Author Archive for James F. Elliott

John Bolton, sage

Hot on the heels of his and John Yoo's monumental moment of hypocrisy, John Bolton takes to the pages of the Washington Post today to tout the old "three state solution" -- sort of like a square dance or reel, only with AK-47s and rockets -- to the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. The quick version: Egypt regains control of Gaza, Jordan receives the West Bank back, and Israel is Israel. This solution has been discussed for a long, long time. I remember having heated discussions about it back in undergrad international relations classes. There was always a trump card for the naysayers, though, and it's pretty damned irrefutable. And, unsurprisingly, totally unmentioned by Bolton.

Egypt doesn't want Gaza back. Jordan doesn't want the West Bank (and if you're pissed at the Israelis, you'd be really pissed at how Jordan dealt with Palestinian terrorists: by killing suicide bombers' families after the bombing). And the Palestinians sure as hell don't want to be governed by anyone other than themselves.

One would expect a former ambassador to the United Nations who is paid to pontificate on international relations to, I don't know, actually know things about international relations.

If we outlaw guns…

...only outlaws will have guns.

You may watch video of the shooting here (NSFW).

Two things are made very clear in the video: 1) That police officer clearly intended to use his taser on an unarmed individual surrounded by multiple police who, according to other eyewitness reports, was begging him not to. 2) That cop was too stupid in the heat of the moment to realize that he was holding his sidearm and not a taser. Either should disqualify him from service.

I think it's also clear by the expression on his face that he had no idea what he was doing and did not intend to shoot Mr. Grant. That is no excuse. The officer, who is unidentified, is given enormous power within our social contract. He and his fellows -- who were also acting egregiously -- have the responsibility to behave in a restrained and responsible manner.

I understand working with dangerous individuals. Since 2003, I have taught response methodologies to professionals working with volatile and often physically dangerous mentally ill and developmentally delayed people. These methods can be used anywhere. While I teach methods that require two or more people before "hands-on" techniques can be applied, there are versions (that I do not agree with) that teach single-professional interventions. Two police officers would have been sufficient to restrain Mr. Grant safely and without harm using any one of those techniques.

Bringing the funny

John Yoo and John Bolton give us the young year's most ironic op-ed so far: an argument for limits on Executive power in deference to the Legislature. Roll that around on your tongue: John Yoo. John Bolton. Limits on Executive power. That's some awesome postmodernism, right there.

Oh, who am I kidding

I had just sent out my resume for a position in the Office of the Mayor of San Jose, when it occurred to me that this blog, in all its messy contentiousness, pretty much kills any chance I have for obtaining a potentially politically-sensitive job in public policy.

Sigh.

Such is short-sightedness.

Words of wisdom

Ezra Klein on the Israel-Palestine conflict.

Never argue with someone who tries to tell you what your argument is…

...it never ends well.

I appear to have been removed as a contributor to The Barefoot Bum. I can only presume this is due to my disagreement with communism and my less-then-exemplary behavior in my dust-up with Db0 (I regret my language and tone, but not my substance, and do not concede to his argument). While the unannounced removal came as a shock, I hold no ill will towards Barefoot Bum, and I encourage everyone to keep on reading his site. If anyone can work out a viable form of communism, I would put my money on him, and his rhetorical pugilism remains a thing to behold. I'm definitely hurt by not receiving word beforehand, but I'll get over it; in truth, it would probably have happened on a mutual level at some point in the near future -- I had not posted there in quite some time, preferring to focus on my own blog and having found that our interests were diverging anyways. I am grateful to Barefoot Bum for having been given the honor of contributing to another person's site for a time.

All the best, Barefoot Bum.

-James

Markets aren’t free, they cost you your house!

Speaking of people who adhere to fanciful notions, for the laissez-faire capitalists among our visitors, we offer this sage summation of "free-market" capitalism.

The problem with Marxists

They argue like theologians. For the life of me, I cannot see a difference between how Rev. Sam and Db0 "debate."

Submit, woman!

I find Dennis Prager a lot less offensive if I just imagine it's Peter Griffin saying all this shite. I bet you ten bucks if I print this column and its predecessor out and give them to my wife to read without prefacing that I'm making fun of this gasbag, I'll be sleeping on the couch nursing blue balls for a frigging month. And that during the second trimester where my wife will actually want to have sex. Her willpower is not a thing to trifle with; she's perfectly capable of denying her own urges for months on end just to spite me if I piss her off. My wife is a formidable woman.

I leave you with one of the most unintentionally ironic statements I've read since, well, yesterday probably:
"What if your husband woke up one day and announced that he was not in the mood to go to work? If this happened a few times a year, any wife would have sympathy for her hardworking husband. But what if this happened as often as many wives announce that they are not in the mood to have sex? Most women would gradually stop respecting and therefore eventually stop loving such a man."
Hear that ladies? Sex is your job, so hop to!

Boy, I hope the sarcasm came through on that last sentence or I am so screwed, and not in a good way.

Quote of the Day II

"Religion only happens because the human brain’s capacity for pattern recognition is slightly overdeveloped."

-Tim F. at Balloon Juice

Natural Law retread

Inspired by my recently concluded "discussion" of Natural Law with Catholic zealot Chris Garton-Zarevsky, I am reprinting, below, an essay I first posted in 2006.

The natural law theorist operates on a basic, a priori assumption. He assumes that, because matter operates on certain “rules” – the positive and negative charges of protons and electrons, the speed of light, measurable half-lives of radioactive substances, mathematical equations such as the area of a circle or the slope of a triangle – that man, who is after all made up of matter, must operate on similar principles – or, in the case of morals, “truths.” He makes no distinction between biology and consciousness. This is a fundamental failure of natural theory.

Some might object to the use of modern, scientific language in the above comparison. One could just as easily insert Aristotle’s “Prime Mover,” Pythagoras’ mathematics, or the Greek atomists. The search for answers to physical questions was and still is crucial to Western philosophical inquiry.

St. Thomas Aquinas is probably the best-known exponent of natural law and theology. His view, almost Gnostic, was one of scientific inquiry; the universe appeared to move in accordance to laws, which must be ordained by God. By understanding these laws better, we could better comprehend the will of God. His predecessor, St. Anselm, also followed this line of ontological thought. They both run afoul of cleric Peter Abelard’s nominalism: words signify thoughts, not presences in the real world. Language, such as the statement that “God is the greatest of all” or “laws govern all things,” leads people to believe things are real when they exist only in their minds.

Morals are the result of a complex interaction of human biology with human consciousness. Human behavior has instinctual, genetic, and learned components, which we can observe in the gestural, social, and communicative behaviors. We can observe these same behaviors in the lives of animal relatives such as the communal chimpanzee. But are these ingrained behaviors or morals?

Morals stem as much from human consciousness as from their genetic and behavioral components; consciousness’s components are both phenomenological and structural. We have the unique ability to project: Not only can we extrapolate multiple probabilities for consequences of our actions; we can also place ourselves as the theoretical recipient of those actions. This is not as simple as the animal’s stimulus-response behaviorism (though anyone who has seen someone suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder knows that behaviorism plays a role in human behavior).

Linguistics is a fundamental component of human consciousness, providing the structure with which we frame our experiences and construct our personality. Language is, by its nature, subjective, even as it conforms to internal structures that may have biological components. It creates representations, symbols, interpretations, and projections. When we say that matter operates around laws we are projecting a human interpretation - a false framework – onto something fundamentally not human, as it lacks consciousness.

Consciousness is the crux here. The interplay it makes with human behavior and biology makes mankind quintessentially other from mere matter. While man’s body and physiological responses must adhere to the “rules” of matter, his morals are aspects of thought, of consciousness, which is by its nature not subject to the rules of matter. Morals are subjective, projective. They can vary in surface structure, subject matter, consequences, and focus. They vary from culture to culture, from person to person, despite similarities.

Those similarities, and the human phenomenon of the emotion guilt, have been posited as proof of natural law. The Scottish philosopher and empiricist David Hume neatly disposed of both in the 18th century. The key here is our consciousness’s ability to project. We can imagine someone doing the same thing to us and how we would feel. Guilt is projection of how we would hypothetically feel; similarities in morals are acts that have negative results on others that we do not wish to happen to ourselves.

Morals are metaphysical in nature. Metaphysics are beyond the realm of the knowable. They are outside of the empirical, the scientifically knowable. They are therefore outside the rules of nature. Some call the questions of metaphysics – morality and immorality, free will, causation, etc. – the principle questions of philosophy. But metaphysics defies logic, empiricism, or reason. To paraphrase Hume, it ends in little more than sophistry and illusion. Still, the questions persist and are intriguing – even important – if ultimately incapable of resolution.

To answer those questions, metaphysics looks to foundations, to simple answers, principles, and origin. As Derrida states, this is a quest for “logos.” This Greek word can be translated as, variably, “logic, reason, the word, or god.” This is the search for the origin – a human trait to search out causation in all things. This is why many natural theorists (like Aquinas) insist that such rules must come from something that sets them in motion, which creates them. Metaphysics, by its nature, attempts to ascribe truth and simplicity to a complex world. Metaphysics, Derrida contended, pervades Western thought.

But, as Derrida points out, metaphysics requires binary construction, a pairing of two like subjects, one derived from the other, in primal opposition but also similar. One member of the pair is always “true,” or superior to the other. Thus we have “good and evil,” “God and man,” “cause and effect,” “mind and body.” The first term, the “superior” one must be true, pure, and simple – it is of the logos. The subordinate term is false, corrupting, derivative; it is against the logos. Metaphysicians, such as natural theorists, proceed from an assumption of a simple truth – a human construction, a preference for simplicity over complexity, for good over evil, for God over man. It is telling that the Greeks place reason, logic, and words (language) on the same plane as God.

This is why something like moral relativism, humanism, or secularism is so threatening to natural theory. It privileges the subordinate term over the preferred member of the binary pair in metaphysics: Corporeal life over the afterlife, man over God, complex over simple. These re-imaginings shake the core of metaphysics and therefore natural theory, because natural law relies upon the assumption – again, a human judgment – of the presence of the binary pairing and it’s inherent value to begin with! For example, there is an inherent assumption of the “truth” of the “word of God.” Indeed, it is assumed that “the word” is there to begin with.

Such assumptions are a creation of human consciousness – projections and linguistic constructions. If they are creations of consciousness, how can they follow rules? How is there a “logical” or “natural” progression from observed behavior to projected interpretation of another’s internal state? An assumption of another’s guilt, moral compass, or pathology is a construction, a projection of one’s own conscious moral and cultural matrix on another; it has no foundation other than what the observer gives it.

Man is what I like to call “a simplicity seeker.” He might also be described as a “categorical being,” searching for truths that are easy to comprehend and sort. Immanuel Kant supposed that man is both an empiricist and a rationalist, that man is constitutionally predisposed to see causation. Current psychological research proves Kant right. Show individuals a randomly generated pattern of dots and they will instinctually perceive a leader or moving force behind the dots’ random gyrations. Kant, preceding Derrida by two centuries, pointed out the inherent contradictions in metaphysical “truths.” He pointed out how the human mind automatically categorizes and interprets information from the world. We do this in order to best make sense of it, making it conform to an internal architecture of perception in order to avoid being overwhelmed or paralyzed with questions.

Kant argued that there must be some sort of universal law, because human perception – the categories and architecture we use to make sense of the world – would disappear in an illogical vacuum without it; faith, therefore, was possible through reason. But, as Hegel and Foucault point out, the “architecture” is in a constant state of flux; we change it with experience, with learning, and with evolved concepts. There can be no truths because of the subjectivity of language and the changing nature of the dialogue of discovery (“dialectics” to Hegel, “discourse” to Foucault). This led Hegel to conceive of some silly “End of History” idea, but that doesn’t diminish the value of his dialectical model.

Nietzche would later seize on a similar theme, pointing out that “truths” are dependent on social and cultural systems. Foucault, Derrida, and Wittgenstein owe much to Nietzche. Kierkegaard points out that faith, by its very nature, is a belief in something impossible to prove; it is by definition irrational. Natural law is an attempt to give physicality to moral and ethical thought; thought cannot be of anything other than the ephemeral – it has no presence, no “there.”

The American pragmatists, like C.S. Pierce, do away with natural law. There are no “natural truths” that can be established about reality. Human ideas and systems will always be tested in the crucible of their results and effects. Pierce’s “contrite fallibilism” and Viennese philosopher Karl Popper’s “Falsification” mirror our knowledge of the world: it is always provisional.

This is what I call “The Good Idea Test.” Sometimes, just like a scientific hypothesis, a moral, philosophical, social, or cultural construct is simply so successful, so in harmony with humanity’s needs, limitations, and potential, that it has yet to be supplanted. The end result – that an idea is simply too good to set aside – is elegantly simple, but the process used to get there is complex. Man, the simplicity seeker, searches out a simpler process, one that fits his linguistically and culturally constructed worldview: the idea is simply part of a “law,” an ordained set or rules put in motion by some sort of central origin. Unfortunately, this requires the kind of binary dialectic that we’ve already seen is merely a human construct.

Quote of the Day

"Some people have wondered over the past three days where progressive Jewry is at. And they're right to. To dive into an uncomfortable conversation that Jane admirably waded into yesterday, when a debate gets demagogued by a self-appointed ethnic mafia, it's up to progressive voices who share that ethnicity to stand up to the, say, Shtetl Police. A lot of people-- ok, fuck it, enough generalities. A lot of progressive Jews don't want to do this. And I totally understand and relate. You don't want to reduce yourself to the mere fact of your heritage and become a self-parody. You have other stuff to write about and pay attention to. You don't want to hurt your mother's feelings. But this is how the Shtetl Police win, and when the Shtetl Police win, Israel does stupid and self-destructive things and children die in the streets of Gaza and Sderot. Sometimes Israel does stupid and self-destructive things even if they don't win, but it's not worth chancing it."

-Spencer Ackerman

A fitting cap to a good year

I am sincerely honored to have been asked by blog-satirist extraordinaire Jon Swift to participate in his Best Blog Posts of 2008 round-up. I selected one of my posts on California's Proposition 8 as my submission.

Speaking of people I want to punch…

Over at The Apostate’s blog, a commenter took issue with a statement of mine in the context of whether or not men expect women to “submit.” Rather than reply in the humorous with some sort of remark about bondage play, I attempted to illustrate that some men, like myself, accept non-traditional roles. I stated that because my wife makes “the big bucks,” I willingly take on a large proportion of the household duties such as cooking our daily meals and maintaining the yard and home (we are fortunate to have the excess money to pay a cleaning service for the inside of the house once a week and to engage a handyman friend in times of distress beyond my meager store of home maintenance knowledge). The aforementioned commenter chose to interpret my tongue-in-cheek use of the word “submit” as the validation that because women typically earn less (due to many economic and social factors) they should “submit” and do the chores.

This is perhaps understandable for someone accustomed to looking at the world through a lens that sees oppression, oppression everywhere! without bothering to, I don’t know, fucking ask a question. I know the common refrain: “Your comment was made in a cultural milieu wherein such expectations upon women are subconscious and you should be more aware of how they can be interpreted by the victims of those subconscious expectations.” Well, here’s some big news: I, like most people, am neither interested nor blessed with the time to consider how some people will take the time to draw conclusions and jump on them without considering who is fucking writing the original comment.

As should be readily apparent in my comments and writings pretty much everywhere, I abide by an ideal of procedural equality in all relationships: For example, in my marriage, my wife has a better job that eats up the majority of her time. Therefore I, with my less remunerative but less demanding job, gladly and willingly perform a variety of household tasks traditionally reserved for the “submissive” (read: female) partner.

I gave up apologizing for being born American, white, rich, and male a long fucking time ago. I don’t have time for people who make those categories synonymous with “original sin.” That’s a load of bullshit. Judge me by what I do, not what cultural heritage I have to muddle through. The onus to evaluate one’s own statements for their own preconceptions falls on everyone; think before lashing out.

Today in religion

  • For reasons utterly unknowable, The New Republic has a fondness for Damon Linker, former editor of First Things and author of The Theocons. They love him so much he has his own intermittent little blog on their website. I find Linker to range from tendentious to dishonest, myself, but he’s a good example of the kind of wishy-washy Catholicism that sort of makes you want to punch its adherents in their steam-cleaned genitals. It manages to be both self-righteous and yet decry the judgments of others.
  • Researchers from the University of Texas have found that human beings who feel out of control will posit strange and unlikely theories in order to regain a sense of order. This is obvious in the sense of conspiracy theories, as my recent email from the deeply ill David Mabus touting the predictions of Nostradamus attests. It is, in light of other research, quite indicative of the nature of religious belief, as well. I’ve elsewhere referred to religion as a “metaphysical toddler’s binky;” this is reinforced by findings that indicate a natural human preference for order and categorization. Sensory and mental data whose natures are unknown or unfathomable are difficult to process. Having an overarching “Goddidit” schema is incredibly helpful and acts as a palliative to the natural response of paralysis in the face of data that is difficult to process.
  • It would seem that my latest interlocutor on the subjects of Natural Law and absolute morality has decided to throw in the towel with a "You're a poopyhead!" non-responsive parting shot. If you can't encapsulate your beliefs in your own language, you are, to use the common parlance, an epic fail of a thinker. Good riddance to bad rubbish.
  • The “Raving Atheist” has become the “Raving Theist.” I can’t confess to have been anything other than a very occasional reader of the site in the past, and then only through links from other sites. While I hope that The Raving Theist finds some kind of peace and happiness in the decision to convert to Christianity, I cannot help but think that the aforementioned raver will find anything but. I’m not even a novice in graphology, but it seems to me that perhaps a similar field of study could be made of bloggers in the font, formatting, and so on of their blogs. Given that admittedly hugely tenuous thesis, I find the Raving Theist’s conversion post hugely illuminating: look at the font and formatting, with its large, bolded, italicized letters. This is a person passionate about their faith. But then trawl through the archives. Look at the passion, indeed, even zeal, with which the poster embraced an anti-abortion stance. The posts are aggressively passionate. As are older posts from the atheistic perspective. This is a person who wanted, desperately, something to define themself by. The story told on that website is the perfect exemplar for the thesis laid out by Eric Hoffer in The True Believer: that many people seek to define themselves through the worth of their belonging to something external. And as the Raving Theist’s conversions, first to anti-abortionism and then to Christianity attest, that validation is never truly satisfying. Lacking an internal perception of self-worth to bolster themselves with, these people become truly self-righteous. The truth of the statement that “no one is more zealous than a convert” is that the convert has to be passionate about their new ideal in order to justify their newfound sense of self-worth.

Saddleback Inauguration

Commenter Andrew Louis wondered why I had yet to rant about pastor Rick Warren’s invitation to give the invocation at the Obama Inauguration. As any semi-regular visitor to these parts can tell, I love me a good opportunity for some invective and vitriol. Well, here it is:
Blah blah blah Rick Warren is a bigot blah blah blah liberal platitude here yakkity smakkity.
I’m just not that inflamed by this whole deal. The most shocking thing about Obama’s transition decisions has been that the progressives and liberals are so shocked by them. If you wanted to vote for the more left wing candidate, y’all should’ve voted for Hillary Clinton! It’s like no one was paying attention during the whole election season.

I was as taken with Obama’s rhetorical skill and intellectual and political acumen as anyone. I retain an immense respect for the manner in which he conducts himself and thinks about politics and the problems facing this nation. But I was never fooled into thinking he was some sort of monumental progressive or a paragon of secular social democracy. Obama encapsulates a good deal of classic American liberal virtues. And that includes a deep and abiding religious faith.

More than that, Obama has learned the most apparent lessons of American politics: idealism rakes in the cash, but pragmatism implements the policies. Moderation always carries the day in this country. And that’s fine. Your goals can, and should I believe, be as radical as you want. But one needs to recognize that this country is completely adverse to upheaval. It requires an immense catastrophe of bowel-shaking magnitude to allow for quantum shifts in our political cosmos. Regardless of how ugly our economic outlook is, this coming depression does not bode to include breadlines and dead babies. And absent that, change will come through politics as usual.

This means pragmatism is necessary, and moderation is the name of the game. Changes will be incremental. Obama plays long-ball. He’s a coalition-builder from way back. And that means if he needs to tap a huge but bigoted faith community in order to reform something big, like say healthcare, he’s going to risk alienating a smaller community if he needs to in order to make it happen. So, yes, gays are getting thrown under the bus. Only not really: Let’s face it, Warren’s giving the opening prayer at the inauguration is more a sop to his successful bid to emerge as a leader of the evangelical political movement, not an endorsement of Warren’s bigotry. Very, very few people are going to sit down and think thusly:
“Hmm, Rick Warren hates gay people. Obama is having Rick Warren pray at his inauguration. I like Obama. Therefore, I have to hate gay people.”
Obama is not lending any legitimacy to Warren’s position on the gay community. Because, really, let’s face it: Warren’s position is, in our larger culture, the legitimate one. It sucks, it shouldn’t be so, and I will continue to fight it tooth and nail, but there it is. There could be untold numbers of quiet homophobes among those Obama has tapped. He’s no more legitimizing their views than he is Warren’s, whose only difference from those hypotheticals (aside from being tangible) is his public profession of his hatred.

Let’s just get this out of the way: Obama holds center-left beliefs and is a political pragmatist. That means not only will his tactics be moderate, but his goals will be far less radical than you or I might want. If someone wants to get exercised about Rick Warren’s participation in the inauguration, by all means, knock yourself out. But don’t pretend like you couldn’t have seen something like this coming.

Are you kidding me?

Dennis Prager comes out in favor of marital rape. Only it's not rape, because whether a wife wants to or not, she must give her husband the sex whenever he wants it. Of course, who's better at being able to tell you how not to conduct a marriage than a man who's failed two of them?

Quote of the Day

“If her empire means ruling the world as Denshawai has been ruled in 1906 – and that, I am afraid, is what the Empire does mean to the main body of our aristocratic-military caste and to our Jingo plutocrats – then there can be no more sacred and urgent political duty on earth than the disruption, defeat, and suppression of the Empire, and, incidentally, the humanization of its supporters…”

-George Bernard Shaw

[With a grateful hat tip to a frequent correspondent.]

Human, all too human

For some time now, I have been involved in a rolling debate on the nature of contraception, abortion, and now “Natural Law.” While I have written elsewhere about what a sham Natural Law arguments are – how they involve, a la Derrida, drawing an arbitrary line where things become “wrong” – the conversation led me to a deeper conclusion, one the whole Saddleback Inauguration controversy crystallized: Fundamentalists hate people. All people, themselves included.

How else to explain why all fundamentalists, be they orthodox or reformed, preach the abnegation of the very qualities that make us gloriously, messily human? Let us take Pastor Rick Warren. He preaches hatred of the human ability to choose what it believes is right or wrong and to act in accordance with the dictates of their own conscience. Whether that is the choice of a man to express his passionate love for another man or for a woman to choose her individual autonomy over the roles expected of her by tradition or social pressure, Rick Warren and his ilk don’t believe you should be able to exercise that choice.

This is deeply ironic, given that they have chosen their own heuristic by which they come to this conclusion. We, as a society, defend choices every day: indeed, we’ve enshrined the freedom to choose one’s faith community, one’s political affiliation, and one’s choice of expression. Not only that, we defend that choice as one that should be free of oppression. But men and women like Rick Warren have no qualms about applying oppression to other choices they do not agree with, and yet they would violently, vehemently oppose any attempt to regulate their choice to worship Jesus Christ in the evangelical (or any other) tradition. And rightly so. I, as an atheist, have no interest in forcing them to adopt my beliefs, just as I have no interest in adopting theirs. I would oppose any attempt to regulate their freedom of choice in those respects; they must act as their individual conscience dictates.

And yet they would persist in the abnegation of that very freedom they exercise by denying it to others merely because their heuristic, their moral schema, disapproves. It would be an occasion for a deep, sad irony, were it not so pernicious. In drawing their arbitrary lines, but in refusing to acknowledge that arbitrariness, Warren and his people reveal a deep and abiding hatred of human choice. They hate it because it so often chooses other than they do. And therein lies the crux of the matter:

It is not right or wrong they protest. It is the outrage to their own privileged sense of propriety.

The last thirty years were brought to you by the letters A, E, and I

With stagnant or falling wages, in order for the economy to grow, there needed to be a way to inflate the mass's purchasing power. Hence "supply-side" economics: cutting the capital gains taxes and income taxes allowed more money to flow into lending markets, who then lent to the masses at usurious rates, creating a market not only for credit but eventually an economy completely predicated on the ability to shift credit and its liabilities. The only problem came when they ran out of institutions to buy the debt and so the whole house of cards crashed, leaving the people with inflated prices and stagnant wages without the increased purchasing power of credit but with all the debt liability they'd amassed in the first place.

The Credit-Driven Depression, brought to you by Ronald Reagan and the American Enterprise Institute. Enjoy your stay.

Hail Ba’al

Okay, who's the jackass who hasn't been inviting me to all the ritual baby-sacrifices followed by frenetic orgies? Because, really, if I'd known that being a liberal entitled me to participation in orgies, I totally would never have gotten married [1]. I'm getting gipped on my dead baby quota, too; I really want the steak knife set in my December issue of the Far Left Conspiracy Catalog.

[1. That's sarcasm for all you humor-impaired folks out there.]

I, for one, blame the UAW

Ah, sweet, sweet irony. The GOP just got served a chilled highball of straight shut the fuck up. [h/t John Cole]

Because I haven’t mentioned it in a while…

When are our dear leaders and Very Serious Pundits going to start talking about WTF is happening in Mexico?!

Alaska is full of win

And meth! I truly love the Palin family, for they are the gift that just keeps on giving and giving.

Screw the women and children…

...every man for himself! Seriously, if you live in California: Help no one.

I smell bacon, I smell pork…

If you live in Galveston, Texas, I want you to all say it with me: "Fuck the po-lice!"

Quote of the Day

"I've been so relieved and so grateful to not have a god to believe in."

-Actress Cloris Leachman, 82, in the latest issue of Esquire.

It’s not toxic, is it?

I got some cottage cheese in my eye (don't ask) and now it hurts like a motherfucker. Why me? That shit's caustic.

Here’s a good way to kill what little economic success we’ve got going for us…

Is there some sort of rampant real-life guild-on-guild PvP going on? Sort of like the Nortenos and Serrenos only with those fake swords you buy at cutlery stores? Because I'd pay good money to see my friends working at Apple hitting each other with warhammers while screaming "For the Horde!" I have it on good authority -- well, okay, I just live in Silicon Valley and know way too many people who work in the various computer industries -- that if employers stopped hiring World of Warcraft players, the economy of California will grind to a halt. [h/t TNC]

Update: On a related note, since it looks like the state, which is by law the sole funding source of my employer and therefore the sole source of my salary and benefits, is going to go physically bankrupt in March, does anyone need a talented writer with no paid experience? Or a house boy? Someone to clean the dishes? Anyone?

Let’s just get this shit over with

We should just agree to outsource all political reportage to Us Weekly and get over our little delusion of living in a participatory democracy, you know?