and the day that cometh shall burn them up. Malachi 4:1

The day of the Lord will come ... and the elements shall melt with fervent heat, the earth also and the works that are therein shall be burned up. 2 Peter 3:10

And the fourth angel poured out his vial upon the sun; and power was given unto him to scorch men with fire. And men were scorched with great heat, and blasphemed the name of God, which hath power over these plagues: and they repented not to give him glory. Revelation 16:8-9

And no damned scientists ("astrologers, stargazers, and prognosticators" is about as close to "scientists" as the Bible ever gets) will be able to stop God's plan to use global warming to burn everyone to death.

Let now the astrologers, the stargazers, the monthly prognosticators, stand up, and save thee from these things that shall come upon thee ... the fire shall burn them; they shall not deliver themselves from the power of the flame. Isaiah 47:13-14

So now you know why all true Bible believers fight against the science of global warming. Global warming is caused by God; it's God's plan to burn us all to death, just like it says in the Bible.

Don't let science rob God of his glory!

I titled my list of God's killings "Drunk with Blood" for a reason. I think the phrase describes the God of the Bible perfectly.

It's also one of God's favorite expressions. The phrase "drunk with blood" (or variants of it) is used five times in the Bible.

1. God first uses it to describe himself: his arrows are drunk with blood.

   I will make mine arrows drunk with blood, and my sword shall devour flesh. Deuteronomy 32.42

   Now I know that God doesn’t mean this literally. God’s arrows don’t have mouths; they don’t drink blood and they’ve never been drunk on anything. His sword doesn’t eat flesh either. God is being metaphorical here.

   Still, God is trying to make a point. He’s saying that he kills people. Lots and lots of people. 2,476,633 if you don't try to estimate the number, 24,644,205 if you do.

2. The next use of "drunk with blood" is similar. God’s sword is drunk with blood, too, just like his arrows.

   This is the day of the Lord GOD of hosts, a day of vengeance, that he may avenge him of his adversaries: and the sword shall devour, and it shall be satiate and made drunk with their blood. Jeremiah 46.10

   But God’s sword is not just drunk with blood, it's also filled and bathed with blood in heaven. (Who knew God would have a bloody sword in heaven?)

   My sword shall be bathed in heaven. Isaiah 34.5

   The sword of the LORD is filled with blood. Isaiah 34.6

   And he's dying to use it on pretty much everyone on earth.

   By his sword will the LORD plead with all flesh: and the slain of the LORD shall be many. Isaiah 66.16

   The sword of the LORD shall devour from the one end of the land even to the other end of the land: no flesh shall have peace. Jeremiah 12.12

   I … will draw forth my sword out of his sheath, and will cut off from thee the righteous and the wicked. Ezekiel 21.3

   My sword go forth out of his sheath against all flesh. Ezekiel 21.4

   I will bring a sword upon thee, and cut off man and beast out of thee. Ezekiel 29.8

   I shall brandish my sword before them; and they shall tremble at every moment, every man for his own life. Ezekiel 32.10

   Your young men have I slain with the sword … and I have made the stink of your camps to come up unto your nostrils. Amos 4.10

   I [Jesus] will … fight against them with the sword of my mouth. Revelation 2.16

   Another horse that was red: and power was given to him that sat thereon to take peace from the earth, and that they should kill one another: and there was given unto him a great sword. Revelation 6.4

   God is as strong as a unicorn. (Heck, I bet he's even stronger than a unicorn.) He’ll break your bones and pierce your body with arrows.

   God ... hath ... the strength of an unicorn: he shall eat up the nations his enemies, and shall break their bones, and pierce them through with his arrows. Numbers 24.8

   I will spend mine arrows upon them. Deuteronomy 32.23

   God is angry with people every day. His sword is wet and his bow is bent. He has prepared all the instruments of death.

   God is angry with the wicked every day … he will whet his sword; he hath bent his bow, and made it ready. He hath also prepared for him the instruments of death. Psalm 7.11-13

   Even his clothes are sprinkled with the blood of his victims. (I don’t know whether his clothes are really dripping with blood in heaven. I don’t even know if he wears clothes. I’m just telling you what the Bible says.)

   I will tread them in mine anger, and trample them in my fury; and their blood shall be sprinkled upon my garments, and I will stain all my raiment. Isaiah 63.3

3. But God’s sword and arrows won’t be the only things drunk with blood. God also plans to force people (before he kills them) to eat their own flesh and get drunk on their own blood.

   I will feed them that oppress thee with their own flesh; and they shall be drunken with their own blood, as with sweet wine. Isaiah 49.26

   I’m not sure how much of this is metaphor. God often talks about forcing people to eat other people. That part, at least, is literal. Here are a few examples.

   Forcing people to eat themselves.

   And he shall snatch on the right hand, and be hungry; and he shall eat on the left hand, and they shall not be satisfied: they shall eat every man the flesh of his own arm. Isaiah 9.20

   Forcing parents to eat their children and friends to eat each other.

   Ye shall eat the flesh of your sons, and the flesh of your daughters shall ye eat. Leviticus 26.29

   Thou shalt eat the fruit of thine own body, the flesh of thy sons and of thy daughters. Deuteronomy 28.53

   The tender and delicate woman among you, which would not adventure to set the sole of her foot upon the ground for delicateness and tenderness, her eye shall be evil toward the husband of her bosom, and toward her son, and toward her daughter, And toward her young one that cometh out from between her feet, and toward her children which she shall bear: for she shall eat them. Deuteronomy 28.56-57

   I will cause them to eat the flesh of their sons and the flesh of their daughters, and they shall eat every one the flesh of his friend. Jeremiah 19.9 The hands of the pitiful women have sodden their own children: they were their meat. Lamentations 4.10

   The fathers shall eat the sons in the midst of thee, and the sons shall eat their fathers. Ezekiel 5.10

   Let the rest eat every one the flesh of another. Zechariah 11.9

   So while it is true that part of God’s plan for humanity is forcing people to eat each other, he was probably just getting carried away with his own metaphor when he said they’d get drunk on their own blood.

   Oh, one more thing that believers should know. God wants them to keep their swords bloody, too. He’ll curse (and probably kill) anyone whose sword isn’t dripping with blood.

   Cursed be he that doeth the work of the LORD deceitfully, and cursed be he that keepeth back his sword from blood. Jeremiah 48.10

   Every man's sword shall be against his brother. Ezekiel 38.21

4. After God kills people, he will feed their bodies to the birds and beasts until they, too, become drunk with blood.

   Thus saith the Lord GOD; Speak unto every feathered fowl, and to every beast of the field, Assemble yourselves, and come; gather yourselves on every side to my sacrifice that I do sacrifice for you, even a great sacrifice upon the mountains of Israel, that ye may eat flesh, and drink blood. Ye shall eat the flesh of the mighty, and drink the blood of the princes of the earth … And ye shall eat fat till ye be full, and drink blood till ye be drunken, of my sacrifice which I have sacrificed for you. Ezekiel 39.17-19

   God talks a lot about feeding dead people to birds and animals. Here are some examples.

   Thy carcase shall be meat unto all fowls of the air, and unto the beasts of the earth, and no man shall fray them away. Deuteronomy 28.26

   The carcases of this people shall be meat for the fowls of the heaven, and for the beasts of the earth; and none shall fray them away. Jeremiah 7.33

   Come ye, assemble all the beasts of the field, come to devour. Jeremiah 12.9

   Their carcases shall be meat for the fowls of heaven, and for the beasts of the earth. Jeremiah 16.4

   Their carcases will I give to be meat for the fowls of the heaven, and for the beasts of the earth. Jeremiah 19.7

   Their dead bodies shall be for meat unto the fowls of the heaven, and to the beasts of the earth. Jeremiah 34.20

   I have given thee for meat to the beasts of the field and to the fowls of the heaven. Ezekiel 29.5

   I will cast thee forth upon the open field, and will cause all the fowls of the heaven to remain upon thee, and I will fill the beasts of the whole earth with thee. Ezekiel 32.4

   I will give thee unto the ravenous birds of every sort, and to the beasts of the field to be devoured. Ezekiel 39.4

   Thou hast given them blood to drink; for they are worthy. Revelation 16.6

   Come and gather yourselves together unto the supper of the great God. … And all the fowls were filled with their flesh. Revelation 19.17-21

   Someday believers will get into the act, too. Heck, they’re even going to get to drink the blood of God’s victims after they wash their feet in it.

   The righteous shall rejoice when he seeth the vengeance: he shall wash his feet in the blood of the wicked. Psalm 58.10

   God shall wound the head of his enemies … that thy foot may be dipped in the blood of thine enemies, and the tongue of thy dogs in the same. Psalm 68.21-23

   The people shall rise up as a great lion, and lift up himself as a young lion: he shall not lie down until he eat of the prey, and drink the blood of the slain. Numbers 23.24

   And believers must drink the blood of Jesus if they want to get to heaven.

   Except ye eat the flesh of the Son of man, and drink his blood, ye have no life in you. Whoso eateth my flesh, and drinketh my blood, hath eternal life; and I will raise him up at the last day. John 6:53-54

5. And finally, the great whore of Babylon will be drunk with the blood of the saints and martyrs.

   I saw the woman drunken with the blood of the saints, and with the blood of the martyrs of Jesus: and when I saw her, I wondered with great admiration. Revelation 17.6

Here's a fun project for you. Try to figure out why this passage is highlighted in The Green Bible.

Then the LORD sent poisonous serpents among the people, and they bit the people, so that many Israelites died. The people came to Moses and said, "We have sinned by speaking against the LORD and against you; pray to the LORD to take away the serpents from us." So Moses prayed for the people. Numbers 21: 6-7

Okay, I don't know how that's possible. How can a sword be filled with blood?

But maybe it's just a metaphor. Maybe God doesn't even have a sword, and non-existent swords are rarely filled with blood. To find out, let's look at the context. Context, believers like to say, covers a multitude of sins.

The title quote comes from Isaiah, chapter 34. Let's start from verse 1.

Come near, ye nations, to hear; and hearken, ye people: let the earth hear, and all that is therein; the world, and all things that come forth of it. Isaiah 34:1

So God is speaking here to the whole world about important stuff, things that really matter. "Let the earth hear, and all that is therein."

In the next verse, God starts to deliver his message. He is angry at all nations and all people. He has delivered them all to be slaughtered.

For the indignation of the LORD is upon all nations, and his fury upon all their armies: he hath utterly destroyed them, he hath delivered them to the slaughter. Isaiah 34:2

Now God gets into the gory details. He is going to kill so many people that land will stink from the rotting bodies and the mountains will be melted from all the blood.

Their slain also shall be cast out, and their stink shall come up out of their carcases, and the mountains shall be melted with their blood. Isaiah 34:3

Next we're told that the stars will fall from the sky like figs from a fig tree.

And all the host of heaven shall be dissolved, and the heavens shall be rolled together as a scroll: and all their host shall fall down, as the leaf falleth off from the vine, and as a falling fig from the fig tree. Isaiah 34:4

Verse five tells us this interesting fact: God's sword is bathed in heaven.

For my sword shall be bathed in heaven: behold, it shall come down upon Idumea, and upon the people of my curse, to judgment. Isaiah 34:5

So we know that God has a sword in heaven and that is is bathed in something. Context tells us what that something is. It's blood.

God has a bloody sword in heaven. He carries it around with him all the time.

But the second part of verse 5 is a bit confusing. God's bloody sword is going to come down on Idumea and upon people that he curses.

Luckily I've got my Quest Study Bible (QSB) with me. It explains everything.

Who was Edom? (34:5)
Although this was a specific nation, here it symbolizes all the enemies of God and his people. Quest Study Bible, p. 1027

(The NIV has "Edom" for "Idumea" in the KJV.)

So, as the QSB explains, God's bloody sword is going to come down from heaven on God and Sarah Palin's enemies.

Now, let's go on to verse 6, which includes the title quote for this post.

The sword of the LORD is filled with blood, it is made fat with fatness, and with the blood of lambs and goats, with the fat of the kidneys of rams: for the LORD hath a sacrifice in Bozrah, and a great slaughter in the land of Idumea. Isaiah 34:6

"The sword of the Lord is filled with blood, it is made fat with fatness." It has blood from the kidney fat of lambs, goats, rams, and humans.

Then God tells us about unicorns. The land of the unicorns will be soaked with blood and fat. I guess it's good to know that.

And the unicorns shall come down with them, and the bullocks with the bulls; and their land shall be soaked with blood, and their dust made fat with fatness. Isaiah 34:7

So there you have it. God has a blood-filled sword in heaven that he uses to kill animals and people. The ground will stink with dead bodies, the mountains will melt with blood, all the stars will fall from the sky, and the land of the unicorns will be soaked in blood and fat.

Or it could all just be a metaphor that means God is love, or something like that.

Yeah, that's probably it.