After Christ shall have risen from the dead he shall show himself unto you, my children.

Many generations shall pass away, and there shall be great wars and contentions among my people.

And after the Messiah shall come there shall be signs given unto my people of his birth, and also of his death and resurrection; and great and terrible shall that day be unto the wicked, for they shall perish; and they perish because they cast out the prophets, and the saints, and stone them, and slay them.

All those who are proud, and that do wickedly, the day that cometh shall burn them up, saith the Lord of Hosts.

They that kill the prophets, and the saints, the depths of the earth shall swallow them up, saith the Lord of Hosts; and mountains shall cover them, and whirlwinds shall carry them away, and buildings shall fall upon them and crush them to pieces and grind them to powder.

And they shall be visited with thunderings, and lightnings, and earthquakes, and all manner of destructions, for the fire of the anger of the Lord shall be kindled against them, and they shall be as stubble, and the day that cometh shall consume them, saith the Lord of Hosts. 2 Nephi 26:1-6

But the Son of righteousness shall appear unto them; and he shall heal them, and they shall have peace with him, until three generations shall have passed away, and many of the fourth generation shall have passed away in righteousness.

And when these things have passed away a speedy destruction cometh unto my people ... they shall reap destruction; for because they yield unto the devil ... therefore they must go down to hell. 2 Nephi 26:9-10 

It must needs be that the Gentiles be convinced also that Jesus is the Christ, the Eternal God. 2 Nephi 26:12

I prophesy unto you concerning the last days.

After my seed ... shall have dwindled in unbelief, and shall have been smitten by the Gentiles; yea, after the Lord God shall have camped against them round about ... all those who have dwindled in unbelief shall not be forgotten. 2 Nephi 26:14-15

For thus saith the Lord God: They shall write the things which shall be done among them, and they shall be written and sealed up in a book, and those who have dwindled in unbelief shall not have them, for they seek to destroy the things of God. 2 Nephi 26:17

And it shall come to pass, that those who have dwindled in unbelief shall be smitten by the hand of the Gentiles. 2 Nephi 26:19

The Gentiles ... stumbled, because of the greatness of their stumbling block, that they have built up many churches ... which cause envyings, and strifes, and malice.

And there are also secret combinations ... according to the combinations of the devil, for he is the founder of all these things. 2 Nephi 26:20-22

The Lord God hath given a commandment that all men should have charity, which charity is love, and except they should have charity they were nothing. 

But the laborer in Zion shall labor for Zion; for if they labor for money they shall perish.

For ... the Lord ... denieth none that come unto him, black and white, bond and free, male and female; and he remembereth the heathen; and all are alike unto God, both Jew and Gentile. 2 Nephi 26:30-33

Plead with your mother, plead: ... let her ... put away her whoredoms ... and her adulteries from between her breasts;  Lest I strip her naked ... and slay her with thirst.  

And I will not have mercy upon her children; for they be the children of whoredoms. ...For their mother hath played the harlot.

Now will I discover her lewdness in the sight of her lovers, and none shall deliver her out of mine hand. Hosea 2:2-10

Give them, O LORD: what wilt thou give? give them a miscarrying womb and dry breasts. ... I will love them no more.  ... Yea, though they bring forth, yet will I slay even the beloved fruit of their womb. Hosea 9:14-16

 Their infants shall be dashed in pieces, and their women with child shall be ripped up. Hosea 13:16

The tender and delicate woman among you ... her eye shall be evil ... toward her son, and toward her daughter, And toward her young one that cometh out from between her feet, and toward her children which she shall bear: for she shall eat them. Deuteronomy 28:56-57

I am come to set ... the daughter against her mother. ... He that loveth ... mother more than me is not worthy of me.  Matthew 10:35-37

Blessed is the womb that bare thee, and the paps which thou hast sucked. But he said, Yea rather, blessed are they that hear the word of God, and keep it.  Luke 11:27-28 

If any man come to me, and hate not his ... mother ... he cannot be my disciple. Luke 14:26 

Behold, thy mother ... seek(s) for thee. And he answered them, saying, Who is my mother? Mark 3:32-33

Woman, what have I to do with thee? (Jesus talking to his mother)   John 2:4

Now I, Nephi, do speak somewhat concerning the words which I have written, which have been spoken by the mouth of Isaiah. 2 Nephi 25:1

The Jews ... works were works of darkness, and their doings were doings of abominations. 2 Nephi 25:2

The words of Isaiah are not plain unto you, nevertheless they are plain unto all those that are filled with the spirit of prophecy ... My soul delighteth in plainness unto my people. 2 Nephi 25:4

My soul delighteth in the words of Isaiah. 2 Nephi 25:5a

The Jews do understand the things of the prophets, and there is none other people that understand the things which were spoken unto the Jews like unto them, save it be that they are taught after the manner of the things of the Jews. 2 Nephi 25:5b

 But behold, I, Nephi ... have dwelt at Jerusalem, wherefore I know concerning the regions round about. 2 Nephi 25:6

Behold, I proceed with mine own prophecy, according to my plainness. 2 Nephi 25:7

As one generation hath been destroyed among the Jews because of iniquity, even so have they been destroyed from generation to generation according to their iniquities. 2 Nephi 25:9

The Father of heaven and of earth, shall manifest himself unto them in the flesh, behold, they will reject him, because of their iniquities, and the hardness of their hearts, and the stiffness of their necks ... They will crucify him. 2 Nephi 25:12-13

 Wo unto them that fight against God and the people of his church. 2 Nephi 25:14

Wherefore, the Jews shall be scattered among all nations. ... After they have been scattered, and the Lord God hath scourged them by other nations for ... many generations ... they shall be persuaded to believe in Christ. 2 Nephi 25:15-16

The Lord ... will proceed to do a marvelous work and a wonder. 2 Nephi 25:17

That the promise may be fulfilled unto Joseph [Smith], that his seed should never perish as long as the earth should stand." 2 Nephi 25:21

According to the words of the prophets, the Messiah cometh in six hundred years from the time that my father left Jerusalem ... his name shall be Jesus Christ, the Son of God. 2 Nephi 25:19

I have spoken plainly that ... the Lord God ... gave unto Moses power that he should heal the nations after they had been bitten by the poisonous serpents, if they would cast their eyes unto the serpent which he did raise up before them, and also gave him power that he should smite the rock and the water should come forth. 2 Nephi 25:20

There is none other name given under heaven save it be this Jesus Christ, of which I have spoken, whereby man can be saved. 2 Nephi 25:20

We labor diligently to write, to persuade our children, and also our brethren, to believe in Christ. 2 Nephi 25:23

We believe in Christ. 2 Nephi 25:24a 

Look forward with steadfastness unto Christ. 2 Nephi 25:24b 

We are made alive in Christ because of our faith. 2 Nephi 25:25a

We talk of Christ.  2 Nephi 25:26b

We rejoice in Christ.  2 Nephi 25:26c

We preach of Christ.  2 Nephi 25:26d

We prophesy of Christ. 2 Nephi 25:26e

You can't cherry pick the worst aspects of a religion and then hold every member of that religion solely responsible for it. 

Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination. Leviticus 18:22

If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them. Leviticus 20:13 

The law is not made for a righteous man, but for the lawless and disobedient, for the ungodly and for sinners, for unholy and profane, for murderers of fathers and murderers of mothers, for manslayers, For whoremongers, for them that defile themselves with mankind.... 1 Timothy 1:9-10

 In the last days ... men will be ... without natural affection. 2 Timothy 3:1-3

 For this cause God gave them up unto vile affections: for even their women did change the natural use into that which is against nature:  And likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another ... God gave them over to a reprobate mind ... they which commit such things are worthy of death. Romans 1:26-32

And all that have not fins and scales in the seas ... shall be an abomination unto you: ... Whatsoever hath no fins nor scales in the waters, that shall be an abomination unto you. Leviticus 11:10-11

Of the children of the strangers that do sojourn among you, of them shall ye buy, and of their families that are with you ... they shall be your possession. And ye shall take them as an inheritance for your children after you, to inherit them for a possession; they shall be your bondmen for ever.  Leviticus 25:44-46

If a man smite his servant, or his maid, with a rod, and ... he continue a day or two, he shall not be punished: for he is his money. Exodus 21:20-21

Servants [slaves], be subject to your masters with all fear; not only to the good and gentle, but also to the froward. 1 Peter 2:18

(See here for more bullshit from the Bible on slavery.)

These shall ye not eat ... swine ... it is unclean unto you. Deuteronomy 14:7-8

It is good neither to eat flesh, nor to drink wine, nor any thing whereby thy brother stumbleth, or is offended, or is made weak. Romans 14:21

And thou shalt eat it as barley cakes, and thou shalt bake it with dung that cometh out of man. Ezekiel 4:12

Thou shalt not plow with an ox and an ass together.  Deuteronomy 22:10

If a woman have an issue, and her issue in her flesh be blood, she shall be put apart seven days: and whosoever toucheth her shall be unclean until the even. And every thing that she lieth upon in her separation shall be unclean: every thing also that she sitteth upon shall be unclean. And whosoever toucheth her bed shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the even. And whosoever toucheth any thing that she sat upon shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the even. And if it be on her bed, or on any thing whereon she sitteth, when he toucheth it, he shall be unclean until the even. And if any man lie with her at all, and her flowers be upon him, he shall be unclean seven days; and all the bed whereon he lieth shall be unclean. And if a woman have an issue of her blood many days out of the time of her separation, or if it run beyond the time of her separation; all the days of the issue of her uncleanness shall be as the days of her separation: she shall be unclean. Every bed whereon she lieth all the days of her issue shall be unto her as the bed of her separation: and whatsoever she sitteth upon shall be unclean, as the uncleanness of her separation. And whosoever toucheth those things shall be unclean, and shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the even. But if she be cleansed of her issue, then she shall number to herself seven days, and after that she shall be clean. And on the eighth day she shall take unto her two turtles, or two young pigeons, and bring them unto the priest, to the door of the tabernacle of the congregation. And the priest shall offer the one for a sin offering, and the other for a burnt offering; and the priest shall make an atonement for her before the LORD for the issue of her uncleanness. Leviticus 15:19-30

If a man be just, and do that which is lawful and right, and hath not ... come near to a menstruous woman..... Ezekiel 18:5-6

If a man find a damsel that is a virgin, which is not betrothed, and lay hold on her, and lie with her, and they be found; Then the man that lay with her shall give unto the damsel's father fifty shekels of silver, and she shall be his wife. Deuteronomy 22:28-29

Then shall the kingdom of heaven be likened unto ten virgins, which took their lamps, and went forth to meet the bridegroom. Matthew 25:1

And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother's wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother. And the thing which he did displeased the LORD: wherefore he slew him also. Genesis 38:9-10

If any man's seed of copulation go out from him, then he shall ... be unclean. Leviticus 15:16

Whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart. And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell. And if thy right hand offend thee, cut it off, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell. Matthew 5:28-30

Philemon: This short letter was written by Paul to his slave-owner friend and fellow believer, Philemon. Paul was writing about Onesimus, who he had recently converted, and who happened to also be a runaway slave belonging to Philemon. Since Paul was in a position of authority among believers, this would have been a great opportunity for him (and God) to condemn slavery -- if he (and God) had anything against it, that is. But apparently he didn't. Instead he returned the slave to his owner without so much as a word against the institution of slavery. 

(Note: Philemon isn't quite "the shortest book in the New Testament" -- 2 and 3 John are a bit shorter.) 

If any man take a wife, and go in unto her, and hate her ... And say, I took this woman, and when I came to her, I found her not a maid: Then shall the father of the damsel, and her mother, take and bring forth the tokens of the damsel's virginity unto the elders of the city in the gate: And ... say ... these are the tokens of my daughter's virginity. ... But if ... the tokens of virginity be not found for the damsel, then they shall bring out the damsel to the door of her father's house, and the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she die. Deuteronomy 22:13-17

When men strive together one with another, and the wife of the one draweth near for to deliver her husband out of the hand of him that smiteth him, and putteth forth her hand, and taketh him by the secrets: Then thou shalt cut off her hand, thine eye shall not pity her.

Marvelous is a word you don't often hear when it comes to describing a budget. It's a word that you don't often hear generally.

And the Lord will set his hand again the second time to restore his people from their lost and fallen state. Wherefore, he will proceed to do a marvelous work and a wonder among the children of men. 2 Nephi 25:17

Therefore, I will proceed to do a marvelous work among this people, yea, a marvelous work and a wonder, for the wisdom of their wise and learned shall perish, and the understanding of their prudent shall be hid.2 Nephi 27:26

And it came to pass that I looked and beheld the great city of Jerusalem, and also other cities. And I beheld the city of Nazareth; and in the city of Nazareth I beheld a virgin, and she was exceedingly fair and white. 1 Nephi 11:13

It came to pass that Jesus blessed them as they did pray unto him; and his countenance did smile upon them, and the light of his countenance did shine upon them, and behold they were as white as the countenance and also the garments of Jesus; and behold the whiteness thereof did exceed all the whiteness, yea, even there could be nothing upon earth so white as the whiteness thereof. 3 Nephi 19:25

And when Jesus had spoken these words he came again unto his disciples; and behold they did pray steadfastly, without ceasing, unto him; and he did smile upon them again; and behold they were white, even as Jesus.  3 Nephi 19:30

It came to pass that the people of Nephi did wax strong, and did multiply exceedingly fast, and became an exceedingly fair and delightsome people. 4 Nephi 10

 And I beheld the Spirit of the Lord, that it was upon the Gentiles, and they did prosper and obtain the land for their inheritance; and I beheld that they were white, and exceedingly fair and beautiful, like unto my people before they were slain. 1 Nephi 13:15

This people ... shall become a dark, a filthy, and a loathsome people ... because of their unbelief and idolatry. ... They were once a delightsome people ... But now, behold, they are led about by Satan. Mormon 5:15-18

And then shall they rejoice; for they shall know that it is a blessing unto them from the hand of God; and their scales of darkness shall begin to fall from their eyes; and many generations shall not pass away among them, save they shall be a pure and delightsome people. 2 Nephi 30:6

It came to pass that those Lamanites who had united with the Nephites were numbered among the Nephites; And their curse was taken from them, and their skin became white like unto the Nephites; And their young men and their daughters became exceedingly fair, and they were numbered among the Nephites. 3 Nephi 2:14

O then ye unbelieving, turn ye unto the Lord; cry mightily unto the Father in the name of Jesus, that perhaps ye may be found spotless, pure, fair, and white. Mormon 9:6

Therefore thus says the Lord God: My anger and my wrath shall be poured out on this place, on human beings and animals, on the trees of the field and the fruit of the ground; it will burn and not be quenched. Jeremiah 7:20, The Green Bible

All liars, and whosoever loveth and maketh a lie, and the whoremonger and the sorcerer, shall have their part in that lake which burneth with fire and brimstone which is the second death. Doctrine and Covenants 63:17

Wo unto the liar for he shall be thrust down to hell. 2 Nephi 9:34

GOD WAS ONCE A MORTAL MAN

(1-2) He Lived on an Earth Like Our Own

"God himself was once as we are now, and is an exalted man, and sits enthroned in yonder heavens!" Joseph Smith, Teachings, p. 345 

(1-3) He Experienced Conditions Similar to Our Own and Advanced Step by Step

GOD IS NOW AN EXALTED MAN WITH POWERS OF ETERNAL INCREASE

(1-4) Our Father in Heaven Lives in an Exalted Marriage Relationship

(1-5) We are Literal Children of God, Part of His Family Unit

And now it came to pass [things often come to pass in the Book of Mormon] that Zeniff [don't you just love Book of Mormon names?] conferred the kingdom upon Noah, one of his sons; therefore Noah began to reign in his stead; and he did not walk in the ways of his father. For behold, he did not keep the commandments of God, but he did walk after the desires of his own heart. And he had many wives and concubines. And he did cause his people to commit sin, and do that which was abominable in the sight of the Lord. Yea, and they did commit whoredoms and all manner of wickedness. And he laid a tax of one fifth part of all they possessed, a fifth part of their gold and of their silver, and a fifth part of their ziff, and of their copper, and of their brass and their iron; and a fifth part of their fatlings; and also a fifth part of all their grain. Mosiah 11:1-3

He seeing this before spake of the resurrection of Christ, that his soul was not left in hell, neither his flesh did see corruption. Acts 2:31

God ... said, Take now thy son, thine only son Isaac, whom thou lovest, and .. and offer him there for a burnt offering. (Genesis 22:1)

Because thou hast done this thing, and hast not withheld thy son, thine only son ... I will bless thee ... And in thy seed shall all the nations of the earth be blessed; because thou hast obeyed my voice. Genesis 22:16

When (his son) was old enough to walk with him, (Abraham) said: O my dear son, I have seen in a dream that I must sacrifice thee. So look, what thinkest thou ? He said: O my father! Do that which thou art commanded. Allah willing, thou shalt find me of the steadfast. Quran 37:102

We are now all Catholics. Those of us who are people of faith recognize this is — an attack on one religion is an attack on all religion.

I beheld this great and abominable church; and I saw the devil that he was the founder of it. 1 Nephi 13:6

A great and abominable church, which is most abominable above all other churches; for behold, they have taken away from the gospel of the Lamb many parts which are plain and most precious; and also many covenants of the Lord have they taken away. And all this have they done that they might pervert the right ways of the Lord, that they might blind the eyes and harden the hearts of the children of men. 1 Nephi 13:26-27

After the book hath gone forth through the hands of the great and abominable church, that there are many plain and precious things taken away from the book. 1 Nephi 13:28

The plain and most precious parts of the gospel of the Lamb which have been kept back by that abominable church. 1 Nephi 13:32

That great and abominable church, which was founded by the devil and his children, that he might lead away the souls of men down to hell. 1 Nephi 14:3

That great and abominable church, which is the mother of abominations, whose founder is the devil. 1 Nephi 14:9

The wrath of God was poured out upon that great and abominable church. 1 Nephi 14:15

The wrath of God is poured out upon the mother of harlots, which is the great and abominable church of all the earth, whose founder is the devil. 1 Nephi 14:17

And the blood of that great and abominable church, which is the whore of all the earth, shall turn upon their own heads; for they shall war among themselves, and the sword of their own hands shall fall upon their own heads, and they shall be drunken with their own blood. 1 Nephi 22:13

That great whore, who hath perverted the right ways of the Lord, yea, that great and abominable church, shall tumble to the dust and great shall be the fall of it. 1 Nephi 22:14

They shall repent and fight not against Zion, and do not unite themselves to that great and abominable church, they shall be saved. 2 Nephi 6:12

Dawkins: What first led to those doubts? 

Aus: What really first started it was actually paying attention to the Bible. 

Dawkins: I'm not surprised. 

Aus: Yeah, it seems silly that you work with the Lectionary week in and week out, teach Bible studies, and you start to see the inconsistencies, the fabrications, and the fascinating thing about this to me is that you don't have to be a Bible scholar to see this stuff. 

Dawkins: It's not just the fabrications, it's the sheer unpleasantness. 

Aus: Unpleasantness. It's brutal. The genocides, the slaughters, the oppression of women, the support for slavery, it goes on and on. There are a few gems of wisdom in the Bible, but you have to dig to find them.

Dawkins: Of course, we can always say that that was then and we've moved on.  But, of course, we have moved on, and that's the point, istn't it? 

Aus: Yes, exactly! 

Could 2012 be the end of the world as we know it?

The word homosexual does not appear in the Bible, but the concept is clearly expressed by Moses in Leviticus 20:13, it says, "If a man lies with another man as he lies with a woman, both of them have committed abomination. They shall surely be put to death." That's God's point of view.

I gladly tell you that I am a born again, Bible-believing Christian and I am not ashamed of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. And I am thrilled out of my ever-loving mind that when the trumpet of God sounds, I'm out of here before the Antichrist shows up with hell incorporated.

I'm going to fly through the chapters of the book of Revelation like a speeding bullet. In the Book of Revelation there are seven seals, seven trumpets, and seven vials. Twenty-one monstrous ecological things that happen to literally devastate the planet Earth.

One-third of the vegetation of the Earth is burned up (Revelation 8:7).

The gates of hell are opened and hordes of locusts, the Bible says, the size of a horse will come up out of the bottomless pit and sting men like a scorpion. (Rev 9:2-6) The pain will last for five months. And men will beg God to let them die. But they cannot find death, the Bible says that.

A world war so bloody that the blood of those killed in battle will flow for 200 miles to the bridles of a horse. (Rev 14:20)

Every person on earth who has taken the mark of the beast in his right hand or forehead will be covered from head to feet with running boils. (Rev 16:2)

The seven seas of the earth will turn to blood. (Rev 16:3-4)

Now you have the Bible describe a world-wide earthquake so monstrous that the mountains of the world are leveled, and that the islands of the sea disappear. (Rev 16:18-20)

The sun will scorch the Earth with fire, and mighty men, the Bible says, and kings and men of war will gnaw their tongues in pain and they will crawl into the mountains, and the book of Revelation says they will cry to the mountains, "Fall on us and kill us, to hide us from the wrath of the lamb that's on the throne." (Rev 16:8-11)

I ask you, read Revelation 9:15, it's the sixth trumpet. There are four angels released by God himself to destroy one-third of mankind in one day. The Bible says there is a year, a month, a day, and an hour that God picked out from Genesis 1. One-third of mankind on that day, by the will and hand of God, will be destroyed.

You say, I have a hard time believing that. May I refer you to Noah's Flood? Believe it.

In America we have something over 300 million people. That means 100 million people in 24 hours, gone. I believe that God will require a life for every child killed in abortion clinics in America. I believe that's where the tally is going to be set.

So why is it coming now? ... I listened to my father and grandfather sit and discuss the fact that the whole world would see the two witnesses killed on the streets of Jerusalem in one hour. (Revelation 11:3-12) They thought there was something in the text that was absolutely false because it was not believable. There was no television at that point in time. Television was born, but we still didn't get it. Then satellite television came in and ding, ding, ding, ding, ding -- we got it. This is how Elijah and Enoch are going to be seen in the city of Jerusalem, when the Antichrist is going to be permitted to kill them. They're going to line in the streets of Jerusalem and the world is going to see them at one time over internet television. The world is going to be so happy that there dead. Remember there's nothing on earth at this time but devil-worshiping, Antichrist-following people. They hate these two men of God. The world is going to be so thrilled their dead, thy're going to give gifts to each other like it's Christmas when they die. But three and a half days later they're going to stand to their feet ... and be lifted from the ground, back into the presence of God. And the whole world will watch them --- woooooweee! ... That couldn't happen before satellite television.

And there was another section of verses that my parents couldn't understand, where God said that this is a plague that I will send to those that fight against Israel. That I will cause the flesh to fall from their bones before their body can hit the ground, and their eyes shall  melt in their sockets and their tongue in their mouth. (Zechariah 14:12) There was no way we could understand that. And then came atomic warfare and nuclear warfare.

And then there's the birth of Israel. ... Every major prophecy in the Old Testament said there would be a day that God would bring Israel back home. ... That happened May the 15, 1948.

There are about twelve of those prophetic signs I don't have time to give you, but you don't have to be a rocket scientist or a theologian to understand what I've just said. That's all in the Bible.

One of the dirty little secrets of Christianity is hardly anyone ever reads the Bible, and I think if they did, the whole thing would be in big trouble.

While the earth remaineth, seedtime and harvest, and cold and heat, and summer and winter, and day and night shall not cease. Genesis 8:22

And the man that committeth adultery with another man's wife, even he that committeth adultery with his neighbour's wife, the adulterer and the adulteress shall surely be put to death. Leviticus 20.10

The Jew brought to the Prophet a man and a woman from amongst them who have committed (adultery) illegal sexual intercourse. He ordered both of them to be stoned (to death), near the place of offering the funeral prayers beside the mosque. Hadith Sahih Muslim

If thy brother ... or thy son, or thy daughter, or the wife of thy bosom, or thy friend, which is as thine own soul, entice thee secretly, saying, Let us go and serve other gods ... Thou shalt not consent unto him ... neither shall thine eye pity him ... But thou shalt surely kill him; thine hand shall be first upon him to put him to death, and afterwards the hand of all the people. Deuteronomy 13.6-10

"Whoever changed his Islamic religion, then kill him." -- Muhammad Sahih al-Bukhari

Whosoever doeth any work in the sabbath day, he shall surely be put to death. Exodus 31.14

Six days shall work be done, but on the seventh day there shall be to you an holy day, a sabbath of rest to the LORD: whosoever doeth work therein shall be put to death. Exodus 35.2

They found a man that gathered sticks upon the sabbath day ... and the LORD said unto Moses, The man shall be surely put to death: all the congregation shall stone him with stones. Numbers 15.32-36  

Ye know of those of you who broke the Sabbath, how We said unto them: Be ye apes, despised and hated! And We made it an example to their own and to succeeding generations. Quran 2.65-66

, a graphic science book written for children 12 and up.

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And now, Jacob spake many more things to my people at that time; nevertheless only these things have I caused to be written, for the things which I have written sufficeth me. 2 Nephi 11:1

And now I, Nephi, write more of the words of Isaiah, for my soul delighteth in his words. 2 Nephi 11:2

Behold, my soul delighteth in proving unto my people the truth of the coming of Christ ... And also my soul delighteth in the covenants of the Lord ... yea, my soul delighteth in his grace ... And my soul delighteth in proving unto my people that save Christ should come all men must perish. For if there be no Christ there be no God; and if there be no God we are not, for there could have been no creation. But there is a God, and he is Christ, and he cometh in the fulness of his own time. 2 Nephi 11:4-7

And now I write some of the words of Isaiah. 2 Nephi 11:8

I tell you, in that night there shall be two men in one bed; the one shall be taken, and the other shall be left. 

Then said one unto him, Lord, are there few that be saved? And he said unto them, Strive to enter in at the strait gate: for many, I say unto you, will seek to enter in, and shall not be able. Luke 13:23-24

 Enter ye in at the strait gate: for wide is the gate, and broad is the way, that leadeth to destruction, and many there be which go in thereat: Because strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it. Matthew 7:13-14 

Two women shall be grinding together; the one shall be taken, and the other left. 

If all the intelligence of humanity, from the first to the last, were to be gathered as one, it would be in comparison to the intelligence of the Prophet... as a single grain of sand." p.49

His knowledge encompassed all sciences in full. p.211 

Allah … made him the most perfect human being. p.12

 The Messenger of Allah … is the best of the People p.18

 Prophet Muhammad … is by far the most worthy and the greatest of all mankind. p.44

 Lady Ayesha, Mother of Believers … tells us that the Prophet … said, "Gabriel came to me and said, 'I searched the East and the West of the earth and saw no man better than Muhammad.” p.96

Allah preferred Muhammad to the angels of the heavens and all the other prophets. p.99  

Allah honored Muhammad above the inhabitants of the heavens of the earth. p.108

As for the normal shadows that are cast by either the light of the sun or moon, he had none because he himself was radiant with his own light. p.218  

The Prophet ... said, "I have been preferred over my nation in four things – generosity, courage, abundance of sexual intercourse and great power." p.57

The Prophet … addressed the people, saying, "O gathering of believers! Allah … has preferred me greatly over you, and He has preferred my wives greatly over yours." pp.102-3 

The Prophet … told his Companions, "I am the most eloquent of Arabs.” p.52 

The Prophet … spoke of his honored position saying, "I am the most honored of the children of Adam with my Lord, and this is no boast."  p.96

The Prophet … said, “I am the noblest of the children of Adam before my Lord, and this is no boast." p.121

"I am the noblest of all the children of Adam with my Lord, and this is no boast. A thousand youths of Paradise will go about me as if they were hidden pearls." p.121

The Prophet  … spoke … saying, "On the Day of Resurrection I will be the master of the Children of Adam and the Banner of Praise will be in my hand, and this is not a boast. p.121

All the prophets from the time of Adam will come under my banner, and I will be the first for whom the earth splits open, and this is no boast." p.121

I will be the one with the most followers. p.121

 The Prophet ...  was a modest person. 57

When Prophet Muhammad ... took part in the rebuilding of Ka'ba, he was about raise his robe ... but he was prevent by the heaven ... When his uncle asked what ... stopped him, he replied, "I have been prevented from exposing my privates." p.217

Lady Ayesha … said, "I never saw the private parts of the Messenger of Allah." … The Prophet ... asked Imam Ali to ensure that no one other than himself should wash him (his covered body after his death). He told him, "No one has ever seen me naked, and if it were to happen he would become blind." p.48 

He was the most handsome man ever created, surpassing the beauty of Prophet Joseph for whom the women of the city cut their hands. p.44

The complexion of Prophet Muhammad … was radiant. His eyes were black, deep, widely set, and naturally mascaraed with a slight tinge of pink, accentuated by long eyelashes. p.45 

His beard was thick and reached his chest. ... His fingers were long and … the hair between his chest and navel was fine. He was of medium stature, however, when a tall person walked by his side the Prophet … appeared to be the taller. As for his hair it was neither curly nor straight and when he laughed his teeth were visible like a flash of lightning, or, they have been described as white as hailstones. p.45 

Allah did not send a prophet without making his face and voice beautiful, and that Prophet Muhammad … had the most handsome face of all of them and also the best voice. p.86 

The Prophet … His complexion was fair … his nose was long and had a line of light over it that someone might, unthinkingly, suppose to be his nose. His beard was thick, and his eyes were black and naturally mascared. His cheeks were firm and his mouth wide with evenly spaced teeth. The hair on his chest formed a fine line. His neck was as if it were fashioned from pure silver. p.91 

The Prophet's physique was finely balanced, and his body firm and muscular. His belly was equal in size to his chest. His chest was broad and the space between his shoulders wide. His calves were full. He was luminous! p.91 

Between the neck and navel of the Prophet ... there was a fine line of hair, however the rest of his torso was free from hair … His feet were so smooth that water ran off them. p.92 

From the time of Prophet Adam … there was neither an adulterer nor fornicator in the lineage of the Prophet, all were officially married. p.13

A line of no less than five hundred female ancestors of the Prophet ... He too verified that none had fornicated. p.13 

The spirit of the Prophet ...  was a light in the hands of Allah two thousand years before He created Adam … and when Allah created Adam, He cast that light into his loins.” p.53 

The Prophet ...  said, "Allah brought me down to earth in the loins of Adam, then He placed me in the loins of Noah and thereafter cast me into the loins of Abraham. Allah proceeded to move me from one noble loin and pure womb to another until He brought me out of my parents. None of them were ever joined together in fornication." pp.53, 96 

You came through … as a drop that …was transferred from loin to womb. … When you were born, the earth shone And the horizon was illuminated by your light. p.97

When the Prophet … was born he was already circumcised and his umbilical cord cut.  … He was clean when he was born. p.46

Upon the Prophet's birth ...  the heavens became guarded by meteors that chase would-be eavesdroppers away and thereby prevent the mischief of the satans and jinn. p.217 

Allah has angels, who as an element of their worship, visit each house that has a person called Ahmad or Muhammad in it on account of the honor in which they hold Muhammad." p.101 

Prophet Muhammad ...  said, "No harm will come if he has, one, two or three Muhammad's in the house." p.102 

There isn't an unprosperous house in which there is the name Muhammad. All the people of that house are provided for and likewise their neighbors. p.102 

On the Day of Resurrection a call will be given, 'Let whosoever is named Muhammad stand up and enter the Garden by the meritorious honor of his name.' p.102  

There is, however, an extra virtue the satisfaction of satisfying a wife's need. The Prophet … was given an abundance of this ability and would visit all of his wives in the same hour. Anas and his companions concluded that he had been given the power of thirty men. p.56 

In the matter of sexual intercourse, the Prophet was endowed with the power of forty men. After having visited each wife he would take a purification bath before going to the next and said, "This is better and purer." p.56 

Prophet Solomon and Prophet David were endowed with the same ability. Prophet Solomon said, "During the night I visited a hundred or ninety-nine women. Abbas' son said, "In the loins of Solomon there was the semen of a hundred men, and he had three hundred wives and three hundred whom the right hand possesses." It has also been reported that he had seven hundred wives. As for Prophet David, he had ninety-nine wives. p.56 

The Prophet... told his Companions, "I see the one behind my neck just as I see the one before me." … When the Messenger of Allah ... arose from prayer he could see everyone behind him, just as if they were in front of him." p.49

The Prophet could see just as well in the dark as he could see in the light. p.49 

His clear-sightedness permitted him to see the eleven stars in the Pleaides. p.49 

Prophet Moses, Moses was able to see an ant on a stone a distance of thirty miles away." So imagine what Prophet Muhammad … was able to see. 49  

 The Prophet … was adorned with the sweetest of fragrances, as was his perspiration. p.46

 The Prophet … visited the house of Anas and fell asleep on a rug and perspired. When Anas's mother noticed the perspiration she fetched a long necked bottle into which she collected the drops of perspiration. Later, the Messenger of Allah … inquired about it, whereupon she replied, "We mixed it with our perfume and it is the most fragrant of scents." pp.46-47

Even when the Prophet … relieved himself, it is reported that the earth would split open and swallow his discharge and there remained a fragrant aroma. p.47

Lady Ayesha … said to the Prophet … "When you return after relieving yourself, there is nothing offensive about you." He replied, "O Ayesha, don't you know that the earth swallows up what is discharged from the prophets so that nothing is seen?" p.47

The Prophet... kept a wooden bowl under his bed in which, if he felt the need, he could urinate during the night. One night a lady by the name of Baraka,, … felt thirsty and upon seeing the cup drank the urine without knowing. There were also similar occurrences in which his urine was drunk, when the Prophet... learned of it he did not order the washing of their mouth nor did he forbid them to do it again. … The output from his body was sweeter and the drinker did not taste any urine as they would do so with anyone else. p.48

It is praiseworthy for a man to have more than one wife, referring to the Prophet … Abbas' son said, "The best of this community is the one with the most wives." p.55

The Prophet … forbade celibacy … and said, "Whosoever is able to marry should marry, it lowers the eyes and protects the private parts." p.55  

The Prophet … said, ”The religion is based on cleanliness." p.46

Prophet Muhammad ...  said, "The first group to enter the Garden of Paradise will be like the full moon … every man will be in the height of their father Adam who was sixty cubits (90 feet) tall." p.86 

Prophet Muhammad … tells us, "I saw Moses, he was tall with curly hair.” … I saw Jesus, he was of medium height with a reddish face just as if he had come out after having taken a hot bath." p.86 

The Prophet … gave additional information about Moses saying, "He is like the best men you have ever seen with a dark complexion." ….  Of himself the Prophet ...  said, "Among the descendants of Abraham, I am the one who most resembles him." p.86 

Prophet Muhammad … tells us that Prophet Moses was a modest man who covered himself. No part of his body was seen on account of his modesty. p.87

Of illness, the Prophet ...  informs us of his knowledge saying, "The root of every illness is indigestion." p.211

The Prophet ...  warned, ”You must follow my prophetic way and the way of the rightly guided Caliphs. Cling to it voraciously and beware of new things. New things are innovations and each innovation (that is not in the Spirit of Islam) is misguidance." p.226 

The Prophet ...  spoke of knowledge saying, "There are three types of knowledge; a precise verse, an established prophetic way, and a just share of inheritance. All other knowledge is superfluous." p.226 

There are many reports by the Companions that relate to numerous occasions when water was witnessed flowing from the fingers of the Prophet. p.168

Messenger of Allah ...  felt the need to relieve himself however there was nothing to screen him. So the Messenger of Allah ...  went to one of the trees and took hold of a branch and said, "Let me lead you by the permission of Allah" and gently proceeded to lead it like a haltered camel. He did the same with the other tree until the trees stood side by side, then he said to them "By the permission of Allah, join together for me" and this they did. p.175 

The trees parted from each other … The Prophet ...  felt the need to relieve himself and asked if there was anywhere. Osama told him that the dried up water bed had no place of concealment, so the Prophet ...  asked if any palm trees or stones had been seen. Osama told him that he had seen some scattered palm-trees and some stones, so the Prophet ...  said, "Go and tell them that the Messenger of Allah commands them to come to his assistance … I saw the palm-trees draw near to each other until they joined and the stones came together until they formed a mound behind the Prophet. After he had relieved himself he told Osama to tell them to part, and Osama swore again saying, "By He who sent him with the truth, I saw the palm-trees and stones part and return to their places." pp.175-6 

When the Prophet ...  was visiting a certain district in Mecca and as he passed each and every tree and mountain it greeted him saying 'Peace be upon you, O Messenger of Allah." p.179

Lady Ayesha that when Gabriel came to him with a message, every stone or tree he passed would greet him saying, "Peace be upon you, O Messenger of Allah." p.179

When the Prophet, praise and peace be upon happened to pass by a tree or rock it would bow to him. p.179 

The Prophet ...  called the lizard and it answered in clear human speech so that everyone could hear, "Obedient to you, O adornment of the One who will bring the Resurrection!" The Prophet ...  asked the lizard, "Who do you worship? And it replied, "The One whose throne is in the heaven and whose power is in the earth, whose path is in the sea, whose mercy is in the Garden, and whose punishment is in the Fire." Then the Prophet ...  asked, "Who am I?" and it replied, "The Messenger of the Lord of the Worlds and the Seal of the Prophets. Whosoever bears witness that this is so is successful and whosoever belies you is lost!" p.181

The Prophet ...  who thereafter gave him a branch of a palm-tree saying, "Take it with you, it will shed light for you an arms length before you and an arms length behind you. When you enter your house you will see something dark. Beat it until it leaves because it is satan." p.195 

The Prophet ...  supplicated for Abu Katada saying, "May your face prosper! O Allah, bless him in his hair and skin." Abu Katada died at the age of seventy but looked no older than fifteen. p.190

An-Nabigha lived till the age of one hundred and twenty, the Prophet ...  supplicated for him saying, "May Allah not break your teeth" and none of his teeth fell out. p.190  

Whenever an insane person was brought to the Prophet ...  he would stroke their chest and the insanity would leave them. p.196  

The grandsons of the Prophet, Al Hasan and Al Hussain ... were young and crying on account of thirst. The Prophet ...  gave him his tongue to suck and thereafter they stopped crying. p.194  

One day a young man stopped praying, and the Prophet ... supplicated against him and he became lame. p.192

Utba, Abi Lahab's son was one of the enemies of the Prophet, praise and peace be upon him, and he supplicate against him saying, "O Allah, give one of your carnivores power over him", later he was devoured by a lion. p.192  

Muhallim, Jaththama's son was another of the vehement enemies of the Prophet ...  and was subjected to his curse. Muhallim was killed by a wild beast and every time an attempt to bury him was made, the earth rejected him and threw his body to its surface. Finally they threw his corpse between a gully and covered him with stones. p.192  

The Prophet ...  saw a man eating with his left hand and advised him, "Eat with your right hand." The man arrogantly replied, "I am not able to do so." The Prophet ...  said, "You will not be able to do so," and thereafter the man was never able to raise his right hand to his mouth. p.192 

Masood's son tells us of the time when the unbelievers among the Koraysh put a placenta full of fluid and blood around the Prophet's neck whilst he was prostrate in prayer to Allah. The Prophet ...  cursed each of the participants, name by name, and during the Battle of Badr each one met their death. p.192 

Jihjah Al Ghifari snatched hold of the Prophet's staff from Othman's hand and proceeded to try and break it across his knee. Upon seeing this the people shouted at him. Thereafter he was stricken by an itching disease in his knee and despite its amputation he died within the year. p.255

A certain man denied that he had sold his horse and only gave up his claim to ownership after the Prophet ...  supplicated, "O Allah, if he is lying, do not give him any blessing in it" whereupon the legs of the horse became rigid. p.192 

A Jewess poisoned the meat she had prepared for the Prophet. … The meat spoke to him telling him that it had been poisoned. p.65

If he happened to point to something, he pointed with his entire hand. When something surprised him he would turn the palm of his hand upside down. When talking, he held his right thumb in his left palm.  p.92 

When he spoke, those sitting with him sat still, as if they had birds perched on their heads. p.94 

Flies did not alight on either his clothes or body. p.218 

The story is found in the Book of Esther, which Israel's Prime Minister, Benjamin Netanyahu, recently gave to President Obama as a Purim gift. Since ancient Persia is modern Iran, the message behind the gift is clear enough: let's do it again.

I hope that President Obama takes the time to read the Book of Esther, if he hasn't already. It's a silly, disgusting story that every Jew (and Christian) should be ashamed of, rather than celebrate -- or, worse yet, imitate.

There is no hope for peace in the world as long its leaders are inspired by the Bible and the Quran.

Beautiful. twitter.com/MileyCyrus/sta…

I don't know anything about Miley Cyrus, but she makes a lot more sense than Jesus.

Here is the lecture by Lawrence Krauss from which the quote was taken.
(I posted a link to this a while back, but I can't resist doing it again. It is well worth watching twice.)

These three phrases are also, of course, found in the King James Version of the Bible, which is no doubt why Joseph Smith used them so often in the BoM; it just sounded so darned biblical. The trouble is that he got carried away with it.

Here's a summary of the occurrences of "Behold," "It came to pass," and "Exceedingly" in the BoM and the King James Version of the Bible. (I haven't highlighted the "beholds" yet in the SABOM, but I'll get to them eventually.)

	BoM	King James Version
Behold	1669	1275
It came to pass	1424	452
Exceedingly	287	39

Each of these phrases occurs more often in the BoM than in the Bible, with "exceedingly" occurring over seven times as often. And that's without taking the their sizes into account. The Bible is nearly five times as big as the BoM.

Here's how the comparison looks when size is taken into account.
(Occurrences per 100 verses; 6553 verses in the BoM, 31102 in the Bible)

	BoM	King James Version
Behold	25.47	4.10
It came to pass	21.7	1.45
Exceedingly	4.38	0.13

Now let's repeat the analysis using all three of Joseph Smith's favorite phrases.
(Occurrences per 100 verses)

	BoM	King James Version
Behold, it came to pass exceedingly	51.6	5.68

So these phrases occur nearly ten times more often in the Book of Mormon as they do in the Bible. (And they occur rarely anywhere else.)

Here's how Richard Dawkins put it on Real Time with Bill Maher.

Joseph Smith made it [The Book of Mormon] up in the 19th century ... in 17th century English.... It's got charlatan written absolutely all over it. How it could have possibly caught on and still be going strong today ... and even having candidates for president is beyond me.

It's beyond me too, but it looks like it is not beyond the GOP.

Luckily, the gospels and Ash-Shifa can answer it for us. (Ash-Shifa is a 12th century biography of Muhammad that is considered authoritative throughout the Muslim world.)

Let's take Jesus' spit first.

• In Mark's gospel, Jesus cured a deaf man by putting some of his holy spit on the deaf man's tongue.

  And they bring unto him one that was deaf, and had an impediment in his speech ... And he ... put his fingers into his ears, and he spit, and touched his tongue ... And straightway his ears were opened, and the string of his tongue was loosed, and he spake plain. Mark 7:32-35

• And he cured a blind man by spitting on (or in) his eyes.

  And they bring a blind man unto him ... And ... he ... spit on his eyes [and] asked him if he saw ought. And he looked up, and said, I see men as trees, walking. After that he put his hands again upon his eyes, and made him look up: and he was restored, and saw every man clearly. Mark 8:22-25

• The only other gospel that mentions Jesus' spit is John, which says that another blind man (or was it the same one?) was cured with mud made with Jesus spit followed by a holy water bath.

  And as Jesus passed by, he saw a man which was blind from his birth. And his disciples asked him, saying, Master, who did sin, this man, or his parents, that he was born blind? Jesus answered, Neither hath this man sinned, nor his parents: but that the works of God should be made manifest in him .... When he had thus spoken, he spat on the ground, and made clay of the spittle, and he anointed the eyes of the blind man with the clay, And said unto him, Go, wash in the pool of Siloam ... He ... washed, and came seeing. John 9:1-7

• Just like Jesus, Muhammad cured blind and deaf people by spitting in their eyes or ears.

  Habib, either the son of Fudayk or Furayk's said that his father's eyes became so white that he had no vision at all. The Messenger of Allah, praise and peace be upon him, blew some of his saliva in to his eyes whereupon his vision was immediately restored. He was even seen threading a needle at the age of eighty! (p. 188)

  At the Battle of Khybar, Ali's eyes became very painful. The Prophet, praise and peace be upon him, blew some of his saliva on them and they were immediately healed. (p. 188)

  A lady from Khuth'am had a child who was mute. The Prophet, praise and peace be upon him, asked for some water to be brought with which he rinsed his mouth and washed hands. Then he gave it to the mother and told her to wash the child and wipe him with it. The mother did as the Prophet, praise and peace be upon him, had said and the child was no longer mute and had an intellect superior to most people. (p. 189)

• And like Moses, he could make water miraculously appear. But he didn't have to strike a rock with his rod or even speak to the rock. He did it all with his spit.

  At Hudaybiyah, we are told by Al Bara', there were approximately 14,000 men, and the water well they found was insufficient to provide for even fifty sheep. The Companions crowded around the well until not one single drop remained. Then, the Messenger of Allah, praise and peace be upon him, came and sat beside it and a pail was brought to him in which he blew some of his saliva and supplicated. Salama reported that he either supplicated or blew some of his salvia in it whereupon water gushed forth and there was sufficient water for themselves and enough to fill their containers. (p. 170)

• Like Jesus, Muhammad cured people with mud made with his own spit. But Muhammad's muddy spit treatment was administered orally rather than topically.

  Mula'ib's son suffered from an edema of water fluid, and sent a messenger to the Prophet, praise and peace be upon him, to tell him of his condition. The Prophet, praise and peace be upon him, took some dust from the ground, blew some of his salvia upon it and gave to the Mula'ib's messenger who was amazed and took it fearing that he would be laughed at. He returned to Mulai'b's son who was now on the verge of death and gave it to him. He consumed it and Allah cured him.

• And Muhammad's spit, unlike Jesus', cured more than just blind and deaf people. It also worked on burn and hernia patients.

  There was a lady who brought her possessed son to the Prophet, praise and peace be upon, and Abbas' son tells us that the Prophet, praise and peace be upon him, stroked his chest whereupon the child vomited something that resembled a black puppy and was immediately cured. We are also told of the time Muhammad, Hatim's son was a child and a boiling pot overturned on his arm, the Prophet, praise and peace be upon him, stroked it, supplicated, then blew some of his salvia on it and it was immediately healed. (p. 189)

  A man came to him suffering from a hernia. He instructed that it be sprinkled with water from a spring into which he had blown some saliva. After this had been carried out the man was cured. (p. 196)

• Bad mannered girls behave much better after eating food from Muhammad's mouth. (There's nothing like this in the gospels.)

  A girl who was in the service of the Prophet, praise and peace be upon him, asked him for some food when he was eating and as he never refused anyone anything he gave her what was in front of him. The girl was persistent and said, "I want the food in your mouth." So he gave her what was in his mouth. After she had swallowed it, she became well mannered and the change was apparent for all to see, and she became among the most well mannered girls of Medina. (p. 189)

• Many soldiers were completely healed by rubbing Muhammad spit on their wounds. (Something similar occurred during Jesus' arrest, when a man with a severed ear was restored by Jesus' touch. But since no spit was involved, it doesn't count in the holy spit competition.)

  Abu Sa'id Al Khudri said that the Prophet, praise and peace, be upon him, put some of his saliva on the mark made by the arrow on the Day of Dhu Qarad and Abu Katada told him that it neither throbbed nor yet became infected. (p. 187)

  During the Battle of Uhud, Kulthum Hussain's son was shot in his throat. The Messenger of Allah, praise and peace be upon him, blew some of his saliva upon it and it healed immediately. Abdullah, Anies' son was also among those injured during the encounter and sustained a wound to his head, once again the Prophet, praise and peace be upon him, blew some of his saliva upon it and it did not turn septic. (p. 188)

  Salama, Al Akwa's son sustained a wound to his thigh during the battle and a similar miracle occurred whereby he too was immediately healed. (p. 188)

• And finally, and most impressively, Muhammad cured amputees with his spit. (Not even God can do that!)

  It was during the Battle of Badr that Abu Jahl severed the hand of Mu'awwidh, Afra's son. Mu'awwidh went to the Prophet, praise and peace be upon him carrying his severed hand, whereupon the Prophet, praise and peace be upon him, blew some of his saliva on it, replaced it was immediately miraculously rejoined to his arm. It was during the same battle Wahb's son tells us that Khubaby, Yasaf's son was severely struck on the neck and half of it was severed. The Messenger of Allah, praise and peace be upon him, blew his salvia upon it and it was immediately healed. (p. 188-9)

So Muhammad wins the holy spit contest. I guess we should all convert to Islam. (What more evidence could anyone ever ask for?)

Or as Seth Meyers put it, "Life begins at last call."

You remember Numbers 21, don't you? It's the one where the Israelites complain about the lack of food and water, so God sends snakes to bite them, and many of them die.

So the people ask Moses to ask God to call off the snakes. And that's when God came up with a wonderful plan. He told Moses to make a bronze (brass in the KJV) serpent and stick it on a pole. Then, when the snake-bite victims look at it, they won't die.

So that's what Moses did.

And that, according to Bryan Fischer, is what we need our next president to do. Make a bronze serpent to protect us from God's fiery serpents.

It will probably be Rick Stantorum's first act as president.

It has often and confidently been asserted, that man's origin can never be known: but ignorance more frequently begets confidence than does knowledge: it is those who know little, and not those who know much, who so positively assert that this or that problem will never be solved by science.

For more information about this see the articles in Gawker.
Watch Bill Maher Unbaptize Mitt Romney’s Dead Father-in-Law
Yes, the Romneys Converted Mitt’s Dead Atheist Father-in-Law to Mormonism

The next day at the National Prayer Breakfast, President Obama expressed just the opposite point of view. Here are some excepts, along with the corresponding bible verses.

... the biblical call [is] to care for the least of these –- for the poor; for those at the margins of our society. To answer the responsibility we’re given in Proverbs to “Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute.” (Proverbs 31:8-10)

...

John tells us that, “If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him? Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth.” (1 John 3:17)

There were, of course, some misapplied biblical references to "Am I my brother's keeper" (Genesis 4:9) and "For unto whom much is given, much shall be required." (Luke 12:48). But Obama made his point: he's a better Christian than Romney.

Still if I were writing Obama's speech, I'd have thrown in Proverbs 29:17, just for Mitt "I'm not concerned about the poor" Romney.

The righteous considereth the cause of the poor: but the wicked regardeth not to know it.

So we've pretty well established that Mitt isn't much of a Christian. But we already knew that. He's a Mormon.

And what the does Book of Mormon say about poor people?

Plenty, as it turns out. Here are some excerpts.

Ye will administer of your substance unto him that standeth in need; and ye will not suffer that the beggar putteth up his petition to you in vain, and turn him out to perish. (Mosiah 4:16)

Ye ought to impart of the substance that ye have one to another. (Mosiah 4:21)

Impart of your substance to the poor, every man according to that which he hath. (Mosiah 4:26)

They did impart of their substance, every man according to that which he had, to the poor, and the needy, and the sick, and the afflicted; and ... they were liberal to all. (Alma 1:27-30)

Yea, he saw great inequality among the people ... turning their backs upon the needy and the naked and those who were hungry, and those who were athirst, and those who were sick and afflicted. (Alma 4:12)

Will you persist in turning your backs upon the poor, and the needy, and in withholding your substance from them? (Alma 5:55)

So I guess Mitt Romney isn't a very good Mormon either.

When ye rise up for prayer ... if ye ... cometh from the closet, or ye have had contact with women, and ye find not water, then go to clean, high ground and rub your faces and your hands with some of it. Quran 5:6

Your Apostle (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) teaches you about everything, even about excrement. (1)

1. Before entering the bathroom, cover your head, put shoes on your feet, and say this little prayer: "O Allah I seek your protection from the male and female devils."

   When going to the toilet the messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) would wear footwear. He would cover his blessed head and before stepping into the room, he would read: 'O Allah I seek your protection from the male and female devils.' (1)

2. Enter the bathroom with your left foot.

   The Messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) would enter the toilet with his left foot. (1)

3. Don't read the Quran while on the toilet.
   

   Any verse of the Qur'an, should be removed before entering the toilet. (1)

4. Don't let anyone see you pee. (No one ever saw Muhammad do it -- except for all those eyewitnesses who provided the glorious details about his peeing technique.)

   Jabir (may Allah be pleased with him) states that, 'When the Messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) would go to relieve himself he would go so far that no-one could see him.' We should make sure that there is complete privacy whilst relieving one's self; this is modesty that every Muslim should have. (1)

   A person should be concealed from the sight of others when answering the call of nature. ... How can anybody uncover in front of other people the ‘awrah (private parts) which Allaah has placed between his legs to conceal it and commanded him to cover it? (2)

   One should move and hide himself from others, as the prophet SAAWS only relieved himself when he was out of site. (2)

5. Don't try to hold it before prayer. If you do, your prayer won't count. (Allah knows who has to pee or fart and who doesn't, and he gets pissed off when he sees people praying when they should be peeing.)

   When the time for prayer comes and one of you needs to relieve himself, he should do that first ... it is Makrooh-e-Tehrimi to hold urine/wind or the need to go to the toilet. One should relieve themselves first as the Salaah will have to be repeated. (1)

6. Keep all of your clothes on until the very last second. Then take off only the clothes that are absolutely necessary while getting as close to the ground as possible. (God hates to see you naked.)

   'When the Messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) would go to relieve himself, he would not remove the clothing from his body until he was close to the ground. (1)

   A person should not uncover his ‘awrah (private parts) until after he has squatted close to the ground, because this is more concealing, as Anas (may Allaah be pleased with him) reported: “When the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) wanted to answer the call of nature, he would not lift his garment until he had squatted close to the ground.” (2)

7. Point your face in some other direction besides Mecca while pooping or peeing -- but for God's sake don't point your butt or penis in that direction either. (If your toilet at home is facing Mecca, you're up shit creek, so to speak. If you're a good Muslim, you'll remodel the bathroom so the toilet faces New York, Rome, or Salt Lake City instead.)

   Facing or keeping the back towards the Qibla whilst going to the toilet is forbidden. We should take care of this at all times. If the toilet is facing the Qibla in your home then try and sacrifice some money and have it changed as you will be sinning every time you use the toilet. (1)

   “Your Prophet has taught you everything, even how to defecate!” Salmaan said: “Yes, he forbade us to face the qiblah when urinating or defecating…” (2)

   The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “When any one of you sits down to answer the call of nature, he should not face the qiblah or turn his back towards it.” (2)

8. When you're doing your business, don't touch your penis with your right hand. Use your left hand to hold it while peeing and to wipe your butt after you're done pooping. (Don't let your right hand know what your left hand is doing.)

   The Messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) said that, 'None of you should hold the private parts with the right hand while urinating, or wipe with the right hand in the privy. (1)

   [T]he Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “When any one of you wipes himself, he should not use his right hand.” (2)

9. Don't use the right hand for cleaning either. It's pretty much useless while in the bathroom. (I try to keep mine over my head or behind my back.)

   Do not use the right hand for cleansing (Istinja) as it goes against the Sunnah unless you have a problem with your right hand. We use the right hand for eating, drinking, shaking hands, reading the Qur'an etc. we should use the other hand for cleaning, holding shoes, cleaning the nose etc. (1)

   The Prophet’s wife Hafsah (may Allaah be pleased with her) reported that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) used to use his right hand for eating, drinking, making wudoo (?), getting dressed, and giving and taking things, and he used to use his left hand for other things. (2)

10. Wash and wipe an odd number of times.

    Wash in odd numbers i.e. 1, 3, 5 or 7 times. (1)

    [T]he Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) used to wash his posterior three times. Ibn ‘Umar said: “We did this too and found it to be healing and cleansing.” (2)

11. Do all your clean-up with just three fingers: the middle fingers of your left hand. (May take some practice.)

    Use the left hand middle three fingers for cleanings. (1)

12. For an easier pee, try pushing on your left leg.

    Put slight pressure on the left leg it makes it relieving easier. (1)

13. Pee sitting down. Whoever pees standing up will go straight to hell when they die. (Muhammad's nine year old wife, Aisha, swore he was a sit-down pee-er.)

    Aisha (may Allah be pleased with her) says that, 'Whosoever says that the Messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) would stand up and urinate do not believe them, he would urinate but sitting down ... One of the reasons of the punishment in the grave is because of urinating standing up, Islam has given us a method to follow not only will you relieve yourself but you will be rewarded too. (1)

14. Don't get any urine on yourself. If you do you, Allah will torture you in hell for it. As the Prophet of Pee said so well, "Most of the punishment of the grave will be because of urine."

    Once the Messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) while passing through a graveyard heard the voices of two persons who were being punished in their graves. The Messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) said, 'These two persons are being punished not for something major (it is not difficult to be save from it).' The Prophet (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) then added, 'Yes! (They are being tortured for a major sin) Indeed, one of them never saved himself from being soiled with his urine... (1)

    He should be careful to remove all impurity after answering the call of nature, because the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) warned against being careless in cleaning oneself after urinating: “Most of the punishment of the grave will be because of urine.” (2)

15. Females should wipe with the heel of the left palm, being careful not to separate the legs too much.

    The sister should cleanse themselves with the lower palm of the left hand and do not separate the legs to wide. (1)

16. Males should hold the penis from the top with the left hand index finger and thumb, gently milking it until all the drops come out.

    When cleaning yourself, males should hold their penis from the top with the left hand index finger and the thumb. Gently work your way down (as if milking an animal) so if drops are left they will come out. (1)

17. Whatever you do, be sure to get that last drop out. Force the little bugger if you have to.

    After performing urination, if you feel that another drop of urine will come, then it is wajib for you to perform 'Istibrao' meaning after urination to perform some act that would force the urine left inside, to come out . (1)

18. First wash the front of the penis and then the back.

    First wash the front then the back. (1)

19. In all of this, try hard not to even look at your penis. Looking at your own penis can cause severe memory loss.

    Do not look at your private parts as there is a chance of the memory becoming weak. (1)

20. When you finally force that last drop out and you've washed your penis, front and back, wash your hands three times.

    After you have relieved yourself, wash your hands up to the wrists thrice. (1)

21. Don't talk in the bathroom. If someone else talks, cough three times. (God doesn't like it when people talk while not fully clothed.)

    One should not talk in the toilet without absolute necessity but if a person outside is calling and does not know then cough thrice to make them aware. ... When two people talk when the body is uncovered Allah (The Exalted) is displeased. (1)

    [A] man passed by the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) whilst he was urinating, and greeted him. The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said to him: “If you see me in this state, do not greet me, because if you do, I will not respond.” (Reported by Ibn Maajah, 346; see also Saheeh al-Jaami’, 575). The majority of scholars say that it is makrooh (disliked) to speak in the restroom unnecessarily. (2)

22. Wipe your butt with your left hand, using at least three pebbles. But don't use bones or dung, for, as Muhammad said, "They are the food of the jinn."

    Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) reported that he used to carry a vessel for the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) to do wudoo’ and clean himself after answering the call of nature. Whilst he was following him, he (the Prophet) asked, “Who is that?” He said: “I am Abu Hurayrah.” He said: “Get me some stones I can use to clean myself, but do not bring me any bones or dung.” So I brought him some stones, carrying them in the hem of my garment, and placed them by his side, then I went away. When he had finished, I came back and asked him, “What is wrong with bones and dung?” He said: “They are the food of the jinn.” (2)

    No one shall make "Estinjaa" without using three stones. ... The prophet SAAWS asked his servant (Abdullah Ibn Masood) to bring him three stones for "Estinja", Ibn Masood RAA only found two stones so he brought him a piece of animal's droppings (dung) that was dry. When the prophet saw it, he threw it away and said that it is Najasah (impure). ... "Salman was once asked: Your prophet teaches you everything, even how to relieve yourselves? Salman said: Certainly.... he forbade us from facing the Qiblah while doing so, from cleaning ourselves with our right hand, and from cleaning ourselves with less than three stones. (3)

23. When you're done, wash your private parts with water. (Muhammad didn't have to do this, though, because his pee was special.)

    Aisha (may Allah be pleased with her) narrates that, 'The Messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) went to answer the call of nature, 'Umar (may Allah be pleased with him) bought some water. The Messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) said, 'What is this'' He replied, 'Water for cleansing (Istinja).' The Messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) said, 'It has not been made necessary (Wajib) upon me after urinating to cleanse myself with water.'(1)

24. Watch out for jinns and devils. They like to hang out in bathrooms and mess with your private parts.

    [T]he Messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) said, 'These toilets are peopled by Jinn and devils, so when one of you goes there say, 'I seek protection in you from the male and female devil.'' Meaning pray the supplication before entering the toilet.
    The Messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) said, 'When one of you intends to go to the toilet then recite 'Bismillah' a veil will be placed between the jinn and the parts of your body.' This should be recited before entering the toilet. (1)

25. When you're all done, leave with your right foot.

    When leaving the toilet one should step out with the right foot. (1)

26. After leaving, say a little prayer to the toilet god.

    Once outside the toilet read this supplication: 'O Allah I seek Your pardon. All praises are due to Allah who has taken away from me discomfort and granted me relief.' (1)

    When leaving the toilet, he should say: “Ghufraanak (I seek Your forgiveness).” (2)

27. If you fail to follow any of these rules, the invisible bathroom devils will give you some sort of mental illness.

    We should try and learn these short supplications and practise them too. If we do not seek Allah's (The Exalted) protection from the devils, then there is a chance we can be affected with mental illnesses from the devils. We can not see the devils and when you can not see your enemy they are more dangerous. (1)

You see, God carefully arranged (fixed) the game so that Tebow's passing yards would match the numbers of his favorite verse -- the only verse that he and his followers seem to know or care much about -- John 3:16.

God, it seems, likes to communicate using Tim Tebow's stats.

So what was God saying in last night's game against the Patriots?

Well, God is really into passing yardage, and last night Tebow passed for 136 yards.

Which could only mean one thing: God wants us all to read and obey a particular Bible verse involving the digits in the number 136.

After a careful check of the Bible, I think I know what verse God had in mind: Deuteronomy 13:6 (and following verses).

Here's what God says in the passage beginning with that verse:

13:6 If thy brother, the son of thy mother, or thy son, or thy daughter, or the wife of thy bosom, or thy friend, which is as thine own soul, entice thee secretly, saying, Let us go and serve other gods, which thou hast not known, thou, nor thy fathers;

13:8 Thou shalt not consent unto him, nor hearken unto him; neither shall thine eye pity him, neither shalt thou spare, neither shalt thou conceal him:

13:9 But thou shalt surely kill him; thine hand shall be first upon him to put him to death, and afterwards the hand of all the people.

13:10 And thou shalt stone him with stones, that he die.

God wants us to stone to death our family and friends, without pity (God hates pity), if they encourage us to worship the wrong god. (Which, of course, would include any Mormons, Catholics, Jews, Muslims, etc.)

I can't wait to see Tebow's eye-black for next season's opening game!

...there is something about Mitt Romney's religion that I find deeply troubling, particularly in light of the possibility that he could become the next president of this nation. What concerns me is this: the Book of Mormon, the book that Mitt Romney and all Mormons embrace as divinely revealed scripture ... declares that black people are cursed. That's right. Cursed. And not only accursed, but lazy and aesthetically ugly to boot.

...the Book of Morman says it explicitly and in numerous passages: black people are cursed by God and our dark skin is the evidence of our accursedness. Here are a few examples:

And the Lord had caused the cursing to come upon them, yea, even a sore cursing, because of their iniquity. For behold, they had hardened their hearts against him, that they had become like unto a flint; wherefore, as they were white, and exceedingly fair and delightsome, that they might not be enticing unto my people the Lord God did cause a skin of blackness to come upon them (2 Nephi 5:21).

And I beheld, after they had dwindled in unbelief they became a dark and loathsome and a filthy people, full of idleness and all manner of abominations (1 Nephi 12:23).

O my brethren, I fear that unless ye shall repent of your sins that their skins will be whiter than yours, when ye shall be brought with them before the throne of God. (Jacob 3:8).

And the skins of the Lamanites were dark, according to the mark which was set upon their fathers, which was a curse upon them because of their transgression and their rebellion against their brethren, who consisted of Nephi, Jacob, and Joseph, and Sam, who were just and holy men (Alma 3: 6).

...at no time has Mitt Romney ever publicly indicated that he seriously questioned the divine inspiration of the Book of Mormon's teachings about race, much less that he has repudiated them. It is true that in a 2008 Meet the Press interview with the late Tim Russert, Romney did vigorously assert his belief in equal rights for all Americans in every facet of life. As part of that narrative, he cited his parents' "tireless" advocacy for blacks' civil rights, including the dramatic exit of his father, Michigan Governor George Romney, from the 1964 Republican convention as a protest against nominee Barry Goldwater's racial politics. He also shared that he wept when he learned of Spencer Kimball's aforementioned revelation. Yet from Romney's remarks it is not clear whether he wept for joy because Mormonism was eschewing its segregationist policies or if he wept from relief that the announcement promised to quiet the public outrage that those policies were causing. And significantly, while he recited his parents' efforts to confront racial injustice, Mitt Romney pointed to no such activities of his own.

...Mitt Romney himself owes it to America to address the issue. Why? Because Romney was tutored into adulthood by a holy book that declares that all Americans like me are cursed by God. And he is not only a believer; he has served as a leader in his faith.

....when Tim Russert invited Romney to repudiate his Church's racist legacy on Meet the Press, Romney refused.

That is why, Mr. Romney, as an American citizen whose president you seek to become, I must insist that you honestly and forthrightly attest to me and all Americans of goodwill that you actually can be my president, too, fully and completely. You can accomplish this by publicly disavowing the portions of your holy book that so sorely denigrate the humanity of me, my loved ones and all people of black African descent.

It is incumbent that you do this, candidate Romney, for the sake of all Americans.

No one should vote for Mitt Romney unless he does exactly that.

1. Say the right things.

   For by thy words thou shalt be justified. -- Matthew 12:37

2. Do the right things. (Be a do-gooder.)

   And shall come forth; they that have done good, unto the resurrection of life. -- John 5:29

   I the Lord ... give every man according to his ways, and according to the fruit of his doings. -- Jeremiah 17:10

   For we must all appear before the jugment seat of Christ, that each one may receive the things done in the body, according to what he has done, whether good or bad. -- 2 Corinthians 5:10

3. Believe the right things.

   A man is justified by faith without the deeds of the law. -- Romans 3:28

   Therefore, being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. -- Romans 5:1

   A man is not justified by the works of the law, but by the faith of Jesus Christ. -- Galatians 2:16

   For by grace are ye saved through faith. -- Ephesians 2:8

4. Do and believe the right things.

   Faith, if it hath not works, is dead, being alone. -- James 2:17

5. Work your way to heaven.

   For you render to each one according to his works. -- Psalm 62:12

   For the Son of Man will come in the glory of His Father with His angels, and then He will reward each according to his works. -- Matthew 16.27

   And I saw the dead, small and great, stand before God; and the books were opened: and another book was opened, which is the book of life: and the dead were judged out of those things which were written in the books, according to their works. And the sea gave up the dead which were in it; and death and hell delivered up the dead which were in them: and they were judged every man according to their works. -- Revelation 20:12-13

   Therefore it is no great thing if his ministers also transform themselves into ministers of righteousness, whose end will be according to their works. -- 2 Corinthians 11:15

   The Father, who without partiality judges according to each one's work. -- 1 Peter 1:17

   What doth it profit, my brethren, though a man say he hath faith, and have not works? can faith save him? -- James 2:14, 17, 20, 24, 26

   I will give unto every one of you according to your works. -- Revelation 2:23

   Behold, I come quickly; and my reward is with me, to give every man according as his work. -- Revelation 22:12

6. Burn your work.

   If any man's work shall be burned, he shall suffer loss: but he himself shall be saved; yet so as by fire. -- 1 Corinthians 3:15

7. Work it out with fear and trembling.

   Work out your own salvation with fear and trembling. -- Philippians 2:12

8. Be hungry now and never get full.

   Blessed are ye that hunger now: for ye shall be filled. ... Woe unto you that are full! for ye shall hunger. -- Luke 6:21, 24

9. Hunger and thirst after righteousness.

   Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled. -- Matthew 5:6

10. Do what is lawful and right.

    When the wicked man turneth away from his wickedness ... and doeth that which is lawful and right, he shall save his soul. -- Ezekiel 18:27

11. Do nothing. Die in Adam; come alive in Christ.

    For as in Adam all die, even so in Christ shall all be made alive. -- 1 Corinthians 15:22

12. Obey the law of the wise.

    The law of the wise is a fountain of life, to depart from the snares of death. -- Proverbs 13:14

13. Do God's will

    He that doeth the will of God abideth for ever. -- 1 John 2:17

14. Do the will of Jesus' father.

    Not every one that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven; but he that doeth the will of my Father which is in heaven. -- Matthew 7:21

15. Be a doer of the law.

    Who will render to each one according to his deeds. ... For not the hearers of the law are just in the sight of God, but the doers of the law will be justified. -- Romans 2:6, 13

16. Call on the name of the Lord.

    Whosoever shall call on the name of the Lord shall be saved. -- Acts 2:21, Romans 10:13

17. Call upon God.

    As for me, I will call upon God; and the LORD shall save me. -- Psalm 55:16

18. Trust in the Lord.

    The LORD shall ... save them, because they trust in him. -- Psalm 37:40

19. Seek the Lord and don't forsake him.

    The LORD searcheth all hearts, and understandeth all the imaginations of the thoughts: if thou seek him, he will be found of thee; but if thou forsake him, he will cast thee off for ever. -- 1 Chronicles 28:9

20. Get to know God.

    In flaming fire taking vengeance on them that know not God, and that obey not the gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ: Who shall be punished with everlasting destruction. -- 2 Thessalonians 1:8-9

21. Wait for him.

    Wait on the LORD, and he shall save thee. -- Proverbs 20:22

    Lo, this is our God; we have waited for him, and he will save us. -- Isaiah 25:9

22. Wait and come for 1335 days.

    Blessed is he that waiteth, and cometh to the thousand three hundred and five and thirty days. -- Daniel 12:12

23. Just look at him.

    Look unto me, and be ye saved. -- Isaiah 45:22

24. Get lost.

    The Son of man is come to save that which was lost. -- Matthew 18:11, Luke 19:10

25. Get scourged.

    Whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth, and scourgeth every son whom he receiveth. -- Hebrews 12:6

26. Get tortured.

    "Others were tortured ... that they might obtain a better resurrection." -- Hebrews 11:35

27. Get lucky.

    I will have mercy on whom I will have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I will have compassion. ... Therefore hath he mercy on whom he will have mercy, and whom he will he hardeneth. ... Shall the thing formed say to him that formed it, Why hast thou made me thus? Hath not the potter power over the clay, of the same lump to make one vessel unto honour, and another unto dishonour? What if God, willing to shew his wrath, and to make his power known, endured with much longsuffering the vessels of wrath fitted to destruction: -- Romans 9:15-22

28. Hope.

    For we are saved by hope. -- Romans 8:24

29. Repent.

    Except ye repent, ye shall all likewise perish. -- Luke 13:3, 5

30. Overcome.

    He that hath an ear, let him hear what the Spirit saith unto the churches; To him that overcometh will I give to eat of the tree of life, which is in the midst of the paradise of God. -- Revelation 2:7

    He that hath an ear, let him hear what the Spirit saith unto the churches; He that overcometh shall not be hurt of the second death. -- Revelation 2:11

    He that overcometh, the same shall be clothed in white raiment; and I will not blot out his name out of the book of life, but I will confess his name before my Father, and before his angels. -- Revelation 3:5

    Him that overcometh will I make a pillar in the temple of my God ... and I will write upon him the name of my God, and the name of the city of my God, which is new Jerusalem ... and I will write upon him my new name. -- Revelation 3:12

31. Don't be so darned wicked.

    When the wicked man turneth away from his wickedness that he hath committed, and doeth that which is lawful and right, he shall save his soul. -- Ezekiel 18:27

32. Don't offend the little ones.

    But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea. -- Matthew 18:6, Mark 9:14, Luke 17:2

33. Don't be filthy or naughty; receive the engrafted word.

    Lay apart all filthiness and superfluity of naughtiness, and receive with meekness the engrafted word, which is able to save your souls. -- James 1:21

34. Walk upright.

    Whoso walketh uprightly shall be saved. -- Proverbs 28:18

35. Endure temptation.

    Blessed is the man that endureth temptation: for when he is tried, he shall receive the crown of life. -- James 1:12

36. Don't lust.

    Then when lust hath conceived, it bringeth forth sin: and sin, when it is finished, bringeth forth death. -- James 1:15

37. Bridle your tongue.

    If any man among you seem to be religious, and bridleth not his tongue, but deceiveth his own heart, this man's religion is vain. -- James 1:26

38. Believe in Jesus.

    Whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. -- John 3:16

    I am the resurrection, and the life: he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live. And whosoever liveth and believeth in me shall never die. -- John 11:25-26

39. Believe on Jesus.

    He that believeth on the Son hath everlasting life. -- John 3:36

    Verily, verily, I say unto you, He that believeth on me hath everlasting life. -- John 6:47

    Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, and thou shalt be saved. -- Acts 16:31

40. See Jesus and believe on him.

    Every one which seeth the Son, and believeth on him, may have everlasting life: and I will raise him up at the last day. -- John 6:40

41. Confess with your mouth "Jesus is Lord" and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead.

    If thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved. -- Romans 10:9

42. Confess Jesus before men.

    Whosoever therefore shall confess me before men, him will I confess also before my Father which is in heaven. -- Matthew 10:32

    Whosoever shall confess me before men, him shall the Son of man also confess before the angels of God. -- Luke 12:8

43. Obey Jesus.

    And [Jesus] being made perfect, he became the author of eternal salvation unto all them that obey him. -- Hebrews 5:9

44. Hear the words of Jesus and believe in whoever sent him.

    He that heareth my word, and believeth on him that sent me, hath everlasting life. -- John 5:24

45. Hear and do the sayings of Jesus.

    Whosoever heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth them, I will liken him unto a wise man, which built his house upon a rock. -- Matthew 7:24

46. Keep Jesus' saying.

    If a man keep my saying, he shall never see death. -- John 8:51

47. Drink Jesus' water.

    Whosoever drinketh of the water that I shall give him shall never thirst; but the water that I shall give him shall be in him a well of water springing up into everlasting life. -- John 4:14

48. Get saved by the grace of Jesus.

    Through the grace of the LORD Jesus Christ we shall be saved. Acts 15:11

49. Be dead with Jesus.

    It is a faithful saying: For if we be dead with him, we shall also live with him: -- 2 Timothy 2:11

50. Be born again.

    Except a man be born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God. -- John 3:3

51. Be born of water and the spirit.

    Except a man be born of water and of the Spirit, he cannot enter into the kingdom of God. -- John 3:5

52. Be spiritually minded.

    To be spiritually minded is life. -- Romans 8:6

53. Believe Paul's gospel.

    Moreover, brethren, I declare unto you the gospel which I preached unto you, which also ye have received, and wherein ye stand; By which also ye are saved, if ye keep in memory what I preached unto you, unless ye have believed in vain. 1 Corinthians 15:1-2

54. Listen to Peter's words. (They will save you and your whole familiy!)

    Peter ... shall tell thee words, whereby thou and all thy house shall be saved. Acts 11:13-14

55. Believe and be baptized.

    He that believeth and is baptized shall be saved. -- Mark 16:16

56. Just get baptized (you can keep the filth of the flesh).

    Baptism doth also now save us (not the putting away of the filth of the flesh). -- 1 Peter 3:21

57. Have a contrite spirit.

    The LORD ... saveth such as be of a contrite spirit. -- Psalm 34:18

58. Have the Son of God.

    God hath given to us eternal life, and this life is in his Son. He that hath the Son hath life; and he that hath not the Son of God hath not life. -- 1 John 5:11-12

59. Don't be deluded by God.

    God shall send them strong delusion, that they should believe a lie: That they all might be damned. -- 2 Thessalonians 2:11-12

60. Don't be blinded by God.

    Israel hath not obtained that which he seeketh for; but the election hath obtained it, and the rest were blinded. ... God hath given them the spirit of slumber, eyes that they should not see, and ears that they should not hear;) unto this day. ... Let their eyes be darkened, that they may not see. -- Romans 11:7-10

61. Bear good fruit.

    Every tree that bringeth not forth good fruit is hewn down, and cast into the fire. -- Matthew 7:19, Luke 3:9, 13:9

62. Be grafted in.

    And they also, if they abide not still in unbelief, shall be graffed in: for God is able to graff them in again. -- Romans 11:23

63. Be chosen, not just called.

    For many are called, but few are chosen. -- Matthew 22:14, 20:16

    God hath from the beginning chosen you to salvation. -- 2 Thessalonians 2:13

64. Be perfect.

    Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect. -- Matthew 5:48

65. Be meek.

    When God arose to judgment, to save all the meek of the earth. -- Psalm 76:9

    Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth. -- Matthew 5:5

66. Be washed by the Holy Ghost.

    Not by works of righteousness which we have done, but according to his mercy he saved us, by the washing of regeneration, and renewing of the Holy Ghost. -- Titus 3:5

67. Get your sins remitted by someone who has received the Holy Ghost. (Or who has been breathed on by Jesus)

    And when he had said this, he breathed on them, and saith unto them, Receive ye the Holy Ghost: Whosesoever sins ye remit, they are remitted unto them; and whose soever sins ye retain, they are retained. -- John 20:22-23

68. Be pure in heart.

    Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see God. -- Matthew 5:8

69. Be upright in heart.

    My defence is of God, which saveth the upright in heart. -- Psalm 7:10

70. Be converted and become like a little child.

    Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven. -- Matthew 18:3, Mark 10:15

71. Be a saint.

    The LORD ... forsaketh not his saints; they are preserved for ever.. -- Psalm 37:28

72. Be a child of the needy.

    He shall save the children of the needy. -- Psalm 72:4

73. Be persecuted for righteousness sake.

    Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness' sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. -- Matthew 5:10

74. Be righteous.

    Righteousness delivereth from death. -- Proverbs 10:2, 11:4

    And these shall go away into everlasting punishment: but the righteous into life eternal. -- Matthew 25:46

75. Be more righteous than the scribes and Pharisees.

    Except your righteousness shall exceed the righteousness of the scribes and Pharisees, ye shall in no case enter into the kingdom of heaven. -- Matthew 5:20

76. Forsake all that you have.

    Whosoever he be of you that forsaketh not all that he hath, he cannot be my disciple. -- Luke 14:33

77. Hate your own life.

    The man who loves his life will lose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life. John 12:25

78. Lose your life.

    Whosoever shall lose his life shall preserve it. -- Luke 17:33

79. Lose your life for Christ's sake.

    For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it. -- Matthew 10:39, 16:25, Mark 8:35, Luke 9:24, 17:33

80. Belong to a household that has at least one believer.

    And they said, Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, and thou shalt be saved, and thy house. -- Acts 16:31

    For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy. -- 1 Corinthians 7:14

81. Get saved by your spouse.

    For what knowest thou, O wife, whether thou shalt save thy husband? or how knowest thou, O man, whether thou shalt save thy wife? -- 1 Corinthians 7:16

82. Follow the commandments (at least some of them).

    If you want to enter into life, keep the commandments. He saith unto him, Which? Jesus said, Thou shalt do no murder, Thou shalt not commit adultery, Thou shalt not steal, Thou shalt not bear false witness, Honour thy father and thy mother: and, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. -- Matthew 19:17-19

    And when he was gone forth into the way, there came one running, and kneeled to him, and asked him, Good Master, what shall I do that I may inherit eternal life? ... Thou knowest the commandments, Do not commit adultery, Do not kill, Do not steal, Do not bear false witness, Defraud not, Honour thy father and mother. -- Mark 10:17-19

    Blessed are they that do his commandments, that they may have right to the tree of life. -- Revelation 22:14

83. Keep some of the commandments, give all your money to the poor, and follow Jesus.

    And a certain ruler asked him, saying, Good Master, what shall I do to inherit eternal life? ... Thou knowest the commandments, Do not commit adultery, Do not kill, Do not steal, Do not bear false witness, Honour thy father and thy mother. And he said, All these have I kept from my youth up. ...thou one thing: sell all that thou hast, and distribute unto the poor, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven: and come, follow me.-- Luke 18:18-22

84. Keep the commandments of God and the faith of Jesus.

    Here is the patience of the saints: here are they that keep the commandments of God, and the faith of Jesus. -- Revelation 14:12

85. Do the commandments and teach others to do them.

    Whosoever therefore shall break one of these least commandments, and shall teach men so, he shall be called the least in the kingdom of heaven: but whosoever shall do and teach them, the same shall be called great in the kingdom of heaven. -- Matthew 5:19

86. Sow to the Spirit.

    He that soweth to the Spirit shall of the Spirit reap life everlasting. -- Galatians 6:8

87. Endure to the end.

    He that endureth to the end shall be saved. -- Matthew 10:22, 24:13, Mark 13:13

88. Give diligence.

    Give diligence to make your calling and election sure. -- 2 Peter 1:10

89. Wait until you die and then have the Mormons baptize you (after you're dead).

    Else what shall they do which are baptized for the dead, if the dead rise not at all? why are they then baptized for the dead? -- 1 Corinthians 15:29

90. Wait until you die and then hear the voice of the Son of God.

    The dead shall hear the voice of the Son of God: and they that hear shall live. -- John 5:25

91. Be faithful unto death.

    Be thou faithful unto death, and I will give thee a crown of life. -- Revelation 2:10

92. Get buried with Jesus by being baptized into death.

    We are buried with him by baptism into death: that like as Christ was raised up from the dead by the glory of the Father, even so we also should walk in newness of life. For if we have been planted together in the likeness of his death, we shall be also in the likeness of his resurrection. -- Romans 6:4-5

93. Always wear a wedding garment.

    And when the king came in to see the guests, he saw there a man which had not on a wedding garment: And he saith unto him, Friend, how camest thou in hither not having a wedding garment? And he was speechless. Then said the king to the servants, Bind him hand and foot, and take him away, and cast him into outer darkness, there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth. -- Matthew 22:11-13

94. Don't get married. (Married people don't go to heaven.)

    They which shall be accounted worthy to obtain that world, and the resurrection from the dead, neither marry, nor are given in marriage. -- Luke 20:35

95. Have lots of babies (and be faithful, charitable, holy, and sober).

    And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived was in the transgression. Notwithstanding she shall be saved in childbearing, if they continue in faith and charity and holiness with sobriety. -- 1 Timothy 2:14-15

96. Become a eunuch for the kingdom of heaven's sake.

    There be eunuchs, which have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven's sake. He that is able to receive it, let him receive it. -- Matthew 19:12

97. Don't defile yourself with women. (Be a virgin male.)

    ...the hundred and forty and four thousand, which were redeemed from the earth. These are they which were not defiled with women; for they are virgins. -- Revelation 14:4

98. Don't love your family more than Jesus.

    He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. -- Matthew 10:37

99. Abandon your home and family for Jesus' name's sake.

    And every one that hath forsaken houses, or brethren, or sisters, or father, or mother, or wife, or children, or lands, for my name's sake, shall receive an hundredfold, and shall inherit everlasting life. -- Matthew 19:29, Mark 10:29-30, Luke 18:29-30

100. Hate your father, mother, wife, children, brothers, sisters, and your own life.

     If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children,and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple. -- Luke 14:26

101. Don't hate your brother.

     Whosoever hateth his brother is a murderer: and ye know that no murderer hath eternal life abiding in him. -- 1 John 3:15

102. Ask your parents to beat you with a rod.

     Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die. Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell. -- Proverbs 23:13-14

103. Receive a child in the name of Jesus.

     Whosoever shall receive this child in my name receiveth me: and whosoever shall receive me receiveth him that sent me. -- Luke 9:48a, Matthew 18:5

104. Receive a Christian.

     He that receiveth you receiveth me, and he that receiveth me receiveth him that sent me. -- Matthew 10:40

105. Receive a prophet in the name of a prophet.

     He that receiveth a prophet in the name of a prophet shall receive a prophet's reward. -- Matthew 10:41

106. Receive a righteous man in the name of a righteous man.

     He that receiveth a righteous man in the name of a righteous man shall receive a righteous man's reward. -- Matthew 10:41

107. Receive the gift of eternal life from God through Jesus.

     The gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord. -- Romans 6:23

108. Don't despise government or walk after flesh.

     The Lord knoweth how ... to reserve the unjust unto the day of judgment to be punished: But chiefly them that walk after the flesh in the lust of uncleanness, and despise government. -- 2 Peter 2:9-10

109. Don't resist the powers that be.

     Let every soul be subject unto the higher powers. For there is no power but of God: the powers that be are ordained of God. Whosoever therefore resisteth the power, resisteth the ordinance of God: and they that resist shall receive to themselves damnation. -- Romans 13:2

110. Mortify the deeds of your body.

     If ye through the Spirit do mortify the deeds of the body, ye shall live. -- Romans 8:13

111. Wash your wicked heart.

     Wash thine heart from wickedness, that thou mayest be saved. -- Jeremiah 4:14

112. Wash your face and anoint your head when you fast.

     When thou fastest, anoint thine head, and wash thy face; hat thou appear not unto men to fast, but unto thy Father which is in secret: and thy Father, which seeth in secret, shall reward thee openly. -- Matthew 6:17-18

113. Heed yourself and the doctrine.

     Take heed unto thyself, and unto the doctrine; continue in them: for in doing this thou shalt both save thyself, and them that hear thee. -- 1 Timothy 4:16

114. Get saved by Jesus' name.

     Neither is there salvation in any other: for there is none other name [beside's Jesus'] under heaven given among men, whereby we must be saved. -- Acts 4:12

115. Get saved by God's name.

     Save me, O God, by thy name. -- Psalm 54:1

116. Get saved by God's shining face.

     Turn us again, O God, and cause thy face to shine; and we shall be saved. -- Psalm 80:3, 7, 19

117. Get saved by the angel of his presence.

     The angel of his presence saved them. -- Isaiah 63:9

118. Don't doubt.

     He that doubteth is damned. -- Romans 14:23

119. Don't fall away after you're saved.

     For it is impossible for those who were once enlightened, and have tasted of the heavenly gift, and were made partakers of the Holy Ghost, And have tasted the good word of God, and the powers of the world to come, If they shall fall away, to renew them again unto repentance. -- Hebrews 6:4-6

120. Don't eat your own vomit.

     For it had been better for them not to have known the way of righteousness, than, after they have known it, to turn from the holy commandment delivered unto them. But it is happened unto them according to the true proverb, The dog is turned to his own vomit again; and the sow that was washed to her wallowing in the mire. -- 2 Peter 2:21-22

121. Don't blaspheme the Holy Ghost

     He that shall blaspheme against the Holy Ghost hath never forgiveness, but is in danger of eternal damnation. -- Mark 3:29, Matthew 12:31-32, Luke 12:10

122. Don't let God make you wicked.

     The LORD hath made all things for himself: yea, even the wicked for the day of evil. -- Proverbs 16:4

123. Be converted from the error of your ways.

     Let him know, that he which converteth the sinner from the error of his way shall save a soul from death. -- James 5:20

124. Turn yourself over to Satan for the destruction of the flesh so your spirit may be saved. (For fornicators only.)

     It is reported commonly that there is fornication among you ... deliver such an one unto Satan for the destruction of the flesh, that the spirit may be saved in the day of the Lord Jesus. -- 1 Corinthians 5:1-5

125. Make friends with the mammon of unrighteousness.

     Make to yourselves friends of the mammon of unrighteousness; that, when ye fail, they may receive you into everlasting habitations. Luke 16:9

126. Make a feast for the poor, maimed, lame, and blind.

     But when thou makest a feast, call the poor, the maimed, the lame, the blind: And thou shalt be blessed; for they cannot recompense thee: for thou shalt be recompensed at the resurrection of the just. Luke 14:13-14:

127. Enter at the strait gate.

     Then said one unto him, Lord, are there few that be saved? And he said unto them, Strive to enter in at the strait gate: for many, I say unto you, will seek to enter in, and shall not be able. -- Luke 13:23-24

128. Enter through the Jesus door.

     I am the door: by me if any man enter in, he shall be saved. -- John 10:9

129. Return and Rest.

     In returning and rest shall ye be saved. -- Isaiah 30:15

130. Don't look back.

     Jesus said unto him, No man, having put his hand to the plough, and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God. -- Luke 9:62

131. Become a truth-telling child of God.

     Surely they are my people, children that will not lie: so he was their Saviour. -- Isaiah 63:8

132. Become an Israeli citizen.

     Israel shall be saved in the LORD with an everlasting salvation. -- Isaiah 45:17

     And so all Israel shall be saved: as it is written, There shall come out of Sion the Deliverer, and shall turn away ungodliness from Jacob. -- Romans 11:26

133. Obtain mercy through Jewish unbelief.

     For as ye in times past have not believed God, yet have now obtained mercy through their [Jewish] unbelief. -- Romans 11:30

     God hath concluded them [the Jews] all in unbelief, that he might have mercy upon all. -- Romans 11:32

134. Be an unbelieving Jew.

     Even so have these [Jews] also now not believed, that through your mercy they also may obtain mercy. -- Romans 11:31

135. Don't be a Jew.

     But the children of the kingdom shall be cast out into outer darkness: there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth. -- Matthew 8:12

136. Don't be a serpent or a viper, and make sure none of your ancestors were prophet killers.

     Ye are the children of them which killed the prophets ... Ye serpents, ye generation of vipers, how can ye escape the damnation of hell? -- Matthew 23:31-33

137. Don't be an unrighteous fornicator, idolater, adulterer, effeminate, thief, covetous, drunkard, reviler, extortioner, or an abuser of yourself with mankind.

     The unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind, Nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners, shall inherit the kingdom of God. -- 1 Corinthians 6:9-10

138. Don't be fearful, unbelieving, abominable, murdering, whore mongering, a sorcerer, an idolater, or a liar.

     The fearful, and unbelieving, and the abominable, and murderers, and whoremongers, and sorcerers, and idolaters, and all liars, shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone: which is the second death. -- Revelation 21:8

139. Fear God.

     The fear of the LORD is a fountain of life, to depart from the snares of death. -- Proverbs 14:27

140. Fear God and cry a lot while praying.

     [Jesus] who in the days of his flesh, when he had offered up prayers and supplications with strong crying and tears unto him that was able to save him from death, and was heard in that he feared. -- Hebrews 5:7

141. Don't let your eye become evil.

     But if thine eye be evil, thy whole body shall be full of darkness. If therefore the light that is in thee be darkness, how great is that darkness! -- Matthew 6:23

142. Pluck out your eye if it offends you.

     And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell. -- Matthew 5:29-30, 18:8-9, Mark 9:43-49

143. Cut off your right hand if it offends you.

     If thy right hand offend thee, cut it off, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell. -- Matthew 5:29-30, 18:8-9, Mark 9:43-49

144. Don't let your left hand know what your right hand is doing.

     Let not thy left hand know what thy right hand doeth: That thine alms may be in secret: and thy Father which seeth in secret himself shall reward thee openly. -- Matthew 6:4-5

145. Be ordained to eternal life.

     As many as were ordained to eternal life believed. -- Acts 13:48

146. Be drawn by by the Father.

     No one can come to me unless the Father who sent me draws him, and I will raise him up at the last day. John 6:44

147. Be elected by God before you're born.

     For the children being not yet born, neither having done any good or evil, that the purpose of God according to election might stand, not of works, but of him that calleth. -- Romans 9:11

     Knowing, brethren beloved, your election of God. -- 1 Thessalonians 1:4

148. Don't be ashamed of Jesus.

     Whosoever therefore shall be ashamed of me and of my words in this adulterous and sinful generation; of him also shall the Son of man be ashamed, when he cometh in the glory of his Father with the holy angels. -- Mark 8:38, Luke 9:26

149. Don't let anyone see you do anything good.

     Take heed that ye do not your alms before men, to be seen of them: otherwise ye have no reward of your Father which is in heaven. -- Matthew 6:1

150. Don't let anyone say anything nice about you.

     Woe unto you, when all men shall speak well of you! -- Luke 6:26

151. Don't love the world or the things in it.

     Love not the world, neither the things that are in the world. If any man love the world, the love of the Father is not in him. -- 1 John 2:15

152. Don't be a friend to the world.

     Whosoever therefore will be a friend of the world is the enemy of God. -- James 4:4

153. Be given by the Father and come to the Son.

     All that the Father giveth me shall come to me; and him that cometh to me I will in no wise cast out. -- John 6:37

154. Come to the Father by Jesus.

     Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me. -- John 14:6

155. Be given by God to Jesus (or whatever).

     These words spake Jesus, and lifted up his eyes to heaven, and said, Father, the hour is come; glorify thy Son, that thy Son also may glorify thee: As thou hast given him power over all flesh, that he should give eternal life to as many as thou hast given him. -- John 17:1-2

156. Be saved by Jesus' life (if you're a friend) or by his death (if your an enemy).

     For if, when we were enemies, we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, being reconciled, we shall be saved by his life. -- Romans 5:10

157. Don't get circumcised.

     Behold, I Paul say unto you, that if ye be circumcised, Christ shall profit you nothing ... ye are fallen from grace. -- Galatians 5:2-4

158. Be dead in your sins and uncircumcised flesh, and then let God quicken you with Christ.

     But God ... when we were dead in sins, hath quickened us together with Christ. -- Ephesians 2:4-5

159. Be chosen from the beginning.

     But we are bound to give thanks alway to God for you, brethren beloved of the Lord, because God hath from the beginning chosen you to salvation. -- 2 Thessalonians 2:13

     And you, being dead in your sins and the uncircumcision of your flesh, hath he quickened together with him, having forgiven you all trespasses. -- Colossians 2:13

160. Be predestinated by God.

     For whom he did foreknow, he also did predestinate ... Moreover whom he did predestinate, them he also called: and whom he called, them he also justified: and whom he justified, them he also glorified. -- Romans 8:29-30

     He hath chosen us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and without blame before him in love. Having predestinated us ... according to the good pleasure of his will. -- Ephesians 1:4-5

161. Give your excess food and clothes to the poor.

     The people asked him [John the Baptist], saying, What shall we do then? He answereth ... He that hath two coats, let him impart to him that hath none; and he that hath meat, let him do likewise. Luke 3:10-11

162. Be poor, not rich.

     He shall ... save the souls of the needy. -- Psalm 72:13

     Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. --Matthew 5:3

     Blessed be ye poor: for yours is the kingdom of God. ... But woe unto you that are rich! for ye have received your consolation. -- Luke 6:20, 24

     Verily I say unto you, That a rich man shall hardly enter into the kingdom of heaven. And again I say unto you, It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God. -- Matthew 19:23-24

     Ye rich men, weep and howl for your miseries that shall come upon you. -- James 5:1

163. Be poor in this world, be rich in faith, and love God.

     Hath not God chosen the poor of this world rich in faith, and heirs of the kingdom which he hath promised to them that love him? -- James 2:5

164. Be sad.

     Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted. -- Matthew 5:4

165. Cry a lot.

     Then they cried unto the LORD in their trouble, and he saved them. -- Psalm 107:13, 19

     Blessed are ye that weep now: for ye shall laugh. -- Luke 6:21

166. Don't laugh.

     Woe unto you that laugh now! for ye shall mourn and weep. -- Luke 6:25

167. Be last.

     But many that are first shall be last; and the last shall be first. -- Matthew 19:30, 20:16; Mark 10:31; Luke 13:30

168. Be least.

     He that is least among you all, the same shall be great. -- Luke 9:48b

169. Eat the bread that comes down from heaven.

     This is the bread which cometh down from heaven, that a man may eat thereof, and not die. -- John 6:50

170. Eat Jesus' body and drink his blood.

     Except ye eat the flesh of the Son of man, and drink his blood, ye have no life in you. Whoso eateth my flesh, and drinketh my blood, hath eternal life; and I will raise him up at the last day. -- John 6:53-54

171. Have faith in Jesus' blood.

     God hath set forth to be a propitiation through faith in his blood. -- Romans 3:25

172. Be saved and justified by Jesus' blood.

     Much more then, being now justified by his blood, we shall be saved from wrath through him. -- Romans 5:9

173. Make people revile you, persecute you, hate you, avoid you, say bad things about you, and call you names for Jesus' sake.

     Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake. -- Matthew 5:11

     Blessed are ye, when men shall hate you, and when they shall separate you from their company, and shall reproach you, and cast out your name as evil, for the Son of man's sake. Rejoice ye in that day, and leap for joy: for, behold, your reward is great in heaven. -- Luke 6:22-23

174. Follow peace and holiness with all men.

     Follow peace with all men, and holiness, without which no man shall see the Lord. -- Hebrews 12:14

175. Take heaven by force.

     From the days of John the Baptist until now the kingdom of heaven suffereth violence, and the violent take it by force. Matthew 11:12

176. Believe in the foolishness of preaching.

     For after that in the wisdom of God the world by wisdom knew not God, it pleased God by the foolishness of preaching to save them that believe. -- 1 Corinthians 1:21

177. Be innocent.

     He [God] shall deliver the island of the innocent. -- Job 22:30

178. Give alms to the poor. (May only work for Catholics.)

     Alms deliver from all sin, and from death, and will not suffer the soul to go into darkness. -- Tobit 4:11

179. Give a cup of water to a Christian.

     For whosoever shall give you a cup of water to drink in my name, because ye belong to Christ, verily I say unto you, he shall not lose his reward. -- Matthew 10:42, Mark 9:41

180. Love Christians.

     We know that we have passed from death unto life, because we love the brethren. He that loveth not his brother abideth in death. -- 1 John 3:14

181. Love your enemies, do good to them, and give them lots of money.

     But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. -- Luke 6:35, Matthew 5:44-45

182. Love God and your neighbor.

     He said unto him, What is written in the law? how readest thou? And he answering said, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy strength, and with all thy mind; and thy neighbour as thyself. And he said unto him, Thou hast answered right: this do, and thou shalt live. -- Luke 10:26-28

183. Be a peacemaker.

     Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God. -- Matthew 5:9

184. Feed the hungry, give drink to the thirsty, take in strangers, clothe the naked, visit the sick and imprisoned.

     Then shall the King say unto them on his right hand, Come, ye blessed of my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world. For I was an hungred, and ye gave me meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me drink: I was a stranger, and ye took me in: Naked, and ye clothed me: I was sick, and ye visited me: I was in prison, and ye came unto me. -- Matthew 25:34-36

185. Be merciful.

     Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy. -- Matthew 5:7

     For he shall have judgment without mercy, that hath shewed no mercy; and mercy rejoiceth against judgment. -- James 2:13

186. Forgive people.

     For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. Matthew 6:14

187. Don't judge.

     Judge not, and ye shall not be judged. -- Matthew 7:1, Luke 6:37

188. Be humble.

     He [God] shall save the humble person. -- Job 22:29

     Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven. -- Matthew 7:1

     He that humbleth himself shall be exalted. -- Luke 14:11

189. Love the truth.

     And with all deceivableness of unrighteousness in them that perish; because they received not the love of the truth, that they might be saved. -- 2 Thessalonians 2:10

190. Do good. Avoid evil.

     Depart from evil, and do good; and dwell for evermore. -- Psalm 37:27

191. Don't pray in public.

     And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward. -- Matthew 6:5

192. Be saved by other people's unbelief.
     (You can have some of mine; I've got plenty.)

     For as ye in times past have not believed God, yet have now obtained mercy through their unbelief. -- Romans 11:30

193. Just ask.

     Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you: For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened. -- Matthew 7:7-8

194. All you need is love.

     Love is of God; and every one that loveth is born of God. -- 1 John 4:7

     Wherefore I say unto thee, Her sins, which are many, are forgiven; for she loved much. -- Luke 7:47

It is filled with preemptive war and genocidal ethnic cleansing, that the author clearly supported and glorified. But since the book makes no mention of God, directly or indirectly, it's difficult to blame God for the killings -- or claim that he inspired them, or even approved of them, for that matter. (Except in the sense that since God inspired the author of the Book of Esther, he approved of whatever the author approved.)

Which is why the apocrypha comes in so handy.

Here are the first words of the additions to the Book of Esther, as taken from the Catholic Douay-Reims version.

Then Mardochai said: God hath done these things.

The folks at DRBO.org add this helpful note to Esther 10:4.

[4] Then Mardochai: Here St. Jerome advertiseth the reader, that what follows is not in the Hebrew, but is found in the septuagint Greek edition, which the seventy-two interpreters translated out of the Hebrew, or added by the inspiration of the Holy Ghost.

So we know that Esther 10:4 was added through the inspiration of the Holy Ghost, and that therefore, God was responsible for the killings in the Book of Esther.
(See also 10:10, 12; 11:12; 13:8, 18, 14:1-2, 15:3, 5; 16:10-18, and 21)

Thank God for the Apocrypha!

For some time now, I have wanted to add the Apocrypha (or what Catholics call the Deutero-canonical books) to the SAB. I've finally started with the book of Esther.

As I go along, I'll add the apocryphal killings to the list of killings in the Catholic Bible. That way, I'll have two lists: one for the Protestants and one for the Catholics.

And here's what I have to show for it.

A Bo (or Bodhi) tree, the tree that the Buddha sat under when he achieved enlightenment.

Well, OK, it wasn't this tree that Buddha supposedly sat under on the eighth day of the 12th lunar month (December 8th this year, I guess) in 596 BCE while being tempted by Mara (the Buddhist version of Satan) and his daughters, before driving them all away with an earthquake. But it was a tree of this species: Ficus religiosa.
(The tree in my picture was taken at the Foster Botanical Garden in Honolulu.)

After getting enlightened, the Buddha stood in front of the sacred tree and stared, without blinking, for an entire week.

Me, I just took a picture.

Or it might be Muhammad (pb&jbuh). It's hard to tell those two apart.

Via Why Evolution is True

Maybe that's why some Bible believers, such as Martin Luther, believed that it should be excluded from the Bible. In Luther's case, however, it probably had more to do with his extreme antisemitism. Because the point of the Book of Esther, if it has a point, is this: God loves Jews more than everyone else and anyone who has ever had a bad thought about them should be killed. (And Luther had lots of bad thoughts about Jews.)

There is a whole series of killings in Esther, mostly to avenge antisemitism. But since the Book of Esther does not mention God's name, it's difficult to blame him directly for these killings. Still, since Esther is included in the Bible, the God of the Bible must approve of the killings, insofar as a nonexistent being can approve of anything.

The Book of Esther also has an important message for women: your job in life is to look pretty and to please, honor, and obey men. If that means dancing naked in front of your husband's drunken guests, dance naked. Be an Esther, not a Vashti. (Which is, of course, bad advice. Vashti is the hero of the Book of Esther and she gets my vote for the best person in the Bible.)

So what about the Esther killings? Do they belong on God's list? Let me know what you think in the comments.

Here's the story.

After the Esther wins the dancing-naked-before-the-king contest, she goes on a killing spree.

She begins by telling the king to hang two men that her friend (Mordecai) said wanted to kill the king.

Two of the king's chamberlains ... sought to lay hands on the king Ahasuerus. And the thing was known to Mordecai, who told it unto Esther the queen; and Esther certified the king ... And when inquisition was made of the matter, it was found out; therefore they were both hanged on a tree. Esther 2:21-23

Then, for some strange reason, the king told everyone in the kingdom to bow and show reverence to a guy named Haman.

All the king's servants ... bowed, and reverenced Haman: for the king had so commanded. Esther 3:2a

But Esther's Jewish friend Mordecai refused.

But Mordecai bowed not, nor did him reverence. Esther 3:2b

So Haman, did what any proper Bible villain would do: he tried to kill every Jew in the kingdom.

When Haman saw that Mordecai bowed not, nor did him reverence, then was Haman full of wrath ... Wherefore Haman sought to destroy all the Jews that were throughout the whole kingdom. Esther 3:5-6

Haman offered to give the king 10,000 talents (~300,000 kg) of silver if he would kill all the Jews. And the king said, "OK, that sounds like a good idea. Let's kill all the Jews."

Haman said unto king Ahasuerus ... let it be written that they may be destroyed: and I will pay ten thousand talents of silver.

And the king took his ring from his hand, and gave it unto Haman ... the Jews' enemy.

And the king said unto Haman, The silver is given to thee, the people also, to do with them as it seemeth good to thee. Esther 3:8-10

The king sent out a decree to all the provinces declaring a kingdom-wide Kill-the-Jews Day. It was to take place on the 13th day of the 12th month. "All Jews, both young and old, little children and women" were to be killed on that day.

Letters were sent by posts into all the king's provinces, to destroy, to kill, and to cause to perish, all Jews, both young and old, little children and women, in one day, even upon the thirteenth day of the twelfth month. Esther 3:13

Haman, at his wife and friends' suggestion, decides to begin by building a 25 meter tall gallows to hang Mordecai on.

Then said Zeresh his wife and all his friends unto him, Let a gallows be made of fifty cubits high, and to morrow speak thou unto the king that Mordecai may be hanged thereon ... And the thing pleased Haman; and he caused the gallows to be made. Esther 5:14

Meanwhile, at one of the king's drunken parties, the king told Esther that he'd give her whatever she wanted, up to half the kingdom.

So the king and Haman came to banquet with Esther the queen. And the king said again unto Esther on the second day at the banquet of wine ... what is thy request? and it shall be performed, even to the half of the kingdom. Esther 7:1-3

Esther asks the king not to murder all the Jews. And the king says, "Huh? Who is trying to kill the Jews?" (The king had completely forgotten that he had ordered the genocide of the Jews back in chapter 3.)

The king ... said unto Esther ... Who is he, and where is he, that durst presume in his heart to do so? And Esther said, The adversary and enemy is this wicked Haman. Esther 7:5-6

So the king hangs Haman high.

So they hanged Haman on the gallows that he had prepared for Mordecai. Then was the king's wrath pacified. Esther 7:10

After hanging Haman at Esther's request, the king gave Esther (and her buddy Mordecai) Haman's ring and house.

The king took off his ring, which he had taken from Haman, and gave it unto Mordecai. And Esther set Mordecai over the house of Haman.

I have given Esther the house of Haman, and him they have hanged upon the gallows, because he laid his hand upon the Jews. Esther 8:1-7

Then, at Esther's request, the king ordered a preemptive strike on all 127 provinces from India to Ethiopia. Everyone who planned to kill Jews will be killed by Jews, along with their wives and children. And all this killing is to take place on a single day -- the day after the first decree ordered all the Jews to be killed. (How are the Jews to figure out who planned to kill them and who didn't? Were they supposed to just kill everyone and let God sort it out? And why did they need to kill the women and children?)

"Mordecai commanded ... the deputies and rulers of the provinces which are from India unto Ethiopia, an hundred twenty and seven provinces ... to destroy, to slay and to cause to perish, all the power of the people and province that would assault them, both little ones and women.

Upon one day in all the provinces ... the Jews should be ready against that day to avenge themselves on their enemies. Esther 8:9-13

On the day when all Jew-haters (and their families) were killed by Jews, "the Jews had light, and gladness, and joy, and honour ... a feast and a good day." (Esther 8:16-17a)

But many of the Jew-haters became Jews rather than be killed for wanting to kill Jews.

Many of the people of the land became Jews; for the fear of the Jews fell upon them. Esther 8:17b

So the Jews kill everyone who ever had a bad thought toward them, along with their Jew-hating families.

The Jews had rule over them that hated them. The Jews gathered themselves together in their cities throughout all the provinces ... to lay hand on such as sought their hurt: and no man could withstand them; for the fear of them fell upon all people.
...
The Jews smote all their enemies with the stroke of the sword, and slaughter, and destruction, and did what they would unto those that hated them. Esther 9:1-5

They killed 500 men in Shushan.

In Shushan the palace the Jews slew and destroyed five hundred men. Esther 9:6

They killed the ten sons of Haman.

The ten sons of Haman the son of Hammedatha, the enemy of the Jews, slew they. Esther 9:10

Esther asks the king to kill all those who planned to kill the Jews and hang the already dead bodies of Haman's ten sons on trees.

The king said unto Esther the queen, The Jews have slain and destroyed five hundred men in Shushan the palace, and the ten sons of Haman ... what is thy request further? ... Then said Esther ... let it be granted to the Jews which are in Shushan to do to morrow also according unto this day's decree, and let Haman's ten sons be hanged.
...
And they hanged Haman's ten sons. Esther 9:12-13

Then the Jews killed another 300 men at Shushan,

The Jews ... slew three hundred men at Shushan. Esther 9:15

And 75,000 other Jew-haters.

The other Jews ... slew of their foes seventy and five thousand. Esther 9:16

The day after killing all the Jew-haters and their families, the Jews took a day off to party. (This is the origin of the Jewish holiday of Purim.)

On the fourteenth day of the same rested they, and made it a day of feasting and gladness. Esther 9:17

And then, at Esther's request, the king hung Haman and his ten sons (again).

When Esther came before the king, he commanded ... that he [Haman] and his sons should be hanged on the gallows. Esther 9:25

After the killings, "Modecai the Jew was ... great among the Jews ... seeking the wealth of" the Jews. And so ends the Book of Esther.

Here is a list of the Esther killings:

People killed	Number	Esther verse
The two treasonous chamberlains	2	2:21-23
Haman	1	7:10
Men in Sushan	500	9:6
Haman's sons	10	9:12-13
More men in Sushan	300	9:15
People who planned to kill Jews on Kill-the-Jews Day	75,000	9:16
Total	75,813

Hundreds of millions of animals throughout the world will have their throats slit today just to make Allah happy.

It is amazing how much evil can be caused by an imaginary God.

Okay, Okay. I know it's kind of long, and you're a busy person. So go ahead and skip the first 28 and half minutes. You won't miss much.

2011 Bale Boone Symposium - Science & Religion: Are They Compatible? from UK Gaines Center on Vimeo.

For more on the debate controversy, see Jerry Coyne's blog.

Which is all very interesting. But if you are foolish enough to accept that racist explanation, you still have a problem. How did the seed of Cain survive Noah's flood?

Well, lucky for you, my racist friend, Mormon Scripture has the answer!

You've probably seen the pictures of Noah's family. They look a lot like this.

A nice, happy, white family. But if they were all white, where'd all the black people come from?

And that's where the Book of Abraham comes in.

Unless you're a Mormon, you've probably never heard of the Book of Abraham. It's not in that little blue book that the Mormon missionaries gave you (and that you've never looked at since). And Mormons don't like to talk about it much because it's horribly embarrassing to them. But it's in the Pearl of Great Price and is, therefore, a part of Mormon Scripture.

In it we learn that Pharaoh was descended from the testicles of Ham.

Pharaoh ... was a descendant from the loins of Ham, and was ... of the blood of the Canaanites by birth ... thus the blood of the Canaanites was preserved in the land. Abraham 1:20-22

(Ham was the guy who saw his father, Noah, drunk and naked in Genesis 9:20-25. For this crime, God cursed the descendants of Canaan, Ham's son, with slavery.)

Abe also tells us that Egypt was discovered (while it was still under water from the flood) by one of Ham's daughters, Egyptus. (She was named after her mother, Ham's wife, who was also named Egyptus, and who was, apparently, a black woman.)

The land of Egypt being first discovered by a woman, who was the daughter of Ham, and the daughter of Egyptus which in the Chaldean signifies Egypt, which signifies that which is forbidden. When this woman discovered the land it was under water, who afterward settled her sons in it; and thus, from Ham, sprang that race which preserved the curse in the land. Abraham 1:23-24

So Pharaoh was the son of Egyptus, who was the daughter of Ham and his wife Egyptyus, from "that race which preserved the curse in the land."

According to Mormon Scripture, then, black people are doubly cursed: they are the seed of Cain and the seed of Ham. Cursed by God for Cain's murder of Abel and cursed again because Ham saw his father (Noah) drunk and naked.

God darkened their skin and made them slaves, but that wasn't the worst of it. He also excluded them from the Mormon priesthood.

Pharaoh, the eldest son of Egyptus, the daughter of Ham ... Noah ... cursed him as pertaining to the Priesthood ... Pharaoh being of that lineage by which he could not have the right of Priesthood. Abraham 1:26-27

Until he changed his mind in 1978.

Remember the story about Adam and Eve, and Cain and Abel? (Genesis 4:1-17)

Adam and Eve have sex, Eve gets pregnant, and Cain ("a man from the Lord") is born.

And Adam knew Eve his wife; and she conceived, and bare Cain, and said, I have gotten a man from the LORD. Genesis 4:1

In the next verse, another son (Abel) is born.

And she again bare his brother Abel. Genesis 4:2a

Cain becomes a farmer, Abel tends sheep, and each offers a sacrifice to God. Cain gave God the fruit of his crops; Abel killed some firstborn sheep and gave God all the fat. God liked the fat more than the fruit. (How could they tell? Did God eat the fat while they watched?)

Abel was a keeper of sheep, but Cain was a tiller of the ground. Cain brought of the fruit of the ground an offering unto the LORD ... Abel ... the firstlings of his flock and of the fat thereof. And the LORD had respect unto Abel and to his offering: But unto Cain and to his offering he had not respect. Genesis 4:2b-5a

That made Cain mad and sad. So he talked things over with his little brother, Abel.

Then he killed him.

And Cain was very wroth, and his countenance fell.
...
Cain talked with Abel his brother ... and slew him. Genesis 4:4b-8

God dropped by and asked Cain where his brother was. Cain said, "I don't know. Am I my brother's keeper?"

And the LORD said unto Cain, Where is Abel thy brother? And he said, I know not: Am I my brother's keeper? Genesis 4:9

God cursed Cain for killing Abel, making him a fugitive and vagabond.

Now art thou cursed ... a fugitive and a vagabond shalt thou be in the earth. Genesis 4:11-12

Cain told God that he was worried about people killing him, so God put a mark on Cain warning people not to kill him or vengeance would be taken on them seven times. (What were God and Cain worried about? There were only two other people alive at the time -- Cain's parents.)

Cain said unto the LORD ... every one that findeth me shall slay me. And the LORD said unto him, Therefore whosoever slayeth Cain, vengeance shall be taken on him sevenfold. And the LORD set a mark upon Cain, lest any finding him should kill him. Genesis 4:13-15

Then Cain went off east of Eden in the land of Nod, got married, raised a family, built a city, and did all the things you'd expect a fugitive and vagabond to do on a planet with a total population of 3.

And Cain went out from the presence of the LORD, and dwelt in the land of Nod, on the east of Eden. And Cain knew his wife; and she conceived, and bare Enoch: and he builded a city, and called the name of the city, after the name of his son, Enoch. Genesis 4:16-17

But what was the mark that God put on Cain? Was it a sign on his forehead saying, "I killed my brother, but don't kill me or God will kill you seven times"? The Bible doesn't say.

Lucky for us and Mitt Romney, Mormon Scripture does! (More or less, anyway.)

There are four books in Mormon Scripture: The Bible, the Book of Mormon, the Doctrine and Covenants, and the Pearl of Great Price. And one of the books in the Pearl of Great Price is the Book of Moses.

Here's what Moses had to say about the seed of Cain.

And Enoch also beheld the residue of the people which were the sons of Adam; and they were a mixture of all the seed of Adam save it was the seed of Cain, for the seed of Cain were black, and had not place among them. Moses 7:22

So Mormon scripture says that the seed of Cain are black and God put a mark on Cain. Someone should ask Mitt Romney if the two things are one and the same.

Maybe it should be (Herman) Cain.

Many of our children shall perish in the flesh because of unbelief, nevertheless, God will be merciful unto many; and our children shall be restored, that they may come to that which will give them the true knowledge of their Redeemer. 2 Nephi 10:2

And now, for the first time, God reveals the last name of the Redeemer -- Christ.

Christ -- for in the last night the angel spake unto me that this should be his name. 2 Nephi 10:3a

Which is really cool, isn't it? An angel revealed Jesus H. Christ's last name 2600 years before Jesus was born!

(In the 1830 version of the Book of Mormon, Jesus' name is revealed in a bit earlier. 1 Nephi 12:18 read, "...Jesus Christ, which is the Lamb of God, of whom the Holy Ghost beareth record..." The LDS church changed "Jesus Christ" to "Messiah" so the angel wouldn't have to reveal it twice.)

The angel also told Jacob about Jews. They are, he said, the most wicked people on earth. Only Jews would crucify God.

The Jews ... are the more wicked part of the world; and they shall crucify him ... there is none other nation on earth that would crucify their God. For should the mighty miracles be wrought among other nations they would repent, and know that he be their God. 2 Nephi 10:3b-4

And because Jews are so darned evil, God will send them destruction, famines, diseases, and bloodshed. Most will be killed and the rest scattered.

Because of their iniquities, destructions, famines, pestilences, and bloodshed shall come upon them; and they who shall not be destroyed shall be scattered among all nations. 2 Nephi 10:6

But someday the Jews will believe in Jesus and return to Israel. (The prophecy was fulfilled in 1948 when every Jew became Christian and Israel became an independent state.)

When the day cometh that they shall believe in me, that I am Christ ... they shall be restored ... unto the lands of their inheritance. 2 Nephi 10:7

In the meantime, God will make the Gentiles (white, non-Catholic, Christian Americans) great (in the eyes of him, saith he).

The Gentiles shall be great in the eyes of me, saith God. 2 Nephi 10:8

The Gentile kings will be the Nephites' nursing fathers and their queens their nursing mothers. God will bless the Gentiles, while giving the land (America) to the Nephites (Mormons).

The kings of the Gentiles shall be nursing fathers unto them, and their queens shall become nursing mothers ... this land, said God, shall be a land of thine inheritance, and the Gentiles shall be blessed upon the land. 2 Nephi 10:9-10

America will be "a land of liberty" for Gentiles, with no kings allowed. (Not even nursing kings?)

This land shall be a land of liberty unto the Gentiles, and there shall be no kings upon the land. 2 Nephi 10:11

God will fortify this land (America) against all other nations and whoever is against Zion (the Mormon church) is a dead, anti-God, cosmopolitan whore.

I will fortify this land against all other nations. And he that fighteth against Zion shall perish, saith God. 2 Nephi 10:12-13

He that fighteth against Zion, both Jew and Gentile, both bond and free, both male and female, shall perish; for they are they who are the whore of all the earth; for they who are not for me are against me, saith our God. 2 Nephi 10:16

Non-Mormon Americans ("Gentiles") are the new Jews and will be both naughty and nice to Mormons, depending on how God feels at the moment.

I will afflict thy seed by the hand of the Gentiles; nevertheless, I will soften the hearts of the Gentiles, that they shall be like unto a father to them; wherefore, the Gentiles shall be blessed and numbered among the house of Israel. 2 Nephi 10:18

God blessed America and consecrated it to the seed of Nephi (Mormons). The United States is God's favorite country, and someday all Americans will worship him and become Mormons.

I will consecrate this land unto thy seed, and them who shall be numbered among thy seed, forever, for the land of their inheritance; for it is a choice land, saith God unto me, above all other lands, wherefore I will have all men that dwell thereon that they shall worship me, saith God. 2 Nephi 10:19

And make Mitt Romney their president.

There can be no doubt about this one. Here's why.

A Mormon believes that all scripture is inspired by God and is, therefore, true. One of the writings in LDS scripture is The Pearl of Great Price, which includes Joseph Smith -- History.

In his "History", Joseph Smith describes a meeting he had when he was 14 years old with God and Jesus. Joseph was confused about the various Christian sects, so he asked God to help him sort it all out. Here's what happened according to Mormon scripture.

Exerting all my powers to call upon God ... I saw a pillar of light exactly over my head, above the brightness of the sun, which descended gradually until it fell upon me. 16

A light, brighter than the sun, fell on Joseph, and two brightly shining men appeared above him in the air. One of them said to him, while pointing at the other shiny guy, "Joseph, this is my beloved son. Hear him!" (Jesus's dad is on the right.)

When the light rested upon me I saw two Personages, whose brightness and glory defy all description, standing above me in the air. One of them spake unto me, calling me by name and said, pointing to the other—This is My Beloved Son. Hear Him! 17

Which was really fortunate, since Joseph wanted to find out which of the Christian sects was right. Now that God and his son (Jesus, I'm thinking) had showed up, Joseph could just ask them directly. If anyone would know, they would.

My object in going to inquire of the Lord was to know which of all the sects was right, that I might know which to join. ... Therefore ... I asked the Personages who stood above me in the light, which of all the sects was right (for at this time it had never entered into my heart that all were wrong)—and which I should join. 18

The more talkative one (Jesus' dad?) told Joseph that he should "join none of them, for they were all wrong" and that "all their creeds were an abomination in his sight."

I was answered that I must join none of them, for they were all wrong; and the Personage who addressed me said that all their creeds were an abomination in his sight. 19

So if Mitt Romney is a Mormon, he believes that all non-Mormon Christian beliefs are wrong and an abomination in God's sight.

Either that or he believes that Joseph Smith was just making stuff up when he wrote Mormon scripture.

Someone should ask him which it is.

Matthew, Revelation, Luke, and Romans have the most injustices in the New Testament; and Jeremiah and Deuteronomy have the most in the Old.

Here's the Injustice Index plot, with the usual definition (highlighted passages / 100 verses).

Some of the smallest books have the largest Injustice Index, since although they only have a few unjust passages, they also have only a few dozen verses. Thus, 2 John, Jude, Titus, 2 Thessalonians, and 2 Peter compete with Revelation for the highest Injustice Index in the New Testament; and Amos, Zephaniah, Malachi, Obadiah, and Micah edge out Deuteronomy for the prize in the Old.

And the log-log plot with the more unjust books identified.

Here's a plot of the verses that I've highlighted at the SAB that are of some scientific interest (to me, anyway). I should mention that not all of the passages conflict with science and history, although most do.

Nothing too surprising here. The gospels, Revelation, and Acts have the most science passages highlighted in the New Testament; and Genesis has the most in the Old.

Here's the Science index plot, with the usual definition (highlighted passages / 100 verses).

And here's the log-log plot.

I should mention, in case you haven't already noticed, that when I say "Women," I mean "Insults to women, misogyny, etc." The Bible doesn't have much nice to say about women, but when it does, I put it in the "Good Stuff." The same is true for the other categories, except for "Interpretation" and "Sex."

Here is the overall plot.

First Corinthians has the most insults to women in the New Testament, while Genesis, Leviticus, and Ezekiel have the most in the Old.

The Women Index is defined in the usual way -- Insults per 100 verses.

First Timothy, Titus, and First Peter have the highest WI in the New Testament, and Hosea is highest in the Old.

Here is the log-log plot for Women.

I'll finish the analyses next week when I get back.

As you can see, there's not much sex in the New Testament. We've got the whore of Babylon in Revelation, Paul saying there's no time for sex because Jesus is coming in 1 Corinthians, and Jesus telling us to cut off whatever body part causes us to commit adultery in our hearts in Matthew. But that's about it.

No, for sex, stick with the Old Testament. The Song of Solomon, Genesis, Leviticus, and Ezekiel will keep you busy for a lifetime.

The Sex Index is defined in the usual way (Sexual encounters per 100 verses).

I think we have a winner here. Nothing beats the Song of Solomon for sex.

Matthew and Luke have the most Family Values in the New Testament and Genesis does in the Old.

And here's how it looks when size is accounted for. (Family Values Index is the number of Family Values per 100 verses.)

First Peter takes the FVI prize in the New Testament and Hosea, Esther, and Ruth win the Old Testament's gold, silver, and bronze Family Values medals.

And here is the log-log plot (minus the books with no family values).

Next: Injustice.

Revelation and Leviticus have the most cruelties in the New and Old Testaments, respectively. But notice that there are a few cruelty-free books in each. These won't show up in the log-log plot, since it is bad luck to take the log of zero.

Here is a plot of the Cruelty Index, which is defined in the usual way (Cruelties / 100 verses).

Revelation and Leviticus stay in first place even after adjusting for their relatively large sizes. These two are blood-red with cruelty.

And here's the log-log plot (without the cruelty-free books).

Next up: Family Values.

First I'll plot the number of contradictions in each book by testament.

Notice that the gospels have the most contradictions in the New Testament, as does Genesis in the Old. No big surprise there. But they are also rather big books. What happens if we take size into account?

We can do that with the Contradiction Index, which is just the number of contradictions per 100 verses. Here's what that looks like.

There are some surprises here. James is the most contradictory book of the New Testament, with Malachi taking the gold in the Old.

And here's a log-log plot of the number of contradictions versus the number of verses.

And now on to cruelty!

Here's the result with some of the more interesting books identified.
(Red = New Testament, Black = Old Testament)

Thanks Adam!

So it turns out that Luke has the most absurdities in the New Testament, with Revelation a close second. Luke didn't show up as an outlier in the regression analysis since it also has the most verses in the New Testament.

What we need is an Absurdity Index that will take into account the number of absurdities and the number of verses.

And here's what I came up with.

Absurdity Index = 100 * Number of Absurdities / Number of Verses

Which is the number of absurdities per 100 verses.

Here's the Absurdity Index dot chart.

Now we see that Revelation is the clear winner for the New Testament, but Leviticus only gets the Old Testament's bronze medal for Absurdity. The little books of Jonah and Haggai are the most absurd, as measured by the Absurdity Index.

And what about the book of Psalms? It looked like a low outlier in the regression analysis, but now it's buried near the bottom with a bunch little books. Ezra and Nehemiah have the lowest AIs, but that's not because they're good; it's because they are so damned boring.

Which will be the topic of my next Biblical Statistics post: The Boring Index.

And I've never seen a contradiction that a believer can't explain away in one way or another. Rarely, however, is a contradiction actually resolved with a straight answer.

So I've decided to help them out. I'm going to try to find Biblically Correct answers to all of the contradictions that I've listed. (They'll be given at the bottom of each contradiction.)

But first, I'll explain my approach. I begin with the believer's most sacred assumption, as stated in 2 Timothy 3:16: "All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof" etc.

So when scriptures disagree, I'll try to resolve the disagreement by using the scriptures themselves. I'll begin by listing the passages that favor each side of the contradiction. Then I'll count the number on each side and select the Biblically Correct answer by determining which side has the highest number of divinely inspired passages. Let the Holy Ghost vote on it, so to speak.

That should work for most contradictions, but what happens with a tie?

I don't have a simple answer to that, except to say that I will try to find a Biblically Correct way to resolve God's disagreement with himself.

So let's get started. Here is the first contradiction on the list.

How many men did the chief of David's captains kill?

800	300
2 Samuel 23:8 These be the names of the mighty men whom David had: The Tachmonite that sat in the seat, chief among the captains; the same was Adino the Eznite: he lift up his spear against eight hundred, whom he slew at one time. (KJV) These are the names of David's mighty men: Josheb-Basshebeth, a Tahkemonite, was chief of the Three; he raised his spear against eight hundred men, whom he killed in one encounter. (NIV) These are the names of the mighty men whom David had: Josheb-basshe'beth a Tah-che'monite; he was chief of the three; he wielded his spear against eight hundred whom he slew at one time. (RSV)	1 Chronicles 11:11 And this is the number of the mighty men whom David had; Jashobeam, an Hachmonite, the chief of the captains: he lifted up his spear against three hundred slain by him at one time. (KJV) this is the list of David's mighty men: Jashobeam, a Hacmonite, was chief of the officers; he raised his spear against three hundred men, whom he killed in one encounter. (NIV) This is an account of David's mighty men: Jasho'be-am, a Hach'monite, was chief of the three; he wielded his spear against three hundred whom he slew at one time. (RSV)
Note from the Oxford Annotated Bible for 2 Samuel 23:8-11: Josheb-basshebeth a Tachemonite is an error of a copyist; 1 Chr 11.11 has Jashobeam a Hachmonite. It has been proposed that the man's original name was Ishbaal (see 2.8 n. and 11.14-25 n.). So according to the Oxford Annotated Bible, Jashobeam and Josheb-basshe'beth (and Ishbaal) are different names for the same person.

Darn! Wouldn't you know it? The very first contradiction is a tie. First Chronicles says one thing and Second Samuel another. How will we ever know how many guys old what's-his-name impaled on his spear? This is important stuff, too. God wants us to know the answer. That's why he put it in the Bible -- twice.

Well, luckily when different versions of the same story are told in 1 Chronicles and 2 Samuel, we know which divinely inspired story to believe. First Chronicles was written several centuries after Second Samuel and the Chronicler used 2 Samuel as a source, so any conflict between them is easily resolved. The Biblically Correct answer is from 2 Samuel.

And just like that, the first contradiction is resolved. The answer is 800.

Wasn't that fun?

One of the categories in the SAB is absurdities, and the current list has a total of 2165, which is more than any other biblical category. The list changes all the time, though, as I find more fun stuff in the Bible. But if I wait until it's finished to do an analysis, an analysis will never get done.

Now I'm sure you often ask yourself the question, "Which book in the Bible is the most absurd?" We all do. It can make you crazier than a Tea Party presidential candidate if you're not careful.

So let's try to answer it. We can begin by plotting the total number of absurdities in each book of the Bible versus the number of verses in the book. Here's the resulting graph.

The graph tells us a few things right away.

1. Leviticus has the most absurdities (158).

2. There are three books that have an unusual number of absurdities for their sizes. Two high (Revelation and Leviticus) and one low (Psalms).

3. The number of absurdities increases with the number of verses in a more or less linear fashion. (The line on the graph is the zero intercept least squares regression model for the data after removing the three outliers.
   y = 0.0651 x, R² = 0.9049.)

Since I knew some of you would ask for it, I repeated the analysis for each testament separately. Here's the graph for the Old.
(Model, outliers excluded: y = 0.0617 x, R² = 0.8934)

And here's the New.
(Model, outlier excluded: y = 0.0770 x, R² = 0.9622)

The separate models are similar to each other and to the combined model. The same outliers are present and the coefficients are of nearly equal magnitude. So that leaves us with this:

1. Leviticus is the most absurd book in the Old Testament and Revelation is in the New. And the book of Psalms seems abnormally normal for such a large biblical book.

2. Generally we can expect to find about 6.5 absurdities in each 100 verses of the Bible.

OK. But which book is the weirdest? Leviticus or Revelation?

Well, here are their numbers.

	Absurdities	Verses	Absurdities per 100 verses
Leviticus	158	859	18.4
Revelation	94	404	23.3

So I guess I'd go with Revelation.

And now, my beloved brethren, I have read these things that ye might know concerning the covenants of the Lord that he has covenanted with all the house of Israel.

That he has spoken unto the Jews ... until the time comes that they shall be restored to the true church. 2 Nephi 9:1-2

But I'm going to skip all that. Isaiah sucks (the breasts of kings).

After the Isaiah break, Jacob returned to his 19th century, frontier American, Protestant sermon, which he delivered to the Nephites circa 550 BCE, warning them that they'll all burn in hell unless they repent, believe, and be baptized in the name of someone (Jesus H. Christ) who will not exist for another six centuries or so.

If they will not repent and believe in his name, and be baptized in his name ... they must be damned [to] hell ... the lake of fire and brimstone, which is endless torment. 2 Nephi 9:24-26

Then he takes off all his clothes and shakes them in front of his brethren, exposing himself in all of his glorious blood-free brightness to God's all-searching eye.

Behold, I take off my garments, and I shake them before you; I pray ... God ... view me with his all-searching eye ... that I stand with brightness before him, and am rid of your blood. 2 Nephi 9:44

And now, my brethren, I would speak unto you more; but on the morrow I will declare unto you the remainder of my words. Amen. 2 Nephi 9:54

Tomorrow is a Latter Day.

Here's Ms. Bachmann's version of the story. (It starts at 4:30.)

And here's what really happened according to the Bible (1 Samuel 14:1-14).
(As always, be sure to read the Brick Testament story.)

One day Jonathan and his armor bearer decided to go find some uncircumcised guys to kill. Who knows? Maybe God would help them.

Jonathan said to the young man that bare his armour, Come, and let us go over unto the garrison of these uncircumcised: it may be that the LORD will work for us. 1 Samuel 14:6

Jonathan's amorous armor bearer said to him, "Do whatever is in your heart. Whatever is in your heart is in my heart, too." (They had a very close, intimate relationship.)

So Jonathan told him his plan. They will go over to the Philistines and if they say, "Wait there and we'll come over to you," then Jonathan and his armor bearer will stay put. But if the Philistines say, "Come up to us, and we will show you something," then they will attack, knowing that God will help kill them.

Then said Jonathan, Behold, we will pass over unto these men, and we will discover ourselves unto them. If they say thus unto us, Tarry until we come to you; then we will stand still in our place, and will not go up unto them. But if they say thus, Come up unto us; then we will go up: for the LORD hath delivered them into our hand: and this shall be a sign unto us. 1 Samuel 14:8-10

So they did that. And when the Philistines saw them, they said, "Look the Hebrews have crawled out of the holes they were hiding in."

And both of them discovered themselves unto the garrison of the Philistines: and the Philistines said, Behold, the Hebrews come forth out of the holes where they had hid themselves. 1 Samuel 14:11

And then the Philistines said the magic words of doom, "Come on up and we'll show you a thing or two."

And the men of the garrison answered Jonathan and his armourbearer, and said, Come up to us, and we will shew you a thing. 1 Samuel 14:12a

When Jonathan heard that, he told his partner that God would help them kill the Philistines.

And Jonathan said unto his armourbearer, Come up after me: for the LORD hath delivered them into the hand of Israel. 1 Samuel 14:12b

So they crawled out of their hole and began to kill Philistines.

And Jonathan climbed up upon his hands and upon his feet, and his armourbearer after him: and they fell before Jonathan; and his armourbearer slew after him. 1 Samuel 14:12

They killed about 20 of them, all in an area of half an acre or so. Which is not too bad for a very first slaughter.

And that first slaughter, which Jonathan and his armourbearer made, was about twenty men, within as it were an half acre of land, which a yoke of oxen might plow. 1 Samuel 14:14

But it is quite different from Ms. Bachmann's story. In her version, Jonathan and his friend kill the entire Philistine army, not just 20 guys in a half-acre.

Here's what she says (6:30 in the video).

And what was amazing is that Jonathan and his compatriot soldier took the entire army down. ... That's what God is looking for today.

But she was sort of right. After the 1/2 acre slaughter, God sent an earthquake and then he forced the Philistines to kill each other.

And there was trembling ... and the earth quaked: so it was a very great trembling. ... The multitude melted away, and they went on beating down one another ... Every man's sword was against his fellow. 1 Samuel 14:15-20

I guess the point is the same, though. God wants us to kill uncircumcised people (Muslims, Catholics, Democrats, old people, the poor, etc.). He will do it himself if he has to, but he'd like our help. Otherwise he'll have to send earthquakes and hurricanes and then force us all to kill each other. And you wouldn't want that to happen, would you?

Is that pornographic? Did we really need to know how the Assyrians were hung, and how they ejaculated? Well, apparently God thinks so. Every word is profitable, right? Doug Wilson: On Being a Tricky Dancer

Pastor Doug quoted this pornographic passage from Ezekiel to defend a guy named Mark Driscoll, who is the featured speaker at next month's Christ Church conference, right here in Moscow, Idaho.

You see, Mark Driscoll "sees things."

Jesus shows him X-rated movies of people in his congregation having sex.

Here, I'll let MD tell you about it.

But, hey, Doug says, if God can talk about donkey dicks and horse-like splooge in Ezekiel 23:20 (for no apparent reason), then Mark Driscoll can talk about his dirty movies at the Christ Church conference.

You can register for the conference here.

Christian New Wire: Sexpert Pastor Mark Driscoll is Told, 'Enough is Enough'

Pyromaniacs: Pornographic Divination

Pyromaniacs: Let's not dance around the real issue

The Christian World View - Mark Driscoll: Is He Qualified To Lead?

It all has to do with the question that Byron York asked Michele Bachmann at the debate last Thursday night.

In 2006, when you were running for Congress, you described a moment in your life when your husband said you should study for a degree in tax law. You said you hated the idea, and then you explained: "But the Lord said, be submissive. Wives, you are to be submissive to your husband." As president, would you be submissive to your husband?

It was a surprisingly fair and balanced question for a debate sponsored by Fox News.

Ms. Bachmann didn't answer the question, of course. Instead she said that she respected her husband and was proud of their 28 kids.

And yet she believes she should be submissive to her husband in everything, as though he were God himself. She believes this because she believes in the Bible and the Bible says exactly that.

Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. Ephesians 5:22-24

Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord. Colossians 3:18

Wives, be in subjection to your own husbands. 1 Peter 3:1

Teach the young women to be ... obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed. Titus 2:4-5

So a vote for Michelle Bachmann is not a vote for her; it's a vote for her husband, Marcus.

And that might be OK with Bachmann's supporters. Marcus is, by all accounts, as bat-shit crazy as his wife. He loves Jesus just as much as she does (maybe even more).

But to vote for Marcus you must vote for Michele, which is something the Bible does not permit.

I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence. For Adam was first formed, then Eve. And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived was in the transgression. 1 Timothy 2:12-14

A woman president would have authority over men, and thereby cause the word of God to be blasphemed. (If, as Doug Wilson says, Titus 2:5 means anything.)

So those who agree with Michele Bachmann shouldn't vote for her.
(Neither, of course, should anyone else.)

Well then, here's what Jesus said about job creators.

Verily I say unto you, That a rich man job creator shall hardly enter into the kingdom of heaven. And again I say unto you, It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man job creator to enter into the kingdom of God. Matthew 19:23-24, Mark 10:25, Luke 18:25

Woe to you that are rich job creators! for ye have received your consolation. Luke 6:24

There was a certain rich man job creator, which was clothed in purple and fine linen, and fared sumptuously every day:

And there was a certain beggar named Lazarus, which was laid at his gate, full of sores,

And desiring to be fed with the crumbs which fell from the rich man's job creator's table: moreover the dogs came and licked his sores.

And it came to pass, that the beggar died, and was carried by the angels into Abraham's bosom: the rich man job creator also died, and was buried;

And in hell he lift up his eyes, being in torments, and seeth Abraham afar off, and Lazarus in his bosom.

And he cried and said, Father Abraham, have mercy on me, and send Lazarus, that he may dip the tip of his finger in water, and cool my tongue; for I am tormented in this flame.

But Abraham said, Son, remember that thou in thy lifetime receivedst thy good things, and likewise Lazarus evil things: but now he is comforted, and thou art tormented. Luke 16:19-25

Clearly, according to Jesus, job creators are going to hell. Their best hope for salvation is higher taxes. The more we tax them, the greater their chance of making it through the eye of the needle.

So let's save the job creators by taxing the hell out of them.

Here is a slide that was used in the program's Power Point presentation.

And here is the full description of Jesus "Mighty Warrior" Christ from Revelation 19 (verses 11-17).

And I saw heaven opened, and behold a white horse; and he that sat upon him was called Faithful and True, and in righteousness he doth judge and make war.

His eyes were as a flame of fire, and on his head were many crowns; and he had a name written, that no man knew, but he himself.

And he was clothed with a vesture dipped in blood: and his name is called The Word of God.

And the armies which were in heaven followed him upon white horses, clothed in fine linen, white and clean.

And out of his mouth goeth a sharp sword, that with it he should smite the nations: and he shall rule them with a rod of iron: and he treadeth the winepress of the fierceness and wrath of Almighty God.

And he hath on his vesture and on his thigh a name written, KING OF KINGS, AND LORD OF LORDS.

And I saw an angel standing in the sun; and he cried with a loud voice, saying to all the fowls that fly in the midst of heaven, Come and gather yourselves together unto the supper of the great God; hat ye may eat the flesh of kings, and the flesh of captains, and the flesh of mighty men, and the flesh of horses, and of them that sit on them, and the flesh of all men.

Yep, that's Just War Jesus for you.

He makes war, has eyes of fire, with many crowns on his head, a name that nobody knows but himself, has clothes dripping with blood, has another name called "the Word of God," leads an army of heavenly soldiers with a sharp sword sticking out of his mouth and an iron rod in his hand with a third set of names ("King of Kings and Lord of Lords") tattooed on his thigh (or scrotum), smiting nations and feeding the flesh of all the resulting dead human bodies to the birds.

Now that's a guy who'd enjoy launching a nuclear-armed Intercontinental Ballistic Missile!