During my blog black-out, I've been conversing with a lady who is set to deliver her first baby any day now. One thing that keeps coming up in our discussion is pain relief during labor. I've had four deliveries resulting in live births (as near to term as I could get). The one common thread, in four very different stories, is that labor hurts. It hurts like hell. The only difference is the manner and location of the pain.

I do know some women who've done pain free births. One such woman reads this blog (Amy) and would probably share her experience with you. Another woman named Erin had a great birth story you should read (maybe she'll pop up and share a link). I know women who've birthed just about everywhere and I hope they'll join the discussion to share what they know.

What I do know is that any religious claim to pain is bull. It's true that the most ardent fundy will claim that labor pain is a woman's duty. But, to them I ask...what about the Biblical promise to Adam. God knows that, to create another, Adam must be put through great pain. To remove the rib from Adam to make Eve, Adam will be subjected to great pain. What does God do? He puts Adam to sleep. Read that again. God puts Adam to asleep to avoid the pain of bringing forth a new human being. Where, exactly, is the religious objection to relieving pain in child birth? I say that they don't have a leg to stand on. If God exists, he/she/it certainly expects us to use our wisdom to alleviate human suffering. If he doesn't, then I expect outrage over the women who get pregnant by non-religious piety in IVF clinics all across the nation. The religious right doesn't seem to object to the interference of man in that case.

Moving along - take the meds if you want them! Don't allow a cleric wearing a dog collar (especially an unmarried cleric) tell you that your fear of pain is proof of your lack of will. Dry that out and you could fertilize a golf course.

"What To Expect", while a wonderful series, has screwed an entire generation of women into thinking that a book can adequately prepare you for what labor will be like for you. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAhahahah-ha-itty-haha! There's nothing that will prepare you for your birth. It is what is it is. Go with it.

Don't buy into the catty, b/s religious crap...
Scientology says "don't scream" or you'll imprint chaos and negativity onto the baby. Let me just roll the ole' oculars. *pause* I've seen men grunt while taking a six oz. shite on the toilet. I've seen a burly, manly-man groan when hefting a ten pound bag of lawn fertilizer up a slight incline. The truth is that humans react to pain by engaging in some noise making. Can you imagine what it would be like to watch a martial arts master blast through an I-block without his "Heeeyaaaaaaaa!"? Shoot. Go out in a blaze of glory, friend! You don't have to swear Kathy Griffin style, but a few "shits" and growls won't damn you to hell. I'd be willing to bet most people can't hoe a garden without a few oral celebrations or utterances...you think it's reasonable to pass a seven pound bundle of bone and muscle through your coocher without making a peep. Me thinks you're a bit to hard on yourself.

Don't fear the pain relief. No one is going to stand at the door to the hospital and demand a drug test before you leave. There's no special parking spot for "morphine moms" or "epidural wussies" at Baby'sRUs. Within ten minutes after birth, I'll guarantee you that no one gives two shoots about what you had to take to deal with your ordeal. They'll be too busy counting toes and asking about the consistency of meconium.

I've had the Douala's. I think they're handy. They're not healing incarnate and they're not a substitute for a husband, mate, or good friend who loves you. But, they'll do. Their sole duty is to hold you hand and cheer lead you on without actually involving Mylar and spanky pants. They move your favorite pillow and give you scalpel massages, totally understanding that that little hair on your head is a mental barrier for your baby's entrance to the world. It's okay!

You're right. Pain is generally there for a reason. That doesn't mean we accept that it needs to hand out for another eight hours to re-remind us that there's a big, wiggly barrel load of baby eyeing your snatch as it's emergency exit. I have yet to hear of a twenty year old who approaches his mom, joint in hand, who says "Yo, Madre! That teensy hit of morphine you hand when I was less than born totally primed my receptors for opiates. I remember how great it felt to be wasted AND wonder why someone was shoving my face into gazongas I'd never seen before." It just doesn't happen. It's no big deal. You'll make mistakes that really count later.

Just sleep well, great white mother. You won't be pregnant forever. :)

Questions from the ole' inbox.

Did you stop blogging? I miss your posts.
Short answer? No. Long answer. I have too much else going on to put blogging on any priority list. I know there are some rumors and innuendo going around that might deserve responses, but I don't have the time, nor the inclination. Information is on a need to know basis temporarily. I have four amazing, beautiful kids who have always come first and that won't be changing any time soon. I know most of you understand.

What did you think of Obama's speech?

I assume you mean the inauguration? I don't know. It was pretty typical. I'm excited about change for the country. I'm normally not a change for change's sake person but this change of power feels right. It's time for new ideas and strategies. It's time to regroup on policy and I think Obama will institute that reflection. I think he'll change what needs changing while respecting the things that are working.

Did any of your kids bite? What did you do because I'm out of ideas?

Every kid but P1 went through a biting phase. My response depended on the kid with the chomping habit. I think you have to really ask "why?" they're biting and work from there. Is it frustration? Is it pain from teething? Is it anger? Is it to cause pain to the bite'ee? Is the kid bored or do they want attention? Send me a private e-mail explaining the situation or comment here. I can't promise a speedy response but I'll look for it. Mostly just know that biting is common in preschoolers/toddlers. You don't see many ten year old kids who make a habit of biting so I promise you can handle this.

Where do you get your art supplies? You told me before and I can't find the link. Is it tempera that kids use for painting?

www.discountschoolsupplies.com is a good place for kids stuff. If you can't find it there, try Classrooms Direct. Tempera is for every day painting, on cheap paper. If you want to paint on plastic/clay/wood, I suggest acrylics at Michael's Crafts. Watercolor is another cheap alternative and easy to clean up, but it only works on non-glossy, woven paper. It runs on newsprint. E-mail me.

Where do you find baby corn?

In a can at the market. Try the canned veggie section.

I swear, the best cooking I do is when I'm trying to throw something together with five minutes on the clock. I wanted some thing warm and pasta-y without getting spaghetti meetballs or whatever. So, I put some shell macaroni to boil in one pot. I chopped up some left over olives and walnuts until they resembled a cracker spread. Meanwhile, I took some bacon left over from breakfast and nuked them until they were crispy. Opened a can of artichoke hearts in crushed a few of those. Threw in two slices of provo and a little blue cheese. Mix together and enjoy! I'm in heaven. Forgot to write the spices I used: bay leaves, basil, garlic, cumin.

Writing this makes me feel sick to my stomach, but new years mean new beginnings. Early this month, Pdad served me with divorce papers less than twenty-four hours before I had to be in court. He made early attempts to have the kids removed from my care with an emergency hearing. As far as I could see, his only reasoning was that my illness prevents me from being a good mom. He didn't win that hearing. Right now, we're splitting custody and trying to find new normals. I won't pretend to know why he's doing this and why he chose to do it at Christmas. I'm sure I'm not a perfect wife. I'm sure the last few years have been disappointing for him (dealing with the limitations of an illness, four kids, and the pressures of life). I've sat on this for weeks because I'm not proud of it and I know some will take pleasure in reading this. My kids had to be and will continue to be the first priority. Pdad did mention this blog (by the "Atheist in a Mini-Van" title) in papers with the negative intent. I need to use care with what is said here. If your comment doesn't make it through, please accept and respect that.

The possums are adjusting. Staying two days away is hardest for the little possums. Christmas was difficult, but we tried keeping our traditions as close to normal as possible. They had a good Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. :) A person I used to respect would always say, "take it a day at a time". That's what we'll do. This is going to suck, but it will make us all stronger people. There's no alternative.

I appreciated the e-mails asking if we were okay. I wasn't sure how to respond.

Here's to new years and friends.

I hear you guys! Everything isn't okay, but it will be down the road. For the time being, I can't post much. I only want to wish you all a great holiday season! Have a holly jolly one!

It won. The pineapple that is.

When I was small, I loved pineapple and ate a lot of it. My mom was the queen of the upside-down cake. During Owen's pregnancy, I realized that pineapple made me itch. Over the last four years, my reaction to it has become worse than annoying. I know enough to know that allergies like this can get worse over time.

Pdaddy took the kids to Elephant Bar last night. I called him and asked him to bring me a plate of grilled shrimp. I also told him to ask about the ingredients to make sure there was no pineapple. I knew that they had some dishes where they used pineapple, but the menu said nothing about it for that dish. PDad asked and the waiter went away, came back, and said "no worries". Hubby brings it home, I eat about three shrimp and start on the veggies below. My mouth immediately tingled. Then I felt like it was blistering. Guess what was in the vegetables? Pineapple. Four large chunks and some yellowish juice. I took three Benedryl tabs and waited to see what was going to happen. In five minutes, I had a rash on my face and chest. My throat hurt really bad, too. I chugged children's Benedryl because it's liquid and hits the bloodstream faster (not to mention hitting my mouth directly). It seems to slow the reaction down and I planned to just watch it. I must've fallen asleep. At three, I found that I couldn't breathe at all. My throat was swollen bad. Moving air was getting difficult. I carry an epi pen for a bee allergy and I hate the pen. I stumbled to my purse and found it, jammed it in my leg, and sat on my floor waiting for it to work. It eventually kicked in enough for me to catch my breath and walk to where Mike had fallen asleep. Had to go to the ER to get checked out and they gave me IV meds. That doctor said I need to take my efforts to avoid pineapple farther.

Anyway, I know it's hard to be a waiter, but this isn't funny. Lazy is one thing. Putting a life in jeopardy is another. Elephant Bar is going to compensate us for our ER copay, thank Buddha! The corporate office is going to insist the franchsie go through extra training. That's more than I thought they'd do so I'm giving them a thumbs up for being responsible. The question I have is what's next? I had to be given a sedative last night because all I could think of was how often pineapple is on the menu in this town. If you have a food allergy, what do you do?

Jeebus, I've been pissing and moaning way too much here lately. You'd think that psychotic family members and rude friends were the only noteworthy things in my life. LOL Therefore...I deem this post a happy post. I'm starting a meme - What makes you happy? The rules are simple: list ten things you're happy about or thankful for. Tag ten people who you're happy to call friend at the end of the meme.

1. I'm excited about Christmas. P4 is very into it this year and his eyes gleam with excitement. He's figured out where I hide the gifts and since it took his sibs years to figure that out... I'm kind of impressed by his observation skills. :)
2. I finished an amazing book. It's called "A Blistered Kind of Love". The book is a journal kept by a husband and wife who hiked the Pacific Crest Trail. I love books that take me to another place and get my mind out of the house.
3. The re-arranging of the craft area is almost finished and the family room is ready for the tree to be put up.
4. My friend Vamp is back from Hawaii. I missed her. I'm happy she's home and had a nice vacay.
5. P3's garden is beautiful. Here it is, almost winter, and she still has amazing flowers. She's got a green thumb. I can see her garden from my computer and the huge clumps of white (baby's breath), purple (pansies), flaming pink (azaleas), and huge gerber daisies of all colors look like her canvas. I'll try to take a picture in the morning.
6. I found a great Christmas gift for Pdaddy. He's really hard to shop for so this, strangely, makes me ecstatic.
7. I watched the Great Escape yesterday. It's free on demand if you have AMC (American Movie Classics). If you don't', I would rent it. It's set in WWII: the story of POWs who tunnel out of a German camp. It's not a sad-free movie but I love seeing a young James Garner. If I were seventy, I'd hit that.
8. I'm grateful for the cold weather and early sunsets. Dark is good! Cold means busting out our sweaters and thick bedding. There's nothing better than lying in a cold room with only your nose sticking out from under the covers. The air just seems fresher on those nights. (Yeah. I realize how strange that sounds.)
9. I'm grateful for my fingerless gloves.
10. The smell of cinnamon and nutmeg make me happy.

Your turn.
I am tagging Vamp, Russell, Sean, Berlie, Calladus, Poodles, P1, P2, Anthro Amy, the Chaplain (from Apostate's Chapel). If you don't see your name, I still tap you.

This is a continuation post (of sorts).

Let's talk about Armageddon/"Doomsday". According to most Christian websites, Armageddon will be the final battle between God and Satan - a theological Smack Down! Different religions and different holy books have varied accounts of what will happen when this battle begins, but they all seem to agree that during the war between God and an anti-Christ, there will be disease, suffering, fires, earthquakes, your "horsemen", and the scariest possible circumstances that the world would ever face. Fear, desolation, and epic terror will, allegedly, rule the day and the only thing that will save your butt is fighting on God's side (or doing one of any number of devotionals/pledges/statements of allegiance to a deity).

This scenario brings several questions to the surface.
* If God is all knowing, then Satan is an idiot. Would you go into a battle knowing that all of your moves will be known through your enemy's omniscience? Satan is said to know the nature of God. In some religions, Satan is said to be Jesus' brother (LDS). If you always lose, why fight the war at all?
* If God is all-powerful, why does he need thugs? Why does he need the horsemen? Which leads me to my next question...
*God must be a tyrannical arsehole. If he's all powerful and he's disappointed in humanity, then couldn't he just blink it out of existence? No muss, no fuss. If he created it all then he can un-create it all. But, no! Instead of exercising his power in this manner, he chooses to draw arbitrary lines in the sand and let chaos, death, disaster, and (if you believe the Bible) the most intense human suffering possible. Claiming that your God is a benevolent wonder while claiming that you believe in the end times is one of the biggest hypocrisies I can think of. These actions are not those of the most powerful energy in the universe. No. It's more like giving a two year old a collection of nuclear weapons and a biological arsenal and saying, "If these people don't choose to put you on a pedestal,...have fun!"
*I'm sure some people are reading this and thinking, "But...it's not that God wants people to suffer. Satan and man's sin will be responsible for the suffering." Ok. Then your God isn't the most powerful being because he can't snuff out Satan. Your God is also a royal jerk. "Eve" bites the apple and your all powerful deity decides that, because of this indiscretion, he will hold billions of people responsible? You'd think he would've created a poisonous apple if it's such a big fucking deal. If you eat the apple, then you die. Again,...no muss, no fuss.
*"But God wouldn't do that...he's giving everyone a chance." No! He's not! If he's all knowing, then he knows who is going to help his enemies or deny him. He's holding a terrorist threat over the heads of humanity and saying, "Choose me or subject yourself to eternal torture." That's not a choice. That's manipulative terrorism. Why not just say "If you don't choose me, you will be denied my presence. You'll just cease to be - no heaven for you." Why hell? Why would the all-knowing, all-powerful master of the universe need to create hell? This also brings up the issue of predestination. Did God allow certain people to be born only to suffer?
* Why would a perfectly just God allow infinite suffering for finite crimes?
* Why are the punishments and scenarios limited to only things that ancient writers would've been able to conceive of? Notice that it's the four "horsemen" and not the four guys driving hybrid cars. There's no mention of pilots vanishing from the cockpit of planes (ala Kirk Cameron's style of "the rapture"). There's no talk of AIDS. No mention of nuclear weapons or biological warfare. There's not even the mention of massive global warming or ferocious blizzards. Why? Because none of these events would've happened, or been foreseeable, to the writers of the Bible! If the Bible had spoke of four, evil mortgage lenders or evolutionists on Segways riding across the skies, then I'd give the Christian God a bit more credibility for being the all-knowing, all-seeing, prophetic master of the universe.

The concept of Doomsday/End Times/Armageddon is a purely human concept. It's about power. You take the people you want to control and scare them into behaving the way you want them to (need them to). That's all this is. Most people don't' want to die and/or suffer. It's that fear that can be the greatest motivator in human experience. Using that fear to gain followers is a joke.

I know I'm not the first person to ask these questions (and I won't be the last).