I have made it home safely after taking a trip to PA and having a run in with a highway crossing deer who thought it would commit suicide by running in front of my truck! The deer was right and I have a no headlight on the driver’s side and I am sure that big dent in my hood isn’t helping the aerodynamics of my truck either. The deer took off, so I don’t know if it had insurance. I also suspect the deer had been drinking as it was a big holiday weekend for drinking. I am hoping that it will seek help and counseling for these issues should it make it after the hit.

On a more serious note, this experience has been just another notch in my belt of reasons to revisit my life and what is important to me.   I have blogged about this new thinking here and here and here. This whole experience could have been worse.  I have heard horror stories of people that hit deer and had them come through the windshield.  I am extremely grateful both Rick and I are safe.  Today is my partner’s birthday, so I won’t be spending much time here blogging because I realize that blogging isn’t as important to me as my partner or my life. I could spend 24-7 here trying to change the world, but I am learning that the way to change the world starts closer to home. Peace starts at home.

The best way we could honor our troops is to start doing things that promote peace in our lives. Learn to listen rather than talk. Think twice about buying products that are made in countries that don’t treat workers well. Meet your neighbors and talk with them about your community. Give some canned goods to your local food bank (it could end up on the tables of the families of our troops.) When you can, if you can, please give some time at the “time bank” nearest you. You could even get the time back from someone when you need it. I really love the sense of community time banks offer.

If the troops out there know we are doing our part here to promote peace, I bet they will feel a lot better about the tough choices they have to make and the actions they will have to take. I have gone to a number of workshops on mental health and returning veterans and their families. The effects of this war have been more devastating to the mental health of our troops and their families then we have seen yet.

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The Universe Leans to the Side Of Justice

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I can’t help but stop again to think after learning the numbers of people killed, injured, left without homes or even family pictures. To wake up one day and have it all gone and what is left is in pieces. For some reason, these events have struck a nerve for me. I was driving in my car today and thinking about this gift basket I won at a conference I attended. I have no idea what is in the basket, but I have already decided I will be giving most of it away. I know I will get more joy out of giving the stuff away then I will keeping the stuff. I am sure it will make my friends and co-workers happier than me. (It is rumored to have Red Sox “trinkets” in it)

I remember being at the conference and they were handing out everything including pens, clocks, canvas bags and foam things to squeeze when you are stressed. Tons of “stuff” that I just don’t need. I made up my mind and told my co-worker, don’t let me take stupid stuff I don’t need just because it is neat. I asked her to remind me why I don’t want this stuff. She did remind me, being the good friend she is. She also reminded me why I don’t want this stuff. It is bad for me, the environment and and others. Didn’t work because I got trapped in how cool it was. I still ended up with a travel clock, a calculator, and a nice pen that doubles as a laser pointer. I have since given many of those things away and slapped myself on the wrist for taking them when I said I wouldn’t. I am hoping to resist better next time.

It seems that we Americans are addicted to “stuff.” We do everything we can to have the best stuff and we are constantly working toward getting better stuff. Regardless what we have, there is something better we wish we had. There is always a bigger flatscreen or more “bling” to get. I myself fall into this once in awhile, but for the most part in the past year or so, I am getting it: It is just stuff.

A big tornado can come and take it all away. The earthquake can rock Rhode Island and break my stuff into pieces. It is times of trouble that we realize, it is all just stuff. What counts for me are the people I love. (Starting with my partner, Rick)

I wish I had not read the papers today.  I woke up in a pretty good mood and I am currently taking some time today just to appreciate my safe surroundings, the safety of those I love and the next breaths I take.   It is all you can do when you add up the death, destruction and suffering that has occurred in the lasy 5 to 7 days.   Close to 100,000 human beings have lost their lives in disasters, bombings, and weather extremes in the last week and an esitmated, mind boggling number of people are currently facing hunger, disease and homelessness.  

In Myanmar, an estimated 1.5 million people are facing grims futures.  In China, over 18,000 people may be buried alive in rubble from an earthquake.  In India, 45 people have been killed in bombings.  In Florida, USA wildfires are leaving humdreds of families homeless.

This sounds like one of those days where it is worth stopping what you are doing for just five minutes and recognizing the beauty of the fact you are alive and safe.   For so many, that is not the case.   In the wake of such destruction, loss and pain, I feel grateful to be healthy, safe and alive.

Whenever someone says to me that I should believe in god, these are the reasons I cannot believe.   This is the evidence that god does not exist or at least confirmation that the current evidence is pretty weak.

Crystal Dixon, the anti-gay side’s newest hero, is a human resource associate vice-president who made a handful of comments including:

“As a Black woman … I take great umbrage at the notion that those choosing the homosexual lifestyle are civil rights victims. I cannot wake up tomorrow and not be a Black woman. Daily thousands of homosexuals make a life decision to leave the gay lifestyle.”

I am so exhausted as a 38 year old gay man of hearing this tired old, just stupid argument that gays chose to be gay. It is easy to believe gays choose to be gay if you completely ignore everything we have ever learned about sexuality. It is easy if you just ignore we are human. It is easy to over-simplify it to a simple choice we made if, you completely ignore the facts, but that must be the case. It is easy if you ignore the terrorized faces of every kid crying as he tells his family he is gay. If you completely ignore the facts about the pain, suffering and shame that must be overcome to come out, than you can call it a choice. The Crystal Dixon’s of the world must just ignore all the facts.

I wonder if it is worth talking about facts anymore when people like Ms. Dixon, Ms. Harp, and Mr. LaBarbera don’t care about facts anyway. I don’t think it matters what the facts are they would dispute them anyway. LaBarbera and harp seems to be interested in being famous and powerful. I believe they care more about winning the argument than owning their damages.

I think we should just tell them what they wanna hear and be done with it. So hear it is. I chose to be gay. I woke up one day when I was about 5 or 6 years old and said, to hell with it all and me. I am gonna be gay. I am gonna be athletically useless just like the stereotype say I should be. I am gonna learn show tunes and learn tap. I am going to let the other kids beat the crap out of me and call me a faggot. Not sure why I made that choice, but yup, I did.

Along with making the choice to be gay, I would also like to admit that being gay is all about sex. There really isn’t anything more to this. It is just sex. In fact, my entire life has been about sex. Sex…sex…sex. I would write more about this but I have said it all. It is about sex. (how long will it be before this is taken out of context)

If this is what these anti-gay folks want to hear, we should just spoon feed it to them like grits on toast. Whatever it takes to show them how utterly dehumanizing and hurtful their claims are or force them to show their hands. What the fuck is your end game people? What does the world look like if you got what it is your are working toward? Are the gay people in camps waiting for the gas chambers? WHAT IS YOUR DEAL?

Paint me a picture. I would just like to know what the world looks like if these right wing, fundamentalist Christians actually got what they were working toward.

I just finished a three-day training today in restorative justice. I am blown away by the vast amounts of things I learned in the three days. I can barely process all of it, my head is so full. I was learning more about victim/offender conferencing or mediation and more about the current criminal justice system than I ever have.

One of the larger concepts I walked away with from the workshop is how completely unfriendly our current justice system is to victims of crime. Even the court process is about the state vs. offender. Victims are left only as witnesses. They rarely have a voice in the process. When they do, it can be limited to victim impact statements that in some states, get this, are limited to 250 words.  How do you explain the impact, damage, emotion and loss to crime in your life in 250 words or less? In some higher profile cases, the press is given better seating in the courtroom at the trial than the victims.   I had no idea how insensitive the criminal justice system was for the victims of crime and/or their families.

The process is also traumatizing and ineffective when it comes to offenders. The idea that these are humans who made a bad choice vs. the idea these are bad people is often, if not always, lost on the system.   We treat them so badly that it is no wonder recidivism is so high. Rather than restoring or making any attempt at changing the circumstances, issues or problems that cause crime, we spend our time punishing the crime.   I am learning that doesn’t help the victim, doesn’t prevent crime, and doesn’t rehabilitate the offender.   It also costs us a fortune as tax payers.

On the other side of this coin is the process of restorative justice which seeks to repair the harm of crime as opposed to just punish individuals for crime.   It seeks restoration of all involved rather than revenge, punishment, or the delivery of what someone deserves to get for their crimes. It doesn’t let people off the hook but instead forces them to take responsibility for their actions and deal with the impact of them.   The idea of having victims of crime meet with the offenders of crime makes so much sense. Victims are left with so many unanswered questions that answered, could lead to a more complete healing system. “Why me?” or “Was this random?” or “what were the last words of my loved one?”, “Did they ask for me?” are all questions that many times go unanswered for victims and their families. Restorative Justice seeks to change that.

Restorative Justice is not a new concept. Native Americans, Tribal Communities in Africa and other places have used different types of restorative justice for centuries. Healing circles, mediation, and conferencing are all viable options of creating better outcomes for the victim, the offender and the community. The impact of crime often extends way past the immediate people. If a house in burglarized, it is not just the family that own that house that are the victims. The entire community gets put on fear alert. All become impacted by the crime. Restorative justice seeks to address the full impact of a crime.

I felt so inspired to be part of the training and see the amazing things that are being done is this field. I hope by me writing about this that you my reader will take a look at the process and feel as inspired and energized as I feel.

Sorry for the lack of updates, but I have really not felt much like writing. Whatever muse that usually drives me, seems to be off on vacation. I have been pre-occupied with some bigger news that is happening in my life, but I will save that for later when it is all confirmed. I also just finished an interview with David Ciciline, Mayor of Providence for “get” magazine that should be out in print in the next few days.

I have been watching the news about the Day of Silence and the Ken Hutcherson drama. It seems this man protested the protest against anti-gay violence. He complained about the Day of Silence being disruptive, then turned around to brag and celebrate his victory over the protest that was to protest anti-gay violence that was surly more disruptive than the Day of Silence. Not sure I can comprehend that mindset, but I can tell you it feels sad to read about the man’s glee at disrupting a protest against violence.

I also got myself tangled for a short while with a Stacy Harp supporter. Not sure what it is in me that believes that people will take the time to listen to each other and respect each other, but I do. I also know that can take lots of time and energy. The comments in this thread left me feeling exhausted just reading them, let alone replying. I don’t have that energy anymore. I have been blogging for 2 and 1/2 years seemingly to correct the same myths and lies over and over.

I sense so much bitterness, anger and frustration in their comments. That comes along with the references to Paul Cameron research that we die younger. I doubt they even know that is the source of that myth. There are also the typical myths and lies about GLBT folks and the inferences that gays deserve any violence that comes their way. One commenter wrote:

maybe if so many in the “GLBT” community weren’t working so hard to foist off their lifestyle on our children by telling my 8 year old son that someone wanting to stick their penis in his anus is perfectly natural and acceptable behavior maybe the folks that walk down the street so damned proud of the fact that they are a rope smoker or a carpet muncher wouldn’t get their asses beat down.

I am sad to hear anyone blame the victim for violence. It just does nothing to help anyone.

Eventually, I could see that nothing good or productive could come from the conversation there, so I ditched. Sadly, I find that to be the case with just about every anti-gay person I have ever had contact with especially Stacy Harp. Nothing good seems to come from talking with them. Aside from the understanding I gain of their thinking and where they are coming from, I see nothing good coming from direct conversation with people who are anti-gay.

I am growing to a point where I am happy to be with my partner, happy to hang with my dogs and just be. I am growing concerned about the direction this country is taking, but I am also getting older and tired. I see the bitterness and determination of people like Stacy Harp, Ken Hutcherson and the Peter LaBarbera’s of the world, to win against GLBT folks rather than win over GLBT folks. We as a country are more worried about who we have power over then who we have power with. These are some big mistakes if you take a look at what we are facing with food shortages and gas problems. Our population is heading for 9 billion and we don’t have the resources to feed all those people. You can guess where this will take us. (and they’re worried about who I sleep with?)

I don’t have their determination, but I also can happily say I am not carrying their anger or bitterness either. I think much of their reactions and movements come from a place of fear. None of them would be working so hard if they were not afraid what the world would look like should GLBT rights be granted. The flip side of that would be, what is there end game. What does the world look like should they get everything they are working to get? Do they even know?

With that all said, I am off to a behavioral health conference in Boston for a few days. I will check in but I won’t have time to blog much. In the meanwhile, I updated the page “My Journey to Nonviolence” feel free to catch up on where I am these days. I may even add some more later tonight as I have had a definite shift in my thinking lately!

UPDATE:

After checking in once or twice with the Cao Blog, I left this comment. I would be interested to see the replies to it.

the comment I left:

Stacy,
I have an entire blog filled with two years of writings denouncing glbt folks who use tactics like those. I feel confident I have denounced and rejected all forms of violence. If you feel that I should denouce it some more because it involved you then you should have emailed me and made such a request, not a demand. But think about it, why would I have made a specific mention of the mail you get? Why do you feel you are so important that I should denounce your email from activists? If you had made a reasonable request for me to denounce it, I would have but you made a demand instead. I don’t much give in to demands.

As for cao, I am not sure what you are even talking about. I did recently write a piece on my blog entitled how to oppose homosexuality without hate. One of the main points I made is that GLBT folks are human beings. We are capable of decent conversations but like most, would prefer that be civil discourse.

Civil discourse usually consists of “I” statements and valid points of argument.

Here is a sample of what I have heard on this thread about me or at me from you guys….
-rather hypocritical of Joe
-he’s determined to sit on the pity pot
-he’s afraid of your jokes. So he refuses to answer
-You seem to me to be a very disturbed person
-You’re afraid of everything
-What a confused soul
-If you’re that much of a nonviolence freak
-He came here intentionally baiting
-Seems ole Joe is just “skeered” of everything
-What a fantasyworld you live in!

Is this what you call civil discourse? I am happy to have a civil conversation with most people, but this is not civil discussion. I avoid bully tactics, insults and name calling as I see them as unproductive and divisive. If you would like to engage in civil discussion, then email me, otherwise this looks like school yard bully play that doesn’t help anyone.

Peter LaBarbera is calling on the media to demand a Federal investigation into the health risks of homosexual behavior.    Peter hopes that such an investigation would lead to proof that homosexual behavior is somehow dangerous, but he fails to mention that such an investigation is completely impossible.    To start which homosexual behavior is Mr. LaBarbera talking about?   Is is the homosexual dancing?  I thought that would be good for my blood pressure and keep me fit.  Perhaps Mr. LaBarbera is talking about homosexual house painting?  I know we homos love to decorate and that painting is a part of that, he must mean the behavior of painting? I admit, I have not painted in awhile and should really do something about that, but I am not sure the health risks of that.

All jokes aside, there is no specific behavior that could be labelled, ‘homosexual behavior’.  There is human sexual behavior.   There is no sex act that is solely homosexual.   Heterosexuals engage in the same “behaviors” that homosexuals do.   So, I am not sure that Peter has made a reasonable request (or demand) that the Federal Government.

Secondly to that, what if they did find risks? What do you propose Mr. LaBarbera?  What does your End Game Look Like?  Do you claim to have some secret plan to end homosexuality that you would like to enforce on all gay people?   What exactly do you want from us?

I wanted to share with you a quote I read today.  It was left as a comment by someone reading the transcript of the phone call I received from Stacy Harp.   This comment really sums up the silly idea that being gay is all about sex and was made by a handsome guy named Jason.

You can reduce just about anyone’s relationship to sex if you completely ignore the humanity of the people involved.

Peter LaBarbera known for doing “research” at gay baths and street fairs like the Folsom Fair, should be packing his bags and heading to Florida to protest this “HETEROSEXUAL” sex club that holds “Naughty Teacher” Night and other fun gatherings.   They have Friday Night “Kinky Ice Cream Social” and a hot tub for 5 that can “get pretty hott”.

The club, called the Hunt club, appears to be someone’s home. It is a place where “members” can go for sex and socializing and condoms are provided.   Neighbors began protesting last Friday during the Naughty night.   They say, “community values” are important in the neighborhood, but denied suggestions that staunch Christian beliefs were propelling the protestor’s opposition.   Of course that because all the real Christians are at Folsom video taping the side action and protesting the gays.

If this were a gay thing, LaBarbera would be on a plane with his video camera ready to expose those nasty homosexuals.  Since it is a residential community of heterosexuals in Florida, I doubt the same amount of exposing will go on from the anti-gays.   The reason is that if anti-gay organizations gave this heterosexual behavior any attention it would show that homosexuals are more similar to straights than different.   

Daniel Gonzales over at Box Turtle Bulletin has produced another informative video about the Ex-gay Myths.   He writes:

The religious right legal group Alliance Defense Fund started an anti-gay “Day of Truth” in response to the pro-gay “Day of Silence.” The “Day of Truth” is little more than an excuse to push ex-gay misinformation on queer youth in public schools which prompted me to make a video examining and mocking ideas promoted by the “Day of Truth.”

Many times on this site, I have offered to anti-gay Christians the idea that they could still oppose homosexuality without spewing hate or contributing to the culture of violence that exists for gay people. I still truly believe that can be done. I would like to start offering some concrete suggestions that anti-gay, Christian organizations could use to oppose homosexuality but without the hate speech.

I would appreciate pro-gay folks taking a moment to empathize with those who are oppose gay rights and give them some concrete requests to how they can voice religious opposition to homosexuality and gay marriage without promoting violence or hate toward gays. Understanding that some people believe homosexuality is against their religion, not everyone who voices opposition to us is a religious extremist. Some people just hold different beliefs. Perhaps we can talk about better ways to voice those beliefs and even run organizations that lobby for anti-gay rights groups without hate.

I would also ask pro-gay folks to try their best to frame their request in Positive Actions Language. In other words, ask people what you DO want them to do, not what you DON’T want them to do.

1. To start with, I would ask that folks who run organizations opposed to gay rights, write blogs or even just write to the local paper, start talking about anti-gay violence and condemning it very vocally. The first way to show us that you don’t support violence against gays and lesbians is to speak out on that violence as much as you speak out on everything gay you don’t like. If you are truly out to spread a positive biblical message, then speaking out against the violence against us is right in line with the work of Christ.  It is also just the right thing to do.
2. If you claim you are a resource on homosexuality whether biblical or not, be sure your information is balanced and based on PEER REVIEWED research. Refrain from using the work of Paul Cameron, Bell and Weinberg and certainly Dr. John Diggs (who also uses Cameron and previously refuted science) as those are not peer-reviewed science.   Sure, both sides of this cultural war can provide all sorts of stats that say all sorts of things. If your work is truly about being compassionate and truthful, then prove it by using real science and not pseudo-science.   Present both sides, not just the side you want to hear.
3. Use language that disarms rather than insults. If your message is truly about “reaching out” to gays and lesbians than stay away from calling us insulting and dehumanizing names like sodomite and militant. Strongly, I would recommend you drop the use of the word “homosexual” as an adjective to describe us as it will only make gays and lesbians cover their ears or put up their dukes to defend. Use words like “gay” or “same-sex attracted”.   If your mission is to “save us” or “help us” then we need to hear what you have to say. We don’t hear you when you offend us right from the get go! If your message is really directed at those who already think we are sick and evil and would beat us up in a dark ally, call us what you want, it is working. Hate crimes are up against us, your work is effective. Your work inspires others and I would like you to think what reaction you are trying to inspire, change in the world through compassion or violence? I am not happy you oppose my life, but could you at least express your concerns and beliefs without insulting me or calling me names?
4. Gay kids are getting bullied and that is statistically proven. They are also attempting and too often succeeding at suicide. That is also a fact.  Promote youth safety.  If you are opposed to teaching about homosexuality in schools or anti-bullying campaigns that include homosexuality as a subject, then you damn well better have a solution to offer that stops the violence and shame that makes life miserable for these kids. Don’t just think of ways to stop what pro-gay advocates are doing to stop the bullies. If you don’t like what pro-gay advocates are doing, then come up with a solid plan to stop the bullying based on sexuality and present it. Otherwise, start supporting the efforts to protect kids who are perceived as gay from being tortured and abused.
5. Find balance! If everything that comes out of your organization is a negative message about gays, then something is wrong. Gays and lesbians want the same things out of life that you do. I cannot and will not believe that you unable to come up with ways to present your message without the barrage of negative pictures of gays and lesbians. That barrage of negative-only articles and statistics creates enemy images of gays and lesbians that can and do lead to violence against us. We value our safety and would like you to value our safety as well.
6. Work with us! Yes, I know that sounds crazy, but did you ever think to meet with us and talk about how your needs could be met? Gays and lesbians really are reasonable human beings. Have you ever thought of setting up some meetings with your organization and pro-gay organizations to see what you can work on together and what you can agree on. Then move to the things you don’t agree on and see of you can work some stuff out. The most amazing problems in the world were solved by the most unlikely of collaborations. Try it, it could create peace (something this planet is in great need of).
7. Choose your metaphors carefully! The only reason this is a “war” is because you continue to promote it as one. If you promoted it as a collaboration or a disagreement, then it would be that instead of a war. This is America, we are both entitled to advocate for what we believe is right. That doesn’t mean we are enemies, it means we want different things and we have different beliefs. I would request rather than presening gays and lesbians as the enemy that people should “defeat” that you could present this as more of a negotiation of ideas not a war.
8. Admit it when someone on your side just goes too far. Comparing us to terrorist went too far. You all know that, but rallied anyway. I don’t believe for one minute you are really agreed with Sally Kern, you supported her to tow the party line. Stop! When someone goes to far, call them on it. Prove you can be reasonable and you may find we are reasonable back! It is amazing what can be accomplished when people truly make an effort to be reasonable. (and stop expecting the other side to do it and be the change you wish to see in the world)
9. We would appreciate it if you could acknowledge that our requests are valid requests even if you disagree with what we want. There is no secret agenda. We want equality and safety. Those are the goals and they are reasonable. Their are multiple tactics and strategies going on to try and reach those goals. Gays and lesbians are from all walks of life and many different beliefs. We have many different “lifestyles” and backgrounds as well. We don’t all agree with each other about the best strategy to reach the goals of equality and safety. We even bicker amongst ourselves trying to decide the best way to get what we want, but there is no secret agenda. We just want equality. We would appreciate it if you would take the time to really hear our requests and needs and think not about how to sop us, but how to help us. Example would be “I don’t support X but would be willing to support Y.”
10. Lastly, vow yourself and your organization to abandon myths about homosexuality, especially the one about us choosing to be gay. No one chooses to be gay. Each time you say that you minimize the whole issue to a simple choice and if it were so simple, I wouldn’t be writing this list of requests right now. I would be out marrying a women and having children, but I am not. I am writing this list of requests I hope you will at least consider.

I am sure if people sat down at the table and made the decision to hear each other’s needs and feelings, so much could be resolved. I believe we get so wrapped up in the idea of winning, we stop hearing and we stop being rational.   Both those opposed and those in favor of gay rights are guilty of this.    I would advocate for rational reactions over knee jerked reactions and war like metaphors as they will let us move on to more important issues like the environment and wars. Who marries who will become extremely unimportant when we have no planet to get married on because it either died or was blown up!

The uber right wing group, Renew America has an article up today that try’s to promote ID by debunking Darwin in four steps, but the 4 myths the writer has chosen are the four most popular tactics by creationist. All of these goofy things have been refuted, so why don’t these creationists stop using old worn out myths….

The writer, Bryan Fischer says:

Before we even start, we ought to notice that, if evolution is true, there would be no way to know it. Because evolution teaches that everything that exists is the product of the random collision of atoms, this logically includes the thoughts I am thinking about evolution. But if my thoughts are the product of the random collision of atoms, there is no reason to think that any of them are true — they just are.

The funny thing is you can stop there. As soon as any creationist says that evolution is random collision of atoms, I close my ears and stop listen or in this case I stop reading. There is nothing random about it. Random would imply it is like aimlessly throwing darts at the wall. That is not the case at all.

Mr. Fischer also says:

Intelligent Design theory offers not only a Watchmaker but a Watch-winder; evolution does not.

What he doesn’t tell you is that by offering a watch-winder, intelligent design creates a new set of questions rather than a set of answers. Who created the watchmaker and did that being also create the watch-winder? Evolution seeks to give answers not new questions.

There are far more qualified people to refute this mythology than me and I bet they have more time then me. I will leave it to them.

The same person who has this to say about me as a person: 

“The homosexual activists online, such as Joe Brummer, are exactly the type of homosexual I have encountered that have been anything but compassionate, kind etc. They indeed are the true hate filled liars and slanderers, unrighteous, unholy, sexually immoral and deviant. It’s no wonder they act the way the do….”

and also this to say about me as a person:

And I do keep in mind that most homosexuals aren’t haters, liars, antiChrist bigots like Joe and Kevin are. But they certainly are bad representatives of the homosexual community and certainly won’t win me or any other Christian I know to their beliefs or side. Now maybe if they were more loving and tolerant and less hateful and less bigoted, then bible obeying and bible believing Christians like me, could have an open dialog. Until they see the error of their ways and how they truly treat people like me, who they truly despise and truly hate, then no progress would be made.

then follows that up with:

Maybe they should keep that in mind before they pick up their next verbal stone and sling it in my direction.

Am I the only one who finds that confusing….. “Do as I say, not as I do” kind of thing, right?

Is what she really saying that if I write anything about anti-gay Christian activists and the misinformation they spread about gays and lesbians, I will have personal attacks and name calling to make me think about he next time I fling stones?  Does she really think I am flinging stones?   Is she hoping I will be too scared of her name calling to continue writing about anti-gay propaganda?   Is she hoping I will change the presentation of my articles on hate speech by calling me  a deviant?   I am baffled at this.

I have to admit, that is confusing, but I can see that Stacy feels distressed and anguished at Kevin’s and my writings about her.   She has read our articles as attacks on her as a person rather than us attacking her writings and public comments about gays and lesbians.    This reminds me that sometimes how we say things and what we mean by them are not always what our listeners hear. 

I was recently accused of not being a compassionate person. I feel unmoved by this as the statement didn’t come from someone who knows me with any intimacy. The statement did get me to thinking about what is compassion and what does it mean to be compassionate.

At first, I thought to myself that I could stand to be more compassionate. I suppose that can be said for all of mankind these days. So I would agree that I could be more compassionate to my fellow man. I think we all could.

The Princeton online dictionary defines compassion as:

a deep awareness of and sympathy for another’s suffering

the humane quality of understanding the suffering of others and wanting to do something about it

With that in mind, I wonder to myself if I truly am a compassionate guy?

For one thing, since learning about Nonviolent Communication, I am not big on sympathy. The idea of sympathy means that I am feeling your pain with you. It reminds me of the saying, “if you’re in pain, then I am in pain.” I wonder how useful or helpful it is to be suffering with someone. How can I truly be there for them if I am focused on the fact I am suffering in pain. How can I truly focus on your pain, if I am distracted by my own?

I would prefer to focus on giving empathy. This is easy to write, and hard to do. Empathy means I acknowledge your pain and suffering and want to help you end it. It means that I hear what you are feeling and I am hoping to learn what you are needing to end the pain. Empathy means we understand another’s pain, not feel it with them.

When I read the post accusing me of being uncompassionate, I can see the writer is shocked that Bishop Tutu would call GLBT folks compassionate because her experience with gay folks has been different. She seems to feel hurt and frustrated that Bishop Tutu’s would say what he did. It seems she has had a different experience and would like it acknowledged. I also read that she is confident that if others googled these gay people’s names (including mine) that would reveal how unlike the Bishop’s description we gay people are. Perhaps this blogger will let me know if I have understood her feelings.

I don’t know if I am compassionate or not, but I know I started this blog because I am tired of the violence in the world, especially based on religion, sexuality and race. My goal is now what it has been from day one. To point out the injustice of hate speech and hope that new ways can be reached to express our differences that don’t attack or hurt others.

I guess I should state for the record that this rant is heavily influence by Marshall Rosenberg’s NVC and Thich Nhat Hanh’s book, Peace is Every Step. I have added a video below of Marshall Rosenberg giving about a 10 minute overview of NVC. It is only part 1 of 3. I would suggest to others, you watch all three.