1. Say the right things.

   For by thy words thou shalt be justified. -- Matthew 12:37

2. Do the right things. (Be a do-gooder.)

   And shall come forth; they that have done good, unto the resurrection of life. -- John 5:29

   I the Lord ... give every man according to his ways, and according to the fruit of his doings. -- Jeremiah 17:10

   For we must all appear before the jugment seat of Christ, that each one may receive the things done in the body, according to what he has done, whether good or bad. -- 2 Corinthians 5:10

3. Believe the right things.

   A man is justified by faith without the deeds of the law. -- Romans 3:28

   Therefore, being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. -- Romans 5:1

   A man is not justified by the works of the law, but by the faith of Jesus Christ. -- Galatians 2:16

   For by grace are ye saved through faith. -- Ephesians 2:8

4. Do and believe the right things.

   Faith, if it hath not works, is dead, being alone. -- James 2:17

5. Work your way to heaven.

   For you render to each one according to his works. -- Psalm 62:12

   For the Son of Man will come in the glory of His Father with His angels, and then He will reward each according to his works. -- Matthew 16.27

   And I saw the dead, small and great, stand before God; and the books were opened: and another book was opened, which is the book of life: and the dead were judged out of those things which were written in the books, according to their works. And the sea gave up the dead which were in it; and death and hell delivered up the dead which were in them: and they were judged every man according to their works. -- Revelation 20:12-13

   Therefore it is no great thing if his ministers also transform themselves into ministers of righteousness, whose end will be according to their works. -- 2 Corinthians 11:15

   The Father, who without partiality judges according to each one's work. -- 1 Peter 1:17

   What doth it profit, my brethren, though a man say he hath faith, and have not works? can faith save him? -- James 2:14, 17, 20, 24, 26

   I will give unto every one of you according to your works. -- Revelation 2:23

6. Burn your work.

   If any man's work shall be burned, he shall suffer loss: but he himself shall be saved; yet so as by fire. -- 1 Corinthians 3:15

7. Be hungry now and never get full.

   Blessed are ye that hunger now: for ye shall be filled. ... Woe unto you that are full! for ye shall hunger. -- Luke 6:21, 24

8. Hunger and thirst after righteousness.

   Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled. -- Matthew 5:6

9. Do what is lawful and right.

   When the wicked man turneth away from his wickedness ... and doeth that which is lawful and right, he shall save his soul. -- Ezekiel 18:27

10. Obey the law of the wise.

    The law of the wise is a fountain of life, to depart from the snares of death. -- Proverbs 13:14

11. Do God's will

    He that doeth the will of God abideth for ever. -- 1 John 2:17

12. Do the will of Jesus' father.

    Not every one that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven; but he that doeth the will of my Father which is in heaven. -- Matthew 7:21

13. Be a doer of the law.

    Who will render to each one according to his deeds. ... For not the hearers of the law are just in the sight of God, but the doers of the law will be justified. -- Romans 2:6, 13

14. Call on the name of the Lord.

    Whosoever shall call on the name of the Lord shall be saved. -- Acts 2:21, Romans 10:13

15. Call upon God.

    As for me, I will call upon God; and the LORD shall save me. -- Psalm 55:16

16. Trust in the Lord.

    The LORD shall ... save them, because they trust in him. -- Psalm 37:40

17. Get to know God.

    In flaming fire taking vengeance on them that know not God, and that obey not the gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ: Who shall be punished with everlasting destruction. -- 2 Thessalonians 1:8-9

18. Wait for him.

    Wait on the LORD, and he shall save thee. -- Proverbs 20:22

    Lo, this is our God; we have waited for him, and he will save us. -- Isaiah 25:9

19. Just look at him.

    Look unto me, and be ye saved. -- Isaiah 45:22

20. Get lost.

    The Son of man is come to save that which was lost. -- Matthew 18:11, Luke 19:10

21. Get lucky.

    I will have mercy on whom I will have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I will have compassion. ... Therefore hath he mercy on whom he will have mercy, and whom he will he hardeneth. ... Shall the thing formed say to him that formed it, Why hast thou made me thus? Hath not the potter power over the clay, of the same lump to make one vessel unto honour, and another unto dishonour? What if God, willing to shew his wrath, and to make his power known, endured with much longsuffering the vessels of wrath fitted to destruction: -- Romans 9:15-22

22. Hope.

    For we are saved by hope. -- Romans 8:24

23. Repent.

    Except ye repent, ye shall all likewise perish. -- Luke 13:3, 5

24. Don't be so darned wicked.

    When the wicked man turneth away from his wickedness that he hath committed, and doeth that which is lawful and right, he shall save his soul. -- Ezekiel 18:27

25. Don't offend the little ones.

    But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea. -- Matthew 18:6, Mark 9:14, Luke 17:2

26. Don't be filthy or naughty; receive the engrafted word.

    Lay apart all filthiness and superfluity of naughtiness, and receive with meekness the engrafted word, which is able to save your souls. -- James 1:21

27. Walk upright.

    Whoso walketh uprightly shall be saved. -- Proverbs 28:18

28. Don't lust.

    Then when lust hath conceived, it bringeth forth sin: and sin, when it is finished, bringeth forth death. -- James 1:15

29. Bridle your tongue.

    If any man among you seem to be religious, and bridleth not his tongue, but deceiveth his own heart, this man's religion is vain. -- James 1:26

30. Believe in Jesus.

    Whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. -- John 3:16

    He that believeth on the Son hath everlasting life. -- John 3:36

    Verily, verily, I say unto you, He that believeth on me hath everlasting life. -- John 6:47

    Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, and thou shalt be saved. -- Acts 16:31

31. See Jesus and believe in him.

    Every one which seeth the Son, and believeth on him, may have everlasting life: and I will raise him up at the last day. -- John 6:40

32. Confess with your mouth "Jesus is Lord" and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead.

    If thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved. -- Romans 10:9

33. Confess Jesus before men.

    Whosoever therefore shall confess me before men, him will I confess also before my Father which is in heaven. -- Matthew 10:32

    Whosoever shall confess me before men, him shall the Son of man also confess before the angels of God. -- Luke 12:8

34. Obey Jesus.

    And [Jesus] being made perfect, he became the author of eternal salvation unto all them that obey him. -- Hebrews 5:9

35. Hear the words of Jesus and believe in whoever sent him.

    He that heareth my word, and believeth on him that sent me, hath everlasting life. -- John 5:24

36. Hear and do the sayings of Jesus.

    Whosoever heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth them, I will liken him unto a wise man, which built his house upon a rock. -- Matthew 7:24

37. Keep Jesus' saying.

    If a man keep my saying, he shall never see death. -- John 8:51

38. Drink Jesus' water.

    Whosoever drinketh of the water that I shall give him shall never thirst; but the water that I shall give him shall be in him a well of water springing up into everlasting life. -- John 4:14

39. Be dead with Jesus.

    It is a faithful saying: For if we be dead with him, we shall also live with him: -- 2 Timothy 2:11

40. Be born again.

    Except a man be born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God. -- John 3:3

41. Be born of water and the spirit.

    Except a man be born of water and of the Spirit, he cannot enter into the kingdom of God. -- John 3:5

42. Believe and be baptized.

    He that believeth and is baptized shall be saved. -- Mark 16:16

43. Just get baptized (you can keep the filth of the flesh).

    Baptism doth also now save us (not the putting away of the filth of the flesh). -- 1 Peter 3:21

44. Have a contrite spirit.

    The LORD ... saveth such as be of a contrite spirit. -- Psalm 34:18

45. Don't be deluded by God.

    God shall send them strong delusion, that they should believe a lie: That they all might be damned. -- 2 Thessalonians 2:11-12

46. Don't be blinded by God.

    Israel hath not obtained that which he seeketh for; but the election hath obtained it, and the rest were blinded. ... God hath given them the spirit of slumber, eyes that they should not see, and ears that they should not hear;) unto this day. ... Let their eyes be darkened, that they may not see. -- Romans 11:7-10

47. Bear good fruit.

    Every tree that bringeth not forth good fruit is hewn down, and cast into the fire. -- Matthew 7:19, Luke 3:9, 13:9

48. Be grafted in.

    And they also, if they abide not still in unbelief, shall be graffed in: for God is able to graff them in again. -- Romans 11:23

49. Be chosen, not just called.

    For many are called, but few are chosen. -- Matthew 22:14, 20:16

    God hath from the beginning chosen you to salvation. -- 2 Thessalonians 2:13

50. Be perfect.

    Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect. -- Matthew 5:48

51. Be meek.

    When God arose to judgment, to save all the meek of the earth. -- Psalm 76:9

    Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth. -- Matthew 5:5

52. Be washed by the Holy Ghost.

    Not by works of righteousness which we have done, but according to his mercy he saved us, by the washing of regeneration, and renewing of the Holy Ghost. -- Titus 3:5

53. Get your sins remitted by someone who has received the Holy Ghost. (Or who has been breathed on by Jesus)

    And when he had said this, he breathed on them, and saith unto them, Receive ye the Holy Ghost: Whosesoever sins ye remit, they are remitted unto them; and whose soever sins ye retain, they are retained. -- John 20:22-23

54. Be pure in heart.

    Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see God. -- Matthew 5:8

55. Be upright in heart.

    My defence is of God, which saveth the upright in heart. -- Psalm 7:10

56. Be converted and become like a little child.

    Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven. -- Matthew 18:3, Mark 10:15

57. Be a child of the needy.

    he shall save the children of the needy. -- Psalm 72:4

58. Be persecuted for righteousness sake.

    Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness' sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. -- Matthew 5:10

59. Be righteous.

    Righteousness delivereth from death. -- Proverbs 10:2, 11:4

    And these shall go away into everlasting punishment: but the righteous into life eternal. -- Matthew 25:46

60. Be more righteous than the scribes and Pharisees.

    Except your righteousness shall exceed the righteousness of the scribes and Pharisees, ye shall in no case enter into the kingdom of heaven. -- Matthew 5:20

61. Forsake all that you have.

    Whosoever he be of you that forsaketh not all that he hath, he cannot be my disciple. -- Luke 14:33

62. Hate your own life.

    The man who loves his life will lose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life. John 12:25

63. Lose your life for Christ's sake.

    For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it. -- 10:39, Matthew 16:25, Mark 8:35, Luke 9:24, Luke 17:33

64. Belong to a household that has at least one believer.

    And they said, Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, and thou shalt be saved, and thy house. -- Acts 16:31

    For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy. -- 1 Corinthians 7:14

65. Get saved by your spouse.

    For what knowest thou, O wife, whether thou shalt save thy husband? or how knowest thou, O man, whether thou shalt save thy wife? -- 1 Corinthians 7:16

66. Save your whole family by hearing Simon's magic words.

    Call for Simon ... who shall tell thee words, whereby thou and all thy house shall be saved. -- Acts 11:13-14

67. Follow the commandments (at least some of them).

    If you want to enter into life, keep the commandments. He saith unto him, Which? Jesus said, Thou shalt do no murder, Thou shalt not commit adultery, Thou shalt not steal, Thou shalt not bear false witness, Honour thy father and thy mother: and, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. -- Matthew 19:17-19

    And when he was gone forth into the way, there came one running, and kneeled to him, and asked him, Good Master, what shall I do that I may inherit eternal life? ... Thou knowest the commandments, Do not commit adultery, Do not kill, Do not steal, Do not bear false witness, Defraud not, Honour thy father and mother. -- Mark 10:17-19

    Blessed are they that do his commandments, that they may have right to the tree of life. -- Revelation 22:14

68. Keep some of the commandments, give all your money to the poor, and follow Jesus.

    And a certain ruler asked him, saying, Good Master, what shall I do to inherit eternal life? ... Thou knowest the commandments, Do not commit adultery, Do not kill, Do not steal, Do not bear false witness, Honour thy father and thy mother. And he said, All these have I kept from my youth up....thou one thing: sell all that thou hast, and distribute unto the poor, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven: and come, follow me.-- Luke 18:18-22

69. Keep the commandments of God and the faith of Jesus.

    Here is the patience of the saints: here are they that keep the commandments of God, and the faith of Jesus. -- Revelation 14:12

70. Do the commandments and teach others to do them.

    Whosoever therefore shall break one of these least commandments, and shall teach men so, he shall be called the least in the kingdom of heaven: but whosoever shall do and teach them, the same shall be called great in the kingdom of heaven. -- Matthew 5:19

71. Sow to the Spirit.

    He that soweth to the Spirit shall of the Spirit reap life everlasting. -- Galatians 6:8

72. Endure to the end.

    He that endureth to the end shall be saved. -- Matthew 10:22, 24:13, Mark 13:13

73. Wait until you die and then have the Mormons baptize you (after you're dead).

    Else what shall they do which are baptized for the dead, if the dead rise not at all? why are they then baptized for the dead? -- 1 Corinthians 15:29

74. Wait until you die and then hear the voice of the Son of God.

    The dead shall hear the voice of the Son of God: and they that hear shall live. -- John 5:25

75. Be faithful unto death.

    Be thou faithful unto death, and I will give thee a crown of life. -- Revelation 2:10

76. Get buried with Jesus by being baptized into death.

    We are buried with him by baptism into death: that like as Christ was raised up from the dead by the glory of the Father, even so we also should walk in newness of life. For if we have been planted together in the likeness of his death, we shall be also in the likeness of his resurrection. -- Romans 6:4-5

77. Always wear a wedding garment.

    And when the king came in to see the guests, he saw there a man which had not on a wedding garment: And he saith unto him, Friend, how camest thou in hither not having a wedding garment? And he was speechless. Then said the king to the servants, Bind him hand and foot, and take him away, and cast him into outer darkness, there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth. -- Matthew 22:11-13

78. Don't get married. (Married people don't go to heaven.)

    They which shall be accounted worthy to obtain that world, and the resurrection from the dead, neither marry, nor are given in marriage. -- Luke 20:35

79. Have lots of babies (and be faithful, charitable, holy, and sober).

    And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived was in the transgression. Notwithstanding she shall be saved in childbearing, if they continue in faith and charity and holiness with sobriety. -- 1 Timothy 2:14-15

80. Become a eunuch for the kingdom of heaven's sake.

    There be eunuchs, which have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven's sake. He that is able to receive it, let him receive it. -- Matthew 19:12

81. Don't defile yourself with women. (Be a virgin male.)

    ...the hundred and forty and four thousand, which were redeemed from the earth. These are they which were not defiled with women; for they are virgins. -- Revelation 14:4

82. Don't love your family more than Jesus.

    He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. -- Matthew 10:37

83. Abandon your home and family for Jesus' name's sake.

    And every one that hath forsaken houses, or brethren, or sisters, or father, or mother, or wife, or children, or lands, for my name's sake, shall receive an hundredfold, and shall inherit everlasting life. -- Matthew 19:29, Mark 10:29-30, Luke 18:29-30

84. Hate your father, mother, wife, children, brothers, sisters, and your own life.

    If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children,and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple. -- Luke 14:26

85. Don't hate your brother.

    Whosoever hateth his brother is a murderer: and ye know that no murderer hath eternal life abiding in him. -- 1 John 3:15

86. Ask your parents to beat you with a rod.

    Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die. Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell. -- Proverbs 23:13-14

87. Receive a child in the name of Jesus.

    Whosoever shall receive this child in my name receiveth me: and whosoever shall receive me receiveth him that sent me. -- Luke 9:48a

88. Receive a Christian.

    He that receiveth you receiveth me, and he that receiveth me receiveth him that sent me. -- Matthew 10:40

89. Receive a prophet in the name of a prophet.

    He that receiveth a prophet in the name of a prophet shall receive a prophet's reward. -- Matthew 10:41

90. Receive a righteous man in the name of a righteous man.

    He that receiveth a righteous man in the name of a righteous man shall receive a righteous man's reward. -- Matthew 10:41

91. Receive the gift of eternal life from God through Jesus.

    The gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord. -- Romans 6:23

92. Don't despise government or walk after flesh.

    The Lord knoweth how ... to reserve the unjust unto the day of judgment to be punished: But chiefly them that walk after the flesh in the lust of uncleanness, and despise government. -- 2 Peter 2:9-10

93. Don't resist the powers that be.

    Let every soul be subject unto the higher powers. For there is no power but of God: the powers that be are ordained of God. Whosoever therefore resisteth the power, resisteth the ordinance of God: and they that resist shall receive to themselves damnation. -- Romans 13:2

94. Wash your wicked heart.

    Wash thine heart from wickedness, that thou mayest be saved. -- Jeremiah 4:14

95. Wash your face and anoint your head when you fast.

    When thou fastest, anoint thine head, and wash thy face; hat thou appear not unto men to fast, but unto thy Father which is in secret: and thy Father, which seeth in secret, shall reward thee openly. -- Matthew 6:17-18

96. Heed yourself and the doctrine.

    Take heed unto thyself, and unto the doctrine; continue in them: for in doing this thou shalt both save thyself, and them that hear thee. -- 1 Timothy 4:16

97. Get saved by Jesus' name.

    Neither is there salvation in any other: for there is none other name [beside's Jesus'] under heaven given among men, whereby we must be saved. -- Acts 4:12

98. Get saved by God's name.

    Save me, O God, by thy name. -- Psalm 54:1

99. Get saved by God's shining face.

    Turn us again, O God, and cause thy face to shine; and we shall be saved. -- Psalm 80:3, 7, 19

100. Don't doubt.

     He that doubteth is damned. -- Romans 14:23

101. Don't fall away after you're saved.

     For it is impossible for those who were once enlightened, and have tasted of the heavenly gift, and were made partakers of the Holy Ghost, And have tasted the good word of God, and the powers of the world to come, If they shall fall away, to renew them again unto repentance. -- Hebrews 6:4-6

102. Don't eat your own vomit.

     For it had been better for them not to have known the way of righteousness, than, after they have known it, to turn from the holy commandment delivered unto them. But it is happened unto them according to the true proverb, The dog is turned to his own vomit again; and the sow that was washed to her wallowing in the mire. -- 2 Peter 2:21-22

103. Don't blaspheme the Holy Ghost

     He that shall blaspheme against the Holy Ghost hath never forgiveness, but is in danger of eternal damnation. -- Mark 3:29, Matthew 12:31-32, Luke 12:10

104. Don't let God make you wicked.

     The LORD hath made all things for himself: yea, even the wicked for the day of evil. -- Proverbs 16:4

105. Convert a sinner.

     Let him know, that he which converteth the sinner from the error of his way shall save a soul from death. -- James 5:20

106. Turn yourself over to Satan for the destruction of the flesh so your spirit may be saved. (For fornicators only.)

     It is reported commonly that there is fornication among you ... deliver such an one unto Satan for the destruction of the flesh, that the spirit may be saved in the day of the Lord Jesus. -- 1 Corinthians 5:1-5

107. Enter at the strait gate.

     Then said one unto him, Lord, are there few that be saved? And he said unto them, Strive to enter in at the strait gate: for many, I say unto you, will seek to enter in, and shall not be able. -- Luke 13:23-24

108. Enter through the Jesus door.

     I am the door: by me if any man enter in, he shall be saved. -- John 10:9

109. Don't look back.

     Jesus said unto him, No man, having put his hand to the plough, and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God. -- Luke 9:62

110. Become an Israeli citizen.

     And so all Israel shall be saved: as it is written, There shall come out of Sion the Deliverer, and shall turn away ungodliness from Jacob. -- Romans 11:26

111. Don't be a Jew.

     But the children of the kingdom shall be cast out into outer darkness: there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth. -- Matthew 8:12

112. Don't be a serpent or a viper, and make sure none of your ancestors were prophet killers.

     Ye are the children of them which killed the prophets ... Ye serpents, ye generation of vipers, how can ye escape the damnation of hell? -- Matthew 23:31-33

113. Don't be an unrighteous fornicator, idolater, adulterer, effeminate, thief, covetous, drunkard, reviler, extortioner, or an abuser of yourself with mankind.

     The unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind, Nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners, shall inherit the kingdom of God. -- 1 Corinthians 6:9-10

114. Don't be fearful, unbelieving, abominable, murdering, whore mongering, a sorcerer, an idolater, or a liar.

     The fearful, and unbelieving, and the abominable, and murderers, and whoremongers, and sorcerers, and idolaters, and all liars, shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone: which is the second death. -- Revelation 21:8

115. Fear God.

     The fear of the LORD is a fountain of life, to depart from the snares of death. -- Proverbs 14:27

116. Fear God and cry a lot while praying.

     [Jesus] who in the days of his flesh, when he had offered up prayers and supplications with strong crying and tears unto him that was able to save him from death, and was heard in that he feared. -- Hebrews 5:7

117. Don't let your eye become evil.

     But if thine eye be evil, thy whole body shall be full of darkness. If therefore the light that is in thee be darkness, how great is that darkness! -- Matthew 6:23

118. Pluck out your eye if it offends you.

     And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell. -- Matthew 5:29-30, 18:8-9, Mark 9:43-49

119. Cut off your right hand if it offends you.

     If thy right hand offend thee, cut it off, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell. -- Matthew 5:29-30, 18:8-9, Mark 9:43-49

120. Don't let your left hand know what your right hand is doing.

     Let not thy left hand know what thy right hand doeth: That thine alms may be in secret: and thy Father which seeth in secret himself shall reward thee openly. -- Matthew 6:4-5

121. Be ordained to eternal life.

     As many as were ordained to eternal life believed. -- Acts 13:48

122. Be drawn by by the Father.

     No one can come to me unless the Father who sent me draws him, and I will raise him up at the last day. John 6:44

123. Be elected by God before you're born.

     For the children being not yet born, neither having done any good or evil, that the purpose of God according to election might stand, not of works, but of him that calleth. -- Romans 9:11

     Knowing, brethren beloved, your election of God. -- 1 Thessalonians 1:4

124. Don't be ashamed of Jesus.

     Whosoever therefore shall be ashamed of me and of my words in this adulterous and sinful generation; of him also shall the Son of man be ashamed, when he cometh in the glory of his Father with the holy angels. -- Mark 8:38, Luke 9:26

125. Don't let anyone see you do anything good.

     Take heed that ye do not your alms before men, to be seen of them: otherwise ye have no reward of your Father which is in heaven. -- Matthew 6:1

126. Don't let anyone say anything nice about you.

     Woe unto you, when all men shall speak well of you! -- Luke 6:26

127. Don't love the world or the things in it.

     Love not the world, neither the things that are in the world. If any man love the world, the love of the Father is not in him. -- 1 John 2:15

128. Don't be a friend to the world.

     Whosoever therefore will be a friend of the world is the enemy of God. -- James 4:4

129. Be given by the Father and come to the Son.

     All that the Father giveth me shall come to me; and him that cometh to me I will in no wise cast out. -- John 6:37

130. Come to the Father by Jesus.

     Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me. -- John 14:6

131. Be given by God to Jesus (or whatever).

     These words spake Jesus, and lifted up his eyes to heaven, and said, Father, the hour is come; glorify thy Son, that thy Son also may glorify thee: As thou hast given him power over all flesh, that he should give eternal life to as many as thou hast given him. -- John 17:1-2

132. Be saved by Jesus' life (if you're a friend) or by his death if your an enemy).

     For if, when we were enemies, we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, being reconciled, we shall be saved by his life. -- Romans 5:10

133. Don't get circumcised.

     Behold, I Paul say unto you, that if ye be circumcised, Christ shall profit you nothing ... ye are fallen from grace. -- Galatians 5:2-4

134. Be dead in your sins and uncircumcised flesh, and then let God quicken you with Christ.

     But God ... when we were dead in sins, hath quickened us together with Christ. -- Ephesians 2:4-5

135. Be chosen from the beginning.

     But we are bound to give thanks alway to God for you, brethren beloved of the Lord, because God hath from the beginning chosen you to salvation. -- 2 Thessalonians 2:13

     And you, being dead in your sins and the uncircumcision of your flesh, hath he quickened together with him, having forgiven you all trespasses. -- Colossians 2:13

136. Be predestinated by God.

     For whom he did foreknow, he also did predestinate ... Moreover whom he did predestinate, them he also called: and whom he called, them he also justified: and whom he justified, them he also glorified. -- Romans 8:29-30

     He hath chosen us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and without blame before him in love. Having predestinated us ... according to the good pleasure of his will. -- Ephesians 1:4-5

137. Be poor, not rich.

     He shall ... save the souls of the needy. -- Psalm 72:13

     Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. --Matthew 5:3

     Blessed be ye poor: for yours is the kingdom of God. ... But woe unto you that are rich! for ye have received your consolation. -- Luke 6:20, 24

     Verily I say unto you, That a rich man shall hardly enter into the kingdom of heaven. And again I say unto you, It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God. -- Matthew 19:23-24

     But woe unto you that are rich! for ye have received your consolation. -- Luke 6:24

     Ye rich men, weep and howl for your miseries that shall come upon you. -- James 5:1

138. Be poor in this world, be rich in faith, and love God.

     Hath not God chosen the poor of this world rich in faith, and heirs of the kingdom which he hath promised to them that love him? -- James 2:5

139. Be sad.

     Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted. -- Matthew 5:4

140. Cry a lot.

     Then they cried unto the LORD in their trouble, and he saved them. -- Psalm 107:13, 19

     Blessed are ye that weep now: for ye shall laugh. -- Luke 6:21

141. Don't laugh.

     Woe unto you that laugh now! for ye shall mourn and weep. -- Luke 6:25

142. Be last.

     But many that are first shall be last; and the last shall be first. -- Matthew 19:30, 20:16; Mark 10:31; Luke 13:30

143. Be least.

     He that is least among you all, the same shall be great. -- Luke 9:48b

144. Eat the bread that comes down from heaven.

     This is the bread which cometh down from heaven, that a man may eat thereof, and not die. -- John 6:50

145. Eat Jesus' body and drink his blood.

     Except ye eat the flesh of the Son of man, and drink his blood, ye have no life in you. Whoso eateth my flesh, and drinketh my blood, hath eternal life; and I will raise him up at the last day. -- John 6:53-54

146. Have faith in Jesus' blood.

     God hath set forth to be a propitiation through faith in his blood. -- Romans 3:25

147. Be saved and justified by Jesus' blood.

     Much more then, being now justified by his blood, we shall be saved from wrath through him. -- Romans 5:9

148. Make people revile you, persecute you, hate you, avoid you, say bad things about you, and call you names for Jesus' sake.

     Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake. -- Matthew 5:11

     Blessed are ye, when men shall hate you, and when they shall separate you from their company, and shall reproach you, and cast out your name as evil, for the Son of man's sake. Rejoice ye in that day, and leap for joy: for, behold, your reward is great in heaven. -- Luke 6:22-23

149. Follow peace and holiness with all men

     Follow peace with all men, and holiness, without which no man shall see the Lord. -- Hebrews 12:14

150. Believe in the foolishness of preaching.

     For after that in the wisdom of God the world by wisdom knew not God, it pleased God by the foolishness of preaching to save them that believe. -- 1 Corinthians 1:21

151. Be innocent.

     He [God] shall deliver the island of the innocent. -- Job 22:30

152. Give a cup of water to a Christian.

     For whosoever shall give you a cup of water to drink in my name, because ye belong to Christ, verily I say unto you, he shall not lose his reward. -- Matthew 10:42, Mark 9:41

153. Love Christians.

     We know that we have passed from death unto life, because we love the brethren. He that loveth not his brother abideth in death. -- 1 John 3:14

154. Love your enemies, do good to them, and give them lots of money.

     But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. -- Luke 6:35, Matthew 5:44-45

155. Love God and your neighbor.

     He said unto him, What is written in the law? how readest thou? And he answering said, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy strength, and with all thy mind; and thy neighbour as thyself. And he said unto him, Thou hast answered right: this do, and thou shalt live. -- Luke 10:26-28

156. Be a peacemaker.

     Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God. -- Matthew 5:9

157. Feed the hungry, give drink to the thirsty, take in strangers, clothe the naked, visit the sick and imprisoned.

     Then shall the King say unto them on his right hand, Come, ye blessed of my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world. For I was an hungred, and ye gave me meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me drink: I was a stranger, and ye took me in: Naked, and ye clothed me: I was sick, and ye visited me: I was in prison, and ye came unto me. -- Matthew 25:34-36

158. Be merciful.

     Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy. -- Matthew 5:7

     For he shall have judgment without mercy, that hath shewed no mercy; and mercy rejoiceth against judgment. -- James 2:13

159. Forgive people.

     For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. Matthew 6:14

160. Don't judge.

     Judge not, and ye shall not be judged. -- Matthew 7:1, Luke 6:37

161. Be humble.

     He [God] shall save the humble person. -- Job 22:29

     Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven. -- Matthew 7:1

162. Love the truth.

     And with all deceivableness of unrighteousness in them that perish; because they received not the love of the truth, that they might be saved. -- 2 Thessalonians 2:10

163. Don't pray in public.

     And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward. -- Matthew 6:5

164. Be saved by other people's unbelief.
     (You can have some of mine; I've got plenty.)

     For as ye in times past have not believed God, yet have now obtained mercy through their unbelief. -- Romans 11:30

165. Just ask.

     Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you: For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened. -- Matthew 7:7-8

166. All you need is love.

     Love is of God; and every one that loveth is born of God. -- 1 John 4:7

And all these things did my father see, and hear, and speak, as he dwelt in a tent, in the valley of Lemuel. 1 Nephi 9:1a

He just didn't have room for it on his plates.

And also a great many more things, which cannot be written upon these plates. 1 Nephi 9:1

But first, Nephi tells us that these plates (the ones he's writing now) are not the plates that have the history of his people written on them.

And now, as I have spoken concerning these plates, behold they are not the plates upon which I make a full account of the history of my people. 1 Nephi 9:2a

No, those plates are called the plates of Nephi. That's why he calls them the plates of Nephi. He named them after his own name, which (in case you've forgotten) is Nephi.

For the plates upon which I make a full account of my people I have given the name of Nephi; wherefore, they are called the plates of Nephi, after mine own name. 1 Nephi 9:2b

There are other plates that are also called the plates of Nephi, but these plates (the ones Nephi is talking about now) are not those plates of Nephi, although they are also called the plates of Nephi.

And these plates also are called the plates of Nephi. 1 Nephi 9:2c

Now that we know which plates of Nephi Nephi is talking about, he can tell us about them.

First of all, God gave Nephi a commandment to write down the ministry of his people on these plates (which Nephi called the plates of Nephi).

Nevertheless, I have received a commandment of the Lord that I should make these plates, for the special purpose that there should be an account engraven of the ministry of my people. 1 Nephi 9:3

God told Nephi to make two sets of plates: one for "for the more part of the ministry" and the other set "for the more part of the reign of the kings and the wars and contentions" of his people.

Upon the other plates should be engraven an account of the reign of the kings, and the wars and contentions of my people; wherefore these plates are for the more part of the ministry; and the other plates are for the more part of the reign of the kings and the wars and contentions of my people. 1 Nephi 9:4

God told Nephi to make both sets of plates "for a wise purpose." But Nephi had no idea what that purpose was.

Wherefore, the Lord hath commanded me to make these plates for a wise purpose in him, which purpose I know not. 1 Nephi 9:5

And thus it is and so on and so forth. Amen.

But the Lord knoweth all things from the beginning; wherefore, he prepareth a way to accomplish all his works among the children of men; for behold, he hath all power unto the fulfilling of all his words. And thus it is. Amen. 1 Nephi 9:6

And it came to pass that while my father tarried in the wilderness he spake unto us, saying: Behold, I have dreamed a dream; or, in other words, I have seen a vision.1 Nephi 8:2

(The dream that Lehi had was nearly identical to Joseph Smith, Sr.'s dream 2400 years later, before Joseph Smith, Jr. "translated" the Book of Mormon. But I'm sure that was just a coincidence.)

Lehi dreamed about tree with fruit that could make you happy if you ate it (or smoked it?).

And it came to pass that I beheld a tree, whose fruit was desirable to make one happy.1 Nephi 8:10

Lehi partook of the fruit thereof, and it was the sweetest thing he'd ever tasted, and was whiter than anything he'd ever seen before. (Being white is the best thing a thing can be in the Book of Mormon.)

And it came to pass that I did go forth and partake of the fruit thereof; and I beheld that it was most sweet, above all that I ever before tasted. Yea, and I beheld that the fruit thereof was white, to exceed all the whiteness that I had ever seen. 1 Nephi 8:11

And it made him exceedingly happy, happier than he'd ever been before. He was so darned happy he could hardly stand it. So he wanted his family to eat from the happy tree, too.

And as I partook of the fruit thereof it filled my soul with exceedingly great joy; wherefore, I began to be desirous that my family should partake of it also; for I knew that it was desirable above all other fruit.1 Nephi 8:12

So Lehi cast his eyes round about until he discovered his family.

And as I cast my eyes round about, that perhaps I might discover my family also, I beheld a river of water; and it ran along, and it was near the tree of which I was partaking the fruit.1 Nephi 8:13

Lehi told his family to eat the happy fruit, and the good members of his family (Nephi, Sariah, and Sam) ate it.

And ... I beheld your mother Sariah, and Sam, and Nephi; and they stood as if they knew not whither they should go. And it came to pass that I beckoned unto them; and I also did say unto them with a loud voice that they should come unto me, and partake of the fruit, which was desirable above all other fruit. And it came to pass that they did come unto me and partake of the fruit also. 1 Nephi 8:14-16

After the good guys ate the good fruit, Lehi cast his eyes about again until he saw Laman and Lemuel. He told them to eat the fruit, but they wouldn't do it (because they were bad).

And it came to pass that I was desirous that Laman and Lemuel should come and partake of the fruit also; wherefore, I cast mine eyes towards the head of the river, that perhaps I might see them. And it came to pass that I saw them, but they would not come unto me and partake of the fruit. 1 Nephi 8:17-18

Lehi saw an iron rod along the side of the river that people clung to as they traveled towards the happy tree.

In the background there was a mist of darkness; yea, even an exceedingly great mist of darkness that lots of people got lost in.

And it came to pass that there arose a mist of darkness; yea, even an exceedingly great mist of darkness, insomuch that they who had commenced in the path did lose their way, that they wandered off and were lost. 1 Nephi 8:23

But some managed to find the happy-fruit tree by hanging on to the rod of iron.

And it came to pass that I beheld others pressing forward, and they came forth and caught hold of the end of the rod of iron; and they did press forward through the mist of darkness, clinging to the rod of iron, even until they did come forth and partake of the fruit of the tree.1 Nephi 8:24

But after partaking of the happy fruit, the people cast their eyes about like they were ashamed or something.

And after they had partaken of the fruit of the tree they did cast their eyes about as if they were ashamed. 1 Nephi 8:25

Then Lehi cast his eyes about again and saw a big building floating in the air.

And I also cast my eyes round about, and beheld, on the other side of the river of water, a great and spacious building; and it stood as it were in the air, high above the earth.1 Nephi 8:26

The building was filled with people that were looking down and pointing and laughing at the people eating the happy fruit.

And it was filled with people, both old and young, both male and female; and their manner of dress was exceedingly fine; and they were in the attitude of mocking and pointing their fingers towards those who had come at and were partaking of the fruit.1 Nephi 8:27

Then the people who were ashamed after eating the happy fruit crawled off into the darkness and got lost.

And after they had tasted of the fruit they were ashamed, because of those that were scoffing at them; and they fell away into forbidden paths and were lost.1 Nephi 8:

Some of the ashamed fruit-eaters made it to the big building, but others drowned.

And he also saw other multitudes feeling their way towards that great and spacious building. And it came to pass that many were drowned in the depths of the fountain; and many were lost from his view, wandering in strange roads. 1 Nephi 8:31-32

Those that made it into the big building in the sky began pointing the finger of scorn at the happy fruit eaters below.

And great was the multitude that did enter into that strange building. And after they did enter into that building they did point the finger of scorn at me and those that were partaking of the fruit also; but we heeded them not. 1 Nephi 8:33

Here's what the whole thing looked like.

Little is that which they believe. 2:88b

There is little in the Quran that I believe. Actually nothing. It's all complete bullshit to me.

And because I disbelieve in his bullshit, Allah has cursed me.

The curse of Allah is on disbelievers. 2:88a

And is my enemy.

Allah (Himself) is an enemy to the disbelievers. 2:98

And will torture me forever after I die.

They have incurred anger upon anger. For disbelievers is a shameful doom. 2:90

For disbelievers is a painful doom. 2:104

But then I deserve it. Allah revealed clear tokens and only miscreants will disbelieve in them.

We have revealed unto thee clear tokens, and only miscreants will disbelieve in them. 2:99

Of course, non-believers won't be the only people in hell.

Evil people will also be there.

Whosoever hath done evil and his sin surroundeth him; such are rightful owners of the Fire; they will abide therein. 2:81

Along with those (like the Christians) who believe only part of the scripture.

Believe ye in part of the Scripture and disbelieve ye in part thereof? And what is the reward of those who do so save ignominy in the life of the world, and on the Day of Resurrection they will be consigned to the most grievous doom. 2:85

And Jews, who are, according to Allah (bless his heart), "the greediest of mankind."

And thou wilt find them greediest of mankind for life and (greedier) than the idolaters. (Each) one of them would like to be allowed to live a thousand years. And to live (a thousand years) would be no means remove him from the doom. 2:96

Richard Dawkins has famously said that the God of the Old Testament is arguably the most unpleasant character in all fiction. I'm starting to think that Allah is even more unpleasant.

And he hath on his vesture and on his thigh a name written, KING OF KINGS, AND LORD OF LORDS. Revelation 19:16

From that verse alone, we know for sure that Jesus has "King of Kings" and "Lord of Lords" written on his thigh. And since thigh is a biblical euphemism for male genitals, well, you get the idea.

It may not be true (heck, he might not have flaming eyes, blood-drenched clothes, white hair, and a sword sticking out of his mouth either), but it's fun to think about. Isn't it?

But Steven L. Anderson doesn't like the idea. Jesus doesn't have a tattoo on his thigh or his scrotum. It is written on his pants.

Obviously John was not referring to a tattoo he was seeing on Jesus’ naked thigh since Jesus was clothed from head to foot according to Revelation 1:13. He had his name written upon the clothing on his thigh, just as he had his name written upon his coat. When wearing a dress or a “tunic” the thigh is not delineated. Clothing that is worn on each “thigh” is referred to as a pair of pants. Therefore it is apparent that Jesus was wearing pants as he rode in on a white horse to defeat the antichrist. Apparently “scholars” would have us believe that Jesus was riding to battle on a horse in a dress.

And here's his proof:

The universal symbols for a man and for a woman say it all. Have you looked at a bathroom door lately?

Now that won't mean much to you, unless you've read the story in Numbers 25.

And, behold, one of the children of Israel came and brought unto his brethren a Midianitish woman in the sight of Moses, and in the sight of all the congregation of the children of Israel ... And when Phinehas ... saw it, he rose up from among the congregation, and took a javelin in his hand; And he went after the man of Israel into the tent, and thrust both of them through, the man of Israel, and the woman through her belly. Numbers 25:6-8

Here's what he has to say about it.

I want to read a passage that my wife pointed out to me this morning from Numbers 25. This is a story about a man by the name of Phinehas, the nation had lapsed into rampant sexual immorality - I don't know if that sounds familiar to you, it certainly does to me - and Phinehas was motivated to do something about this and he did something very decisive: he found an Israelite in flagrante with a Philistine woman and he ran them both through with a spear, pinned them both to the ground inside their tent, ran his spear through both of them, right into the ground. And that shook up the nation, it got their attention and they transformed, they made a decision, they turned from that kind of behavior and renewed their commitment to follow God.

...

So Phinehas is commended for his zeal, that he was willing to take action, that he was willing to act boldly, he was willing to act decisively out of his jealousy for his God and his jealous desire to see that his people, his nation, would be wholly devoted to God.

So what God is obviously looking for is more Phinehases in our day ... you know, and it's striking here, that here's the actions of one man, here is one man by his action, by his commitment, by his energy, by his commitment, by his willingness to take decisive and assertive action when that's what was called for, he alone was able to turn back the wrath of God from his people, from his nation.

So may his His tribe increase, may each one of us be a Phinehas our own world and in our own generation.

Mr. Fischer has later tried to deny that he was saying what he so obviously was saying: that we should all go out and murder people having (interracial?) sex. And yet it was the double murder of the interracial couple that made Phinehas a hero to Bryan Fischer and his God.

Here's his attempt to deny what he previously said.

So in Bryan Fischer's authorized (chicken-shit) revised version, Phinehas was a hero for murdering the interracial couple and each of us should imitate him and thereby become a Phinehas in our own world, but none of us should actually do what Phinehas did.

So after Lehi made an end of prophesying about his seed, God stopped by to chat for a while. God said that he couldn't help but notice that Lehi didn't bring any women along with him, and God just didn't think it was meet for Lehi not to have some daughters to give to his sons. What were they going to do, God asked, fuck their own mother? (I'm paraphrasing here.)

And now I would that ye might know, that after my father, Lehi, had made an end of prophesying concerning his seed, it came to pass that the Lord spake unto him again, saying that it was not meet for him, Lehi, that he should take his family into the wilderness alone; but that his sons should take daughters to wife, that they might raise up seed unto the Lord in the land of promise. 1 Nephi 7:1

So God commanded Lehi to send his four sons back to Jerusalem (again!) to get Ishmael and his family. That way Nephi's sons would could have sex with Ishmael's daughters instead of their mom.

And it came to pass that the Lord commanded him that I, Nephi, and my brethren, should again return unto the land of Jerusalem, and bring down Ishmael and his family into the wilderness. 1 Nephi 7:2

And so it came to pass that Lehi's sons went back to Jerusalem one more time.

And it came to pass that I, Nephi, did again, with my brethren, go forth into the wilderness to go up to Jerusalem. 1 Nephi 7:3

It was just another quick, uneventful, 400+ km trip. After they arrived, the Lord softened up Ishmael's heart enough that he agreed to leave Jerusalem with his family and go into the wilderness so that Lehi's sons could have sex with Ishmael's daughters.

And it came to pass that we went up unto the house of Ishmael, and we did gain favor in the sight of Ishmael, insomuch that we did speak unto him the words of the Lord. And it came to pass that the Lord did soften the heart of Ishmael, and also his household, insomuch that they took their journey with us down into the wilderness to the tent of our father. 1 Nephi 7:4-5

But then deja vu came to pass all over again. Laman and Lemuel revolted, along with two of Ishmael's daughters and two of his sons.

And it came to pass that as we journeyed in the wilderness, behold Laman and Lemuel, and two of the daughters of Ishmael, and the two sons of Ishmael and their families, did rebel against us; yea, against me, Nephi, and Sam, and their father, Ishmael, and his wife, and his three other daughters. 1 Nephi 7:6

The whole rebellion thing came to pass because they were desirous to return to the land of Jerusalem.

And it came to pass in the which rebellion, they were desirous to return unto the land of Jerusalem. 1 Nephi 7:7

And then Nephi gave a speech that no one should ever have to read or listen to.

And now I, Nephi, being grieved for the hardness of their hearts, therefore I spake unto them, saying, yea, even unto Laman and unto Lemuel: Behold ye are mine elder brethren, and how is it that ye are so hard in your hearts, and so blind in your minds, that ye have need that I, your younger brother, should speak unto you, yea, and set an example for you? How is it that ye have not hearkened unto the word of the Lord? How is it that ye have forgotten that ye have seen an angel of the Lord? Yea, and how is it that ye have forgotten what great things the Lord hath done for us, in delivering us out of the hands of Laban, and also that we should obtain the record? Yea, and how is it that ye have forgotten that the Lord is able to do all things according to his will, for the children of men, if it so be that they exercise faith in him? Wherefore, let us be faithful to him. And if it so be that we are faithful to him, we shall obtain the land of promise; and ye shall know at some future period that the word of the Lord shall be fulfilled concerning the destruction of Jerusalem; for all things which the Lord hath spoken concerning the destruction of Jerusalem must be fulfilled. For behold, the Spirit of the Lord ceaseth soon to strive with them; for behold, they have rejected the prophets, and Jeremiah have they cast into prison. And they have sought to take away the life of my father, insomuch that they have driven him out of the land. Now behold, I say unto you that if ye will return unto Jerusalem ye shall also perish with them. And now, if ye have choice, go up to the land, and remember the words which I speak unto you, that if ye go ye will also perish; for thus the Spirit of the Lord constraineth me that I should speak. 1 Nephi 7:8-15

After listening to Nephi's awful speech, Nephi's brothers were exceedingly wroth. So they tied him up and left him for the animals to eat.

And it came to pass that when I, Nephi, had spoken these words unto my brethren, they were angry with me. And it came to pass that they did lay their hands upon me, for behold, they were exceedingly wroth, and they did bind me with cords, for they sought to take away my life, that they might leave me in the wilderness to be devoured by wild beasts. 1 Nephi 7:16

But then Nephi prayed unto the Lord.

But it came to pass that I prayed unto the Lord, saying: O Lord, according to my faith which is in thee, wilt thou deliver me from the hands of my brethren; yea, even give me strength that I may burst these bands with which I am bound. 1 Nephi 7:17

And, just like magic, the cords were untied.

And it came to pass that when I had said these words, behold, the bands were loosed from off my hands and feet, and I stood before my brethren, and I spake unto them again. 1 Nephi 7:18

Nephi's brothers tried to lay hands on him again but he was saved by a daughter, mother, and brother of Ishmael, who softened the hearts of Nephi's younger brothers.

And it came to pass that they were angry with me again, and sought to lay hands upon me; but behold, one of the daughters of Ishmael, yea, and also her mother, and one of the sons of Ishmael, did plead with my brethren, insomuch that they did soften their hearts; and they did cease striving to take away my life. 1 Nephi 7:19

Then Nephi's brothers bowed down and begged Nephi to forgive them.

And it came to pass that they were sorrowful, because of their wickedness, insomuch that they did bow down before me, and did plead with me that I would forgive them of the thing that they had done against me. 1 Nephi 7:20

And it came to pass that Nephi forgave his brothers and they returned to their father's tent in the wilderness, where they killed and sacrificed some animals for God and began to get to know the daughters of Ishmael.

And it came to pass that I did frankly forgive them all that they had done, and I did exhort them that they would pray unto the Lord their God for forgiveness. And it came to pass that they did so. And after they had done praying unto the Lord we did again travel on our journey towards the tent of our father. And it came to pass that we did come down unto the tent of our father. And after I and my brethren and all the house of Ishmael had come down unto the tent of my father, they did give thanks unto the Lord their God; and they did offer sacrifice and burnt offerings unto him. 1 Nephi 7:21-22

He's not going to say anything about Lehi's genealogy.

And now I, Nephi, do not give the genealogy of my fathers in this part of my record; neither at any time shall I give it after upon these plates which I am writing; for it is given in the record which has been kept by my father; wherefore, I do not write it in this work. 1 Nephi 6:1

"It sufficeth" for him to say that he and his family are descendants of Joseph. (But you already knew that from the last chapter.)

For it sufficeth me to say that we are descendants of Joseph. 1 Nephi 6:2

The reason Nephi is going on and on about nothing at all is that he doesn't have room to say anything. After all, he's writing all this down on metal plates. You wouldn't waste words if you were doing that, would you?

That's why it mattereth not to him that he is particular to give a full account of all the things, etc., etc.

And it mattereth not to me that I am particular to give a full account of all the things of my father, for they cannot be written upon these plates, for I desire the room that I may write of the things of God. 1 Nephi 6:3

So he's not going to write pleasing things; he's going to give commandment unto his seed.

Wherefore, the things which are pleasing unto the world I do not write, but the things which are pleasing unto God and unto those who are not of the world. ... Wherefore, I shall give commandment unto my seed. 1 Nephi 6:5-6

And that's all Nephi has to say about that.

We said unto the angels: Prostrate yourselves before Adam, they fell prostrate, all save Iblis. 2:34

From that quote, I got the impression that Iblis was an angel, but I was told in the comments that that is incorrect. Iblis is not an angel; he's a jinn. Which is a different thing entirely. (A jinn is a creature made from fire that has free will. Angels are messengers of Allah that have no free will. Elves are small semi-divine beings with pointy ears.)

Still, I'm not convinced. Sometimes Iblis is called an angel in the Quran, and sometimes a jinn. And sometimes he seems to be both angel and jinn. (Is Iblis an angel or a jinn?)

But on with our story, such as it is.

Verses 35-38 repeat the Bible's story about Adam and the Garden of Eden (though the Quran doesn't call it that), with the talking serpent replaced by Satan.

Then Allah throws out his favorite line, where he tells us what he has planned for disbelievers. It's almost as common in the Quran as "And it came to pass" is in the Book of Mormon.

But they who disbelieve, and deny Our revelations, such are rightful Peoples of the Fire. They will abide therein. 2:39

A few verses later Allah says something good (the first good thing in the Quran). Don't hide the truth with falsehood.

Confound not truth with falsehood, nor knowingly conceal the truth.2:42

Then Allah gets back to hiding truth with falsehood.

But first he warns you about a time when he will refuse all prayers and help no one.

Guard yourselves against a day when no soul will in aught avail another, nor will intercession be accepted from it, nor will compensation be received from it, nor will they be helped. 2:48

Then, in verses 59-63, Allah repeats more nonsense from the Bible. Remember how he drowned the Egyptians, gave Moses the Law, and whatnot? How you worshiped the calf?

And how Allah told you to kill yourself?

And when Moses said unto his people: O my people! Ye have wronged yourselves by your choosing of the calf (for worship) so turn in penitence to your Creator, and kill (the guilty) yourselves. 2:54a

(See Who is on the Lord's side? for the Bible story that this is based upon.)

Yeah well, Allah did that because killing yourself would be "best for you." Allah is Relenting, Merciful, Retarded.

That will be best for you with your Creator and He will relent toward you. Lo! He is the Relenting, the Merciful. 2:54b

As you read the Quran you'll notice that many of the Bible's stupidest stories are made even stupider in the Quran. Take Exodus 17:1-6 for example. In the Bible, Moses strikes a rock and water comes out for the Israelites to drink. In the Quran, the same thing happens but there are twelve springs that come out of the rock, one for each tribe of Israel.

When Moses asked for water for his people, We said: Smite with thy staff the rock. And there gushed out therefrom twelve springs (so that) each tribe knew their drinking-place. 2:60

2:62 is often quoted to show that the Quran is tolerant of other religions.

Those who believe (in that which is revealed unto thee, Muhammad), and those who are Jews, and Christians, and Sabaeans - whoever believeth in Allah and the Last Day and doeth right - surely their reward is with their Lord, and there shall no fear come upon them neither shall they grieve. 2:62

But this verse is far from clear (Must you believe in Allah, whatever was revealed to Muhammad, and the Last Day to avoid hell?) and it contradicts other verses.

And now we finally get to the fun stuff.

First Allah brags about turning Jewish Sabbath-breakers into "despised and hated" apes.

Ye know of those of you who broke the Sabbath, how We said unto them: Be ye apes, despised and hated! 2:65

Then he tells the Jews to sacrifice a bright yellow cow.

Allah commandeth you that ye sacrifice a cow, they said: Dost thou make game of us? He answered: Allah forbid that I should be among the foolish! ... They said: Pray for us unto thy Lord that He make clear to us what (cow) she is. ... Pray for us unto thy Lord that He make clear to us of what colour she is. (Moses) answered: Lo! He saith: Verily she is a yellow cow. Bright is her colour, gladdening beholders. 2:67-69

But they weren't sure what cow to kill. All cows pretty much look alike to Jews.

They said: Pray for us unto thy Lord that He make clear to us what (cow) she is. Lo! cows are much alike to us; and Lo! if Allah wills, we may be led aright. 2:70

Somehow they worked it all out, though, and killed a yellow cow.

And now you've got to help me understand the rest of the story, which happens in just two verses.

When ye slew a man and disagreed concerning it and Allah brought forth that which ye were hiding. And We said: Smite him with some of it. Thus Allah bringeth the dead to life. 2:72-73

OK, I don't get much out of that. But this is what supposedly happened:
(Maybe a Muslim can explain it better for us in the comments.)

A man was murdered about the same time that the yellow cow was killed. Nobody knew who the murderer was. So Allah told the people to smite the dead man with a piece of the dead cow. When they did that, the dead man came to life and told everyone who had murdered him. (I hope I got that right.)

You can read all about it here.

And it came to pass that after we had come down into the wilderness unto our father. 1 Nephi 5:1a

I guess the 400+ kilometer trip was getting routine by now, because Nephi says nothing at all about it. His parents, though, were filled with joy, exceedingly glad even, to see them.

Behold, he was filled with joy, and also my mother, Sariah, was exceedingly glad, for she truly had mourned because of us. 1 Nephi 5:1b

In fact, after the boys got back, the parents just couldn't stop talking about it. After this manner of language did they speak:

And after this manner of language had my mother complained against my father. 1 Nephi 5:3

And after this manner of language did my father, Lehi, comfort my mother. 1 Nephi 5:6

And after this manner of language did she speak. 1 Nephi 5:8

After they were done speaking in that manner of language, Lehi took a look at the brass plates. They had all kinds of cool stuff written on them: the five books of Moses, the history of the Jews, and the prophecies of Jeremiah.

Lehi ... beheld that they did contain the five books of Moses ... And also a record of the Jews from the beginning, even down to the commencement of the reign of Zedekiah ... And also the prophecies which have been spoken by the mouth of Jeremiah. 1 Nephi 5:10-13

And, most important of all, the plates had Lehi's genealogy, which showed that Lehi was a descendant of Joseph. (Joseph is a really important name in the Book of Mormon. I'm not sure why.)

And it came to pass that my father, Lehi, also found upon the plates of brass a genealogy of his fathers. wherefore he knew that he was a descendant of Joseph; yea, even that Joseph who was the son of Jacob. 1 Nephi 5:14

When Lehi found out that he was a descendant of Joseph, he was filled up with the Spirit and started to prophesy about his seed, saying the plates would never perish or dim with time. (No one has seen them since.)

When my father saw all these things, he was filled with the Spirit, and began to prophesy concerning his seed -- That these plates of brass should go forth unto all nations, kindreds, tongues, and people who were of his seed. Wherefore, he said that these plates of brass should never perish; neither should they be dimmed any more by time. 1 Nephi 5:17-19a

And then he prophesied some more stuff about his seed.

And he prophesied many things concerning his seed. 1 Nephi 5:19b

Here's a summary.

If you believe and do good works, you will have pure companions in heaven.

And give glad tidings (O Muhammad) unto those who believe and do good works ... for them are pure companions. 2:25

Allah created seven heavens. (I think there was a TV show about that.)

He it is Who created for you all that is in the earth. Then turned He to the heaven, and fashioned it as seven heavens. And He is knower of all things. 2:29

Allah will shed human blood while angels praise him in heaven. (The angels question why Allah has to kill people; Allah says they'd understand if they knew everything like he does.)

And when thy Lord said unto the angels: Lo! I am about to place a viceroy in the earth, they said: Wilt thou place therein one who will do harm therein and will shed blood, while we, we hymn Thy praise and sanctify Thee ? He said: Surely I know that which ye know not. 2:20

Allah taught Adam all the names (of the animals, I guess).

And He taught Adam all the names. 2:31a

Then Allah showed all the animals to the angels, challenging them to guess their names (if they are truthful).

Then [he] showed them to the angels, saying: Inform Me of the names of these, if ye are truthful. 2:31b

But the angels weren't truthful enough to guess correctly.

They said: Be glorified! We have no knowledge saving that which Thou hast taught us. Lo! 2:32

Then Allah tells Adam to tell the angels the animals' names. So Adam tells them and says, "I know something you guys don't! Neener-Neener-Neener!"

He said: O Adam! Inform them of their names, and when he had informed them of their names, He said: Did I not tell you that I know the secret of the heavens and the earth? And I know that which ye disclose and which ye hide. 2:33

Finally, just to rub it in, Allah tells the angels to worship Adam. And they all did except for Iblis, who became the first disbeliever.

And when We said unto the angels: Prostrate yourselves before Adam, they fell prostrate, all save Iblis. He demurred through pride, and so became a disbeliever. 2:34

And the only reasonable person (so far, anyway) in the Quran.

Well, I try hard to offend the Quran. I just don't know how to offend a fucking book.

So I offend Islam instead.

Maybe I'm already banned, though. Someone emailed me (back when Pakistan banned Facebook for the "Draw Muhammad Day" thing) and told me that the SAQ was blocked in Pakistan. Maybe it still is. Could someone from Pakistan check and let me know?

That would be so cool. Then I'd know for sure that I had succeeded in offending that (god-awful) book.

You remember Bryan, don't you? He's the guy who said, after the tragic incident in Orlando, that we should have followed Exodus 21:28 and stoned Tilikum to death.

Now Bryan says that God is sending out the beasts to kill us all for disobeying his statutes.

...one of the consequences for a nation which walks in his statues is that it will have nothing to fear from wild animals. “If you walk in my statutes...I will remove harmful beasts from the land” (Lev. 26:3,6).

On the other hand, “[I]f you will not listen to me and will not do all these commandments...I will let loose the wild beasts against you” (Lev. 26:14,22).

God has "set loose the wild beasts against" us, just like he said he'd do in Leviticus 26.

Pretty soon God is going to force us to eat our own children (also in Leviticus 26).

And ye shall eat the flesh of your sons, and the flesh of your daughters shall ye eat. Leviticus 26:29"

Bryan can hardly wait.

And it came to pass as they smote us with a rod, behold, an angel of the Lord came and stood before them, and he spake unto them, saying: Why do ye smite your younger brother with a rod? 1 Nephi 3:29

The angel didn't impress Laman and Lemeul much though, so Nephi had to make another long, boring, BoM-type speech.

And it came to pass that I spake unto my brethren, saying: Let us go up again unto Jerusalem, and let us be faithful in keeping the commandments of the Lord; for behold he is mightier than all the earth, then why not mightier than Laban and his fifty, yea, or even than his tens of thousands? Therefore let us go up; let us be strong like unto Moses; for he truly spake unto the waters of the Red Sea and they divided hither and thither, and our fathers came through, out of captivity, on dry ground, and the armies of Pharaoh did follow and were drowned in the waters of the Red Sea. Now behold ye know that this is true; and ye also know that an angel hath spoken unto you; wherefore can ye doubt? Let us go up; the Lord is able to deliver us, even as our fathers, and to destroy Laban, even as the Egyptians. 1 Nephi 4:1-3

After the speech, Laman and Lemuel decided to follow Nephi back to Jerusalem, though they "did still continue to murmur."

Now when I had spoken these words, they were yet wroth, and did still continue to murmur; nevertheless they did follow me up until we came without the walls of Jerusalem. 1 Nephi 4:4

When they got to Jerusalem, Nephi's brothers waited outside the gates while Nephi was led by the Lord to Laban's house.

And it was by night; and I caused that they should hide themselves without the walls. And after they had hid themselves, I, Nephi, crept into the city and went forth towards the house of Laban. And I was led by the Spirit, not knowing beforehand the things which I should do. 1 Nephi 4:5-6

The Lord lead Nephi to a drunk guy passed out on the ground -- who turns out to be Laban!

Nevertheless I went forth, and as I came near unto the house of Laban I beheld a man, and he had fallen to the earth before me, for he was drunken with wine. And when I came to him I found that it was Laban. 1 Nephi 4:7-8

Laban had a sword made out of "the finest steel" (more than two thousand years before steel was available) with a handle of pure gold.

And I beheld his sword, and I drew it forth from the sheath thereof; and the hilt thereof was of pure gold, and the workmanship thereof was exceedingly fine, and I saw that the blade thereof was of the most precious steel. 1 Nephi 4:9

Then the Spirit constrained Nephi to kill Laman, who was passed out on the ground in front of him.

And it came to pass that I was constrained by the Spirit that I should kill Laban. 1 Nephi 4:10

But the Spirit had to tell Nephi again.

And the Spirit said unto me again: Behold the Lord hath delivered him into thy hands. 1 Nephi 4:11

And a third time, reminding Nephi that God kills people too (so it must be OK) and besides, it's better that one person die than a whole nation dwindle in unbelief.

And it came to pass that the Spirit said unto me again: Slay him, for the Lord hath delivered him into thy hands ... It is better that one man should perish than that a nation should dwindle and perish in unbelief. 1 Nephi 4:12

So Nephi (finally) obeys the Spirit by grabbing Laban by the hair and chopping off his head with his own sword.

Therefore I did obey the voice of the Spirit, and took Laban by the hair of the head, and I smote off his head with his own sword. 1 Nephi 4:18

After Nephi smote off his head, he put on Laban's clothes (while the blood gushed from the carotid artery) and "gird on his armor about [his] loins." (Laban always wore armor on his loins when he went out partying.)

And after I had smitten off his head with his own sword, I took the garments of Laban and put them upon mine own body; yea, even every whit; and I did gird on his armor about my loins. 1 Nephi 4:19

Dressed in Laban's blood-drenched clothes and loin armor, he went to the treasury of Laban and commanded (with the voice of Laban) Laban's servant to follow him.

And after I had done this, I went forth unto the treasury of Laban. And as I went forth towards the treasury of Laban, behold, I saw the servant of Laban who had the keys of the treasury. And I commanded him in the voice of Laban, that he should go with me into the treasury. 1 Nephi 4:20

And it worked perfectly. Nephi looked and sounded just like Laban, so it completely fooled Laban's servant.

And he supposed me to be his master, Laban, for he beheld the garments and also the sword girded about my loins. 1 Nephi 4:21

Nephi chatted with Laban's servant for a while about all the usual things -- the wild party last night, gossip about the elders of the "church" (the Jews had churches back then), etc. Then Nephi told him to take the brass plates to his brothers who were waiting outside the city gates.

And he spake unto me concerning the elders of the Jews, he knowing that his master, Laban, had been out by night among them. And I also spake unto him that I should carry the engravings, which were upon the plates of brass, to my elder brethren, who were without the walls. And I spake unto him as if it had been Laban. And I also bade him that he should follow me. And he, supposing that I spake of the brethren of the church, and that I was truly that Laban whom I had slain, wherefore he did follow me. And he spake unto me many times concerning the elders of the Jews, as I went forth unto my brethren, who were without the walls. 1 Nephi 4:22-27

When Nephi's brothers saw Nephi and Laban's servant coming, they were "exceedingly frightened" since they thought Nephi was Laban, too! (It was an exceedingly good disguise.)

And it came to pass that when Laman saw me he was exceedingly frightened, and also Lemuel and Sam. And they fled from before my presence; for they supposed it was Laban, and that he had slain me and had sought to take away their lives also. 1 Nephi 4:

But then they heard his voice (he wasn't using the voice of Laban this time) and they knew it was Nephi "wherefore they did cease to flee from [his] presence."

And it came to pass that I called after them, and they did hear me; wherefore they did cease to flee from my presence. 1 Nephi 4:29

After brothers settled down, Nephi talked Laban's servant (Zoram) into joining up with them, and they packed up the brass plates and returned (400+ kilometers) to Lephi's tent.

And it came to pass that we took the plates of brass and the servant of Laban, and departed into the wilderness, and journeyed unto the tent of our father. 1 Nephi 4:38

Gulf disaster needs divine intervention as man's efforts have been futile. Gulf lawmakers designate today Day of Prayer for solution/miracle

And I'm sure all of her prayer warriors (along with the Louisiana Legislature) did just that. So what's the problem? Couldn't God hear her and her friends?

It reminds me of the words of Elijah, taunting the 450 prophets of Baal in the prayer contest.

Pray louder! He is a god! Maybe he is day-dreaming or relieving himself, or perhaps he's gone off on a trip! Or maybe he's sleeping, and you've got to wake him up! 1 Kings 18:27

Keep praying, Sarah. Nothing fails like prayer.

A note about the translation of 1 Kings 18:27

The Bible versions that are most popular to believers (KJV, NIV, RSV) translate this verse in a way that sanitizes Elijah's bathroom humor.

The New International Version (NIV) translates "maybe he is relieving himself" as being "busy."

"Shout louder!" he said. "Surely he is a god! Perhaps he is deep in thought, or busy, or traveling. Maybe he is sleeping and must be awakened." NIV

The King James Version (KJV) translates it as "pursuing."

Cry aloud: for he is a god; either he is talking, or he is pursuing, or he is in a journey, or peradventure he sleepeth, and must be awaked. KJV

And the Revised Standard Version (RSV) as "he has gone aside."

And at noon Eli'jah mocked them, saying, "Cry aloud, for he is a god; either he is musing, or he has gone aside, or he is on a journey, or perhaps he is asleep and must be awakened." RSV

But Elijah wasn't the type to bother with polite euphemisms.

And now for something completely different.

When you're reading the Quran, it's hard to remember where you are because it says the same damned thing over and over again. So if you're reading along with me, you're going to need a bookmark.

If you remember last time, Allah was busy telling disbelievers how foolish and blind they were (because he made them that way) and then dooming them for their disbelief.

Now he tells us that he especially dislikes people who pretend to believe when they're around Muslims, and then disbelieve when they hang out with devils.

And when they fall in with those who believe, they say: We believe; but when they go apart to their devils. 2:14

Allah will mock and blind them.

Allah (Himself) doth mock them, leaving them to wander blindly on in their contumacy ... Allah taketh away their light and leaveth them in darkness, where they cannot see ... Deaf, dumb and blind. 2:15-18

And do you know what? If Allah really wanted to, he could destroy their sight and hearing. Allah can do anything.

If Allah willed, He could destroy their hearing and their sight. Lo! Allah is able to do all things. 2:20

And if you doubt that any of this stuff I've been quoting really comes from Allah, then just try to write something like it.

And if ye are in doubt concerning that which We reveal unto Our slave (Muhammad), then produce a surah of the like thereof. 2:23

That's right you disbelievers! Just try to write a Surah that's as meaningful and cool-sounding as this one:

The power of Abu Lahab will perish, and he will perish.
His wealth and gains will not exempt him.
He will be plunged in flaming Fire,
And his wife, the wood-carrier,
Will have upon her neck a halter of palm-fibre.

That is Surah 111 and there's nothing you can write that would be nearly as good.

Not that people haven't tried. Here's one that someone wrote, for example, trying match the beauty of Surah 111.

In the name of Marvin, most-merciful, all-compassionate:
Damn both hands of my neighbor Sam; damn him!
His money and children will not save him!
He will be burnt in a blazing flame --
Sam and his dame, who is also to blame.
As she was carrying wood to her home,
She put some thorns in the path where I roam.
So she shall suffer a torment most dire,
Dangling in hell from a noose of palm-fibre.

But that is obviously inferior.

Go ahead and try, though, if you want to. You will fail and Allah will burn you forever if you in the fire that he has prepared for disbelievers, whose fuel is men and stones.

And if ye do it not - and ye can never do it - then guard yourselves against the Fire prepared for disbelievers, whose fuel is of men and stones. 2:24

So there!

Gulf disaster needs divine intervention as man's efforts have been futile. Gulf lawmakers designate today Day of Prayer for solution/miracle -- SarahPalinUSA

Yeah, that's a good idea, Sarah. Let's ask the (imaginary) guy who plans to turn 1/3 of the sea into blood and kill 1/3 of all sea life.

And the second angel sounded, and as it were a great mountain burning with fire was cast into the sea: and the third part of the sea became blood; And the third part of the creatures which were in the sea, and had life, died. Revelation 8:8-9

And then turn the entire ocean into blood, killing everything that lives in it.

And the second angel sounded, and as it were a great mountain burning with fire was cast into the sea: and the third part of the sea became blood; And the third part of the creatures which were in the sea, and had life, died. Revelation 16:3

And finally, destroy the whole shebang.

And I saw a new heaven and a new earth ... and there was no more sea. Revelation 21:1

Now that's someone we can depend on!

Unfortunately, the lawmakers of Louisiana agree.

Noah, the just preacher of righteousness
For some reason, God really liked Noah. He hated everyone else, though. Hated them so much, in fact, that he drowned every last one of them. Everyone except for Noah (and his family), that is.

What was it that God liked about Noah? Well, the bible doesn't say. It only says that he was a "just and perfect preacher of righteousness." (Genesis 6:9, 7:1; 2 Peter 2:5)

It isn't until after the flood, though, that we find out about his true character. Noah plants a vineyard, gets drunk, and lies around naked in his tent. His son, Ham, happens to see his father in this condition. When Noah sobers up and hears "what his young son had done unto him" (what did he do besides look at him?), he curses not Ham, who "saw the nakedness of his father," but Ham's son, Canaan.

And Noah ... planted a vineyard: And he drank of the wine, and was drunken; and he was uncovered within his tent. And Ham, the father of Canaan, saw the nakedness of his father, and told his two brethren without. And Shem and Japheth took a garment, and laid it upon both their shoulders, and went backward, and covered the nakedness of their father; and their faces were backward, and they saw not their father's nakedness. And Noah awoke from his wine, and knew what his younger son had done unto him. And he said, Cursed be Canaan; a servant of servants shall he be unto his brethren. Genesis 9:20-25

Lot, the just and righteous
Lot was a family man and one of God's special heroes. Out of all of the inhabitants of Sodom and Gomorrah, God saved only Lot and his family. This was because Lot was, according to the bible, a just and righteous man (2 Peter 2:7-8). He was also, no doubt, an excellent father. Here is what the Bible says about him:

He offered his two virgin daughters to a crowd of angel rapers, saying:

"Behold now, I have two daughters which have not known man; let me, I pray you, bring them out unto you, and do ye to them as is good in your eyes." -- Genesis 19:8

And Lot went up out of Zoar, and dwelt in the mountain, and his two daughters with him.... And the firstborn said unto the younger, Our father is old, and there is not a man in the earth to come in unto us after the manner of all the earth: Come, let us make our father drink wine, and we will lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father. And they made their father drink wine that night: and the firstborn went in, and lay with her father; and he perceived not when she lay down, nor when she arose. And it came to pass on the morrow, that the firstborn said unto the younger, Behold, I lay yesternight with my father: let us make him drink wine this night also; and go thou in, and lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father. And they made their father drink wine that night also: and the younger arose, and lay with him; and he perceived not when she lay down, nor when she arose. Thus were both the daughters of Lot with child by their father. -- Genesis 19:30-36

Abraham
Abraham abandoned his first son, Ishmael, sending him and his mother into the desert to die.

Wherefore she (Sarah) said unto Abraham, Cast out this bondwoman (Hagar) and her son (Ishmael) ... And God said unto Abraham, Let it not be grievous in thy sight because of the lad, and because of thy bondwoman; in all that Sarah hath said unto thee, hearken unto her voice. ... And Abraham ... took bread, and a bottle of water, and gave it unto Hagar, putting it on her shoulder, and the child and sent her away: and she departed, and wandered in the wilderness. -- Genesis 21:10-14

He then agreed to sacrifice his second son (his "only" son) to God as a burnt offering.

And he said, Take now thy son, thine only son Isaac, whom thou lovest, and ... offer him there for a burnt offering.... And Abraham stretched forth his hand, and took the knife to slay his son. -- Genesis 22:2, 10

Jacob
Jacob loved Joseph more than his other children, and he made it pretty obvious. So the other kids in the family hated Joseph. (God didn't seem to mind; he liked Joseph best, too.)

Now Israel [Jacob] loved Joseph more than all his children ... And when his brethren saw that their father loved him more than all his brethren, they hated him. -- Genesis 37:3-4

Aaron
Aaron just watched quietly as his sons were burned to death by God.

And Nadab and Abihu, the sons of Aaron ... offered strange fire before the LORD, which he commanded them not. And there went out fire from the LORD, and devoured them, and they died before the LORD. .... And Aaron held his peace. -- Leviticus 10:1-3

Gideon
Gideon is a great example for all Christian men. He had many wives and seventy sons.

And Gideon had threescore and ten sons of his body begotten: for he had many wives. -- Judges 8:30

He taught taught his sons what it means to be a real man.

And he said unto Jether his firstborn, Up, and slay them. But the youth drew not his sword: for he feared, because he was yet a youth. ... And Gideon arose, and slew [them]. -- Judges 8:20-21

Jephthah
When the spirit of the Lord came upon Jephthah, he promised to offer to God as a burnt offering whatever came to greet him when he returned from battle. When his daughter greeted him after a successful God-assisted slaughter, he honored his promise to God by killing and burning his daughter for God.

Then the Spirit of the LORD came upon Jephthah.... And Jephthah vowed a vow unto the LORD, and said, If thou shalt without fail deliver the children of Ammon into mine hands, Then it shall be, that whatsoever cometh forth of the doors of my house to meet me, when I return in peace from the children of Ammon, shall surely be the LORD's, and I will offer it up for a burnt offering. So Jephthah passed over unto the children of Ammon to fight against them; and the LORD delivered them into his hands. And he smote them ... with a very great slaughter. ... And Jephthah came to Mizpeh unto his house, and, behold, his daughter came out to meet him with timbrels and with dances.... And ... when he saw her... said, Alas, my daughter! ... I have opened my mouth unto the LORD, and I cannot go back. And she said unto him ... Let this thing be done for me: let me alone two months, that I may go up and down upon the mountains, and bewail my virginity, I and my fellows. ... And it came to pass at the end of two months, that she returned unto her father, who did with her according to his vow which he had vowed. -- Judges 11:29-39

Saul
Saul offered to sell his daughter for 100 Philistine foreskins.

And Saul said, Thus shall ye say to David, The king desireth not any dowry, but an hundred foreskins of the Philistines. -- 1 Samuel 18:25

Wherefore David arose and went, he and his men, and slew of the Philistines two hundred men; and David brought their foreskins, and they gave them in full tale to the king, that he might be the king's son in law. And Saul gave him Michal his daughter to wife. -- 1 Samuel 18:27

And since "David did that which was right in the eyes of the LORD ... save only in the matter of Uriah the Hittite," we know that God approved of the transaction.

Saul was also a model for Christian parents who discover that they have a gay child. Here's how Saul handled it when he found out about Jonathan's homosexual relationship with David.

Then Saul's anger was kindled against Jonathan, and he said unto him, Thou son of the perverse rebellious woman, do not I know that thou hast chosen the son of Jesse to thine own confusion, and unto the confusion of thy mother's nakedness? ... Wherefore now send and fetch him unto me, for he shall surely die. And Jonathan answered Saul his father, and said unto him, Wherefore shall he be slain? what hath he done? And Saul cast a javelin at him to smite him: whereby Jonathan knew that it was determined of his father to slay David. 1 Samuel 20:30-33

David
You can tell a lot about a father by his last words to his children. Take David for example.

David asked his son Solomon to murder Joab for him.

Now the days of David drew nigh that he should die; and he charged Solomon his son, saying … thou knowest also what Joab the son of Zeruiah did to me … let not his hoar head go down to the grave in peace. 1 Kings 2.1-6

So Solomon sent Benaiah to murder Joab.

It was told king Solomon that Joab was fled unto the tabernacle of the LORD; and, behold, he is by the altar. Then Solomon sent Benaiah … saying, Go, fall upon him … So Benaiah … fell upon him, and slew him. 1 Kings 2:29-34

And another person that David asked his son to murder was Shimei.

Thou hast with thee Shimei … which cursed me with a grievous curse in the day when I went to Mahanaim: but he came down to meet me at Jordan, and I sware to him by the LORD, saying, I will not put thee to death with the sword. Now therefore hold him not guiltless: for thou art a wise man, and knowest what thou oughtest to do unto him; but his hoar head bring thou down to the grave with blood. 1 Kings 2:8-9

So Solomon sent Benaiah to “fall on” Shimei, too.

So the king commanded Benaiah ... which went out, and fell upon him, that he died. 1 Kings 2:44-46

God the Father
Somehow I forgot about him. But you can read all about his fathering skills here: here.

Which do you think is the best Father's Day example?

He's done it before, you know. Twice. (Tell someone to eat a book, that is.)

He told Ezekiel to do that.

But thou, son of man, hear what I say unto thee ... open thy mouth, and eat that I give thee. And when I looked, behold, an hand was sent unto me; and, lo, a roll of a book was therein ... Moreover he said unto me, Son of man, eat that thou findest; eat this roll ... So I opened my mouth, and he caused me to eat that roll. And he said unto me, Son of man, cause thy belly to eat, and fill thy bowels with this roll that I give thee. Then did I eat it; and it was in my mouth as honey for sweetness. Ezekiel 2:8-3:3

And the author of Revelation.

And I went unto the angel, and said unto him, Give me the little book. And he said unto me, Take it, and eat it up; and it shall make thy belly bitter, but it shall be in thy mouth sweet as honey. And I took the little book out of the angel's hand, and ate it up; and it was in my mouth sweet as honey: and as soon as I had eaten it, my belly was bitter. Revelation 10:9-10

Did God tell Ms. Lovemore to feed the Bible to her baby? Or did she get the idea from reading these stories in the Bible. Or did she think of it on her own.

Whichever it might have been, the Bible is a good book to keep away from crazy people. (Or from sane people; it can make them crazy, too.)

And then his dad had another dream.

And it came to pass that I, Nephi, returned from speaking with the Lord, to the tent of my father. And it came to pass that he spake unto me, saying: Behold I have dreamed a dream . . . 1 Nephi 3:1-2a

This wasn't just any old dream, either. It was a Book of Mormon dream.

. . . in the which the Lord hath commanded me that thou and thy brethren shall return to Jerusalem. 1 Nephi 3:2b

So Nephi and his brothers had to go back to Jerusalem. Why? Did they forget to lock the house? Leave the coffee pot on? What?

No, it's much more serious than that. They forgot their danged brass plates!

For behold, Laban hath the record of the Jews and also a genealogy of my forefathers, and they are engraven upon plates of brass. 1 Nephi 3:3

It had Lehi's whole genealogy on it, and Mormons love their genealogies (especially the ancient Jewish Mormons).

But it wasn't just Lehi that insisted on the 800+ kilometer round trip; it was God. (God is a Mormon and he's into genealogy, too.)

Wherefore, the Lord hath commanded me that thou and thy brothers should go unto the house of Laban, and seek the records, and bring them down hither into the wilderness. 1 Nephi 3:4

So God commanded Nephi and his brothers to return to Jerusalem, get the brass plates from a guy named Laban, and return "hither into the wilderness."

And after three more and-it-came-to-passes and one exceedingly, the four brothers were back in Jerusalem.

And it came to pass that when we had gone up to the land of Jerusalem, I and my brethren did consult one with another. 1 Nephi 3:10

Now they just needed to decide how to get the brass plates back from Laban.

Luckily, though, they had all read the Bible so they knew the proper way of deciding such things. They cast lots.

And we cast lots -- who of us should go in unto the house of Laban. 1 Nephi 3:11a

And the lot fell upon Laman, so he went in to talk to Laban about the plates.

And it came to pass that the lot fell upon Laman; and Laman went in unto the house of Laban, and he talked with him as he sat in his house. And he desired of Laban the records which were engraven upon the plates of brass, which contained the genealogy of my father. 1 Nephi 3:11b-12

But Laban refused to give him the plates, accused him of trying to rob him, and threatened to kill him.

And behold, it came to pass that Laban was angry, and thrust him out from his presence; and he would not that he should have the records. Wherefore, he said unto him: Behold thou art a robber, and I will slay thee. 1 Nephi 3:13

After that, Laman, Lemuel, and Sam wanted to give up on the plates and return "to the wilderness."

But Laman fled out of his presence, and told the things which Laban had done, unto us. And we began to be exceedingly sorrowful, and my brethren were about to return unto my father in the wilderness. 1 Nephi 3:14

But Nephi talked them out of it in a long, boring speech.

But behold I said unto them that: As the Lord liveth, and as we live, we will not go down unto our father in the wilderness until we have accomplished the thing which the Lord hath commanded us.

blah, blah, blah

And it came to pass that after this manner of language did I persuade my brethren, that they might be faithful in keeping the commandments of God. 1 Nephi 3:15-21

So Nephi and his brothers go get their father's gold, silver, and precious things (that were left behind on their wilderness trip), brought them to Laban, and offered to trade it all for the plates.

And it came to pass that we went down to the land of our inheritance, and we did gather together our gold, and our silver, and our precious things. And after we had gathered these things together, we went up again unto the house of Laban. And it came to pass that we went in unto Laban, and desired him that he would give unto us the records which were engraven upon the plates of brass, for which we would give unto him our gold, and our silver, and all our precious things. 1 Nephi 3:22-24

Laban wanted their gold and whatnot but he also wanted to keep the plates. (He was into genealogy, too.) So he decided to kill them and take their stuff.

And it came to pass that when Laban saw our property, and that it was exceedingly great, he did lust after it, insomuch that he thrust us out, and sent his servants to slay us, that he might obtain our property. 1 Nephi 3:25

Nephi and his brothers escaped to the wilderness and hid in "the cavity of a rock."

And it came to pass that we did flee before the servants of Laban, and we were obliged to leave behind our property, and it fell into the hands of Laban. And it came to pass that we fled into the wilderness, and the servants of Laban did not overtake us, and we hid ourselves in the cavity of a rock. 1 Nephi 3:26-27

By this time, Laman and Lemuel had had enough. They "did speak many hard words" to Nephi and started beating him with a rod.

And it came to pass that Laman was angry with me, and also with my father; and also was Lemuel, for he hearkened unto the words of Laman. Wherefore Laman and Lemuel did speak many hard words unto us, their younger brothers, and they did smite us even with a rod. 1 Nephi 3:28

Then an angel showed up and told them to stop beating Nephi; that God has chosen Nephi to rule over them; that they should go back to Jerusalem; and that God would deliver Laban into their hands.

And it came to pass as they smote us with a rod, behold, an angel of the Lord came and stood before them, and he spake unto them, saying: Why do ye smite your younger brother with a rod? Know ye not that the Lord hath chosen him to be a ruler over you, and this because of your iniquities? Behold ye shall go up to Jerusalem again, and the Lord will deliver Laban into your hands. 1 Nephi 3:29

But Laman and Lemuel weren't convinced by the angel.

And after the angel had departed, Laman and Lemuel again began to murmur, saying: How is it possible that the Lord will deliver Laban into our hands? Behold, he is a mighty man, and he can command fifty, yea, even he can slay fifty; then why not us?1 Nephi 3:31

Since they were Book of Mormon characters, they were used to angels dropping by to deliver messages from God. I suppose that sort of thing gets old after a while.

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Except for the "God bless you and God bless America" bullshit at the end.

It starts, as many surahs do, with three Arabic letters.

Alif. Lam. Mim. 2:1

No one knows what they mean or why they are there. But I have a theory.

The mysterious letters (Alif. Lam. Mim.) are the Quranic equivalent of W.T.F.

Allah is wise, mysterious, funny.

But he has a serious side, too. Take the next verse where he says:

This is the Scripture whereof there is no doubt. 2:2a

The Quran is true because the Quran says it's true, just like the Bible and the Book of Mormon. There is no doubt about it.

It's useful to those that "ward off evil," believe unseen things that Muhammad reveals to them, and are absolutely certain that they will survive their own death.

You know, the successful people. The Muslims.

[The Quran is] a guidance unto those who ward off evil. Who believe in the Unseen .. And who believe in that which is revealed unto thee (Muhammad) ... and are certain of the Hereafter. ... These are the successful. 2:2b-4

As for the other people, the disbelievers, Allah has already taken care of them. He has "sealed their hearing and their hearts" and put a covering on their eyes so they won't be able to believe.

As for the Disbelievers, Whether thou warn them or thou warn them not it is all one for them; they believe not. Allah hath sealed their hearing and their hearts, and on their eyes there is a covering. 2:6-7a

So if you don't believe by now, you never will. Allah has hardened your heart and blinded you to the truth. There's nothing you, or anyone else, can or should do about it.

And what happens to the disbelievers?

Theirs will be an awful doom. 2:7

You see, to Allah unbelief is like a disease. And he increases the disease. He's a spiritual anti-doctor.

In their hearts is a disease, and Allah increaseth their disease. 2:10

So if you don't believe in the unseen things that Muhammad revealed, you're pretty much out of luck. Allah has already blinded your eyes (so you won't be able to see unseen things), hardened your heart (so you'll think it's cruel for Allah to "doom" disbelievers for not believing things that he prevented them from believing), and increased your disease of unbelief. Yours will be an awful doom. Sorry about that.

Allah has made it impossible for you to believe as the foolish believe.

And when it is said unto them: believe as the people believe, they say: shall we believe as the foolish believe? are not they indeed the foolish? But they know not. 2:13

And after you die he'll torture you forever for it.

I beheld Satan as lightning fall from heaven. Luke 10:18

Of course, Jesus was in one of his crazy moods at the time. Here's what he said right after his vision of Satan.

Behold, I give unto you power to tread on serpents and scorpions ... and nothing shall by any means hurt you. Luke 10:19

In any case, this is what he look like yesterday.

And here's what he looked like last night after Satan fell as lightning from heaven.

I think he looks a lot better in the second picture. (Thanks Satan!)

The Lord spake unto my father, yea, even in a dream ... and ... the Lord commanded my father, even in a dream, that he should take his family and depart into the wilderness. 1 Nephi 2:1-2

So, with no further instructions, he and his family go into the wild. (Lephi's family included his wife Sariah, and four sons, Laman, Lemuel, Sam, and Nephi.)

He departed into the wilderness ...  with ... his family. 1 Nephi 2:4

Very quickly, and with no problem at all, they find themselves over 400 kilometers away, at "the shore of the Red Sea."

He came down by the borders near the shore of the Red Sea. 1 Nephi 2:5

Apparently the hike from Jerusalem to the Red Sea took only three days. I guess the family was in really good shape.

When he had traveled three days in the wilderness, he pitched his tent in a valley by the side of a river of water. 1 Nephi 1:6

Here's what Lehi's trip looked like in Google Earth.

But maybe the "three days" referred not to the length of the trip itself, but how long it took to find a good camping spot once they got there. I've had that problem before.

In any case and however long it took them to get there, when they arrived they found a continually flowing river that emptied into the Red Sea. (There aren't any permanent rivers that flow into the Red Sea, and there hasn't been for thousands of years. But God probably made one just for the occasion and then destroyed any evidence of it after Lehi and his family left. For a good time watch: Where is the River Laman?)

Lephi named the river after his slacker son, Laman, hoping it would inspire him to be more dependable, like the "continually running" river.

He called the name of the river, Laman, and it emptied into the Red Sea ... saying: O that thou mightest be like unto this river, continually running. 1 Nephi 2:8

And Lehi named the valley after his other worthless son, Lemuel, hoping it would somehow make him more "steadfast" and "immovable" like the big valley that the River Laman passed through.

And he also spake unto Lemuel: O that thou mightest be like unto this valley, firm and steadfast, and immovable in keeping the commandments of the Lord! 1 Nephi 2:10

But the magic didn't work. Laman and Lemuel were still a couple of whiny-ass, pieces of shit that were "like unto the Jews."

Now this he spake because of the stiffneckedness of Laman and Lemuel; for behold they did murmur in many things against their father.
....
They were like unto the Jews. 1 Nephi 2:11-13

Nephi wasn't like his older brothers, though. He didn't have a Jew-like bone in his body. (OK, he was a Jew, too, but he didn't act like one.) He wanted to know the mysteries of God, so he cried unto the Lord.

I, Nephi, ... having great desires to know of the mysteries of God, wherefore, I did cry unto the Lord 1 Nephi 2:16a

And, by golly, the Lord heard him and came to visit him to soften up his heart so he'd believe whatever the hell his bat-shit crazy dad said.

And behold he did visit me, and did soften my heart that I did believe all the words which had been spoken by my father; wherefore, I did not rebel against him like unto my brothers. 1 Nephi 2:16b

And the dumb-as-shit Sam went along with whatever the fuck the Holy Spirit revealed to his younger brother Nephi.

And I spake unto Sam, making known unto him the things which the Lord had manifested unto me by his Holy Spirit. And it came to pass that he believed in my words. 1 Nephi 2:17

But Laman and Lemuel wouldn't listen to Nephi because they suffered from Pharaoh's syndrome: the hardening of the heart. So Nephi asked his good friend God what to do about it.

But, behold, Laman and Lemuel would not hearken unto my words; and being grieved because of the hardness of their hearts I cried unto the Lord for them. 1 Nephi 2:18

God, who happened to be visiting at the time, told Nephi what a good boy he was, that he would live long and proper, and that God would lead him to a new land, a land that God had prepared just for him (and the Mormons) and that was better than everywhere else on earth. (Spoiler: God's talking about America here. God made the entire western hemisphere for Nephi and it's way better than anything in the Old World.)

Blessed art thou, Nephi, because of thy faith, for thou hast sought me diligently, with lowliness of heart ... Ye shall prosper, and shall be led to a land of promise; yea, even a land which I have prepared for you; yea, a land which is choice above all other lands. 1 Nephi 2:19-20

God goes on (and on) about what a great guy Nephi is and all the cool things he's going to do for him. But God hates Nephi's brothers, which he'll soon be cursing "even with a sore curse."

And inasmuch as thy brethren shall rebel against thee, they shall be cut off from the presence of the Lord ... For behold, in that day that they shall rebel against me, I will curse them even with a sore curse. 1 Nephi 2:21-23

The chapter ends with God saying something about how if Nephi's brothers continue to misbehave, he'll have to "stir them up in the ways of remembrance."

And if it so be that they rebel against me, they shall be a scourge unto thy seed, to stir them up in the ways of remembrance. 1 Nephi 2:24

I don't know what that means. God sometimes talks funny when he gets excited in the Book of Mormon (especially when he starts quoting the New Testament, 700 years before it was written).

A couple years ago, KafirGirl started to blog the Quran. And she did an absolutely fantastic job, too. I linked to all of her posts, revising the SAQ as she went along. Then, early last year and without warning, she suddenly stopped. She hasn't posted since and no one seems to know why. I sure hope she's OK.

So I've decided to start blogging my way through the Quran, starting with Surah 1. It's the only way I can force myself to re-read the Quran and revise the SAQ. I'm hoping that as I work my way through it, you'll read it along with me and point out things that I either missed or messed up.

There's not much to the first surah (or sura), just seven short verses (or ayat).

Here's the first verse.

1. In the name of Allah, the Beneficent, the Merciful.

Now that sounds nice enough, until you read a bit more of the Quran and see just how anti-Beneficent and anti-Merciful Allah really is. But I'll save that for later.

The next verse is the most interesting to me. Allah is the "Lord of the Worlds."

2. Praise be to Allah, Lord of the Worlds,

Does this mean that the Quran recognizes, prophesies even, the existence of other solar systems, planets, and earth-like worlds, an idea that Giordano Bruno was burned alive for (at least in part) nearly 1000 years after the Quran was written?

If so, then the Quran gets off to a better start (as far as science is concerned, anyway) in Surah 1 than the Bible does in Genesis 1.

And then Allah has to blow it all by repeating himself, saying how beneficent and merciful he is. He just lied bragged about that two verses ago.

3. The Beneficent, the Merciful.

Now we get to stuff that Allah really cares about: the Day of Judgment. As we'll see later, Allah is completely obsessed with it.

4. Master of the Day of Judgment,

Allah, like his buddy Yahweh, is stuck on himself. He wants us all to grovel in front of him forever. Worship him alone; ask him for help; ignore everyone and everything else.

5. Thee (alone) we worship; Thee (alone) we ask for help.

And if you do that, then maybe, if you ask him nicely, he'll tell you what to do. Just don't try to think about it yourself.

6. Show us the straight path,

The straight path, by the way, is the path of those that Allah favors (Muslims).

7a. The path of those whom Thou hast favoured;

All non-Muslims have either gone astray (like the Christians) or have earned Allah's anger (like the Jews).

7b. Not the (path) of those who earn Thine anger nor of those who go astray.

And that's the end of the first surah, Allah's praise of, and prayer to, himself.

I know that was kind of boring. But Allah has lots of interesting things to say in the next Surah. So don't give up on the Quran just yet.

The first book of the Book of Mormon is the First Book of Nephi. The author is a guy named Nephi who thinks quite a lot of himself. He had "goodly parents" was "highly favored of the Lord" and had "a great knowledge of the goodness and the mysteries of God."

I, Nephi, having been born of goodly parents, therefore I was taught somewhat in all the learning of my father; and having seen many afflictions in the course of my days, nevertheless, having been highly favored of the Lord in all my days; yea, having had a great knowledge of the goodness and the mysteries of God, therefore I make a record of my proceedings in my days. 1 Nephi 1:1

Nephi wrote in "the language of his father" -- Egyptian, which is a strange language for a an Israelite of 600 BCE to write in. But, then, we must get used to strange things if we are to read the Book of Mormon.

Yea, I make a record in the language of my father, which consists of the learning of the Jews and the language of the Egyptians. 1 Nephi 1:2

Nephi tells us that everything he's writing is complete bullshit.

Just kidding. It's all true because Nephi says it is. And if you can't believe a pompous, Egyptian-speaking Hebrew that supposedly lived 2600 years ago, who can you believe?

And I know that the record which I make is true; and I make it with mine own hand; and I make it according to my knowledge. 1 Nephi 1:3

Next, something comes to pass.

For it came to pass.... 1 Nephi 1:4a

This is the first of the 1297 times (that I've counted, anyway) that something comes to pass in the Book of Mormon. It's one of the things you notice as soon as you start reading the book.

Here's what Mark Twain said about it:

The author labored to give his words and phrases the quaint, old-fashioned sound and structure of our King James's translation of the Scriptures; ... Whenever he found his speech growing too modern--which was about every sentence or two--he ladled in a few such Scriptural phrases as "exceeding sore," "and it came to pass," etc., and made things satisfactory again. "And it came to pass" was his pet. If he had left that out, his Bible would have been only a pamphlet. Roughing It, Chapter 16

What came to pass, though, came to pass in the commencement (BoM-speak for beginning) of the first year of the reign of Zedekiah, king of Judah. There was a whole lot of prophesying going on.

For it came to pass in the commencement of the first year of the reign of Zedekiah, king of Judah, (my father, Lehi, having dwelt at Jerusalem in all his days); and in that same year there came many prophets, prophesying unto the people that they must repent, or the great city Jerusalem must be destroyed. 1 Nephi 1:

A couple more things come to pass and then Nephi's dad (Lehi) saw a pillar of fire on a rock that made him "quake and tremble exceedingly."

Wherefore it came to pass that my father, Lehi, as he went forth prayed unto the Lord, yea, even with all his heart, in behalf of his people. And it came to pass as he prayed unto the Lord, there came a pillar of fire and dwelt upon a rock before him; and he saw and heard much; and because of the things which he saw and heard he did quake and tremble exceedingly. 1 Nephi 1:5-6

After Lehi saw the burning pillar on a rock, "he thought he saw" God, lots of angels, Jesus, and the 12 apostles -- which is a strange sight for a Jew that lived 600 years before Jesus was born. (Though, as you'll see if you continue reading, strange sights are common in the BoM.)

And it came to pass that he returned to his own house at Jerusalem; and he cast himself upon his bed, being overcome with the Spirit and the things which he had seen. And being thus overcome with the Spirit, he was carried away in a vision, even that he saw the heavens open, and he thought he saw God sitting upon his throne, surrounded with numberless concourses of angels in the attitude of singing and praising their God. And it came to pass that he saw One descending out of the midst of heaven, and he beheld that his luster was above that of the sun at noon-day. And he also saw twelve others following him, and their brightness did exceed that of the stars in the firmament. 1 Nephi 1:7-10

Then God, Jesus, the apostles, and the host of angels came down from heaven to earth and God gave Lehi a book to read.

And they came down and went forth upon the face of the earth; and the first came and stood before my father, and gave unto him a book, and bade him that he should read. 1 Nephi 1:11

So Lehi read from the book, was filled with the Spirit of the Lord, and said stuff like, "Wo, wo, unto Jerusalem, for I have seen thine abominations!" and "Great and marvelous are thy works, O Lord God Almighty!" (Which means, I guess, that he was reading from the book of Revelation, which wouldn't be written for another 700 years of so.)

And it came to pass that as he read, he was filled with the Spirit of the Lord. And he read, saying: Wo, wo, unto Jerusalem, for I have seen thine abominations! Yea, and many things did my father read concerning Jerusalem -- that it should be destroyed, and the inhabitants thereof; many should perish by the sword, and many should be carried away captive into Babylon. And it came to pass that when my father had read and seen many great and marvelous things, he did exclaim many things unto the Lord; such as: Great and marvelous are thy works, O Lord God Almighty! Thy throne is high in the heavens, and thy power, and goodness, and mercy are over all the inhabitants of the earth, and, because thou art merciful, thou wilt not suffer those who come unto thee that they shall perish! And after this manner was the language of my father in the praising of his God; for his soul did rejoice, and his whole heart was filled, because of the things which he had seen, yea, which the Lord had shown unto him. 1 Nephi 1:12-15

Now Nephi tells us that he's not going to tell us all of the shit his dad said, wrote, and did while under the influence of the Spirit. Which is a good thing. I couldn't take much more of that.

And now I, Nephi, do not make a full account of the things which my father hath written, for he hath written many things which he saw in visions and in dreams; and he also hath written many things which he prophesied and spake unto his children, of which I shall not make a full account. 1 Nephi 1:16

He's (thankfully) going to just give us the abridged version of his father's babblings, which was probably a good idea since he was writing this stuff down on brass plates.

But I shall make an account of my proceedings in my days. Behold, I make an abridgment of the record of my father, upon plates which I have made with mine own hands; wherefore, after I have abridged the record of my father then will I make an account of mine own life. 1 Nephi 1:17

After Lehi saw the pillar of fire, God, Jesus, the apostles, and angels, and read from the book that God gave him, he went into town to tell the people about his day.

Therefore, I would that ye should know, that after the Lord had shown so many marvelous things unto my father, Lehi, yea, concerning the destruction of Jerusalem, behold he went forth among the people, and began to prophesy and to declare unto them concerning the things which he had both seen and heard. 1 Nephi 1:18

They all thought he was crazy, since they were a bunch of wicked, abominable Jews.

And it came to pass that the Jews did mock him because of the things which he testified of them; for he truly testified of their wickedness and their abominations; and he testified that the things which he saw and heard, and also the things which he read in the book, manifested plainly of the coming of the Messiah, and also the redemption of the world. And when the Jews heard these things they were angry with him; yea, even as with the prophets of old, whom they had cast out, and stoned, and slain; and they also sought his life, that they might take it away. But behold, I, Nephi, will show unto you that the tender mercies of the Lord are over all those whom he hath chosen, because of their faith, to make them mighty even unto the power of deliverance. 1 Nephi 1:19-20

And that's all that came to pass in chapter 1.

Christian teabaggers are trying to force schools to stop teaching about global warming. The earth may be warming, they say, but if so, it's not caused by people; it's caused by God. God is going to burn all non-believers to death (and then burn them forever in hell) and the believers are looking forward to it.

Now believers are saying that the Gulf oil spill is a fulfillment of Revelation 8:8-9 and 16.3.

Here's Revelation 8:8-9.

The second angel sounded, and as it were a great mountain burning with fire was cast into the sea: and the third part of the sea became blood; And the third part of the creatures which were in the sea, and had life, died.

But if that's true, what happened to the first angel? Where was the hail and fire mingled with blood? When were a third of the trees and all of the grass burned? Did God forget to send his first angel?

The first angel sounded, and there followed hail and fire mingled with blood, and they were cast upon the earth: and the third part of trees was burnt up, and all green grass was burnt up. Revelation 8:7

And here's Revelation 16:3.

The second angel poured out his vial upon the sea; and it became as the blood of a dead man: and every living soul died in the sea.

Which, of course, makes BP an angel of God.

But if so, what about the first angel? God was supposed to send some kind of nasty sores on everybody who had the mark of the beast. I'm pretty sure that if anyone had that mark, I'd have one. Where is my mark and "noisome and grievous sores?"

The first went, and poured out his vial upon the earth; and there fell a noisome and grievous sore upon the men which had the mark of the beast, and upon them which worshipped his image. Revelation 16:2

No, until God's first evil angel gives me some hemorrhoids in my secret parts or something, the ocean is safe from God's nasty plans (though obviously not from BP's).

The believers are wrong about the oil spill.

Not even BP is evil enough to be an angel of God.

(Unless BL1Y is right and God is punishing us for ignoring his prohibition against eating shellfish.)

He burned everyone in Sodom and Gomorrah with fire and brimstone, burned Aaron's sons for offering him "strange fire", burned the Israelites for complaining, burned 250 men for burning incense, and burned 102 more for asking Elijah to come down from his hill. Burning people alive is just God's way of having fun.

So no one, certainly not Bible believers, should be wonder about global warming. It's not the CO₂; it's God.

And he's just getting started.

Here's what God has planned for the earth.

Howl ye; for the day of the LORD is at hand ... every man's heart shall melt ... their faces shall be as flames. Isaiah 13:6-8

The land shall be utterly emptied, and utterly spoiled: for the LORD hath spoken this word ... Therefore hath the curse devoured the earth ... the inhabitants of the earth are burned, and few men left. Isaiah 24:3-6

The people shall be as the burnings of lime ... they be burned in the fire. Isaiah 33:12

For it is the day of the LORD's vengeance ... And the streams thereof shall be turned into pitch, and the dust thereof into brimstone, and the land thereof shall become burning pitch. It shall not be quenched night nor day; the smoke thereof shall go up for ever: from generation to generation it shall lie waste; none shall pass through it for ever and ever. Isaiah 34:8-10

Thus saith the Lord GOD; Behold, I will kindle a fire ... and it shall devour every green tree ... and every dry tree: the flaming flame shall not be quenched, and all faces from the south to the north shall be burned therein. And all flesh shall see that I the LORD have kindled it. Ezekiel 20:47-48

The day of the LORD cometh, for it is nigh at hand ... A fire devoureth before them; and behind them a flame burneth ... yea, and nothing shall escape them. Joel 2:1-3

For, behold, the day cometh, that shall burn as an oven ... and the day that cometh shall burn them up. Malachi 4:1

The day of the Lord will come ... and the elements shall melt with fervent heat, the earth also and the works that are therein shall be burned up. 2 Peter 3:10

And the fourth angel poured out his vial upon the sun; and power was given unto him to scorch men with fire. And men were scorched with great heat, and blasphemed the name of God, which hath power over these plagues: and they repented not to give him glory. Revelation 16:8-9

And no damned scientists ("astrologers, stargazers, and prognosticators" is about as close to "scientists" as the Bible ever gets) will be able to stop God's plan to use global warming to burn everyone to death.

Let now the astrologers, the stargazers, the monthly prognosticators, stand up, and save thee from these things that shall come upon thee ... the fire shall burn them; they shall not deliver themselves from the power of the flame. Isaiah 47:13-14

So now you know why all true Bible believers fight against the science of global warming. Global warming is caused by God; it's God's plan to burn us all to death, just like it says in the Bible.

Don't let science rob God of his glory!

It's also one of God's favorite expressions. The phrase "drunk with blood" (or variants of it) is used five times in the Bible.

1. God first uses it to describe himself: his arrows are drunk with blood.

   I will make mine arrows drunk with blood, and my sword shall devour flesh. Deuteronomy 32.42

   Now I know that God doesn’t mean this literally. God’s arrows don’t have mouths; they don’t drink blood and they’ve never been drunk on anything. His sword doesn’t eat flesh either. God is being metaphorical here.

   Still, God is trying to make a point. He’s saying that he kills people. Lots and lots of people. 2,476,633 if you don't try to estimate the number, 24,644,205 if you do.

2. The next use of "drunk with blood" is similar. God’s sword is drunk with blood, too, just like his arrows.

   This is the day of the Lord GOD of hosts, a day of vengeance, that he may avenge him of his adversaries: and the sword shall devour, and it shall be satiate and made drunk with their blood. Jeremiah 46.10

   But God’s sword is not just drunk with blood, it's also filled and bathed with blood in heaven. (Who knew God would have a bloody sword in heaven?)

   My sword shall be bathed in heaven. Isaiah 34.5

   The sword of the LORD is filled with blood. Isaiah 34.6

   And he's dying to use it on pretty much everyone on earth.

   By his sword will the LORD plead with all flesh: and the slain of the LORD shall be many. Isaiah 66.16

   The sword of the LORD shall devour from the one end of the land even to the other end of the land: no flesh shall have peace. Jeremiah 12.12

   I … will draw forth my sword out of his sheath, and will cut off from thee the righteous and the wicked. Ezekiel 21.3

   My sword go forth out of his sheath against all flesh. Ezekiel 21.4

   I will bring a sword upon thee, and cut off man and beast out of thee. Ezekiel 29.8

   I shall brandish my sword before them; and they shall tremble at every moment, every man for his own life. Ezekiel 32.10

   Your young men have I slain with the sword … and I have made the stink of your camps to come up unto your nostrils. Amos 4.10

   I [Jesus] will … fight against them with the sword of my mouth. Revelation 2.16

   Another horse that was red: and power was given to him that sat thereon to take peace from the earth, and that they should kill one another: and there was given unto him a great sword. Revelation 6.4

   God is as strong as a unicorn. (Heck, I bet he's even stronger than a unicorn.) He’ll break your bones and pierce your body with arrows.

   God ... hath ... the strength of an unicorn: he shall eat up the nations his enemies, and shall break their bones, and pierce them through with his arrows. Numbers 24.8

   I will spend mine arrows upon them. Deuteronomy 32.23

   God is angry with people every day. His sword is wet and his bow is bent. He has prepared all the instruments of death.

   God is angry with the wicked every day … he will whet his sword; he hath bent his bow, and made it ready. He hath also prepared for him the instruments of death. Psalm 7.11-13

   Even his clothes are sprinkled with the blood of his victims. (I don’t know whether his clothes are really dripping with blood in heaven. I don’t even know if he wears clothes. I’m just telling you what the Bible says.)

   I will tread them in mine anger, and trample them in my fury; and their blood shall be sprinkled upon my garments, and I will stain all my raiment. Isaiah 63.3

3. But God’s sword and arrows won’t be the only things drunk with blood. God also plans to force people (before he kills them) to eat their own flesh and get drunk on their own blood.

   I will feed them that oppress thee with their own flesh; and they shall be drunken with their own blood, as with sweet wine. Isaiah 49.26

   I’m not sure how much of this is metaphor. God often talks about forcing people to eat other people. That part, at least, is literal. Here are a few examples.

   Forcing people to eat themselves.

   And he shall snatch on the right hand, and be hungry; and he shall eat on the left hand, and they shall not be satisfied: they shall eat every man the flesh of his own arm. Isaiah 9.20

   Forcing parents to eat their children and friends to eat each other.

   Ye shall eat the flesh of your sons, and the flesh of your daughters shall ye eat. Leviticus 26.29

   Thou shalt eat the fruit of thine own body, the flesh of thy sons and of thy daughters. Deuteronomy 28.53

   The tender and delicate woman among you, which would not adventure to set the sole of her foot upon the ground for delicateness and tenderness, her eye shall be evil toward the husband of her bosom, and toward her son, and toward her daughter, And toward her young one that cometh out from between her feet, and toward her children which she shall bear: for she shall eat them. Deuteronomy 28.56-57

   I will cause them to eat the flesh of their sons and the flesh of their daughters, and they shall eat every one the flesh of his friend. Jeremiah 19.9 The hands of the pitiful women have sodden their own children: they were their meat. Lamentations 4.10

   The fathers shall eat the sons in the midst of thee, and the sons shall eat their fathers. Ezekiel 5.10

   Let the rest eat every one the flesh of another. Zechariah 11.9

   So while it is true that part of God’s plan for humanity is forcing people to eat each other, he was probably just getting carried away with his own metaphor when he said they’d get drunk on their own blood.

   Oh, one more thing that believers should know. God wants them to keep their swords bloody, too. He’ll curse (and probably kill) anyone whose sword isn’t dripping with blood.

   Cursed be he that doeth the work of the LORD deceitfully, and cursed be he that keepeth back his sword from blood. Jeremiah 48.10

   Every man's sword shall be against his brother. Ezekiel 38.21

4. After God kills people, he will feed their bodies to the birds and beasts until they, too, become drunk with blood.

   Thus saith the Lord GOD; Speak unto every feathered fowl, and to every beast of the field, Assemble yourselves, and come; gather yourselves on every side to my sacrifice that I do sacrifice for you, even a great sacrifice upon the mountains of Israel, that ye may eat flesh, and drink blood. Ye shall eat the flesh of the mighty, and drink the blood of the princes of the earth … And ye shall eat fat till ye be full, and drink blood till ye be drunken, of my sacrifice which I have sacrificed for you. Ezekiel 39.17-19

   God talks a lot about feeding dead people to birds and animals. Here are some examples.

   Thy carcase shall be meat unto all fowls of the air, and unto the beasts of the earth, and no man shall fray them away. Deuteronomy 28.26

   The carcases of this people shall be meat for the fowls of the heaven, and for the beasts of the earth; and none shall fray them away. Jeremiah 7.33

   Come ye, assemble all the beasts of the field, come to devour. Jeremiah 12.9

   Their carcases shall be meat for the fowls of heaven, and for the beasts of the earth. Jeremiah 16.4

   Their carcases will I give to be meat for the fowls of the heaven, and for the beasts of the earth. Jeremiah 19.7

   Their dead bodies shall be for meat unto the fowls of the heaven, and to the beasts of the earth. Jeremiah 34.20

   I have given thee for meat to the beasts of the field and to the fowls of the heaven. Ezekiel 29.5

   I will cast thee forth upon the open field, and will cause all the fowls of the heaven to remain upon thee, and I will fill the beasts of the whole earth with thee. Ezekiel 32.4

   I will give thee unto the ravenous birds of every sort, and to the beasts of the field to be devoured. Ezekiel 39.4

   Thou hast given them blood to drink; for they are worthy. Revelation 16.6

   Come and gather yourselves together unto the supper of the great God. … And all the fowls were filled with their flesh. Revelation 19.17-21

   Someday believers will get into the act, too. Heck, they’re even going to get to drink the blood of God’s victims after they wash their feet in it.

   The righteous shall rejoice when he seeth the vengeance: he shall wash his feet in the blood of the wicked. Psalm 58.10

   God shall wound the head of his enemies … that thy foot may be dipped in the blood of thine enemies, and the tongue of thy dogs in the same. Psalm 68.21-23

   The people shall rise up as a great lion, and lift up himself as a young lion: he shall not lie down until he eat of the prey, and drink the blood of the slain. Numbers 23.24

   And believers must drink the blood of Jesus if they want to get to heaven.

   Except ye eat the flesh of the Son of man, and drink his blood, ye have no life in you. Whoso eateth my flesh, and drinketh my blood, hath eternal life; and I will raise him up at the last day. John 6:53-54

5. And finally, the great whore of Babylon will be drunk with the blood of the saints and martyrs.

   I saw the woman drunken with the blood of the saints, and with the blood of the martyrs of Jesus: and when I saw her, I wondered with great admiration. Revelation 17.6

In a previous post, I tried to count the number of people killed by God in the Bible. I came up with 2,476,633, if God's many unnumbered killings, such as Noah's flood, Sodom and Gomorrah, etc., are excluded; and 24,644,205, if estimates are used.

But what about God's future plans? Does the Bible tell us anything about that?

Well, yes it does. But it’s hard to take any of it seriously, especially if you’re a believer.

Take the great winepress of the wrath of God, for example. You know, the one featured in the Battle Hymn of the Republic.

Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord:
He is trampling out the vintage where the grapes of wrath are stored;
He hath loosed the fateful lightning of His terrible swift sword:
His truth is marching on.

The story is told in the 14th chapter of the book of Revelation, which begins with Jesus (or “someone like unto the Son of man”) sitting on a white cloud with a gold crown on his head and a sharp sickle in his hand.

I looked, and behold a white cloud, and upon the cloud one sat like unto the Son of man, having on his head a golden crown, and in his hand a sharp sickle. Revelation 14:14

Then an angel stops by to tell Jesus that it’s time to start swinging his sickle.

Thrust in thy sickle, and reap: for the time is come for thee to reap; for the harvest of the earth is ripe. Revelation 14:15

So Jesus thrusts his sickle on the earth, while still sitting on his cloud.

He that sat on the cloud thrust in his sickle on the earth; and the earth was reaped. Revelation 14:16

Another angel came out of the temple in heaven and joined Jesus on his cloud. He also has his sharp sickle with him, and together they begin to reap the harvest on earth.

Another angel came out of the temple which is in heaven, he also having a sharp sickle. Revelation 14:17

They swing their sickles and pour the resulting blood into a huge winepress. There is so much blood that it flows out of the winepress and covers the ground up to the horses’ bridles in a space of 1600 furlongs.

The winepress was trodden without the city, and blood came out of the winepress, even unto the horse bridles, by the space of a thousand and six hundred furlongs. Revelation 14:20

And from that we can estimate how many people will be killed by Jesus and his angel sidekick.

It’s a simple calculation. A furlong is 202 meters, so 1600 furlongs is about 320 kilometers, and a horse's bridle is 1.5 m high or so. If we take the winepress to be circular with a diameter of 320 kilometers, then the total volume is 1.2 x 10¹⁴ liters. And since an adult has about 5 liters of blood, that gives us 2.4 x 10¹³ (24 trillion) people.

Which could be a problem, even for God. Where will he find so many people to kill? His winepress requires nearly 4,000 times the number of people on earth.

Does this mean that Armageddon won’t occur until the human population reaches 24 trillion? Perhaps.

Or maybe God will just create more people when the time comes just to kill them.

Or it could just be hyperbole. God doesn’t really plan on killing trillions of people; he’s just trying to scare the shit out of everyone.

I’ll leave it for the believers to figure out.

But there are many other verses that say similar (batshit crazy) things in the Bible, and they’re not all in Revelation either.

God will kill so many people that the land will be soaked, the rivers flooded, and the mountains melted in blood. The ground will be covered with dead bodies, which will stink to high heaven. The whole earth will be destroyed. So I guess that means that everybody on earth will be killed by God.

Here are the verses.

Their slain also shall be cast out, and their stink shall come up out of their carcases, and the mountains shall be melted with their blood. Isaiah 34:3

The unicorns shall come down with them … and their land shall be soaked with blood. Isaiah 34:7

The slain of the LORD shall be at that day from one end of the earth even unto the other end of the earth: they shall not be lamented, neither gathered, nor buried; they shall be dung upon the ground. Jeremiah 25:33

I will also water with thy blood the land … even to the mountains; and the rivers shall be full of thee. Ezekiel 32:6

I will fill his mountains with his slain men: in thy hills, and in thy valleys, and in all thy rivers, shall they fall that are slain with the sword. Ezekiel 35:8

Saith the Lord GOD: there shall be many dead bodies in every place. Amos 8:3

I will slay the last of them with the sword. Amos 9.1

I command the sword, and it shall slay them: and I will set mine eyes upon them for evil, and not for good. Amos 9.4

There is a multitude of slain, and a great number of carcases; and there is none end of their corpses; they stumble upon their corpses. Nahum 3:3

I will utterly consume all things from off the land, saith the LORD. Zephaniah 1:2

I will bring distress upon men … their blood shall be poured out as dust, and their flesh as the dung. Zephaniah 1:17

The earth shall be devoured with the fire of my jealousy. Zephaniah 3.8 I will kill her children with death. Revelation 2:23

The third part of the sea became blood. Revelation 8:8

They … shall see their dead bodies three days and an half, and shall not suffer their dead bodies to be put in graves. Revelation 11:8

Still, I suspect that in many of these verses God is exaggerating. Sure, he’s planning to kill lots of people, but not everyone. The land won’t be entirely covered with dead bodies and the mountaintops won’t drown in blood. So I’m not going to estimate the number that God plans to kill from these verses. I’ll wait until God sobers up a bit to do my counting.

So we’re back where we started. How many does God plan to kill in the “end times” that believers hope and pray will come soon?

Well, the Bible tells us how many will be saved, which implies, I guess, that everyone else will be killed.

I heard the number of them which were sealed: and there were sealed an hundred and forty and four thousand of all the tribes of the children of Israel. Revelation 7:4

…the hundred and forty and four thousand, which were redeemed from the earth. These are they which were not defiled with women; for they are virgins. Revelation 14.3-4

So if the “end times” happened today, only 144,000 Jewish male virgins would survive. The rest of the 6.8 billion would be killed by God (and then be tormented forever in hell).

Most believers don’t believe this of course. (The Jehovah’s Witnesses are a notable exception.) They say the 144,000 Jewish male virgins is symbolic or something. They just don’t know what it's symbolic of.

Are you ready to give up yet? I’m not.

There’s one other way to get an estimate, but I must warn you. It, too, is from Revelation.

Here are the verses.

I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was Death, and Hell followed with him. And power was given unto them over the fourth part of the earth, to kill with sword, and with hunger, and with death, and with the beasts of the earth. Revelation 6:8

And the four angels were loosed, which were prepared for an hour, and a day, and a month, and a year, for to slay the third part of men. And the number of the army of the horsemen were two hundred thousand thousand ... By these three was the third part of men killed, by the fire, and by the smoke, and by the brimstone, which issued out of their mouths. Revelation 9.15-18

OK, let's count them up. 1/4 will be killed by Death and Hell (per Rev 6:8). That leaves 3/4 alive, 1/3 of which will be burned to death by the 200 million fire and brimstone breathing horsemen of Rev 9.15-18. Since 1/3 of 3/4 is 1/4, half the human population will be killed in these two slaughters.

Assuming that the rapture (or whatever) is soon (and it's always coming soon), and that the earth's population will be about what it is today, 6.8 billion, then God will soon kill 3,400,000,000.

So what is our final answer?

Well, we have a lower and upper bound. God will kill at least 3.4 billion and perhaps as many as 24 trillion (if he’s going to get his bloody winepress filled).

So let's call it 3.4 billion.

Oh, and what about Satan?

He has no plans for killing any more people (at least there are none recorded in the Bible or that he has told me about).

God	3,400,000,000
Satan	0

Then the LORD sent poisonous serpents among the people, and they bit the people, so that many Israelites died. The people came to Moses and said, "We have sinned by speaking against the LORD and against you; pray to the LORD to take away the serpents from us." So Moses prayed for the people. Numbers 21: 6-7

But maybe it's just a metaphor. Maybe God doesn't even have a sword, and non-existent swords are rarely filled with blood. To find out, let's look at the context. Context, believers like to say, covers a multitude of sins.

The title quote comes from Isaiah, chapter 34. Let's start from verse 1.

Come near, ye nations, to hear; and hearken, ye people: let the earth hear, and all that is therein; the world, and all things that come forth of it. Isaiah 34:1

So God is speaking here to the whole world about important stuff, things that really matter. "Let the earth hear, and all that is therein."

In the next verse, God starts to deliver his message. He is angry at all nations and all people. He has delivered them all to be slaughtered.

For the indignation of the LORD is upon all nations, and his fury upon all their armies: he hath utterly destroyed them, he hath delivered them to the slaughter. Isaiah 34:2

Now God gets into the gory details. He is going to kill so many people that land will stink from the rotting bodies and the mountains will be melted from all the blood.

Their slain also shall be cast out, and their stink shall come up out of their carcases, and the mountains shall be melted with their blood. Isaiah 34:3

Next we're told that the stars will fall from the sky like figs from a fig tree.

And all the host of heaven shall be dissolved, and the heavens shall be rolled together as a scroll: and all their host shall fall down, as the leaf falleth off from the vine, and as a falling fig from the fig tree. Isaiah 34:4

Verse five tells us this interesting fact: God's sword is bathed in heaven.

For my sword shall be bathed in heaven: behold, it shall come down upon Idumea, and upon the people of my curse, to judgment. Isaiah 34:5

So we know that God has a sword in heaven and that is is bathed in something. Context tells us what that something is. It's blood.

God has a bloody sword in heaven. He carries it around with him all the time.

But the second part of verse 5 is a bit confusing. God's bloody sword is going to come down on Idumea and upon people that he curses.

Luckily I've got my Quest Study Bible (QSB) with me. It explains everything.

Who was Edom? (34:5)
Although this was a specific nation, here it symbolizes all the enemies of God and his people. Quest Study Bible, p. 1027

(The NIV has "Edom" for "Idumea" in the KJV.)

So, as the QSB explains, God's bloody sword is going to come down from heaven on God and Sarah Palin's enemies.

Now, let's go on to verse 6, which includes the title quote for this post.

The sword of the LORD is filled with blood, it is made fat with fatness, and with the blood of lambs and goats, with the fat of the kidneys of rams: for the LORD hath a sacrifice in Bozrah, and a great slaughter in the land of Idumea. Isaiah 34:6

"The sword of the Lord is filled with blood, it is made fat with fatness." It has blood from the kidney fat of lambs, goats, rams, and humans.

Then God tells us about unicorns. The land of the unicorns will be soaked with blood and fat. I guess it's good to know that.

And the unicorns shall come down with them, and the bullocks with the bulls; and their land shall be soaked with blood, and their dust made fat with fatness. Isaiah 34:7

So there you have it. God has a blood-filled sword in heaven that he uses to kill animals and people. The ground will stink with dead bodies, the mountains will melt with blood, all the stars will fall from the sky, and the land of the unicorns will be soaked in blood and fat.

Or it could all just be a metaphor that means God is love, or something like that.

Yeah, that's probably it.

The phrase “drunk with blood” (or variants of it) is used five times in the Bible. Let's take a look at them.

First of all, God used it to describe himself: his arrows are drunk with blood.

I will make mine arrows drunk with blood, and my sword shall devour flesh. Deuteronomy 32:42

His sword is drunk with blood, too, just like his arrows.

This is the day of the Lord GOD of hosts, a day of vengeance, that he may avenge him of his adversaries: and the sword shall devour, and it shall be satiate and made drunk with their blood. Jeremiah 46:10

And God will force people (before he kills them) to eat their own flesh and get drunk on their own blood.

I will feed them that oppress thee with their own flesh; and they shall be drunken with their own blood, as with sweet wine. Isaiah 49:26

Then God will feed his victims’ bodies to the birds and beasts until they too become drunk with blood.

Thus saith the Lord GOD; Speak unto every feathered fowl, and to every beast of the field, Assemble yourselves, and come; gather yourselves on every side to my sacrifice that I do sacrifice for you … that ye may eat flesh, and drink blood. … And ye shall eat fat till ye be full, and drink blood till ye be drunken, of my sacrifice which I have sacrificed for you. Ezekiel 39.17-19

And finally, the Great Whore of Babylon will be drunk with the blood of the saints and martyrs.

And upon her forehead was a name written, MYSTERY, BABYLON THE GREAT, THE MOTHER OF HARLOTS AND ABOMINATIONS OF THE EARTH. And I saw the woman drunken with the blood of the saints, and with the blood of the martyrs of Jesus: and when I saw her, I wondered with great admiration. Revelation 17.5-6

So in the end, pretty much everyone will be drunk with blood: God, the people that he kills, the birds and beasts that eat their dead bodies, and the Great Whore of Babylon. It will be just one big, bloody, drunken party. I bet you can’t wait to be there!

1. Do you hate your life?

   The man who loves his life will lose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life. John 12:25

2. Do you hate your family?

   If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children,and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple. -- Luke 14:26

3. Do other people hate you?

   Blessed are ye, when men shall hate you, and when they shall separate you from their company, and shall reproach you, and cast out your name as evil, for the Son of man's sake. Rejoice ye in that day, and leap for joy: for, behold, your reward is great in heaven. -- Luke 6:22-23

4. Do you hate them back?

   Do not I hate them, O LORD, that hate thee? ... I hate them with perfect hatred: I count them mine enemies. -- Psalm 139:21-22

The Bible's instructions are in Numbers 5.

The first thing to notice about them is that these instructions are from God. It's not just Moses telling the people what to do; it's God.

The LORD spake unto Moses, saying, Speak unto the children of Israel, and say unto them, If any man's wife go aside, and commit a trespass against him, And a man lie with her carnally, and it be hid from the eyes of her husband ... and she be defiled, and there be no witness against her. Numbers 5:11-13

And notice, too, that the husband has no evidence here, only suspicion and jealousy. He didn't see his wife with another man and no one else did either.

So what does God tell the jealous husband to do?

Take her to a priest who will force her to drink some "bitter water."

Then shall the man bring his wife unto the priest ... And the priest shall ... set her before the LORD ... And he shall cause the woman to drink the bitter water. Numbers 5:15-24

If she is guilty, the bitter water will "make her thigh rot and her belly swell," and she will "become a curse among her people."

When he hath made her to drink the water, then ... if she be defiled, and have done trespass against her husband, ... her belly shall swell, and her thigh shall rot: and the woman shall be a curse among her people. Numbers 5:27

But if the woman is innocent, then the bitter water won't cause her belly to swell and her thigh to rot, and she'll get pregnant. (Apparently, the swollen belly and the rotted thigh was God's way of giving an unfaithful wife an abortion -- or worse.)

If the woman be not defiled, but be clean; then she shall be free, and shall conceive seed. Numbers 5:28

In any case, whether she passes or fails the bitter water, belly swelling, thigh rotting, holy abortion test, the husband is completely blameless. But "the woman shall bear her iniquity."

Then shall the man be guiltless from iniquity, and this woman shall bear her iniquity. Numbers 5:31

OK. That's it. That's what God says a man should do if he suspects that his wife has been unfaithful.

Boy, that's going to be hard to beat! But let's see what the Quran says about it.

Luckily, the Quran deals with the same situation: a man who suspects that his wife has been unfaithful. Except that here the husband claims to be a witness of his wife's infidelity.

For those who accuse their wives but have no witnesses except themselves... Quran 24:6a

Now you might think that would be enough to prove the wife's adultery, but it isn't, becaue just two verses ago, the Quran says that four witnesses are required to convict a wife of adultery.

Those who accuse honourable women but bring not four witnesses, scourge them (with) eighty stripes and never (afterward) accept their testimony - They indeed are evil-doers. Quran 24:4

So what's a husband to do in this case? Well, Allah has that all figured out. The husband can just swear that it's true four separate times and that way he can serve as four separate witnesses.

For those who accuse their wives but have no witnesses except themselves let the testimony of one of them be four testimonies, (swearing) by Allah that he is of those who speak the truth. Quran 24:6

How cool is that?

Oh and then, swear one more time, just to make it all official llke. And this time ask Allah to curse you if you are lying. That ought to do it. (It's sort of like saying, "Cross my heart and hope to die" when swearing. No one would lie doing that!)

And yet a fifth, invoking the curse of Allah on him if he is of those who lie. Quran 24:7

So now there are five witnesses and we can get on with the punishment.

The woman can appeal the case, though, by swearing five times that she is innocent.

And it shall avert the punishment from her if she bear witness before Allah four times that the thing he saith is indeed false, And a fifth (time) that the wrath of Allah be upon her if he speaketh truth. Quran 24:8-9

I don't know what happens then. What do you do when you have two people that cross their hearts and hope to die on opposite sides of the same case? The Quran doesn't say and I don't think the Supreme Court has ever had a case like that.

So that's what the Bible and the Quran say a husband should do with an unfaithful wife.

Which procedure do you think is the best?

First David sent Joab “and all Israel,” and “they destroyed the children of Ammon” and besieged the city of Rabbah.

And it came to pass, after the year was expired, at the time when kings go forth to battle, that David sent Joab, and his servants with him, and all Israel; and they destroyed the children of Ammon, and besieged Rabbah. 2 Samuel 11:1

Then he went to Rabbah and put a gold crown on his head that weighted 1 talent (about 30 kilograms).

David …went to Rabbah and … took their king's crown from off his head, the weight whereof was a talent of gold with the precious stones: and it was set on David's head. And he brought forth the spoil of the city in great abundance. 12:30

And finally he did this to “all the cities of the children of Ammon”:

He brought forth the people that were therein, and put them under saws, and under harrows of iron, and under axes of iron, and made them pass through the brick-kiln: and thus did he unto all the cities of the children of Ammon. 12:31

David’s treatment of the Ammonites is stated a bit more clearly in the 1 Chronicles version of this story.

He brought out the people that were in it, and cut them with saws, and with harrows of iron, and with axes. Even so dealt David with all the cities of the children of Ammon. 1 Chronicles 20:3

Neither story says how many Ammonites were killed. But since all the people of several cities were “completely destroyed” (after being tortured with saws, axes, and fire?), I’ll guess 3000.

There’s a one-verse story from 2 Samuel saying that David got a name for himself by killing 18,000 Syrians in the valley of salt.

David gat him a name when he returned from smiting of the Syrians in the valley of salt, being eighteen thousand men. 2 Samuel 8:13

Then there’s a (sort of) similar verse from 1 Chronicles that agrees with 2 Samuel on the number killed (18,000) and the site of the killing (the valley of salt), but disagrees about the identities of the killer (Abishai vs. David) and the people killed (Syrians vs. Edomites).

Abishai … slew of the Edomites in the valley of salt eighteen thousand. 1 Chronicles 18.12

And there’s a Psalm short story that says it was Joab who killed 12,000 Edomites in the valley of salt with the candlestick (or was it the lead pipe?).

Joab returned, and smote of Edom in the valley of salt twelve thousand. Psalm 60.1

In any case, whoever did the killing, whoever and however many were killed, it’s another example of God’s glorious killings, since we know that

The LORD preserved David whithersoever he went. 2 Samuel 8.14

And God approved of everything David ever did (with the single exception of the matter of Uriah).

David did that which was right in the eyes of the LORD, and turned not aside from any thing that he commanded him all the days of his life, save only in the matter of Uriah the Hittite. 1 Kings 15.5

There’s something else we are told about this killing. After the 18,000 (or 12,000) Edomites (or Syrians) were killed in the valley of salt by David (or Abishai or Joab), Joab killed every male in Edom.

When David was in Edom, and Joab the captain of the host was gone up to bury the slain, after he had smitten every male in Edom; (For six months did Joab remain there with all Israel, until he had cut off every male in Edom:) 1 Kings 11:15-16

(A little later God will have to kill them again, but that’s another story.)

So how many were killed in this killing? 18,000 or 12,000 in the valley of salt? And how many males were killed in Edom in Joab’s male genocide?

Since more than 10,000 Edomite (or Syrian) soldiers were killed, there must have been many more males of all ages. So I’ll guess a total of 50,000 in all.

Here are links to the contradictions mentioned in the video.

1. How long does God's anger last?

2. Does Yahweh tempt people?

3. Is salvation by faith alone?

4. Can God be seen?

5. Does Yahweh delight in burnt offerings?

6. Is God the author of evil?

7. According to Genesis, were humans created before the animals?

8. On the road to Damascus, did Paul's traveling companions hear the voice that spoke to Paul?

9. Will the earth last forever?

10. Is Jesus the only man to have ascended into heaven?

11. In Old Testament Law, were children to be punished for the sins of their fathers?

12. Does God ever get tired?

13. How many valiant men drew the sword for Israel as counted by Joab?

14. How many horsemen did David take ?

15. How much did David pay for the threshing floor?

16. How many men did the chief of David's captains kill?

17. When are two thieves one thief?

18. How many blind men did Jesus heal near Jericho?

19. How many women came to the tomb?

20. Whom did the women see at the tomb?

21. Are riches a curse or a blessing?

22. Did the temple curtain rip before or after Jesus died?

23. Who put the gorgeous purple robe on Jesus, Herod's soldiers or Pilate's soldiers?

24. Did Jesus curse the fig tree before or after driving the merchants from the temple?

25. Should homosexuals be killed or exiled?

26. Given that Quirinius became governor of Syria nine years after king Herod's death, was Jesus born during the reign of King Herod or the governorship of Quirinius?

27. When the women arrived at the tomb of Jesus, was the tomb opened or closed?

28. Did Judas die by hanging himself or by falling over in a field and having his guts fall out?

29. Is God the author of confusion?

And the crimes punishable by death in the Bible:

1. Fortune telling (Leviticus 20:27)

2. Hitting a parent (Exodus 21:15)

3. Cursing a parent (Leviticus 20:9)

4. Not listening to a priest (Deuteronomy 17:12)

5. Following another religion (Exodus 22:20)

6. Adultery (Leviticus 20:10)

7. Not seeking the Lord God of Israel (2 Chronicles 15:12-13)

8. Fornication (Leviticus 21:9)

9. Prophesying falsely (Zechariah 13:3)

10. Who has to kill a false prophet? (Zechariah 13:3)

11. Homosexuality (Leviticus 20:13)

12. Blasphemy (Leviticus 24:10-16)

13. Working on the Sabbath (Exodus 31:12-15)

14. Having a few people in your town worshiping another god (Deuteronomy 13:13-16)

David did that which was right in the eyes of the LORD, and turned not aside from any thing that he commanded him all the days of his life, save only in the matter of Uriah the Hittite. 1 Kings 15:5

God even helped out with most of them. Still, the some of the stories in 2 Samuel 8-10 are just too damned boring to deal with separately, so I’m lumping them together here.

1 Samuel 8 begins by telling us that David somehow found some more Philistines to smite.

And after this it came to pass that David smote the Philistines, and subdued them. 2 Samuel 8:1

Then he smote Hadadezer, the king of Zobah, "taking" 1000 chariots, 700 (or 7000, if you believe the story in 1 Chronicles 18:3-4) horsemen, and 20,000 foot soldiers. [Since text doesn't say that David killed the 20,700 (or 27,000) soldiers, I won't count them as killings.]

David smote also Hadadezer ... king of Zobah ... And David took from him a thousand chariots, and seven hundred horsemen, and twenty thousand footmen. 2 Samuel 8:3-4a

David smote Hadarezer king of Zobah ... And David took from him a thousand chariots, and seven thousand horsemen, and twenty thousand footmen. 1 Chronicles 18:3-4

David hamstrung ("houghed" in the KJV) all but 100 of the 1000 horses.

David houghed all the chariot horses, but reserved of them for an hundred chariots. 2 Samuel 8:4b

Then he killed 22,000 Syrians.

When the Syrians of Damascus came to succour Hadadezer king of Zobah, David slew of the Syrians two and twenty thousand men … and the Syrians became servants to David, and brought gifts. 2 Samuel 8:5

"The Lord gave David victory wherever he went." (NIV)

And the LORD preserved David whithersoever he went. 2 Samuel 8:6

Then David killed 47,000 more Syrians (or was it 40,700?).

The Syrians fled before Israel; and David slew the men of seven hundred chariots of the Syrians, and forty thousand horsemen. 2 Samuel 10:18

But the Syrians fled before Israel; and David slew of the Syrians seven thousand men which fought in chariots, and forty thousand footmen. 1 Chronicles 19:18

So I'll give David (and God) credit for 66,850: 1000 Philistines and 65,850 Syrians. (22,000 in the first killing and 43,850 in the second, taking the average of 47,000 and 40,070 from the stories in 2 Samuel 10 and 1 Chronicles 19.)

When Saul's son heard that Abner was dead in Hebron, his hands were feeble, and all the Israelites were troubled. 2 Samuel 4.1

After Abner died, Rechab and Baanah became Ishbosheth’s captains.

Saul's son had two men that were captains of bands: the name of the one was Baanah, and the name of the other Rechab. 2 Samuel 4.2

One day Rechab and Baanah went to visit Ishbosheth, who was taking a nap at the time.

Rechab and Baanah, went, and came about the heat of the day to the house of Ishbosheth, who lay on a bed at noon. 2 Samuel 4.5

They came thither into the midst of the house, as though they would have fetched wheat; and they smote him under the fifth rib. 2 Samuel 4.6

After smiting him, they cut off his head and took it to David.

For when they came into the house, he lay on his bed in his bedchamber, and they smote him, and slew him, and beheaded him, and took his head. And they brought the head of Ishbosheth unto David. 2 Samuel 4.7-8

They figured David would be pleased, since he and Ishbosheth were enemies. But they were wrong.

David told them about how he killed the Amalekite who killed Saul, even though Saul asked him to since he was mortally wounded. Now he was going to kill them for killing Saul’s son, Ishbosheth.

When one told me, saying, Behold, Saul is dead, thinking to have brought good tidings, I took hold of him, and slew him … How much more, when wicked men have slain a righteous person in his own house upon his bed? 2 Samuel 4.10-11

So David had his “young men” kill Rechab and Baanah, cut off their hands and feet, and hang their bodies up over the pool in Hebron.

And David commanded his young men, and they slew them, and cut off their hands and their feet, and hanged them up over the pool in Hebron. 2 Samuel 4.12

Mutilated bodies hanging over pools make such nice decorations!

It's about two of God's favorite people: Abraham and Lot.

God gave Abraham (God called him "Abram" back then) pretty much everything on earth, as far as he could see.

The LORD said unto Abram … Lift up now thine eyes, and look from the place where thou art northward, and southward, and eastward, and westward … All the land which thou seest, to thee will I give it, and to thy seed for ever. Genesis 13:14-15

Lot had lots of stuff, too – too much stuff, in fact, to keep it all separate from Abraham’s.

Lot … had flocks, and herds, and tents. And the land was not able to bear them, that they might dwell together: for their substance was great, so that they could not dwell together. Genesis 13:5-6

So Lot decided to move to Sodom.

Abram dwelled in the land of Canaan, and Lot dwelled in … Sodom. Genesis 13:12

Soon after Lot got settled in Sodom, a war broke out between the kingdoms of Sodom and Gomorrah and some of the other local kingdoms. The Sodomites were defeated and Lot was taken prisoner.

They took Lot, Abram's brother's son, who dwelt in Sodom, and his goods, and departed. Genesis 14:12

That’s when Abraham got involved. He and 318 of his slaves took off after the anti-Sodomites.

And when Abram heard that his brother was taken captive, he armed his trained servants, born in his own house, three hundred and eighteen, and pursued them unto Dan. Genesis 14:14

And they “smote” the heck out of them, chasing them all the way to Damascus.

He and his servants … smote them, and pursued them unto Hobah, which is on the left hand of Damascus. Genesis 14:15

Abraham brought back Lot, the women, and the Sodomite stuff.

And he brought back all the goods, and also brought again his brother Lot, and his goods, and the women also, and the people. Genesis 14:16

When Abraham returned “from the slaughter,” the king of Sodom went out to greet him, along with Melchizedek, “the priest of the most high God,” who brought some bread and wine.

The king of Sodom went out to meet him after his return from the slaughter … And Melchizedek … brought forth bread and wine: and he was the priest of the most high God. Genesis 14:17-18

(Melchizedek, by the way, had no father or mother, no beginning or end, just like the Son of God.)

Without father, without mother, without descent, having neither beginning of days, nor end of life; but made like unto the Son of God. Hebrews 7:3

And Melchizedek thanked God for helping Abraham slaughter the anti-Sodomites.

Blessed be the most high God, which hath delivered thine enemies into thy hand. Genesis 14:20a

Then Abraham gave Melchizedek a tenth of all the stuff he got in the slaughter.

And he gave him tithes of all. Genesis 14:20b

A nice fee for such a puny prayer.

(I gave this the usual 1000 for a regular God-assisted slaughter.)

Bible believers don't need to worry about the Geneva Convention. God tells them directly what to do with their POWs in the Bible. All they have to do is follow David's example.

The Bible tells us that everything that David did was right in the eyes of the Lord (except for the matter of Uriah).

David did that which was right in the eyes of the LORD, and turned not aside from any thing that he commanded him all the days of his life, save only in the matter of Uriah the Hittite. 1 Kings 15:5

So we only need to check to see how David treated his POWs and then do likewise to ours.

David ... smote Moab, and measured them with a line, casting them down to the ground; even with two lines measured he to put to death, and with one full line to keep alive. And so the Moabites became David's servants, and brought gifts. 2 Samuel 8:1-2

When it comes to POWS, we know what is right in the eyes of the Lord: kill two-thirds of them and enslave the rest.

That is the Bible's infallible answer.

This is a verse that believer's never quote -- not even Fred Phelps, Steven Anderson, or Doug Wilson. It's as though it had been removed from the Bible. But it hasn't.

Here is what it says:

If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them. Leviticus 20:13

Mr. Trumbull's interpretation is a bit weak, though. Leviticus 20:13 doesn't say: "To be gay = death." It says, "Kill homosexuals."

And not even Chris Trumbull is willing to say that.

It's time for believers to remove the verse that they cannot say out loud -- or just throw the whole damn Bible away.

These ... speak evil of the things that they understand not.

They ... count it pleasure to riot in the day time. Spots they are and blemishes, sporting themselves with their own deceivings.

Beguiling unstable souls ... cursed children. 2 Peter 2:9-14

But then, some people interpret this passage differently.

How do we know that that? Because it says so in the Bible.

Everything David did "was right in the eyes of the Lord," except for one thing: "the matter of Uriah."

David did that which was right in the eyes of the LORD, and turned not aside from any thing that he commanded him all the days of his life, save only in the matter of Uriah the Hittite. 1 Kings 15.5

So as long as we stay away from the Uriah affair, we can be absolutely certain that we are doing right in the eyes of the Lord whenever we follow David.

And since there are so many stories about David in the Bible, we can derive an infallible, Bible-based morality from them. That is what God wants us to do. That's why he put those stories in the Bible.

So let's get started.

Here are some of the things that we know are "right in the eyes of the Lord."

1. It's OK to kill people.

   As long as your killing is similar to one of David's, you can be sure that it's perfectly moral and that God will bless it.

   But before you start, check the context of David's killings to make sure that yours is OK with God.

   Here is a list of 22 killings that David either performed himself or had other people do for him. God approved of every one of them. He even helped out on many. It should be easy to find one to serve as a model for the killing that you have in mind.

   David or Elhanan killed Goliath	1Sam 17.51, 2Sam 21.19
   David killed 200 Philistines for their foreskins (to buy his first wife)	1Sam 18.27
   David slew the Philistines with a great slaughter	1Sam 19.8
   The Lord said to David, Go and smite the Philistines	1Sam 23:2-5
   David committed genocides for the Philistines	1Sam 27.8-11
   David spends the day killing Amalekites	1Sam 30:17
   David killed the messenger	2Sam 1.15
   David killed Rechab and Baanah, cut off their hands and feet, and hung their dead bodies over the pool	2Sam 4.12
   God helps David smite Philistines from the front and the rear	2Sam 5:19-25
   David killed 2/3 Moabite POWs and enslaved the rest	2Sam 8.2
   David killed 22,000 Syrians	2Sam 8.5
   David killed 18,000 Edomites in the Valley of Salt	2Sam 8.13, 1Kg 11.15-16, 1Chr 18.12
   David killed 47,000 Syrians	2Sam 10.18, 1Chr 19.18
   David's massacre of the Ammonites	2Sam 11.1, 1Chr 20.1
   David's army killed 20,000 Israelites	2Sam 18.7
   Adino killed 800 at one time with a spear	2Sam 23.8
   Eleazar the son of Dodo smote the Philistines with a great slaughter	2Sam 23.9-10, 1Chr 11.12-14
   Shammah slew the Philistines	2Sam 23.12
   Abishai killed 300 with his spear	2Sam 23.18
   Benaiah slew two lion-like men of Moah and a giant Egyptian	2Sam 23.20-21, 1Chr 11.22-23
   Solomon carries out the deathbed wish of his father David by having Joab murdered	1Kg 2.29-34
   Solomn has Shimei murdered (another of David's death bed wishes)	1Kg 2.44-46

2. It's OK to decapitate people after you kill them. (1 Samuel 17.51)

3. You can kill Philistines and Amalekites pretty much whenever you see them. Still, it's a good idea to ask God first. (1Sam 18.27, 19.8, 23:2-5, 30:17; 2Sam 5:19-25, 23.9-10, 23.12)

4. Moabites, Syrians, Edomites, Ammonites, and Egyptians are generally OK to kill, too. But some restrictions may apply. See your Bible for context, just to be sure. (2Sam 8.2, 8.5, 8.13, 10.18, 11.1)

5. It's OK to kill up to 200 men for their foreskins to pay for a wife. (1Sam 18.27)

6. You can have as many wives as you like. No one knows how many David had; no one needs to know how many you have either. (It's nobody's business but God's, and he approves of that sort of thing.) (1 Samuel 18:25-27, 25:39, 25:41-44, 2 Samuel 3:2-5, 5:13, 12:7-8)

7. Genocide is OK, at least when you are doing it for the Philistines. (1 Samuel 27:8-11)

8. It's OK to lie, if it will help you out of a difficult situation. (1 Samuel 21:2-8)

9. Cut off the hands and feet of executed people and hang their dead, mutilated bodies up for everyone to see. They make nice decorations. (2 Samuel 4:12)

10. Encourage others to kill people with disabilities -- like "the lame and the blind that are hated of David's soul." (2 Samuel 5:8)

11. A good rule to follow with prisoners of war is this: kill two-thirds of them and enslave the rest. (2 Samuel 8:2-3)

12. If your concubines have sex with your son in front of God and everybody (because God is punishing you for your adultery), just refuse to have any more sex with them and force them to "keep house" for you for the rest of their lives. (2 Samuel 20:3)

13. If God sends a famine, you might try killing the sons and grandsons of your predecessor and then hang their dead bodies up to God so that he will stop starving people to death. It worked for David. It should work for you too. (2 Samuel 21:1-9)

14. When you are old man and can't get any more heat, look around for a young virgin to "lie in your bosom" and "minister" to you so you can get your heat back. (1 Kings 1:1-4)

15. And when you are dying, be sure to ask your son to murder any enemies that you didn't get a chance to kill. No enemies left behind. That was David's rule; it should be yours, too. (1 Kings 2:1-9)

See how easy that was? It makes you feel sorry for all those atheists who have to actually think about what is right and wrong, doesn't it?

(See here for a complete list and estimated total for all of God's 154 killings in the Bible.)

1	God killed every first born Egyptian child	Ex 12:29-30
2	God sent two bears to rip apart 42 boys for making fun of a prophet's bald head	2Kg 2:23-24
3	God killed 14,700 for complaining about his killings	Num 16:49
4	The Amalekite genocide	1Sam 15:2-3
5	God killed 70,000 because David had a census that he (or Satan) inspired him to have	2Sam 24:15, 1Chr 21:14
6	God slowly killed David's baby boy to punish David for adultery	2Sam 12:14-18
7	Jephthah sacrifices his daughter to God as a burned offering (to pay him back for helping him slaughter 20 cities)	Jg 11:39
8	The Flood of Noah	Gen 7:23
9	When the people complained, God burned them to death	Num 11:1
10	Sodom and Gomorrah	Gen 19:24
11	God killed 50,070 for looking into the ark of the Lord	1Sam 6:19
12	God and Satan kill Job's children in a bet	Job 1:18-19
13	The opposing party is buried alive (with their families)	Num 16:27
14	Jeroboam's son: God kills another child	1Kg 14:17
15	Elijah kills 450 religious leaders in a prayer contest	1Kg 18.22-40
16	God killed one million Ethiopians	2Chr 14:9-14
17	The Midianite Massacre: Have you saved the women alive?	Num 31:1-35
18	Onan for spilling his seed	Gen 38:10
19	The massacre of the peaceful, unsuspecting people	Jg 18.27
20	Who is on the Lord's side? (Family and friends are forced to kill each other because of Aaron's golden calf)	Ex 32:27-28
21	God made Jehoram's bowels fall out	2Chr 21:14-19
22	David killed 200 Philistines for their foreskins (to buy his first wife)	1Sam 18.27
23	Phinehas' double murder stops God's plague (after 14,000 were killed)	Num 25:1-11
24	God burns Aaron's sons to death for offering him "strange fire"	Lev 10:1-3
25	God sent snakes to bite people for complaining	Num 21:6
26	God commands a blasphemer to be stoned to death	Lev 24:10-23
27	God burned to death 102 men for asking Elijah to come down from his hill	2Kg 1:10-12
28	Herod was eaten by worms for not giving God the glory	Acts 12:23
29	God sent a lion to kill a man for not smiting a prophet	1Kg 20:35-36
30	God smote them with hemorrhoids in their secret parts	1Sam 5:1-12
31	God sent lions to eat those that don't fear him enough	2Kg 17:25-26
32	An angel killed 185,000 sleeping soldiers	2Kg 19:34, Is 37:36
33	250 are burned to death for burning incense	Num 16:35
34	Achan and his family are stoned and burned to death	Jos 7:10-12, 24-26
35	Ananias and Sapphira were killed by God for not giving Peter all their money	Acts 5:1-10
36	God kills Ezekiel's wife and tells him not to mourn her death	Ezek 24:15-18
37	God killed Uzzah for trying to keep the ark from falling	2Sam 6:6-7, 1Chr 13:9-10
38	Samson kills 3000 in a suicide terrorist attack	Jg 16:27-30
39	Ehud delivers a message from God: A knife blade into a fat man's belly	Jg 3:15-22
40	A man gathering sticks on the Sabbath day	Num 15:32-35
41	Seventy heads in two heaps	2Kg 10:6-10
42	Samson murders 30 men for their clothes	Jg 14:19
43	Jehu assembles the followers of Baal and then slaughters them all	2Kg 10.18-25
44	God killed Nabal (and David got his wife and other stuff)	1Sam 25:38
45	Samson kills 1000 men with the jawbone of an ass	Jg 15:14-15
46	A holy civil war (called by rotting concubine body part messages)	Jg 20:35-37
47	Jeroboam's family: God kills a family	1Kg 15:29
48	God stops the sun so Joshua can kill in the daylight	Jos 10:10-11
49	Baasha's family and friends: God kills another family	1Kg 16:11-12
50	A tale of two prophets	1Kg 13:11-24

I'd like to rank the killings from nasty to not nearly as nasty, and that's where I need your help. If you are unfamiliar with the killing episode, click on the link to read the blog post. Then rate the killing from 1 to 5 stars (5 nastiest), either at the end of the blog post or in the right column of the table.

(Please note that you are not voting for which killing you think is the worst, but on how bad you think each killing is. For this to work, I need as many ratings as possible on each and every killing. Each person can rate each of the 154 killings on the Drunk With Blood list.
So please don't just rate the ones at the top of the list. They all need to be rated.)

1	The Flood of Noah	Gen 7:23
2	Sodom and Gomorrah	Gen 19:24
3	Onan for spilling his seed	Gen 38:10
4	God killed every first born Egyptian child and animal	Ex 12:29-30
5	Who is on the Lord's side? (Family and friends are forced to kill each other because of Aaron's golden calf)	Ex 32:27-28
6	God burns Aaron's sons to death for offering him "strange fire"	Lev 10:1-3
7	God commands a blasphemer to be stoned to death	Lev 24:10-23
8	When the people complained, God burned them to death	Num 11:1
9	A man gathering sticks on the Sabbath day	Num 15:32-35
10	The opposing party is buried alive (with their families)	Num 16:27
11	250 are burned to death for burning incense	Num 16:35
12	God killed 14,700 for complaining about his killings	Num 16:49
13	God sent snakes to bite people for complaining	Num 21:6
14	Phinehas' double murder stops God's plague (after 14,000 were killed)	Num 25:1-11
15	The Midianite Massacre: Have you saved the women alive?	Num 31:1-35
16	Achan and his family are stoned and burned to death	Jos 7:10-12, 24-26
17	Ehud delivers a message from God: A knife blade into a fat man's belly	Jg 3:15-22
18	Jael pounds a tent stake through a sleeping man's skull	Jg 4:18-22
19	Jephthah sacrifices his daughter to God as a burned offering (to pay him back for helping him slaughter 20 cities)	Jg 11:39
20	Samson murders 30 men for their clothes	Jg 14:19
21	Samson kills 1000 men with the jawbone of an ass	Jg 15:14-15
22	Samson kills 3000 in a suicide terrorist attack	Jg 16:27-30
23	A holy civil war (called by rotting concubine body part messages)	Jg 20:35-37
24	The End of Judges: Two genocides and 200 stolen virgins	Jg 21.10-14
25	God smote them with hemorrhoids in their secret parts	1Sam 5:1-12
26	God killed 50,070 for looking into the ark of the Lord	1Sam 6:19
27	The Amalekite genocide	1Sam 15:2-3
28	David killed 200 Philistines for their foreskins (to buy his first wife)	1Sam 18.27
29	God killed Nabal (and David got his wife and other stuff)	1Sam 25:38
30	God killed Uzzah for trying to keep the ark from falling	2Sam 6:6-7, 1Chr 13:9-10
31	David killed 2/3 Moabite POWs and enslaved the rest	2Sam 8.2
32	God slowly killed David's baby boy to punish David for adultery	2Sam 12:14-18
33	God killed a couple hundred thousand because David had a census that he (or Satan) inspired him to have	2Sam 24:15, 1Chr 21:14
34	A tale of two prophets	1Kg 13:11-24
35	Jeroboam's son: God kills another child	1Kg 14:17
36	Jeroboam's family: God kills a family	1Kg 15:29
37	Baasha's family and friends: God kills another family	1Kg 16:11-12
38	Elijah kills 450 religious leaders in a prayer contest	1Kg 18.22-40
39	God sent a lion to kill a man for not smiting a prophet	1Kg 20:35-36
40	God burned to death 102 men for asking Elijah to come down from his hill	2Kg 1:10-12
41	God sent two bears to rip apart 42 boys for making fun of a prophet's bald head	2Kg 2:23-24
42	Seventy heads in two heaps	2Kg 10:6-10
43	Jehu assembles the followers of Baal and then slaughters them all	2Kg 10.18-25
44	God sent lions to eat those that don't fear him enough	2Kg 17:25-26
45	God killed one million Ethiopians	2Chr 14:9-14
46	God made Jehoram's bowels fall out	2Chr 21:14-19
47	God and Satan kill Job's children and slaves in a bet	Job 1:18-19
48	God kills Ezekiel's wife and tells him not to mourn her death	Ezek 24:15-18
49	Annanias and Sapphira were killed by God for not giving Peter all their money	Acts 5:1-10
50	Herod was eaten by worms for not giving God the glory	Acts 12:23

I've decided to combine God's killing and the God-approved killings into one list.

The table shows two numbers: the number given by the Bible, if any; and an estimated number, with links to the posts on each killing and to the relevant passages in SAB.

The grand totals are shown below and at the end of the table.

Biblical number	2,476,633
Estimate	24,644,205

	Killing Event	Scriptural Reference	Biblical number	Estimate
1	The Flood of Noah	Gen 7:23	-	20,000,000
2	Abraham's war to rescue Lot	Gen 14:17-19	-	1000
3	Sodom and Gomorrah	Gen 19:24	-	2,000
4	Lot's wife for looking back	Gen 19:26	1	1
5	Er for being wicked in the sight of the Lord	Gen 38:7	1	1
6	Onan for spilling his seed	Gen 38:10	1	1
7	God's seven year, world-wide famine	Gen 41:25-54	-	70,000
8	The seventh plague of Egypt: Hail	Ex 9:25	-	300,000
9	God killed all first born Egyptian children	Ex 12:29-30	-	500,000
10	God drowned the Egyptian army	Ex 14:8-26	600	5,000
11	Joshua discomfited Amalek and his people with the edge of the sword	Ex 17:13	-	1,000
12	Who is on the Lord's side?	Ex 32:27-28	3,000	3,000
13	God plagued the people because of Aaron's calf	Ex 32:35		1,000
14	God burns Aaron's sons to death	Lev 10:1-3	2	2
15	A blasphemer is stoned	Lev 24:10-23	1	1
16	God burned people to death for complaining	Num 11:1	-	100
17	God plagued the people for complaining about the food	Num 11:33	-	10,000
18	Ten scouts are killed for their honest report	Num 14:35-36	10	10
19	A man gathering sticks on the Sabbath day	Num 15:32-35	1	1
20	The opposing party is buried alive (with their families)	Num 16:27	3	9
21	Burned to death for burning incense	Num 16:35	250	250
22	For complaining about God's killings	Num 16:49	14,700	14,700
23	The massacre of the Aradites	Num 21:1-3	-	3,000
24	God sent snakes to bite people for complaining	Num 21:6	-	100
25	A killing to end God's killings	Num 25:1-11	24,002	24,002
26	Have you saved the women alive?	Num 31:1-35	6	200,000
27	God slowly kills the Israelite army	Dt 2:14-16	-	500,000
28	God the giant killer	Dt 2:21-22	-	5,000
29	God hardens King Sihon's heart so he can kill him and all his people	Dt 2:33-34	1	3,000
30	The Massacre of 60 cites	Dt 3:3-6	-	60,000
31	The Jericho Massacre	Jos 6:21	-	1,000
32	Achan and his family are stoned and burned to death	Jos 7:10-12, 24-26	1	5
33	The Ai massacre	Jos 8:1-25	12,000	12,000
34	God stops the sun so Joshua can kill in the daylight	Jos 10:10-11	-	5,000
35	Five kings killed and hung on trees	Jos 10:26	5	10,000
36	Joshua utterly destroys all that breathes as God commanded	Jos 10:28-42	7	7,000
37	There was not left any to breathe	Jos 11:8-12	1	20,000
38	More giant killing	Jos 11:20-21	-	5,000
39	The Lord delivered the Canaanites and Perizzites	Jg 1:4	10,000	10,000
40	The Jerusalem Massacre	Jg 1:8	-	1,000
41	Five massacres, a wedding, and some God-proof iron chariots	Jg 1:9-25	-	5,000
42	The Lord delivered Chushanrishathaim	Jg 3:7-10	-	1,000
43	Ehud delivers a message from God	Jg 3:15-22	1	1
44	God delivers 10,000 lusty Moabites	Jg 3:28-29	10,000	10,000
45	Shamgar killed 600 Philistines with an ox goad	Jg 3.31	600	600
46	Barak and God massacre the Canaanites	Jg 4:15-16	-	1,000
47	Jael pounds a tent stake through a sleeping man's skull	Jg 4:18-22	1	1
48	The Lord set every man's sword against his fellow	Jg 7:22	120,000	120,000
49	A city is massacred and 1000 burn to death because of God's evil spirit	Jg 9:23-57	1,001	2,000
50	The Ammonite Massacre	Jg 11:32-33	-	20,000
51	Jephthah's Daughter	Jg 11:39	1	1
52	42,000 killed for failing the "shibboleth" test	Jg 12.4-7, Heb 11.32	42,000	42,000
53	Samson murders 30 men for their clothes	Jg 14:19	30	30
54	Samson kills 1000 men with the jawbone of an ass	Jg 15:14-15	1,000	1,000
55	Samson kills 3000 in a suicide terrorist attack	Jg 16:27-30	3,000	3,000
56	A holy civil war (called by rotting concubine body part messages)	Jg 20:35-37	65,100	65,100
57	The End of Judges: Two genocides and 200 stolen virgins	Jg 21.10-14	-	10,000
58	God kills Eli's sons along with 34,000 Israelite soldiers	1Sam 2:25, 1Sam 4:11	34,002	34,002
59	God smote them with hemorrhoids in their secret parts	1Sam 5:1-12	-	3,000
60	God killed 50,070 for looking into the ark of the Lord	1Sam 6:19	50,070	50,070
61	The Lord thundered great thunder upon the Philistines	1Sam 7:10-11	-	1,000
62	Another Ammonite Massacre (and another God-inspired body-part message)	1Sam 11:6-13	-	1,000
63	Jonathan's very fist slaughter (not counting the one before)	1Sam 14:12-14	20	20
64	God forces the Philistines to kill each other	1Sam 14:20	-	1,000
65	The Amalekite genocide	1Sam 15:2-3	-	10,000
66	Samuel hacks Agag to death before the Lord	1Sam 15:32-33	1	1
67	David or Elhanan killed Goliath	1Sam 17.51, 2Sam 21.19	1	1
68	David killed 200 Philistines for their foreskins (to buy his first wife)	1Sam 18.27	200	200
69	David slew the Philistines with a great slaughter	1Sam 19.8	-	10,000
70	The Lord said to David, Go and smite the Philistines	1Sam 23:2-5	-	10,000
71	God killed Nabal (and David got his wife and other stuff)	1Sam 25:38	1	1
72	David committed genocides for the Philistines	1Sam 27.8-11	-	50,000
73	David spends the day killing Amalekites	1Sam 30:17	-	1,000
74	God kills Saul, his sons, and his men because Saul didn't kill all the Amalekites	1Sam 31:2, 1Chr 10:6	4	100
75	David killed the messenger	2Sam 1.15	1	1
76	David killed Rechab and Baanah, cut off their hands and feet, and hung up their dead bodies	2Sam 4.12	2	2
77	God helps David smite Philistines from the front and the rear	2Sam 5:19-25	-	2,000
78	God killed Uzzah for trying to keep the ark from falling	2Sam 6:6-7, 1Chr 13:9-10	1	1
79	David killed 2/3 Moabite POWs and enslaved the rest	2Sam 8.2		667
80	The Lord gave David victory wherever he went	2Sam 8.5, 10.18	65,850	66,850
81	David (Abishai, or Joab) killed 18,000 (or 12,000) Edomites (or Syrians) in the Valley of Salt and then killed every male in Edom	2Sam 8.13, 1Kg 11.15-16, 1Chr 18.12, Psalm 60:1	15,000	50,000
82	Thus did David unto all the children of Ammon	2Sam 11.1, 1Chr 20.1	-	1,000
83	God slowly kills a baby	2Sam 12:14-18	1	1
84	Famine and human sacrfice	2Sam 21:1-9	7	3,000
85	David's mighty men and their amazing killings	2Sam 23, 1Chr 11	1,403	3,400
86	A couple hundred thousand die because David had a census	2Sam 24:15, 1Chr 21:14	70,000	200,000
87	Solomon carried out the deathbed wish of David by having Joab and Shimei murdered	1Kg 2:29-34, 2:44-46	2	2
88	A tale of two prophets	1Kg 13:11-24	1	1
89	Jeroboam's son: God kills another child	1Kg 14:17	1	1
90	Jeroboam's family	1Kg 15:29	-	10
91	Baasha's family and friends	1Kg 16:11-12	-	20
92	Zimri burns to death	1Kg 16.18-19	1	1
93	The drought of Elijah	1Kg 17.1, Lk 4.25, James 5.17-18	-	3,000
94	Elijah kills 450 religious leaders in a prayer contest	1Kg 18.22-40	450	450
95	The first God-assisted slaughter of the Syrians	1Kg 20:20-21	-	10,000
96	God killed 100,000 Syrians for calling him a god of the hills	1Kg 20:28-29	100,000	100,000
97	God killed 27,000 Syrians by making a wall fall on them	1Kg 20:30	27,000	27,000
98	God sent a lion to kill a man for not smiting a prophet	1Kg 20:35-36	1	1
99	God kills Ahab for not killing a captured king	1Kg 20:42, 22:35	1	1
100	God burned to death 102 men for asking Elijah to come down from his hill	2Kg 1:10-12	102	102
101	God killed King Ahaziah for asking the wrong God	2Kg 1:16-17; 2Chr 22:7-9	1	1
102	God sent two bears to rip apart 42 boys for making fun of a prophet's bald head	2Kg 2:23-24	42	42
103	The Lord delivered the Moabites	2Kg 3:18-25	-	5,000
104	A skeptic is trampled to death	2Kg 7.2-20	1	1
105	Another seven year famine	2Kg 8:1	-	7,000
106	Jehoram of Israel	2Kg 9:24	1	1
107	Jezebel	2Kg 9:33-37	1	1
108	Seventy heads in two heaps	2Kg 10:6-10	70	70
109	Ahab's hometown family, friends, and priests	2Kg 10:11	-	100
110	Jehu killed Ahaziah's family	2Kg 10.12-13, 2Chr 22.7-9	42	42
111	Jehu and his partner kill the rest of Ahab's family	2Kg 10:17	-	100
112	Jehu assembles the followers of Baal and then slaughters them all	2Kg 10.18-25	-	1,000
113	Mattan the priest of Baal and Queen Athaliah	2Kg 11.17-20	2	2
114	God sends lions to eat those that don't fear him enough	2Kg 17:25-26	-	10
115	An angel killed 185,000 sleeping soldiers	2Kg 19:34, Is 37:36	185,000	185,000
116	God caused Sennacherib to be killed by his sons	2Kg 19:37	1	1
117	Josiah killed all the priests of the high places	2Kg 23.20	-	100
118	Another holy war	1Chr 5:18-22	-	50,000
119	God killed a half million Israelite soldiers	2Chr 13:17-18	500,000	500,000
120	Jeroboam	2Chr 13:20	1	1
121	God killed a million Ethiopians	2Chr 14:9-14	1,000,000	1,000,000
122	Everyone helped to destroy another	2Chr 20:22-25	-	30,000
123	God made Jehoram's bowels fall out	2Chr 21:14-19	1	1
124	Jehoram's sons	2Chr 22:1	-	3
125	Ahaziah of Judah	2Chr 22.7-9	1	1
126	Joash, the princes, and army of Judah	2Chr 24:20-25	1	10,000
127	God destroyed Amaziah	2Chr 25:15-27		1000
128	God smote Ahaz with the king of Syria	2Chr 28:1-5	-	10,000
129	God killed 120,000 valiant men for forsaking him	2Chr 28:6	120,000	120,000
130	The fall of Jerusalem	2Chr 36:16-17	-	10,000
131	God and Satan kill Job's children and slaves	Job 1:18-19	10	60
132	Hananiah	Jeremiah 28:15-16	1	1
133	Ezekiel's wife	Ezek 24:15-18	1	1
134	Annanias and Sapphira	Acts 5:1-10	2	2
135	Herod	Acts 12:23	1	1
136	Jesus	Rom 8:32, 1Pet 1.18-20	1	1
Total			2,476,633	24,644,205