Author Archive for Bing
Even though I am the first born, my mother never thanks me for giving her her big day, Mother's Day. She shares her birthday with one of my brothers, so this is the one day that she hogs all to herself. That's just fine.
When buying my mother a gift, one must remember two things. She likes penguins and she likes murder mysteries. It's easy to get her a gift since you are completely safe if
I am roaring sober, but I have taken a few days off to, well, just sleep. It's bliss.
I grade tonight, maybe. Last night I bought Cloverfield (which I had not seen) and, let me tell you, I was disappointed. The alternate endings were just beyond retarded. They were Retarded 2.0. The missing scenes were also staggeringly not at all illuminating. The director was aiming for Godzilla, but he
As I sat here sipping champaign from a plastic cup and smoking a stogie (holy shit, are my taste buds confused!), I came across the following...positively bizarre letter by the gun fanatic Larry Pratt. I don't why Larry Pratt shows up on the Worldview Weekend website since the people who crucified Jesus in a diaper would have had guns it they had been invented yet. But, whatever. He is somehow
You put the smack down, Randi!
Thanks for telling me about the Channel 4 news report about that horrid cooze Sylvia Browne. One of my students pointed this out to me too. Sylvia deserves a flaying. The second they mentioned "Shawn Hornbeck," her handler pushed her wheelchair away from the camera. Not down a flight of stairs, unfortunately.
Here's the report. Here's his accompanying blog
Still can't type worth shit, but I have a Ph.D. Yep, the two things you don't need to get a Ph.D. in English--how to type or have good handwriting. Thank cripes.
I might post later tonight, but I'm bushed. I didn't finish writing my presentation until about 10 minutes before the talk. I wasn't really worried, though. I know this stuff like the inside of my nose. Forget I ever said that.
This came in email form:
Dear Happy,
I have recommended to the Dean that you be offered a Postdoctoral Fellowship for the 2008-09 academic year.
You will be the full-time Director of the English Computer Lab, and will also teach one course each semester. The stipend will be [enough for about 5 full tanks of gas!] plus benefits. Please meet with me to discuss your teaching assignment for the
This one came from the Awkward State University. It's not so much a rejection letter as it is an unnecessarily lengthy letter telling us applicants to "buck up," much as if they expected that my entire career had depended on my getting accepted to their school, that almost 30 years of formal education had been devoted to the sole desire of possibly one day teaching freshman comp for them. Heh.
One of the contingencies that the Supreme Court said it would be willing to revisit the Indiana voter ID law was if opponents could present evidence that it adversely impacted certain groups of people. Like oldsters. And, as we all know, they don't get any older than nuns. It's all that clean living and communal bathing...Oh, I am thinking of Naughty Nuns 2--sorry.
Anyway, I hate to whip out
So, last night I got a harsh response (which is totally going on my "reviews" page) from an anonymous fellow named Grumpy (pictured below).
Grumpy at the Sagrada Familia in Barcelona
While his opinion means as much to me as underpants do to Sharon Stone, he expressed exasperation with a number of my posts, which appear on Planet Atheism, a smashing blog aggregator that everyone should check out
I think the forces of the universe are conspiring against me.
I have an interesting dream life, apparently. Girlfriends past have been kicked violently. Roommate present has been awoken to my screaming "Yeeeehooooo!" like Slim Pickens at the end of Dr. Strangelove (I was dreaming I was Slim Pickens at the end of Dr. Strangelove.) I once had a dream with closing credits. I apparently mumble
Unfortunately, I can see no other alternative. I have had a great time over the last year or so making poop jokes, speculating about culture, and running lots of silliness up the flagpole for us to mock openly. But I just received the following devastating review from dale:
You blog needs more intellectual material. Spice it up! please. Oh, the shame! The ignominy (look it up, dale)! That's
The first comes from the Department of English at UNC, Pembroke, who I name because they did a shitty job of rejecting me. They couldn't even afford to waste a single sheet of letterhead on this rejection; it's clearly photocopied (off-center), including the chair's signature.
Dear Applicant:
The search committee for the literature (open specialty) tenure-track positions in the Department of
The following searches lead to my website, apparently. You know this.
Nicole Richie's baby (A baby with a sense of foreboding and can only hope that it gets fed.)soap opera santa barbara iambic pentameter (On any other day, I would have written a poem for you.)dennis prager how to be happy (Evil. Be evil.)fuck the discovery institute (Not with a stolen plastic one.)wordgame flintstones (Yabba
Don't worry, people. This is not a cry for help. This is the result of being unable to get much work done on the dissertation today, which has returned in corrected draft form from one of my readers. I combed through the grammatical stuff that this reader marked. Yes, I apparently write like that. (My regular readers are patient people, apparently.) My favorite typo was that veterans were
This year's theme, I shit you not was: “Prayer! America’s Strength and Shield.”
This, of course, is why we're getting our asses kicked no matter where we invade.
According to Terry Paulson, whose slime trail crisscrosses Townhall.com, "President Bush asks for prayers for 'the brave members of our Armed Forces and their families. We pray for their safety [...].'" Done. I am praying for W's
I found three plagiarists in a row today as I graded papers. I was appalled. I was furious. I was so very disappointed.
I had gotten a "turkey," to use bowling terminology. I had to put down the papers. There was no way that I was going to finish grading them before class.
The wounding and irritation lit up an awful little part in my brain. I was going to make sure that they knew that
I want to say something about America. It's great country where you can make as big an ass of yourself as Rev. Jeremiah Wright has and still be a leader in your community. There's still hope that one day I will be a great man.
I mean, what a loon. AIDS was spread by the government. An attack on him is an attack on black churches. What a tiny little pigfucking bag of lukewarm puke. You know
The intrepid Shalini Lama has gone to see Expelled. Their review is here. I don't have to see it! Hey, if you can find an illegal version of it...heehee. I recently met a priest/biologist who won't pay to see the damned thing.
HJ
Complete with ridiculous facial-hair arrangement, cocksucker Ken Ham of the Creation Museum published a fetid little ball of lukewarm vomit he calls: "So Obvious, Even a Child Gets It!"
As we shall see, if a 2-year old understands it, it must be cutting edge science. Dipshit.
I read an article recently in which an evolutionist bemoaned the fact that
biblical creationists are able to come
This came. This is also the 3rd time I've written this. And the last I will even try.
Dear Dr. Jihad:
Thank you for your letter of interest for the position of Assistant/Associate Professor of English at Local Pipsqueak College. We have terminated the search without making a hire. We may advertise this position in 2008-2009.
Please contact me if you have questions.
Sincerely,
Pete Best
No, ex-coach Dave Daubenmire's IQ has not suddenly jumped 60 points to 65. The ACLU, who handed Daubenmire's ass to him in no uncertain terms a few years back, has taken issue with some psycho Christian burning crosses on his students' arms, handing out religious tracts, hanging his fucktarded outdated commandments on the classroom wall and wagging the bible in students' faces. Silly people.
For
Another one came in today. This one comes from the Uncomfortably Close to a Girl You Had Sex With During Graduation Week and You Also Made Out with Her Sister University.
Dear Mr. Jihad, Database Entry
Thank you for your interest in the Coordinator of the English Composition Program at the Uncomfortably Close to a Girl You Had Sex With During Graduation Week and You Also Made Out with Her
My dissertation has been handed in, as you know. My adviser told me the other day, in between explosions at the WWII reenactment, that my readers were apparently satisfied so far, so the defense is on at some point in the next few days. The defense will consist of a talk, which will likely last a complete hour. That is my goal. So, I have a lot of writing to do in the next several days. But
...the Germans got their make-believe asses handed to them.
Today, I went to see a WWII battle reenactment, and I have to say it was pretty loud and fun. I went with my dissertation chair, his 10-year old daughter (I was officially promoted to "Uncle Jihad" today!), and my dissertation chair's father-in-law, who apparently has a restored WWII-era Jeep (he spent most of today looking at Jeep
One of the many things about Dave "Dick" Daubenmire that is endlessly fascinating is how he combines almost absolute arrogance with supreme idiocy. It is sublime. He is like the Bach of bullshit, the Mozart of morons, the Wagner of "Whaaaaa?" And I really don't think that his shameful crusade has very much to do with God; I think that it is mostly about him.
For instance, I received the
The 85th edition is ably hosted at Andrea's Buzzing About.
Go there. Now. There will be a test.
HJ
Oh, the travelocity of it all!
I have just returned from Guns 'n' Roses University, where I spent the day interviewing for a rhetoric and composition position. Sigh. Now I am drinking a big Fosters.
This brings to an end my second official job hunt. Now, I wait. I wait for someone to call and say, "Hey, would you like to teach a 4-4 load, get no release time and move away from everyone you
Chromosomally inferior ape-titty ex-Coach Dave Daubenmire has ridden bare-buttocked back onto your computer screens after a stint at the chocolate dildo factory he has worked at ever since he was allowed to resign from the Ohio public schools as part of a state beautification project. For his years of service, they awarded him a golden bullet.
This poof o' fecal dust came in the form of a press
Crazy fuck Janet Folger has, to my delight, snapped and gone completely batshit. I expect she will be carted off frothing at the mouth in a straightjacket soon. (To the guys in the white coats: Lose the key.) I've been sitting on this rotten egg for the last few days and I now throw it at your car. It's called, "How to win the culture war," but it should have been called "Certifiable Nutcase
I am proud to run the following website up the HJ flagpole like a freshman's underwear. Longtime HJHOP interlocutor pegleghippie has caved in to popular pressure and has started a bona fide blog at Enigma Engine. Please visit and give him yer linky-love!
HJ
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