The dogs have started to bark. Someone (or some thing) has approached the front door. I, as usual for this time of day, am sitting at the computer, catching up on the day's news and listening to all manner of "evil" music. Startled, I leave the desk and hurry to the door thinking that perhaps the FedEx man is here with an early wedding present. How wrong I am...

I open the door to reveal one of the most hideous sites I have ever seen. Standing before me in all their "Sunday's Best" glory are two women. They smell of cheap Wal-Mart perfume. I glance down at their hands to see bibles draped with copies of, brace yourself, The Watchtower. (da da dah-eh-ah-ah-ah-ah) "Oh, it's gonna be like dis," I thought to myself.

The dogs are going nuts, barking and yelping. Usually, I would try to stop them so I could hear what the person at the door was about to say...right. Above the din one of them says, "Oh my, what pretty dogs." It is this offensive affront that enrages me.

(A word to my newer readers: I dislike religious people publicly proselytizing in general, and bringing it in to my neighborhood is infuriating...usually the Heretincess catches it at the door before I get the chance to voice my opinions. When they open their mouths and let some letters and sounds fall out, I absolve myself of any responsibility for what I may say next. That being said, the following may be considered "rude" if taken out of context. So, please keep in mind that they are Jehovah's Witnesses trespassing on my property and trespassing in my neighborhood (there is a pretty wooden sign at the entrance to this neighborhood that plainly says, "NO SOLICITING.")

I look at the one dressed in a white dress with pretty little generic annoying flowers and smile. It's a big smile, one that can be interpreted as, "How lovely it is to see you," or, "Oh, you gonna gettit now!" (psst...guess which one I am going for.) I say, "The Watchtower?"

"Yes, yes it is," is the confused response. They both smile politely and approach the door a few more inches. I open the door, still smiling, and step out.

"Get the fuck off of my porch and out of my driveway and out of my neighborhood, now" I calmly say, "You picked the absolute wrong house to witness to today. Now take your propaganda, bibles, lies, and bullshit out of this neighborhood. There is a sign at the top of the hill that says, 'No Soliciting,' that includes soliciting people with your religious magazines and filth. Where is your car, where are you parked?"

"Right up the road," they reply in a fashion that is hard to determine...it's somewhere between afraid and defiant, polite and bemused.

I follow them, briskly, out of the driveway and on to the sidewalk. I ask, "Is that your car, the white one?"

"Yes, we're leaving."

Aggravated by how long it is taking them to get away from my house I say, "Go now! Don't stop at any of my neighbor's houses, they don't need your bullshit. If you don't leave right now I will call the police." I would never call the police in a small town like this, most likely, I would be the one who ends up in cuffs.

I call the Heretincess to let her know what has happened, give her a laugh and to make them wonder who I would be talking to while standing in the middle of the road watching them in their car. They sit in their car and, magically, there are now four of them and I feel a little less guilty about yelling at two women because the two in the front seats are men. It takes them about five full minutes of sitting in the car before they actually drive off. I suppose they were praying for me, or whatever.

I make sure to watch them the entire way up the hill. They are gone now and the dogs have calmed down.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is probably the wrong way to deal with door-knockers but, it is the best way to make yourself feel good. I feel pretty happy right now. Not in that "I'm a big man for yelling at chicks" way but in that "I made a stand here, on my property, for my right not to be assaulted with religious garbage in my home" way. I feel good that no more of my neighbors will have to deal with these people and I feel good that I have good, loud watchdogs rather than flimsy, not-even-worth-kindling Watchtowers.