For those of you who don't have Ezekiel 23:20 and Leviticus 26:29 memorized:
For she doted upon their paramours, whose flesh is as the flesh of asses, and whose issue is like the issue of horses. Ezekiel 23:20
And ye shall eat the flesh of your sons, and the flesh of your daughters shall ye eat. Leviticus 26:29
In Elijah's letter to Jehoram, he said that God would smite his children and his wives with a great plague.
Behold, with a great plague will the LORD smite thy people, and thy children, and thy wives. 2 Chronicles 21:14
From that, I expected God to send a disease to kill Jehoram's wives, children, and people. But he sent some Arabians instead.
Moreover the LORD stirred up against Jehoram the spirit of the Philistines, and of the Arabians, that were near the Ethiopians: And they came up into Judah, and brake into it, and carried away all the substance that was found in the king's house, and his sons also, and his wives; so that there was never a son left him, save Jehoahaz, the youngest of his sons. 2 Chronicles 21:16-17
So I figured the Arabians just enslaved Jehoram's wives and sons (Elijah, God, and the Bible say nothing about the daughters). But then, the next chapter starts with this:
And the inhabitants of Jerusalem made Ahaziah his youngest son king in his stead: for the band of men that came with the Arabians to the camp had slain all the eldest. 2 Chronicles 22:1
Which means that the Arabians didn't just take his sons and wives away; they killed them. And since God was the one who stirred them up in the first place, he deserves credit for killing Jehoram's sons. (The verse doesn't say what happened to the wives, daughters, or the rest of the people of Judah.)
How many sons were killed by the Arabians? The text doesn't say, so I'll guess 3.
There are some interesting things that I should mention about Jehoram's only surviving son.
Jehoram was not a very nice guy. When he became king he killed all of his brothers along with some Israelite princes.
Now when Jehoram was risen up to the kingdom of his father, he strengthened himself, and slew all his brethren with the sword, and divers also of the princes of Israel. 2 Chronicles 21:4
And then he did something that really pissed off God: he made all the people commit fornication.
Moreover he made high places in the mountains of Judah and caused the inhabitants of Jerusalem to commit fornication. 2 Chronicles 21:11
When the news got to Isaiah, he sent Jehoram a letter telling him he was in big trouble with God. God will smite his children, wives, and all the people of Judah with a great plague.
Behold, with a great plague will the LORD smite thy people, and thy children, and thy wives. 2 Chronicles 21:14
And he will smite Jehoram with a disease of his bowels until his bowels fall out.
And thou shalt have great sickness by disease of thy bowels, until thy bowels fall out. 2 Chronicles 21:15
God first "stirred up" some people to carry away his sons and wives.
the LORD stirred up against Jehoram the spirit of the Philistines, and of the Arabians, that were near the Ethiopians: And they came up into Judah, and brake into it, and carried away his sons also, and his wives ... save Jehoahaz, the youngest of his sons. 2 Chronicles 21:16-17
And then God smote Jehoram in his bowels with an incurable disease.
And after all this the LORD smote him in his bowels with an incurable disease. 2 Chronicles 21:18
For two years Jehoram suffered from the disease, until his bowels finally fell out.
And ... after the end of two years, his bowels fell out by reason of his sickness: so he died of sore diseases. 2 Chronicles 21:
Remember how Sarah Palin wrote crib notes on her hand at the Tea Party Convention?
Yeah well, she's not the only one. God did it, too!
Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands. Isaiah 49:16
And now she's quoting this verse to justify using her palm for a cheat sheet.
Here's what she said at a Ohio Right To Life fundraiser Friday night.
"If what was good enough for God, scribbling on the palm of his hand, it's good enough for me, for us,"
Of course the Right To Life folks loved it. They're all palm writers, too.
In the killing before last, God killed 500,000 Israelites. That was pretty impressive. But here, in the next chapter, God killed a million Ethiopians.
God got involved in this killing because he liked Asa, the king of Juda, so much. Asa did what was good and right in the eyes of the Lord, just like his ancestor David. (See here for some of the good and right things that David did.) He destroyed the temples of other gods and forbade their worship.
And Asa did that which was good and right in the eyes of the LORD his God: For he took away the altars of the strange gods, and the high places, and brake down the images, and cut down the groves. 2 Chronicles 14:2-3
And he drove homosexuals out of the land.
And he took away the sodomites out of the land. 1 Kings 15:12
So when the Ethiopians attacked Judah, you know which side God was on.
There came out against them Zerah the Ethiopian with an host of a thousand thousand. 2 Chronicles 14:9
All Asa had to do was ask.
And Asa cried unto the LORD his God, and said, LORD, it is nothing with thee to help, whether with many, or with them that have no power: help us, O LORD our God; for we rest on thee, and in thy name we go against this multitude. 2 Chronicles 14:11
And God killed all 1,000,000 Ethiopians, apparently all at once, in a single day.
So the LORD smote the Ethiopians ... they were destroyed before the LORD. 2 Chronicles 14:12-13
It was the largest, single, God-assisted slaughter in the Bible.
After God killed 500,000 of Israelite soldiers, he killed their leader, king Jeroboam.
Neither did Jeroboam recover strength again in the days of Abijah: and the LORD struck him, and he died. 2 Chronicles 13:20
You see, God hated Jeroboam as much as Steven L. Anderson hates Barack Obama.
To God, Jeroboam was the worst person who had ever lived.
Go, tell Jeroboam, Thus saith the LORD .... thou hast ... done evil above all that were before thee. 1 Kings 14:7-9
(
Why did God hate Jeroboam so much? Because after he became king he made two golden calves, put them on altars at Bethel and Dan, and led the people in sacrifices to them.)
God had already killed Jeroboam's son, and after God killed Jeroboam, he killed the rest of his family.
I'm not sure why. I guess it's all a part of God's family values.
Sometimes God has to kill a half million of his favorite people just to make a point of some kind. I'm not sure what the point was in this case, but that's beside the point, whatever it might have been.
Here's what happened.
There was a war between king Abijah of Judah and Jeroboam of Israel. Abijah had 400,000 "chosen men" and Jeroboam had 800,000 "mighty men of valor."
And Abijah set the battle in array with an army of valiant men of war, even four hundred thousand chosen men: Jeroboam also set the battle in array against him with eight hundred thousand chosen men, being mighty men of valour. 2 Chronicles 13:3
Abijah stood on a hilltop and delivered a long, boring speech to all 1.2 million men. (He had a very loud voice.)
And Abijah stood up upon mount Zemaraim, which is in mount Ephraim, and said, Hear me, thou Jeroboam, and all Israel; Ought ye not to know that the LORD God of Israel gave the kingdom over Israel to David for ever, even to him and to his sons by a covenant of salt?
...
...
...
And, behold, God himself is with us for our captain, and his priests with sounding trumpets to cry alarm against you. O children of Israel, fight ye not against the LORD God of your fathers; for ye shall not prosper. 2 Chronicles 13:4-12
When Abijah was done with his speech, Jeroboam's mighty men attacked from behind.
But Jeroboam caused an ambushment to come about behind them: so they were before Judah, and the ambushment was behind them. 2 Chronicles 13:13
But then the chosen men of Judah cried to God, blew some trumpets, and shouted all at once.
And when Judah looked back, behold, the battle was before and behind: and they cried unto the LORD, and the priests sounded with the trumpets. Then the men of Judah gave a shout. 2 Chronicles 13:14-15a
And then God got involved, killing 500,000 Israelite soldiers.
And as the men of Judah shouted, it came to pass, that God smote Jeroboam and all Israel before Abijah and Judah. And the children of Israel fled before Judah: and God delivered them into their hand. And Abijah and his people slew them with a great slaughter: so there fell down slain of Israel five hundred thousand chosen men. 2 Chronicles 13:15b-17
But it was all for a good cause. I'm just not sure what the cause was.
When I started documenting God's killings in the Bible back in January of 2009, I had 87 killings on God's list. Now there are 111, and I keep finding more as I go through the Bible.
I'm now in 1 Chronicles, which gets my vote for the most boring book ever written. Just try reading the first nine chapters some time. If you make it through, reading every word, you're probably the first person who ever has.
But hidden in the list of descendants of Reuben in chapter five, there's another one of God's killings, one that I'd missed before. I probably lost interest somewhere in the "These are the children of Abihail the son of Huri, the son of Jaroah, the son of Gilead, the son of Michael, the son of Jeshishai, the son of Jahdo, the son of Buz....."
So anyway, here's the story. I'm sorry it's so fucking boring, this being God's 100th killing and all.
It all starts with 44,760 sons of Reuben, who were valiant men that could shoot bows and hack things to pieces with swords.
The sons of Reuben, and the Gadites, and half the tribe of Manasseh, of valiant men, men able to bear buckler and sword, and to shoot with bow, and skilful in war, were four and forty thousand seven hundred and threescore, that went out to the war. 1 Chronicles 5:18
All they needed was a war to keep them busy. And they found one.
And they made war with the Hagarites, with Jetur, and Nephish, and Nodab. 1 Chronicles 5:19
While the sons of Reuben were fighting, they cried to God, so God decided to be on their side, delivering the Hagarites into their hand.
And the Hagarites were delivered into their hand, and all that were with them: for they cried to God in the battle, and he was intreated of them; because they put their trust in him. 1 Chronicles 5:
And that pretty much did it. Once you have God on your side in a holy war that is "of God," killing people is a piece of cake.
For there fell down many slain, because the war was of God. And they dwelt in their steads until the captivity. 1 Chronicles 5:22
All that's left is to collect the booty.
And they took away their cattle; of their camels fifty thousand, and of sheep two hundred and fifty thousand, and of asses two thousand, and of men an hundred thousand. 1 Chronicles 5:21
Which is pretty good, as booty goes. 50,000 camels, a quarter million sheep, 2000 asses, and 100,000 slaves.
But how many were killed in this holy war of God? It's a shame that God doesn't tell us, but with 100,000 slaves, I'd think the valiant sons of Reuben must have killed 50,000 or so. What with God on their side and all.
Poor king Hezekiah was upset, so upset, in fact, that he "rent his clothes."
(Why do people rent their clothes in the Bible?
Because they can't afford to buy them.)
And it came to pass, when king Hezekiah heard it, that he rent his clothes. 2 Kings 19:1, Isaiah 37:1
You see, Hezekiah had just heard the commanding officer (Rabshakeh) of the Assyrian army say that Hezekiah and his people would soon be "eating their own dung and drinking their own piss."
But Rabshakeh said unto them, Hath my master sent me to thy master, and to thee, to speak these words? hath he not sent me to the men which sit on the wall, that they may eat their own dung, and drink their own piss with you? 2 Kings 18:27, Isaiah 36:12
So Hezekiah, who didn't like eating dung or drinking piss, sent a message to Isaiah, asking him what he should do about it. Isaiah told him not to worry. God would put a spirit (or "a blast" in the KJV) in the king of Assyria (Sennacherib) so that he will "hear a rumor" to return to his home in Ninevah. Then God will cause him to be killed with the sword.
Behold, I will send a blast upon him, and he shall hear a rumour, and shall return to his own land; and I will cause him to fall by the sword in his own land. 2 Kings 19:7, Isaiah 37:7
And that's what happened. Sennacherib returned to Ninevah and was killed by his sons while he was in church praying.
And it came to pass, as he was worshipping in the house of Nisroch his god, that Adrammelech and Sharezer his sons smote him with the sword. 2 Kings 19:37, Isaiah 37:37
But then, he was praying to the wrong God so he deserved it.
Well, the title pretty much says it all, since it all happens place in a single verse (that is repeated twice in the Bible).
185,000 sleeping Assyrian soldiers were killed by an angel of the Lord. And when they woke up the next morning "behold, they were all dead."
And it came to pass that night, that the angel of the LORD went out, and smote in the camp of the Assyrians an hundred fourscore and five thousand: and when they arose early in the morning, behold, they were all dead corpses. 2 Kings 19:35, Isaiah 37:36
They probably all woke up and said in unison (as is customary in the Bible), "Shucks, I'm dead."
God wants you to fear him. If you don't fear him enough, he'll do something to make you afraid of him. Like send lions to eat you.
They feared not the LORD: therefore the LORD sent lions among them, which slew some of them. 2 Kings 17:25
He also likes you to obey his laws, even if you've never heard of them before. If you are unfamiliar with his laws or don't follow them properly, he'll send lions to eat you.
The nations which ... know not the manner of the God of the land: therefore he hath sent lions among them, and, behold, they slay them, because they know not the manner of the God of the land. 2 Kings 17:26
I just thought you should know that.
After Jehu finished killing Ahab's family in Samaria, he called an assembly to worship Baal.
Jehu gathered all the people together, and said unto them, Ahab served Baal a little; but Jehu shall serve him much. 2 Kings 10:18
Jehu would lead the sacrifice to Baal and any follower of Baal that did not come would be killed.
Now therefore call unto me all the prophets of Baal, all his servants, and all his priests; let none be wanting: for I have a great sacrifice to do to Baal; whosoever shall be wanting, he shall not live. 2 Kings 10:19a
But he was lying, of course. He assembled the followers of Baal, not to worship Baal with them as he said, but to kill them all.
But Jehu did it in subtilty ... that he might destroy the worshippers of Baal. 2 Kings 10:19b
So Jehu called the assembly.
Jehu said, Proclaim a solemn assembly for Baal. And they proclaimed it. And Jehu sent through all Israel: and all the worshippers of Baal came, so that there was not a man left that came not. And they came into the house of Baal; and the house of Baal was full from one end to another. 2 Kings 10:20-21
Then he told 80 of his men to kill of the worshipers of Baal, saying he'd kill whoever let any escape.
And when they went in to offer sacrifices and burnt offerings, Jehu appointed fourscore men without, and said, If any of the men whom I have brought into your hands escape, he that letteth him go, his life shall be for the life of him. 2 Kings 10:24
When Jehu finished his sacrifice to Baal, he ordered the sacrifice of all of the followers of Baal.
As soon as he had made an end of offering the burnt offering, that Jehu said to the guard and to the captains, Go in, and slay them; let none come forth. And they smote them with the edge of the sword. 2 Kings 10:25
God approved of this and all of Jehu's previous mass murders. He liked them so much, in fact, that Jehu's sons would be kings of Israel for the next four generations.
And the LORD said unto Jehu, Because thou hast done well in executing that which is right in mine eyes, and hast done unto the house of Ahab according to all that was in mine heart, thy children of the fourth generation shall sit on the throne of Israel. 2 Kings 10:25
But the story doesn't say that God told Jehu to this one, so I'll just call it a God-approved killing, and leave it off the official list of God's killings.
Bryan Fischer at RenewAmerica.com has a great idea. Let's apply scripture to everyday life.
Take the recent, tragic incident at SeaWorld in Olando, where a trainer was killed by an orca, for example. It wouldn't have happened if we paid attention to scripture.
Mr. Fischer says that God's instructions on such matters are clearly laid out in Exodus 21:28-29.
So let's take a look at these verses.
If an ox gore a man or a woman, that they die: then the ox shall be surely stoned, and his flesh shall not be eaten; but the owner of the ox shall be quit. Exodus 21:28
Well, I'm not sure that this verse applies directly to orcas, but I like the way Bryan is thinking. So let's stay with him on this.
Exodus 21:28 says that if someone is killed by an ox, then we must stone the ox to death.
Which means, I guess, that we should stone Tilikum to death.
This brings up some practical problems, though, doesn't it? How can we can stone an orca to death? I guess Mr. Fischer thinks we should try.
But however we kill Tilikum, we can't eat him afterward. Oh, and the owner is to be considered blameless.
On to verse 29.
But if the ox were wont to push with his horn in time past, and it hath been testified to his owner, and he hath not kept him in, but that he hath killed a man or a woman; the ox shall be stoned, and his owner also shall be put to death. Exodus 21:29
This verse makes things much more interesting, especially since this was not the first time someone was "gored" by Tilikum.
If we follow the Bible on this, we not only have find a way to stone Tilikum, we also have to kill his owner (or owners), as well.
Yeah, the the folks at Sea World should have followed the Bible.
Or maybe we should just stop using large predators as entertainment.
After meeting with Ahaziah's family (and killing them all), Jehu got into his chariot and drove away furiously toward Samaria. On his way he ran across and old friend, Jehonadab.
Jehu asked Jehonadab, "Is your heart as true to mine as mine is to yours?" And Jehonadb said, "It is." (I guess they were really good friends.)
When he was departed thence, he lighted on Jehonadab the son of Rechab coming to meet him: and he saluted him, and said to him, Is thine heart right, as my heart is with thy heart? And Jehonadab answered, It is. 2 Kings 10:15a
Then Jehu said, "If it is, give me your hand." (This is getting so romantic!)
If it be, give me thine hand. 2 Kings 10:15b
So Jehu reached out his hand and took Jehonadab into the chariot.
And he gave him his hand; and he took him up to him into the chariot. 2 Kings 10:15c
When Jehonadab and Jehu were finally together, Jehu said, "Come with me, and see my zeal for the Lord."
And he said, Come with me, and see my zeal for the LORD. 2 Kings 10:16
Then the two men, whose hearts were true to each other, rode off into the sunset toward Samaria.
When they arrived in Samaria, they slaughtered the rest of Ahab's family, "according to the saying of the LORD, which he spake to Elijah."
And when he came to Samaria, he slew all that remained unto Ahab in Samaria, till he had destroyed him, according to the saying of the LORD, which he spake to Elijah. 2 Kings 10:17
And by so doing, the true-hearted partners expressed their zeal for the Lord.
The Bible doesn't say how many were killed, so I just guessed 100.
There really should be a Brick Testament story for this one!
After Jehu killed what remained of Ahab's family in Jezreel, he went to Samaria and met with the family of Ahaziah.
And he arose and departed, and came to Samaria. And ... met with the brethren of Ahaziah king of Judah, and said, Who are ye? And they answered, We are the brethren of Ahaziah; and we go down to salute the children of the king and the children of the queen. 2 KIngs 10:12-13
It was a short, productive meeting. Jehu had only one action item: kill all the attendees.
And he said, Take them alive. And they took them alive, and slew them at the pit of the shearing house, even two and forty men; neither left he any of them. 2 KIngs 10:14
That's all that 2 Kings says about it. But the killing is also covered in 2 Chronicles.
The destruction of Ahaziah was of God by coming to Joram: for when he was come, he went out with Jehoram against Jehu the son of Nimshi, whom the LORD had anointed to cut off the house of Ahab. And it came to pass, that, when Jehu was executing judgment upon the house of Ahab, and found the princes of Judah, and the sons of the brethren of Ahaziah, that ministered to Ahaziah, he slew them. And he sought Ahaziah: and they caught him, (for he was hid in Samaria,) and brought him to Jehu: and when they had slain him. 2 Chronicles 22:7-9
So we know that the killing of Ahaziah's 42 relatives was "of God" -- which means that God approved of these killings.
But was it part of Jehu's hit list from God?
I guess God only knows that, and he's not telling.
(I guess even God has the right to remain silent.)
When it comes to God's killings in the Bible, context matters. And it almost always makes them less defensible.
Maybe that's why I can't find any believers to explain how context makes God's killings OK.
In God's last killing, the chicken-shit leaders of Jezreel sent Jehu the heads of Ahab's sons (all 70 of them).
But that didn't quite satisfy Jehu. He had his orders from God, given to him by Elisha when Jehu was made king.
Thus saith the LORD God ... thou shalt smite the house of Ahab thy master ... The whole house of Ahab shall perish: and I will cut off from Ahab him that pisseth against the wall ....And I will make the house of Ahab like the house of Jeroboam ... and Baasha ... And the dogs shall eat Jezebel in the portion of Jezreel, and there shall be none to bury her. 2 Kings 9:6-10
So although he was off to a good start, having killed Ahab's son, Jehoram, Ahab's wife, Jezebel, and 70 of Ahab's sons, there still might be a few wall-pissing family or friends of Ahab left to kill.
The first place that Jehu looked was Ahab's old hometown, Jezreel. He searched the town and found all of Ahab's family, friends, and priests -- whoever that was associated somehow with Ahab and might also have pissed against a wall at one time or another.
And then he killed them all.
So Jehu slew all that remained of the house of Ahab in Jezreel, and all his great men, and his kinsfolks, and his priests, until he left him none remaining. 2 Kings 10:11
Then he took his search elsewhere.
The text doesn't say how many of Ahab's family and friends were killed in Jezreel. I'll just say 100.
Jehu was on a mission from God.
(Like Anton Chigurh in "No Country for Old Men," but without the coin tosses.)
First he killed one of Ahab's sons, Jehoram. Then he killed Ahab's wife, Jezebel. Now it was time to take care of the rest of Ahab's family.
He started by writing letters to the rulers of Jezreel challenging them fight for Ahab's sons. But they were intimidated by Jehu (they'd probably heard about his previous murders) and said that they would do whatever he wanted.
So Jehu wrote another letter telling them what he wanted: Bring him the heads of all 70 of Ahab's sons tomorrow.
Then he wrote a letter the second time to them, saying, If ye be mine, and if ye will hearken unto my voice, take ye the heads of the men your master's sons, and come to me to Jezreel by to morrow this time. Now the king's sons, being seventy persons, were with the great men of the city, which brought them up. 2 Kings 10:6
And that's what they did. They killed Ahab's 70 sons, put the heads in baskets, and brought them to Jehu.
And it came to pass, when the letter came to them, that they took the king's sons, and slew seventy persons, and put their heads in baskets, and sent him them to Jezreel. 2 Kings 10:7
When Jehu heard that the heads had arrived, he said to put them in two heaps at the city gate and let them stay there overnight.
And there came a messenger, and told him, saying, They have brought the heads of the king's sons. And he said, Lay ye them in two heaps at the entering in of the gate until the morning. 2 Kings 10:8
The next morning Jehu went out and told the people that "the LORD hath done that which he spake by his servant Elijah." (See 1 Kings 21:21)
But there were still others that God wanted Jehu to visit.
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